GOODBYE 2021

Well, it's almost a wrap.  Tonight we say goodbye to 2021, then hello to 2022.  New Year's Eve is always bittersweet for me.  Being a documentarian and a sentimental nostalgic, I tend to pause, reflect, review, and feel the sweet sadness of the passage time... of people, events, activities, and connections.  When I try to look forward all I feel is curious.  OK, a bit excited.  I assume good things lie ahead, theoretically, even though I can tend toward worry and pessimism on any given day as I come face to face with reality. Ah, life. Complexity abounds. 

I'm looking back at the year and noting the challenges:  a re-emergence of relationship issues with Hub to revisit and find clarity; still somewhat refraining from many familiar activities; still not seeing my family as often as I'd like; rarely seeing friends and noting the toll that has taken on the closeness I loved and largely lost in some cases; losing my writing Muse for weeks on end; a bit of depression.

I also look back at the joys: the "sobriety party" Hub and my kids had for me; my granddaughters growing into such fine, funny, smart, and lovable people; at least more family time than the year before; rare friendship that is unwavering; some trips and travels; losing 15 lbs with a commitment to healthy eating and lots of walking; starting my yoga teaching business; and deepening my relationship with Hub in spite of the challenges, which in fact are growth opportunities, painful at times, and deeply meaningful too. 

I think I can take these joys and build upon them in the new year.  I know Hub and I are defining our marriage in a new way through all our trials. I plan to continue to nurture a recovery from the Covid isolation our family endured last year which created distance that lingered into this year.  I have 5 more pounds to lose and more muscle to build.  I'll expand my yoga biz.  Hopefully I'll find friendship again in familiar and new ways.  

I know I'll continue to look inward for answers to who I am and why and how I can be a more caring, authentic, engaged, grateful, and happy "me" as I grow older.  I turned 71 mid-month.  I don't even know what that means.  I don't feel old, nor young either. I am just this "now" of myself.  I'm grateful for my health, mobility, curiosity, determination, confidence, and strength.  I see all of those as assets.  Some say at times I tend to express them with judgment and self-righteousness.  That makes me sad and I am working on it; not always successfully, yet trying.  But my voice, at this age, will no longer be silenced either, even if others are uncomfortable hearing it.  

So, bring it on '22.  I'm ready.

At least, that's the view from here....©

Photo Credit: www.pixabay.com

MORE SILENT NIGHT THAN FA-LA-LA-LA-LA

The truth is ... I'm not busy.  I'm not rushed.  I'm not harried or stressed.  I'm not overwrought or depressed or sad or longing to run away.  Can this really be Christmas?!?

I think back on the years I worked and worried myself into a state of despair at Christmastime with all the planning, decorating, shopping, socializing, wrapping, baking, hosting, cooking, cleaning, and on and on.  Yes, I created the magic, the memories.  And I also ended up resentful and exhausted at some point in the season.  I joked that my favorite day of the year was December 26th.

In more recent years I've come to share the load of at least food-prep for hosting the family gatherings (for Christmas and two December BDs) with my grown sons and their families. That's been great!  

And then last year, of course, we all went Cold Turkey and had ZERO Christmas contact with anyone.  So I grieved.  But I also learned to let go.  The Covid Times taught/are still teaching me lessons in discernment.  What's really important?  What is realistic?  How much can I let go of expectations (and memories) and be in the "is-ness" of this moment?

I guess I've successfully isolated myself enough to have ZERO non-family social events on my calendar this year.  My BFF invited me to breakfast for my BD later this month, but that's it.  And that's FINE!  I'm relieved to not be trying to keep up with a jam-packed social calendar, like in olden days, of constant obligation.  

Hub and I are heading to our fave little getaway town on the water a ferry's ride away next week -- we go every year to celebrate my BD and the holidays.  It's truly romantic.  We love it.  Of course we skipped last year, so we are both looking forward to resuming the tradition.  

The day after we get back the whole family will head to Son Two's house for an early Family Christmas and Gift Exchange, since he and his wife will be in California for the holidays with her family.  

On Christmas Eve Son One and his family will be at our house for our traditional Christmas Eve buffet of yummy finger foods and sweets.  On Christmas Day we will see them again at either our house or theirs, TBD.  But I already warned that if we gather at our house, I will NOT be preparing a big sit-down Christmas Dinner.  Nope.  Maybe leftover goodies from the night before or maybe pizza.  LOL

And that's it.  We used to host a BIG New Year's Eve party, but gave that up some years ago.  So we will end the holiday season as we do lately...home alone, probably watching the NYC ball drop and the festivities at the Space Needle in Seattle on TV before heading up to our porch-with-a-view to watch any fireworks others generally shoot off at midnight, while we kiss each other into yet another year together.  

I wonder if I could have foreseen, during all those years ago of frantic merry-making, that one day the Christmas season would feel even more magical for it's calmness?  I guess not. I think I probably didn't take time to even imagine that at this age and stage things would look so differently.  If I thought of it at all, I'd probably have imagined it sad and lonely.  It's not.  It's just how it is...and how I actually want it to be.  And I am embracing it, with gratitude. 🙏🏽

At least,  that's the view from here...©

A REFLECTION ON GRATITUDE

 

It's Thanksgiving morning.  Not yet dawn.  Up early to start to assemble my contributions to today's family meal.   But instead I ambled around the house taking photos of my Fall decor, of my many  reminders (taped to cabinet doors in the kitchen and on the side of a file cabinet in my office) to live a life of caring and integrity and strength.  I pass by these dozens of times a day, stopping to read them at least twice, sometimes three or four or more times to keep their messages alive to me.   I change them as I need/want/feel moved.  

And now I'm here at the dining room table, cluttered with receipts, chargers, yoga class prep notes, a birthday card to sign...with my coffee and my laptop, scrolling through email and social media, watching YouTube to see that Taylor Swift performance from SNL that everyone is talking about.  I'm ignoring the clutter to be busted before the family arrives later this morning, the stuffing to be made, the Brussel sprouts and yams to be cleaned and prepped for cooking.  I glance at my to-do list and decide to write here instead...

Thanksgiving.  A day for gratitude.  There have been years when it was hard to find gratitude.  On any given year I have also experienced exhaustion, overwhelm, grief, anger, resentment, dashed expectations, distractions, worries, fears, illness.  It's just a day, after all.  Nothing special.  

President Washington declared a day of public Thanksgiving, but it was unevenly celebrated in the new States.  In 1863 President Lincoln signed a proclamation that there be an annual Thanksgiving holiday on the last Thursday of November.  But in 1939 the last Thursday fell on the last day of the month and FDR thought this would cut into the holiday shopping with a negative effect on the economy, so he changed it to the second to last Thursday in November. But only 32 states went along with it, 16 retaining the last Thursday as the day to celebrate.  In 1941, to bring everyone together on a fixed date, Congress passed and FDR signed what was to become the date we all now celebrate -- the 4th Thursday of November.

Lesson:  Nothing is fixed, everything changes, what we take as "always has been this way" is wrong and it's just a day.  It could be any day.  Or every day.  And just because Hallmark and Normal Rockwell and turkey growers and grocery stores push us to create a perfect day of family, friends, and thankfulness  on this 4th Thursday of November for many folks that isn't an automatic state of mind and heart.  Life happens.

As for me...this year I sit in the still dark, hearing the rain hit the roof and run down the window obscuring my view of a neighborhood just waking up.  A few lights  in homes are coming on, a man is hunkered down against the deluge walking his dog, a lone car moves slowly up the street.  

And I feel grateful.  With no qualifiers.  I'm choosing where to put my attention, like that Pollyanna girl I have so despised for most of my life -- she with the sunny disposition and cheery optimism.  I thought her vacant and stupid.  

And yet, there is something to be said about the choice we have in how we view the world.  I am a clear-eyed realist.  I'm all too aware of the hurt, fear, anger, dread, and nastiness of the world and some of the people in it.  I could, and often do, dwell in my fears for our future, my rage at those who are cruel, my impotence to do anything about most of it, it seems.

And yet, I am grateful for my life; the family I came from, the friends I've had, those who sustain and support and love me still; for my comfortable home; the breathtaking beauty of the place I live; the places I've been; the experiences I've had; the work I've done.  I am privileged and blessed and I hope I am using that to help others in some way.  

I am grateful for my health, which as I age seems to become more precarious, with an increasing awareness that anything could befall me at any time to change what I now take for granted.  But I still have the ability to act on what I can control to try to stave off some disaster of physical or mental decline that will shove me to the margins and bring pain and fear to my days.  I am committed to my health.

I am grateful for my introspection, a never-ending journey toward greater knowledge of myself and what makes me "tick" as life throws challenges in my path, and in turn how I can be in closer connection to others who are different from me and others who might benefit from what I've learned.

I am grateful for my family, the one at one point in my life I never thought I'd have.  I have two sons who came to us through adoption as infants, their birthmothers having chosen us from a number of families who they could have chosen instead, but some "something" brought us together -- they with their fearless courage to make an adoption choice for their babies, us with our boundless love and desire to be parents.  My sons grew into beautiful men, who chose amazing women to love and marry, and one of them (so far!) has given me two grandchildren who are my reason for everything.

I am grateful for Hub.  Next year we will be 50 years married; 54 in relationship -- and all that entails.  The times of joy and challenge, commitment and break-up, reconnection and struggle.  Starting out as teenagers we've beaten the odds of still being together.  We joke we've lived several lifetimes together and that we literally grew up each in the shadow of the other.  We've gone through so much heartache, so much exhilaration.  And through it all, for reasons clear and obscure, we've endured.  It might be beyond us to know why.  But I am grateful.  We are at a moment in our time together that we both feel is better than ever, after a time not too long ago that threatened the whole enterprise. I'm grateful for the tools we've gathered, the work we've done, the commitment we've made to keep on, to keep talking, to keep opening, to keep everything we've experienced in the past and hope for in our future as the thing that holds us in love and partnership no matter what comes next.  

So, Thanksgiving.  A day, just a day.  But maybe it's OK to have one day set aside to slow down and take stock.  To find a quiet pocket of time to clear the skies of doom and gloom, of sadness and fear, of pain and overwhelm and just be with what "is" -- this moment, in this time, in this place -- and find even one small thing to be grateful for.  

At least, that's the view from here...©

JUST PERFECT. PERIOD.

 I draped the red fleece blanket over the back of the "fancy chair" in my living room.  I set up a standing tray next to the chair to hold the gifts. I clipped greens from a fir tree in our yard and arranged them on the glass-topped coffee table, interspersing red votives, aflame.  I prepared white chocolate hand-dipped strawberries on two white platters to add to the table.  

Saturday was a special day for the women in my family -- my granddaughter, her mom, her aunt, and me, her grandma. We gathered to acknowledge and celebrate my sweet granddaughter's first menstrual period.   

First, where did the years go?  And why does this have to happen to girls so young?  I guess I still think of her as my little girl.  But she's not "so young"; in fact, she is right on target for the average age for this to begin.  She and I have been talking about this occasion for some time, as her body has changed in ways signaling the event was soon as hand.  I asked her if I could have a special Family Dinner when she got her period.  "Grandma!  NO!"  We laughed.  Then I asked if I could do a little party for her with just her mom and aunt and me.  She agreed, if not joyfully, also not reluctantly.  She mostly seemed puzzled.  So, this has been on the back burner until a month ago when I got a Messenger text from her -- "I've got some news Grandma....I got my period."  As with most things, she took it in stride, saying she was neither excited nor mortified; "just neutral, I guess."  

I knew I wanted to mark this life transition in a positive and supportive way for her.  We have no cultural recognition of this occasion in the U.S.  I looked it up.  The internet is full of "rituals and customs" from around the world, but totally silent here.  We don't publicly celebrate what happens naturally when kids transition from childhood to puberty; instead, we find ways to tell kids they're growing up by what they can "do" -- get a driver's license, vote, drink, etc.  These are age-related milestones that totally ignore the inner turmoil raging in changing bodies and minds. 

I thought there must be a better way.  We gathered in my living room.  I explained that our intention was to celebrate this amazing life-affirming/life-giving event with joy and laughter, with story-telling, advice, information.  The women of the family told their stories of first periods which had been couched in embarrassment, secrecy, and scant information or instruction. I wanted to do it differently.  We were breaking the pattern of loneliness, confusion,  embarrassment, and silence. We were speaking out, with honesty, emotion, joy, frustration, and encouragement.  My granddaughter took it all in, asking occasional questions, smiling, listening, laughing with us, and being totally composed and engaged.  Her maturity was a thing to behold.  

After we shared our stories, meandering into birth control and pap tests, the latter of which my granddaughter found most appalling of anything she had heard!, I read short blurbs of cultural rituals from around the world, ranging from community parties for the girl in which everyone she knew was told, to girls being banished from the family for the week of her period.  

In the Native culture of the Ojibwe people, a young girl is forbidden to eat strawberries for the first year of her periods.  During this "berry fast" she focuses on personal growth, sitting with and learning from her elders during the week of her periods.  At the end of the year she breaks her "berry fast" and is seen as a leader among her peers.  I especially wanted to include this to also honor my granddaughter's half-Native heritage.  After our time of sharing and "learning from the elders", we all dug into the white chocolate strawberries!  I'd not made her wait a year -- only about 2 hours.  

We ended with each of us telling the honoree what we love and appreciate about her, then offered her a "blessing" saying what we hope for her at this time of her life.  We all acknowledged her generosity, kindness, humor, compassion, and creativity.  And we all wished for her to find her assertive voice in the world, to love and appreciate herself, to know how special she is and never doubt or denigrate her own unique qualities.  And we pledged ourselves to her, letting her know this is an ongoing conversation, not a one-time thing.  As her aunt said, "We've got your back." She took all this in with a smile on her face, never breaking eye contact with the speaker, with a calm composure far beyond her 12 years.  Can you tell I'm so proud of this bright light in my life?

We adjourned to more snacks, waiting for the men to return with her little sister for a pizza supper together.  That's when she and her mom revealed that there had been some trepidation coming into this unknown "thing" Grandma had cooked up.  My granddaughter had told her mom she hoped I wasn't going to do some "voodoo" thing to her.  LOL  I guess I must have freaked her out just a wee bit last summer when I engaged her assistance in doing a "sage smudge" of our camper to "banish the bad juju" I felt there.  Was it when, engulfed in wafting aromatic smoke, we chanted, "out with the evil!  in with the joy!"? Whatever....LOL

There was no Voodoo on Saturday, only the joyful connection of the sisterhood of women in my family.  She messaged me later, thanking me, saying she loved all the love and support.  Just perfect. Period.

At least, that's the view from here...©

WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?

Feeling like I procrastinated on getting my homework finished.  I'm finally doing a blog post this month.  I never claimed to be a consistent blogger.  This proves it.  I've thought several times of sitting down to write, but the Muse wasn't on board.  She still isn't, really.  But I don't want to skip a month, which would be a first time since starting this blog in 2012.  So here goes...

I think I've been distracted by being distracted.  Distracted by feeling yet again in a state of transition: seeking, deepening, learning, growing, discerning, connecting, disconnecting, being.  The Gift/Burden of Introspection is that I often get lost in the work/delight of taking deep dives into "ultimate meaning".   As I wrote in a journal entry the other day, "It's fucking exhausting."  It seems to me that most people live a far less psychologically fraught life.  At a recent gathering, a group of friends was discussing the nature of happiness or some such thing and one participant said something like, "I haven't really thought much about these things..."  And internally I was shocked, then curious.  What must it be like to NOT think of the nature of experience, emotion, reaction, seeking deeper meaning, and looking for places of insight and peace all the f'ing time?!?  

This has been my default for my whole adult life, but as I grow older, it seems to get more intense and perhaps more urgent.  No, I won't have the "meaning of life" all figured out by the time I leave it, but I'd like to learn enough to gift myself with a life of strength, commitment, inner knowing, unshakable values, and a sure path to contentment and peace as I walk these last few steps toward the Horizon.  And I feel like everything I've done up to this point is leading there.  

Lately I'm using three tools that are providing me a framework for my introspective work:  Yoga (not just the poses, which isn't even really yoga), neuro-plasticity study and practice, and the Enneagram.  Knowing when and how to employ these tools is my current passion and challenge.

So, this month I've felt strong and sure, weak and afraid, angry and despaired, joyful and content, curious and aware....and through all of it I've felt ALONE and ALIVE.  (Existential and "in this life" aloneness is a BIG fear trigger for me...so much to learn and acknowledge and accept!  Woo-Hoo!)

Yoga = I'm taking a 4-week meditation course from my favorite teacher.  In addition to attending yoga classes, I'm also teaching a yoga class via Zoom once/week and I spend lots of time prepping that plus doing a pre-class Facebook Live video and a post-class follow up summary.  I'm doing a self-study of the Yoga Yamas and Niyamas. (Yoga's ethical guides.)  I'm watching several CE credit webinars on all aspects of yoga.  I'm finding my one, true, sure path through life based on unshakable values and present moment reality.

Neuro-plasticity = I'm continuing my study with Dr. Rick Hanson (books, podcast, webinars) on how to change our brains to default to the positive instead of the negative.  We can rewire our brains!!!  How exciting is that!  His neuro-plasticity-based-Buddhist-inspired psychotherapeutic approach is incredibly accessible and encouraging.

Enneagram = I'm continuing to turn to this tool of learning about personality defaults.  I'm learning to grow past the ways in which we cover core wounds with certain safety-motivated personality traits, and instead reach for a "higher" more wholistic and positive/powerful way of being with and understanding oneself and others.   

I'm also doing the dishes and the laundry, paying bills, chatting with friends, going for walks, seeing family a bit, hanging out with Hub, cleaning out the attic and other storage spaces, cooking dinner, keeping up with some political stuff including sending postcards to voters in states with big elections coming up next week (Go Virginia!), watching great TV (when did all the shows get so good?!?), and even went to a rock concert!  

What I have not done is sit down to write in this blog.  Maybe this entry will break the logjam of Muse-absent writer's block.  Maybe not.  Let me contemplate the deeper meaning of it all....why have I been avoiding this?  Am I burned out?  Do I just want to quit blogging?  Afraid of revealing myself?  Wondering if anyone is reading and is it worth the trouble?  Just too busy? Too lazy? Who cares? What's my motivation?  Is it Ego? The desire to connect? The hope to help/find commonality? The desire for immortality through my words?  To document this one little part of my life to be discovered by my descendants?  To know I mattered?  

(Give me until next month....I'll run all this through my ever-processing introspective mind, using my tools of discovery and discernment, and get back to you with my answer.  LOL)

At least, that's the view from here...©

Photo Credit:  pixabay.com

BE SURE TO WEAR SOME FLOWERS IN YOUR HAIR...

Hub and I were in San Francisco last week for a short Autumn getaway before the holidays and Hub's snowboard season consume us for several months.  Let me just say, I didn't leave my heart in San Francisco, but neither did I lose my mind...and that's progress.

I do not have a good relationship with the City by the Bay. My first trip there was in the early 70's and even though I dressed like a hippie, I was mostly a midwestern, blue-collar, conservative-town girl in the early throes of discovering that I was not like most of the people in my hometown (or my family), but I wasn't all the way to "peace, love, and protests" either.  I still trusted a few people over 30.  I also dealt with undiagnosed anxiety disorder, that we denigratingly referred to as "She's freaking out." On that trip I did have a bit of a "freak out". S.F. seemed overwhelming, a bit chaotic, and super scary. This is hard to admit at this stage, but was nevertheless true for me then, an innocent from Illinois. I did not like it.

We went again some years later when a friend of ours had moved to Big Sur. We drove down from our new home in the Pacific Northwest, to visit her and again I felt off-kilter and like the whole trip took place within a funhouse mirror. I recall a very weird, disheveled, nearly Zombie-looking guy jumping out in front of our car on a dark rainy street. I screamed. We didn't hit him, but sheesh. And then something about almost driving into the ocean? Whatever. I just wanted to go home.

Another time I have a vague recollection of staying at the Four Seasons and watching older Asian folks doing Tai Chi in the nearby park while Hub was attending a medical conference.  Why don't I recall anything else about that trip?  It's like my brain shuts down in S.F.

Many years later we went to a Giants game and maybe some other stuff with our young sons...I frankly don't recall much about that either other than it being a one-day visit tagged onto a different longer vacation.

And this time....well, it took me 24 hours to feel comfortable being there. First, I had taken a Dramamine before the flight which was dumb since I didn't need it and didn't realize it was only a 90 minute flight. I take it to ward off anxiety about claustrophobia/nausea/vomiting I'm convinced will befall me on flights. It's my insurance policy, but Hub was a little annoyed with me and suggested that one pukey flight almost 40 years ago really doesn't necessitate drugging myself forever, every time I fly because when I do it makes me sleepy and spacey and is also the antithesis of what I profess to be about -- see the last post in this blog. His words were a wake-up call to me to see I was using drugs in a way I don't like, so I'm going to go Cold Turkey on my next flight. But this time the deed was done and I was trying to stay awake to my surroundings the first afternoon we were there. We ended up in the heart of the Fisherman's Wharf in the most touristy area, Pier 39, which was loud, crowded, chaotic, and carnival-like. Ugh. I just wanted to go home.

The next day, though, I realized I was fighting old S.F. demons and decided to stop. This was not then.  This was now. I sat down on a bench in a quiet park, closed my eyes and told myself a new story. I was going to have fun on this trip as the grown-ass woman I am now, with decades of self-knowledge and a toolbox full of tools I could use to deal with old wounds and anxiety-fueled fantasies. Walk my talk. So from then on it was a goodish trip.

We did all the touristy things. Went back to the Wharf, walked to Coit Tower (took the Filbert Steps -- 450 of them!), walked up and down the stairs skirting curvy Lombard Street, ate Cannoli in Little Italy, explored Golden Gate Park and the S.F. Botanical Gardens, climbed the Secret Garden mosaic stairway, walked along the beach out to the end of the Municipal Pier, over Ft. Mason to the marina and Marina Green, took a ferry to Sausalito for lunch, passing close by the hulking and foreboding Alcatraz, which frankly gives me the creeps and maybe that's the bad ju-ju I feel in S.F. since you can see it from all the sites, went to Haight-Ashbury (no flowers in the hair of homeless folks living on the streets there), had a hot fudge sundae at Ghirardelli's, discovered a fabulous little coffee shop where I had the best ice cream Affagato ever, rode a cable car, and rode city buses -- always a half scary, half entertaining enterprise in any big city -- when we weren't walking, walking, walking.

It was all just....fine. Hub seemed annoyed with my slow start and my lack of enthusiasm for S.F. as cities go. (Take me to NYC!!!) We were both frustrated with "wasting" the Sausalito day since that little burg looked nothing like it did in the 70's and we found it to be uninteresting with not much to see or do, plus it was 85 degrees and little shade to be found. Even Hub admitted to being a bit cranky and out of sorts that day.  

We usually travel so well together... I guess some distance will help us appreciate the trip more because we also shared experiences in S.F. that in the re-telling to our son the other day seemed fun and funny and good. 

But, once again, I'm not back home feeling like S.F. is my "place" and that's weird because nearly every other person I know absolutely loves it. It's just that every time I'm there, something is "off" for me mentally and emotionally. This time I thought it initially was my Dramamine-induced stupor, but the friction with Hub was the thing that makes me saddest, which seemed not of either of our making, but rather some dissonant vibe that surrounded us.

Hub says he wants to go back, explore more, and maybe get outside the city (revisit Muir Woods, Marin County, Mt. Tamalpais, Bolinas) and I guess I do too. It's become a bit of a challenge for me now. I ended up feeling way more comfortable there this time in spite of the occasional weirdness. Maybe one day the place really will steal my heart.

At least, that's the view from here..©

SOBER: FEELING THE FEELINGS

 I said to Hub during one of our marathon introspective conversations the other day, "I'm happy to be me."  

WTH?  I could hardly believe those words came from my lips.  I can be incredibly NOT happy to be me.  I tend to default to negativity and take long, sad dives into all my shortcomings.  "Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, (think I'll go eat worms)" is often my view of myself and my lot in life.   But something is shifting.  Something quiet, but big.  I've said my Covid year (plus) has been one of great insight, some inner struggle, much grief, slow awakening, and lately, dare I say, joy?  OK.  Joy is still a big concept for me, but contentment, growing equanimity, some semblance of acceptance seems to be accurate.

I celebrated ten years of sobriety at the end of July.  I had my last glass of Chardonnay on July 30, 2011 after a health scare that my doc assured me had nothing to do with drinking alcohol.  But what did she know?  Was her name on the Web MD article?  Did she treat all the people on the "chat space"  I visited who told their own tales of a similar situation and recommended eschewing alcohol?  No.  So I decided I would quit drinking.  And I did.

I discovered that it was easy physically, so I must not have had a physical addiction to alcohol, even though I was a daily user.  ("Is it 5:00 yet?!?")  It wasn't even that hard emotionally/psychologically because the fear of exacerbating the health issue far outweighed the desire for a glass of wine.  Still...there were many times that I could have caved.  

It's hard to be a non-drinker in a drinking culture. People were confused.  I felt left out of the many, many discussions of the finer bouquets of various wines and the apparently vast differences in IPAs.  I stopped being invited to Margarita Mondays. But every day without alcohol became another day I added to my sobriety chain and I didn't want to mess that up.  And before long, I didn't even think about it or want it and in fact started to find the whole drinking thing silly and unnecessary in general.  And I looked back at times I'd drunk too much and felt ashamed of my behavior.  I think I definitely had a problem with alcohol and am grateful that quitting was relatively easy.

I started to wonder more often what other people saw in it. I didn't find drunk stories funny anymore.  Or "high" stories either.  In my age group there is still much giggling about using marjiuana even though there are legal pot shops on nearly every corner now.  I'm told it helps with pain. I get that it does have pain-relieving properties and I also know that for some pain is an excuse to get high or at least a sought after side benefit.  I've been told it helps relaxation, helps relieve stress, helps one see the world anew in a deeper way.  OK.  But I still wonder why altering one's consciousness with any substance is a thing sought after, when life is a path difficult enough and interesting enough to be best traveled with full faculties intact, it seems to me.  (Plus, people, when you are drunk or high you are not funny or clever or cute...Yeah, I know, I thought I was too.  I was wrong.)

Anyway, what is coming at me over and over and over in my personal growth path are messages of sobriety.  My work with neuro-plasticity, with yoga, with Buddhist teaching all point out that the "addiction" to feeling good is a denial of life as it is.  My yoga mentor and my therapist have both told me that being with the 'Is-ness' of life and feeling it fully in the body is the way forward from emotional and psychological pain.  

Stressed?  FEEL IT!  Consider how life is organized that causes the stress.  Can it be changed?  Is there a different way to find peace?

Sad?  FEEL IT!  Consider self-compassion and the normalcy of feeling sad when grief arises for whatever reason.  Cry if ya gotta.  

Angry/Frustrated?  FEEL IT! What lies beneath the anger and how can you reframe, find compassion, let go?  Pound a pillow if ya wanna.

Afraid?  FEEL IT! And consider if the wolf is really at the door or is it just ruminating thoughts of 'what if' that keep the fear present.  Breathe and rest the "flight/fight/freeze" response with long exhales.

Physical pain? FEEL IT! How bad is it?  How big is it?  Can you shift attention away from it? Can it be relieved through means other than self-medication?   

Happy?  FEEL IT!  Fully take in the joyfulness, the love, the gratitude, the excitement of the moment.  Take in the sights, sounds, faces, and beauty that are filling you with happiness.

I think back on my drinking days and see how I covered all those emotions with a desire to escape them on some level, or enhance them on another, rather than fully feel them and DO SOMETHING about them, with my mind clear.  I did not want to truly sit in the place of discomfort, did not realize that all emotions are temporary.  They come and go like waves.  More substances won't keep the bad times at bay, nor keep the good times rolling.  All will end eventually, ebbing and flowing.  Reaching for a "feel good" reprieve won't change that; it'll just reinforce the reaching.

I'm happy to be me because I more deeply know myself every day, more deeply accept myself, more assuredly set boundaries and find more peace within myself.  AND last week I still had a bout of "poor me" that put me in a state of tears and self-loathing.  But a conversation with Hub (who reminded me to be more fully me when I lost my way for a bit), helped me find relief after an hour -- not weeks, months, or years.  I found my way back because of the clarity I've learned to appreciate and use to my advantage, not clouded by a false sense of "OK-ness" that is artificial.

I'll end with the happiest moment of my summer -- maybe of the past year or more.  On the 10th anniversary of my no alcohol decision, Hub organized a surprise alcohol-free Family Brunch.  My sons and their families brought me gifts to mark the occasion -- fixings for fancy mocktails, hot chocolate mix, organic tea, flavored sodas.  It was so thoughtful of Hub and the kids.  I loved the recognition and inclusion, since so many of our gatherings seem to involve trying new wines and craft beers.  In fact it's rare to go to any social gathering anywhere that doesn't include alcohol.  It was my turn and they all happily joined me in not drinking.  

I felt seen, appreciated, loved.  And I took it all in with a clear head and a grateful heart.  Life!  You just never know what lessons await.  I'm happy to be me, living mine, eager to see what's next.

At least that's the view from here...©

WANING DAYS OF SUMMER/A SPECIAL BIRTHDAY

Tail end of August and it's in the air....summer's end.  Here in the PNW the daylight stays so long by the summer Solstice that it feels like night barely arrives before the sun reappears.  I love it with all my heart and my FB feed is full of photos to prove it:  Sunlight peeking over the eastern mountains at 4 a.m.; Light in the western sky  lingering until 10:30 p.m.  I can't resist recording and posting these every year as if that miracle will never happen again.  But it does...

Except during smoke season.  Yes, again this summer we had several days of smoky skies from wildfires in the western states, blotting out the sun and blanketing us in choking unhealthy air, keeping us locked inside sitting next to our air purifiers, sweltering in a record heat wave as well.

And now, on the cusp of September, the long days of light are growing precipitously shorter evidenced by my need, already, to twice set my lamp auto-timers to come on earlier in the evening and set them to also come on in the early morning hours when I'm up but the sun isn't.  And today it's overcast and cool -- high of 62 after yesterday's sunny and 75.  Brushing against the kitchen radiator tells me it even got cold enough last night to trigger the furnace to put out a teeny bit of heat.

But September here is usually beautiful, so I hold out hope for a few more weeks of outdoor activity (so much weeding and pruning and "putting the garden to bed" to do!)  And we have birthdays!  Son One has a BD mid-September, but he's a grown up and we've long since stopped having a pinata party for him.  In fact, we have plans to be on a trip to Lake Tahoe that week. (If it hasn't burned to the ground and the smoke doesn't linger...keeping a close eye on that tragedy and ready for a last minute cancellation.  Isn't that life these days?  Planning is a throwback to more settled times.  Everything is subject to change.  Practicing non-attachment -- so Buddhist!)

The BIG birthday this month is our older granddaughter's.  She will be 12 and entering middle school.  She has decided it's time to leave little girl things behind.  She made a list of "room make-over" items she's been dreaming about, along with detailed sketches of how she wants her room to be arranged.  She shared all this with me a couple weeks ago, sort of "hoping" she might get some of this for her BD since it's really all she wants.  This is a girl who barely asks for anything!  She is so cost-conscious, refuses most offers to buy her things, never wants to impose or interfere or frustrate, feels that asking for things for herself is selfish...we are working on her self-esteem around this and trying to help her see she is deserving of getting some of what she wants and it's not selfish to ask -- or to accept a gift.  

She had every specific item she's been pining over already on an Amazon or Target shopping list and I asked her to show me.  We spent hours talking about it all and why she wants it, likes it, how it makes her feel to have these modest things.  The biggie is a new bed frame and a closet organizer, getting rid of her hand-me-down mismatched furnishings.  The rest is basically "decor".  

I found myself recalling my own longing around her age to create my own space.  Girls this age find in their rooms a refuge, a place to dream, and learn, and think, and create. She will retreat there in the coming years to process the new stresses and joys of teen life; it would be lovely, I thought, to make this space she longs for happen.

So, I got the rest of the family together to explain the plan I'd hatched to give the room a make-over with everyone pitching in financially to make it happen.  I just spent the past hour placing orders, arranging deliveries, figuring out which items are 'in person' purchases, making sure Hub is around for the "some assembly required" items.  My son and DIL are thrilled with the idea and will get her other gifts.  Son Two and DIL won't have to guess what she might like.  And I get the absolute joy of working with my granddaughter to make this happen.  She is soooo excited and happy and incredibly thankful.  Her attitude of gratefulness and never taking any of this for granted makes it an even more beautiful experience.  When I told her the plan, tears were shed -- by both of us.

So, as summer winds down, I find myself in a familiar place of side-by-side sadness and joy. 

We are back to masking indoors and gathering mostly outdoors with family and friends until we can get the vaccine booster.  Delta Variant is no joke and breakthrough Covid is rising in our county.  Anti maskers and anti vaxxers are growing more militant and violent, taking over school board meetings to protest masks as kids go back to school.  Climate change continues to wreck havoc with fires and hurricanes and floods.  The end of U.S. involvement in Afghanistan has brought chaos and death, as well as the biggest, most successful airlift in history of people exiting that country.  

AND among my family and friends, we are healthy and all in agreement about vaccines and politics.  We know we have to mitigate the effects of climate change and we are making plans on many fronts, including keeping travel plans flexible.  Hub is working tirelessly on his various climate change related groups and committees.  We are doing what we can.  Amidst the world's woes we often come to a place of micro-focusing on what we can do now to create a life that is one of generosity and love for those around us.  A new bedroom for a very sweet and deserving girl is top of the list this month.  I can't wait to see it!

At least, that's the view from here...©

COVID AND KARMA

Turns out I don't have Covid after all.  I sort of knew that.  But sheesh!  I was unusually tired and lethargic all week; had a sore-ish scratchy throat; felt a bit "feverish" even if my thermometer registered normal (could have been broken!); seemed lost in a brain fog and had zero interest in doing anything I'd normally enjoy or at least need to do; thought I felt a certain heaviness in the chest and maybe was a tad short of breath walking up my two flights of stairs.  (I checked my pulse ox -- normal, but again, those instruments can fail!)  I felt like a slug; a nervous, depressed, frightened, slow-crawling slug--as if someone with a salt shaker was about to unload on me.  (Don't have slugs where you live?  Salt kills, like Covid.)

While my granddaughter was here during the day last week, I pushed through and found relief from perseverating on the fact that I likely had deadly Delta-variant Covid, and we actually had a great time!  I didn't feel awful, just a little "off".  But as soon as she went home at dinnertime, I was back to being Sad Me, Sick Me, convinced I had caught The Covid somewhere while my guard was down.  Was it being told that our unvaccinated recent visitor was likely fine since she gets her antibodies tested monthly?  Was it being back to normal with my not-that-cautious extended family, maskless and huggy?  Was it my lax hand-washing?  So, to make absolutely sure, I went and had a Covid test on Thursday. Negative result came today. 

In the meantime I had figured out that my symptoms were psychologically-induced physical manifestations of my mental illness (wow, that diagnosis sounds bigger than what it feels like to me, but let's be honest, I guess.)  Turns out it was that I was missing the familiar energy drain of The Twins, who showed up rather unexpectedly:  Anxiety and Depression.  It's been awhile.  I didn't recognize them.  But the "I hate me" tears and lack of focus/energy/interest along with the absolute certainty of impending death should have tipped me off.

I'm just happy The Twins don't come 'round much anymore as I've gained some pretty great tools and remedies to either ward them off or stop them from moving in:  mindfulness, breathing, introspection, self-compassion, and just the history of knowing they are out there, they might stop by, but they won't stay.  These days, once they are in the door (sneaky bastards know the alarm code), I frown and say, "WTF? You again?"  Eventually I ask them what they are trying to teach me,  then I take a few days for the lesson to materialize, then take another few days to get its meaning.  Then I kick them to the curb, watching them slink away.  Buh-bye!  

Today I feel back to my perky self.  OK, not perky exactly but not bereft, like lyrics from the song by AJR that my granddaughter recently introduced me to:  🎶"I ain't happy yet, but I'm way less sad." 🎶 

I can tell I feel better because I have about a dozen things on my Sunday to-do list and this blog post isn't one of them, so perhaps I'm a little manic in my perceived ability to over-achieve.  Actually I realize this burst of energy is just relief and gratitude and if I don't get everything accomplished, well, there's always tomorrow.  

#1 on the list is getting off the sofa.  I've let my daily walks go, have only practiced yoga once this week, and again ignored my promise to myself to start weight training.  Today is rainy and chilly so I'll stream into Pod Save America on YouTube and watch that while I hit the treadmill.  Then switch over to Silver Sneakers on YouTube for a weights class.  So tech!

#2 is catching up with the webinar classes I've bought and paid for and never watched:  Yoga Lineages and Neuro-Dharma, both of which I'm totally psyched to watch but instead do other things because I want to dedicate a half day to them.  Well, that's not going to happen.  Just start.  

#3 is baking an Asian pear crisp.  Son One has an Asian pear tree in his yard that is absolutely laden with fruit!  I found a recipe that has an interesting-sounding ingredient list for the topping that calls for almond flour.  So, normally I'd go to the Food Co-op to buy some. But no!!!  I'm grinding my own with my new VitaMix grain attachment!  Put the nuts in and voila! Flour!  

If I really did have Covid, of course, I'd not be doing any of this.  I'd just continue to read Thich Nhat Hanh's book, "Fear", which is really, really good.  I had forgotten how calming Buddhism can be.  All we really have is our Karma.  Aging, illness, death, and loss are all just the temporary conditions of our human reality.  We are left with what we think, say, and do while we are here and those consequences, both positive and negative, will play out in the next go-round.  This is what The Twins came to tell me too, so I ordered the book. Because Thich Nhat Hanh is a much gentler and more compassionate teacher.  He says, breathe and be present; do not worry or strive or look for escape -- everything, including you, is perfect in the Now.  The Twins shout, "Get your shit together or die, you worthless idiot."  Same ultimate message, different approach.

At least, that's the view from here...©

WHAT'S NEW?!?

It's not "writer's block" exactly.  It's more like inertia and procrastination.  I have plenty that I could write about, but sitting down to do it seems, well, daunting.  And I realize I have about six readers on a good day, so this also seems an exercise in self-talk a lot of the time.  But for we six...here I am!  (Note:  my 11 y/o granddaughter read the post I wrote awhile back about us pup-sitting for their dog and I was quite delighted!  I'm glad I got to know a family member read one of these blog posts before I die.  I'm putting it in my Will that they get no inheritance until they can prove to our executor that they've read every word of the hard copy books I've created of my blogs for 9 years now...I expect there will be many more books to read before they head to the bank. LOL)

Well, let's see.  Let's do a "Headline News" post version for today, from National to Personal.

POLITICS:  We are still dealing with the ridiculousness of outrageous conspiracy theories from the Right.  Politically, they are still insisting the previous president won the 2020 election and only is it due to illegal voter fraud that President Biden is in the Oval Office. (Unproven, in spite of repeated recounts in all states.) This drivel is spouted constantly by the previous president and his corrupt and "it would be funny if it wasn't so scary" GOP cronies in elected office in the state and U.S. legislatures.  It's tiring and embarrassing to think about what the rest of the world must be thinking about this great Democracy of ours.  Duh. 

Also voter suppression laws are being enacted in multiple states to ensure that voting is very, very hard especially for Democratic leaning people of color and urban areas of Red states.  A new wave of gerrymandering is upon us with the release of new census data showing the rise of people of color as percentage of our U.S. population.  (The Republicans really do know they lost, so they are cheating best they can to make sure that never happens again!) The For the People Act to counter this is being held up in the US Senate because two recalcitrant Democrats believe they can get bipartisan support for compromised Voting Rights bills and will not suspend the filibuster rules to pass the legislation.  This is especially galling.  Let the GOP use their racially-motivated cruelty to block democracy-ensuring laws, but geez, it's annoying to have Dems joining them with some Quixotic quest for bipartisanship that will NEVER happen!

COVID:  Things have gotten very, very bad...again.  Speaking of stubborn.  A large swath of the population still REFUSES to get vaccinated for all kinds of ridiculous reasons -- chips are being implanted, "you can't make me" personal freedom screeds, impotence and infertility misinformation, human genetic manipulation conspiracies, and just political Us vs Them-ism as the Right will not do anything to please the Left/Educated Elites/Deep State manipulators even if it kills them, which it is. It is beyond infuriating since now ALL OF US ARE AT RISK AGAIN!  

The Delta Variant of Covid 19 is running rampant amongst the unvaccinated and hospitals in some areas are at the breaking point, unable to admit anymore patients for Covid or anything else requiring ICU care (like your run-of-the-mill heart attack, stroke, accident, etc).  Mississippi has called in help from the Feds, which is rich since that state and plenty of others with a big crisis on their hands have been among the most resistant to taking any action to stem the tide of Covid (no masks, no distancing, no vaccs).  All of this is resulting in spikes of cases among the unvaccinated that now threaten we vaccinated folks as well, as Delta seems to be perfectly capable of also infecting us, even if we don't get as sick or die.  We still can pass it on, say, to vulnerable immunocompromised folks or kids under 12 who cannot get the vaccine.  So we are back to mask mandates and distancing in public.  Damn!

CLIMATE:  It's smoke season.  August is our hottest and driest month here and for several years now it's also our smokiest.  Wildfires throughout the western U.S. and Canada burn for weeks, acre upon acre, creating a smoke cover that, depending on which way the wind blows, blankets us in yellow eye-watering, throat-clearing, hacking and coughing smog for days on end.  We monitor air quality apps on our phones and heed warnings to stay inside, windows closed to avoid breathing the particulate matter toxic brew into our lungs.  It was 88 degrees in our bedroom when we went to bed last night after a day of 90-degree heat and no windows or doors to open.  We had floor and ceiling fans going but mostly they just blew hot air at us.  The air purifiers were working overtime inside, but outside our patio table showed evidence of "dust" collecting rapidly as invisible debris fell from the sky. We hope for relief in a couple of days as cooler, wetter weather comes in from the ocean.

MARRIAGE:  On a happier note, Hub and I celebrated our 49th wedding anniversary in July.  We went to a waterfront resort we love about an hour north of us and did lots of walking, talking, sightseeing, and kayaking.  We had a great time!  A couple weeks later we took a camping trip, together!, to Mt. Rainier. (I have not gone camping with Hub for 4 years for many reasons, but I decided it was time to get back on that horse. LOL) We hiked for three days in a row covering 30 some miles.  Blue skies, beautiful scenery, comfy camper.  

We talked about how we want to acknowledge and celebrate our 50th next year and I declared I will NOT consent to a "corsage and sheet cake reception" in some church basement or rented community room at the park district.  Not my style.  So, I hit upon this idea and Hub enthusiastically agreed:  We are going to create "anniversary-designated events" that will happen periodically (as the spirit moves) over the next 18 months -- the rest of 2021 and all of 2022.  These events will have some meaning to us -- revisting places, people, and activities that we have loved over the years of our lives together.  Because why not really celebrate?!?  

We met when we were 17 and 18; we are now 70 and 71.  There have been numerous times one would have thought we'd never last. But we did and not with gritted teeth (much) but with hope and work and determination and respect and love.  It has never been effortless, even up to this day.  But it has been wondrous in how we've gone through so many changes in our individual lives and have still managed to keep our marriage together and grow far beyond our wildest imaginings.  We are closer and happier now than ever.  We are proud of this.  So, let's party!  For a year and a half! 

YOGA BIZ:  I'll end with this.  I don't think I've blogged about teaching yoga.  Two years ago I completed my 200 hr yoga teacher training, never really thinking I'd teach, but just to deepen my own practice.  Lo and behold, last November I started leading a 30 minute meditation and gentle upper body movement session for Zoom friends monthly.  Then in January I started teaching this group an hour-long weekly yoga class also via Zoom.  We've taken the summer off, which has allowed me time to truly dive into this endeavor.  I've obtained a business license, come up with a name, created a logo, taken classes in various teaching modalities, and am ready to come back in September to a group of students who seem to like what I offer, which is "yoga for the physically hesitant"; for those who say "I can't do yoga"; for those who are new to it; who have limited mobility; who need a gentle, mostly seated practice with no getting down on the floor if they don't want to. There's lots of meditation and calming breathing thrown into the mix, as well as positive encouragement and personal attention.  I'm excited and grateful for this chance to share the benefits of a yoga practice, especially for those who say they "can't".  Yes, you can! 

At least, that's the view from here...©

Photo Credit: pixabay.com

BRAIN CHIP AT WORK

Last time I wrote I lamented that brain fog and low energy was keeping me from fully mentally engaging in my life.  I think it's still here.  Days of the week run together,  each day is over in a flash, months fly by at hyper-speed.  I think part of the problem is the task Hub and I have set for ourselves this summer -- tackling the long and rather overwhelming "to do" list of major, long-procrastinated household and garden projects while still trying to carve out personal time, activist time, and increasingly, social time.

Let's talk social time.  I swore that post-Covid Times I would not go back to a calendar full of socializing.  And, in fact, I have not.  But even the addition of 2 or 3 things a week is feeling like a lot.  I've had several coffee dates with friends; my weekly breakfast with my bestie has resumed (although she and I agreed last time to reign that back in to maybe every 3 weeks and resume our lengthy phone conversations in between); our large friend group is resuming our monthly potluck and topic discussion; Hub's monthly Men's group is meeting in person again -- this week at our house, so that impacted me since I stay away during their sharing time (it's confidential); we see family, of course, although not as often as in the Before Times, but we went to a 4th of July party at Son One's house and Son Two and Lovely DIL brought us dinner this week....  Anyway, I've got stuff going on now and frankly it's a bit disorienting.   But how long will this last?  It feels, also, like a brief moment in time...

Because,  it happens that the Covid 19 pandemic did not 'disappear like magic'.  Locally numbers are on the rise for hospitalizations and deaths; vaccine breakthroughs are being documented.  Nationally the numbers are even worse with the CDC director yesterday proclaiming we have a "pandemic of the unvaccinated".  Which, I admit, royally pisses me off!  "Vaccine hesitancy" is a thing we hear about daily, and I guess I have some compassion for the many folks who are nervous about needles,  have heard things  that trouble them and are not sure, or who still don't have easy access to getting the vaccine (this mostly in poor, rural areas of the country).  

But it's the "vaccine refusal" people who gall me -- the ones who still think it's all a 'hoax' (600,000 people in the U.S. have died!!!); the conspiracy theorists who believe the vaccine is full of evil that will do any number of horrific things to our bodies and society and with the vaccine something is being implanted on purpose by some nefarious governmental enemy; the ones who are politically opposed seeing vaccination for Covid as a Commie Libtard Conspiracy and the Deep State taking over their pathetic little lives.  (Looking at the maps on the nightly news, one sees the sea of Red Republican-controlled states as those with the highest Covid numbers and extremely low vaccination rates; our state, thankfully is Blue and 70% vaccinated).

The problem, of course, is not just they can do as they please and the consequence falls only on their own shoulders.  The problem is that as the virus is allowed to spread, it mutates.  It adapts.  It keeps growing and changing to invade with more contagion and doing more damage more quickly.  And when we vaccinated rub elbows (or shop at Costco) with the unvaccinated, the virus smacks up against our immunized bodies and starts to make inroads into bypassing our revved up immune systems and gets a foothold.  We might not (yet) get as sick; we might avoid the hospital, or even death, but how long until that is no longer the case?  We are all threatened just because millions of people refuse a life-saving shot in the arm.  It's nuts.

The country is fully "open" now with no restrictions on masks (mostly) or gatherings -- life back to "normal" (more on that in a different post).  The unvaccinated are still supposed to mask, but they never did so what are the chances they will follow that polite ask? Yesterday the CDC recommended even the vaccinated should go back to wearing masks indoors in public, remembering to physically distance.  L.A. county has re-instituted a masking policy for all.

I've never stopped wearing a mask indoors in public (groceries, etc).  I've been to a couple of coffee shops maskless, but I've felt weird about it.  I returned to my beloved yoga studio for one in-person class and 2/3 of the way through got a bit panic-y.  Our friend group met in person, outdoors, no hugging.  We are all back to being a wee bit cautious after a brief post-vaccine time of hopeful abandon.  (Plus, regular sickness has returned -- I know people with bad colds and puke-y "flu" and I don't want to catch those either!)

I didn't intend this to be yet another Covid post, but that's where my foggy brain went anyway.  I guess living in a pandemic, for me a life-altering experience, is still taking up some brain cells.  Or maybe the Deep State has implanted a Covid-focused chip that will forever be thinking of and reacting to this historic worldwide disaster.  We'll see.

At least, that's the view from here...©

Photo Credit:  Map appeared in Fortune Magazine 7.2.21

LAZY BRAIN

I don't know....I don't even want to write this post.  I don't want to do anything. 

I feel worn out.  Exhausted.  Lethargic.  Not physically exactly, but mentally.

I'm surprised by this.  Six days ago I came home from a nearly 3 week Hawaiian vacation -- perhaps my best trip there ever, which is saying a lot since we've gone annually for over 20 years.  And it was totally chill and relaxing.

The day after we got home I tackled a long to-do list in preparation for a big family gathering the next day for Father's Day, a DIL birthday, and a little thing we decided to surprise the fam with -- Christmas in June, since Covid stole our family Christmas gathering.  We put up a small tree and I spent a couple hours getting all the cute and kitschy Hawaii souvenir gifts Christmas-wrapped and under the tree for the family members.  They seemed to be delighted by the surprise and we all had a great time together with a picnic dinner on the deck (the year's first cedar plank grilled Sockeye salmon! Yum!) and celebration of special days.

The very next day, our granddaughters and their year old pup arrived for a 4 day stay.  So this week has been a whirlwind of high energy, non-stop activities, and puppy chaos.   Our 11 y/o asked to have a friend here for a sleepover and I said yes since I know this girl and she is sweet and polite.  So we went shopping for junk food, picked her up, and came back to all girls, all the time giggling and eating and singing and dancing and playing darts and pool and painting pictures, playing games, watching some noisy something or other on Netflix...on and on.  Our 6 y/o was not left out; there were remarkably few arguments as the big girls welcomed her into their orbit.  But we discovered that our Kid Friendly supper of pizza didn't work for our sleepover guest who has a allergy to something in pizza (not the cheese, she says), so I prepared something else for her at the last minute.  They were all asleep by 11:00 which I considered a victory.

Next day Hub made everybody pancakes (he's our breakfast and dinner cook for the week) and we set up a homemade "slip and slide" in the yard and turned on the sprinklers.  The puppy chased the sliders across the visqueen slippery surface, tearing it with his toenails, and barking incessantly, so he had to be leashed and quieted but it ended up being fun for all. Even Hub took a few turns and the girls thought it was pretty cool that their grandpa could show them a few moves -- he got out the Boogie Board and showed them how to run and lay on that for extra slippery sliding.  When the friend went home, we started making paper mache volcanoes, ate supper, went for a neighborhood walk, watched a movie.

Yesterday I drove 11 y/o to her friend's house 15 miles south for a day with her family to celebrate the friend's last day of school with a swim party.  So the 6 y/o had us to herself.   Hub made her some breakfast and played a game of darts. She and I shopped for paint to paint the volcanoes, painted that and other things, made felted animals from a kit, read a book, took some quiet time with her favorite kid YouTube videos while I scrolled FB,  picked a first early bowl of raspberries from the garden, had a "spa day" whirlpool bath with bath bomb and fancy shampoo, ate supper on the deck and then watched a movie, during which her sister came home.  Interspersed were lots of get this get that, eat this eat that, clean up this clean up that...take the pup out, mop up spilled paint, sweep crumbs, find lost thises and thats...sigh.  

Today...11 y/o will paint her volcano.  We hope to blast them today!  I don't know what else we will do. I do know we all love each other beyond measure and we've had a great time.  AND we will all be waiting to get the ETA text from Mom and Dad.  LOL  

So, I guess my low energy is really internal, since externally I've been really putting it out there non-stop since we got home.  

But I still worry a bit that I don't seem to be able to concentrate on much, even before this week, even while on vacation -- so many good intentions for reading my many half-read books, doing some voter suppression activism calls, taking all the classes and webinars I've registered for about yoga and brain neuro-plasticity info that I'm passionate about, listening to podcasts from which I've fallen behind. I worry that I have very little interest in seeing people, and even some resentment that everyone wants to forget the pandemic even happened and now we should just all resume regular programming.  No!  

This sounds like depression, but it is NOT.  I know depression as an old, familiar, and sometimes intimate companion and this is not it.  But what is it?

I just want to sit and stare.  Breathe.  Practice some yoga.  Watch stuff on TV.  (I have a list.) I don't want to think about my ignored gardening chores, or all the summer house projects we intend, or plan or do anything much at all.  My brain seems to be barely online.  My body just wants to walk, stretch, maybe float in a kayak, and sip a cool drink.

We will have outrageously hot temps this weekend and into next week for our part of the country -- mid-upper 90s.  It's rare to have home A/C here so it will be very uncomfortable.  I plan to do as little as possible.  This might be my chance to just "veg" and figure out why I'm so uninterested in "doing" and for a few days just be content to "be".

At least, that's the view from here...©

ALOHA 2021

 

Aloha Greetings from Kauai!

Here we are into nearly our second full week on the island, with another week to go, and I'm still not totally acclimated to the "new normal".  

Last year, during the Covid Times, we didn't come of course.  We cancelled our trip and stayed locked in our house all spring, not having any idea that a whole year would pass before things started to feel even a little bit normal again.  Actually I'm convinced more and more that "normal" will be redefined for some time to come.  At any rate, Hawaii started letting visitors come back to the state but when we booked our stay in January it was with a wish rather than a guarantee.  We expected to have to cancel again.  Then came the vaccines (Hallelujia!) and Hawaii put a program in place to begin to welcome visitors if they passed a battery of physical and cognitive tests of will and patience to get the Golden Ticket in.

We had to register with Safe Hawaii online.  Then we had to schedule a particular type of Covid test (even if vaccinated) from a Hawaii-approved partner laboratory to ensure we got the results within 72 hours of flying.  (We passed dozens of not approved test sites before we got to an approved one 20 miles from our home). We had to register with the lab, then await them posting our test result (negative).  We had to pay them $175 per test, so before we got the test, we called our insurance to ensure we'd be reimbursed.  They said yes.  Then we had to fill out insurance forms and submit our request with a copy of the receipt.  We had to upload the negative result of the test to Safe Hawaii before leaving the ground in Seattle.  If the upload didn't work (ours didn't for some unknown reason; I followed the instructions to the letter!) we had to have a PDF print out of the result in hand to show at the airport.  Once we passed that hurdle we had to download a QR code on our phones at the Safe Hawaii website proving our negative Covid test status to show once we landed in Kauai and also at the car rental place, the resort, and any other place that might require seeing our test result to let us in.  Then we went to the beach. LOL

Speaking of car rentals...we had ours reserved since January and a good thing.  We have heard there are zero cars available to rent!  Last year, rental companies purged their inventory all across the US and people have taken to renting U-Hauls in some places to have something to drive! See?  Not normal.

Once here masks are required throughout Hawaii when indoors.  So we still mask up inside public spaces.  Once outside we take them off.  On, off, on, off.  Part of this, our home-away-from-home resort for 20+ years, has been sold to another company (no longer Marriott, now Royal Sonesta) but we still are Marriott time share owners, so our accommodations have not changed, but the "vibe" is different and I feel we've been shunted off to the side, but maybe that's just me resenting that we are no longer the valued guests we once were.  Hello, Ego. LOL

Also, the retail shops on the lower levels along the gardens are all gone.  My fave dress shop, Tropical Tantrum, is now the new Welcome Desk office for timeshare guests (having been evicted from the beautiful lobby now occupied by Royal Sonesta).  The jewelry store I never went in is an empty room behind dirty windows; the art gallery, car rental office, photography gallery -- all closed and empty.  There are no local craftspeople set up on the Terrace each morning.  No breakfast buffet on the Terrace either.  The two (over-priced) on-site restaurants are open only limited hours.   We don't mind so much because we grill every night but now there are only two grills for the entire resort (the third closed for social distancing) so the wait can be long.  We've learned to grill our fresh fish at 5:00 (a bit early for us) or 7:30 (in the dark), avoiding the prime dinner hour rush of long lines and people cooking huge hunks of red meat.  Ugh!

On the plus side -- no cruise ships are docking so our beach is not inundated with "boat people" or rowdy crew members several days a week.  It's a bit quieter -- no late night music from the bar down the beach or after-dark beach revelers.  The sun shines, the breezes blow, the waves crash, the night sky is awash with stars, the ocean water is warm, the pool is beautiful, our "spot" on the beach has been waiting for us every day. Hub has gotten better at riding the waves on his stand-up paddle board; I've read 4 books; hiking trails are not too crowded; our morning 4-5 mile walks are lovely and I've lost a bit more weight -- now at my lowest in decades.  (I'll write about this weight loss journey another time).   We are relaxed and content...it's truly a time of respite from responsibilities and obligations that come with the territory at home.  And a welcome celebration of traveling to another of our special places post-vaccine.

I notice that my gratitude for my life has grown deeper and more poignant since the Covid Times.  I am getting amazing clarity on what is truly important to me and my mindfulness of present moment is sharpened.  I have changed in some profound ways over the past couple of years of personal and societal challenge.  There is no room for taking anything for granted.  It's all a gift and appreciating every moment for the lessons we can learn, for the joy we can feel, for the love we can give and receive, for the effort we can make to create and preserve what is important to us is really all there is.  

I know, I know.  Easy for me to say from my perch on the lanai looking out at the beach and bay that is my view for three weeks.  Yet, we all have a view of some kind, something or someone we love, something we long for, something of beauty we appreciate now, something that provides meaning to our lives.

May we all find a "new normal" that sharpens the senses, deepens gratitude, and helps us grow in equanimity and peace.  

At least, that's the view from here...©

NO MORE EMAIL NOTIFICATION

Hello Friends!  Well, Blogger for some reason is discontinuing the email subscriber notifications on blogs posted on this blogging site beginning in July.  We are all (the bloggers here) scrambling to figure out an alternative.  

Here's the thing...I have so few followers  (and only a couple of regular commenters) and relatively few email subscribers, that I am not sure I am going to prioritize working on this now because I have some other things going on.   (Wow, that sounds pathetic.  It IS disappointing, but I've not really promoted this blog, so there's that, which makes me grateful of any reader who has shown up!)  I have been given some direction about how to  look into setting up mailchimp but have not had time to dive into that technological quagmire.  Tech stuff is not my forte.  

So....if you are seeing this and know me personally, please get in touch with me and maybe we can work something out between us to keep your notifications coming.   I used to send the links monthly to a group of friends who supported my writing.  I can do that again.

If you are someone who has at some point signed up for email notifications but don't know me personally, first...THANKS FOR READING...and second, for now maybe just jot down the blog address and come visit occasionally. 

Once I have a chance to figure this out, I hope to have an email notification of each new post up and running again.  For now, I'm at the mercy of the Blogger platform gods.  

At least that's the view from here...©

EXPLORING SELF-CARE

Self-Care.  The sound of that strikes me like a buzzword from Madison Avenue, selling us the idea that our lives are so stressful that we need to buy something to alleviate the pressure.  Maybe hop on Amazon and do a little shopping.  Or it sounds self-help jargon-y like we should do something to nurture our tender souls, like go get our nails done or have a nice hot cup of tea of an afternoon. 

It's too bad the term has such a trite connotation, because I actually believe it is very important for us to take care of ourselves.  My therapist drilled into me the notion of self-compassion since my inner voice, left to her own devices, is a critical, perfectionistic bitch always harping at me about my failings.  Is self-compassion a form of self-care?  It doesn't really fit with the "take a vacation, get a massage, have a date night, go to the gym" typical advice on self-care.

This topic came up with a group of friends recently and I was flooded with thoughts of my own self-care journey.

Self-Care as Luxury:  I would guess that those in survival mode, for whatever reason (think discrimination, economic insecurity, grief, depression, other mental or physical illness), aren't even using the hoity-toity term "self care" to describe their desperation for relief.  I know, in the past, I had episodes of anxiety and depression where self-care was remaining upright and staying alive.  My nails were a mess and I forgot how to make tea.

Self-Care as Cultural Construct: Is self-care the domain of the elite and privileged?  Or do people from all walks of life worry about how they just don't have time/energy for self-care? What if you are not a person of wealth, maybe from a different culture, finding contentment in a more simple and austere life?  Does that mean you have no stresses, therefore self-care is unnecessary to your overall happiness?  I think we all have a need for some form of caring for ourselves and it's worth figuring out.

Self-Care as Indulgence:  Sometimes self-care can feel like just feeling good in the moment.  We 'deserve' certain pleasures.  There were times in my life when family demands, social demands, work demands, financial demands, long to-do lists and feelings of overwhelm and inadequacy drove me to reach for quick-fix self-care indulgences, both planned and impulsive:  lots of wine, heaping bowls of ice cream, enormous slices of pizza,  every sweet in sight, too many parties, over-working on worthy causes, compulsive reading "for pleasure", dissociative sex, and wallowing in seething resentments (yes, even feeling bad can feel good).  All of that led to putting on 30 pounds of self-loathing.  Oops.  Not self-care.

Self-Care as Distraction:  In the midst of a busy life a "time out", like a vacation, can feel like self-care.  And in fact can be self-care if the stresses truly do drift away and we come home changed.  But for me,  travel can be stressful in itself. The trip cannot save me from myself (I pack all my foibles along with my swimsuit, as it turns out) and often I come home to the same old routine from which I tried to escape. Travel doesn't change what's waiting on the other side.  That's why, in spite of the best intentions, vacation energy so quickly dissipates once real life takes over.  I've had a nice distraction.  Same with TV, movies, books, drugs, you know....the stuff we use to 'escape' but never really deal with that from which we are escaping.

Self-Care as Life: I’ve stopped seeing “self-care” as a compartmentalized set-aside.  I’ve come to see self-care as identifying what’s not working in my day-to-day life and exploring how to change that to make my every day life more how I want it to be so that every moment is a moment of self care — caring enough about myself to take action on my own behalf.

For me lately that means taking care of my body so I can be strong, flexible, and balanced so I can remain physically active and functional for as long as possible.  Is eating sensibly and healthfully or going for a walk or practicing Yoga poses a time set aside for self-care? Or is it just part of how I live my life?

Tending to my psychological and emotional state is important to me. I seek to identify what may be causing upset and explore what I can learn about myself: Why is this thing bugging me? Why do I feel sad/mad/afraid? I gather tools to help me find better insight and greater equanimity. So is spending time seeking information and reading articles and books about one's inner state a self-care activity?  Or is diving into various modalities like Jungian psychology, archetype work, neuroplasticity, the Enneagram; seeking therapy when needed and practicing meditation regularly time for self-care or is it just how I live, incorporating these practices into the whole of my life to ensure I don't get stuck with thoughts, feelings, actions, and consequences I don't want?

For me, tending to relationships is huge because they are so important to me.  So, are having morning "check-ins over coffee" with Hub (often turning into hours long conversations), date days together, weekly family dinners with our adult kids and our grandkids, and coffee with friends acts of self care?  Or is being in relationship with others, including inviting them in closer to my life, or setting appropriate boundaries, backing off and reaching out to honor the needs of all -- and checking in with myself about what is working and what isn't -- just the way I live my life to nurture the connections to people I care about?

I see self-care as integrated into everything I do so that there is a lasting change and a life from which I don't long to seek isolated set-aside moments of "self-care".

I think caring for ourselves is caring enough about ourselves to hold a vision for how we want to live our lives and then taking action on our own behalf to hone that vision into reality.  We are worth the effort.

At least, that's the view from here...©

Photo Credit: pixabay.com