PART 2: I DON'T DRINK ALCOHOL (AND I'M HAPPY)

I wrote the previous post earlier today.  Now, later today, I'm getting to the second part of reflecting on my sobriety on this my 12th anniversary of ditching alcohol from my life.

It's absolutely the best thing I've ever done.  I didn't realize until I quit how alcohol had become a big part of my life and how I was using it in detrimental ways.  

I had a health scare 12 years ago.  I saw a bunch of doctors and had a bunch of tests.  No one could find a cause.  So of course I went online.  I found others who'd had similar issues and in a couple of the comments people posited that alcohol might make it worse.  A-ha!  At last something I could do to try to prevent any further episodes.  I could quit drinking.  Running this by my doctors, NONE of them said alcohol had anything to do with what ailed me.  But what did they know?  My friends on the worldwide web had given me the answer -- or at least some action to take.

I soon realized I felt better in several ways.  On occasions when alcohol flowed at a social event or Happy Hour, I never again worried about drinking and driving.  I never again over-indulged or had a hangover or embarrassed myself with some inappropriate comment.  I never again got alcohol-fueled angry or maudlin or overly sensitive to some random remark. 

And on any given Wednesday or Monday or any other day, 5:00 would come and go with no significance. Nothing "triggered" the desire for a drink -- not a social event, not a sporting event, not a holiday, not a celebration, not a disappointment or grief, nor any particular type of food.  I was always absolutely sure that my thinking was clear-headed and any mistakes I might make were honest ones, not ones caused by alcohol.  I didn't fall asleep too early, or wake in the middle of the night feeling gross, or sleep too late in the morning.  I wasn't foggy or groggy.  I wasn't constantly wondering about my alcohol use and whether it was OK.  

I became more myself and less a person trying to "cover" with alcohol -- trying to be more fun, more adventurous, more sexy, more outgoing, more relaxed, less stressed, more connected, a better friend, a ready-for-anything wife, a cool mom.

The myself I've come to know is of course all those things!  LOL  But I didn't believe it then.  I had to learn that without alcohol, I am that person authentically.  And sometimes I'm not any of those, or few of those, and none of it hinges on a drink to make it so again.  It is just life and me in it, accepting who I am in every moment.  And learning that seeing others for who they truly are as well makes for connections more honest and valued.  Or for seeing that some connections were not real after all.  If a Happy Hour companion is more important than alcohol-free me, well, buh-bye.

All of this has been gradual.  My values around substance use (of any kind) eventually solidified around my devotion to my yoga practice.  The yoga sutras call us to a substance-free life.  I am committed to that.  But it has been lonely.  Without the desire to go the AA route, I had no support from others who had also given up drinking.  I'd meet people here and there, but no one really talked about their story and it seemed rude to ask.  And I realized that when I talked about being a non-drinker there was an assumption of me as an alcoholic, which I may well be, but I didn't feel the AA world was for me.  I had no physical withdrawal symptoms.  I barely thought about drinking again once I quit.  So it seemed too easy for me, such that I didn't "fit" with those struggling and going to meetings.  (I might be wrong about this, but I don't know since I never went.)  Anyway, I've felt very alone with my journey and often misunderstood.

Then in January of this year I went on a solo trip to the ocean and reconnected with a woman I've known for years, who I knew had quit drinking and she introduced me to her friend, also a former drinker.  We spent a couple of days together getting caught up, visiting a gallery, doing some art together, and talking about our gratitude for being substance free.  It was the very first time I'd spend any time at all with people like me, people who were not in AA, but absolutely committed to sobriety.  My new friend recommended a couple of books (photos) and I devoured them when I got home and felt even more support from those authors.  I had no idea I could feel so held and supported and loved in this.  I will be forever grateful for my time with these two women and our ongoing friendship.

Since then I've been much more vocal and have set some firm boundaries around alcohol.  Thus, accusations of being "strident".  And maybe to some I come across as a Temperance Era prude.  (By the way, women fought for temperance and other rights for women mostly so their husbands wouldn't be able to drink, get drunk, and keep beating them up.)  But I get that alcohol is here to stay and 99% of the people I know drink and enjoy it.  I'm not marching off into an isolated self-righteousness.  But I do feel I've been given the gift of a lifetime in letting go of this habit, this desire, this social crutch.  I feel liberated.  

And I hope others will join me, like the young woman I heard from today who told me she has been "mostly" not drinking for 7 months, a few sips here and there, but less than once/month, which is a good start for someone young and fun and totally part of an active drinking culture of family and friends, much like anyone else's. She said she is so happy, learning so much about herself, seeing friendships more clearly.  "This is so much better!" she declared.  I am happy for her.  I know what she means.  I wish her the freedom I've found.

At least, that's the view from here...©

P.S. I'm on a mission to find/make/buy mixed drinks without alcohol in them that are crafted just for that reason -- not some "virgin" version of an alcoholic drink or an overpriced fruit juice concoction on the "mocktail" menu.  We found a restaurant in Ashland, Oregon where the mixologist was as proud of their created drinks without alcohol as those with.  Hub and I both loved them.  This is a bottle of shrub syrup, a gift from Son Two and my DIL.  I'll enjoy a drink made with this tonight.

PART 1: I DON'T DRINK ALCOHOL (AND I'M ANGRY)

I had my last glass of Chardonnay 12 years ago today.  My last glass of any drink containing alcohol, actually, but Chardonnay was my daily imbibe.  It tasted good, especially with seafood, or pizza, or salad, or chocolate chip cookies, or potato chips, or apples.  Basically I felt it a versatile pairing with anything on my plate.  Also great all by itself!  

No, I was not a daily "drunk" in the classic sense.  But I drank daily.  Occasionally I drank too much.  Very occasionally I drank way too much.  So do most people who drink alcohol.  Just about everyone can relate to having one too many and a hangover the next day at some time in their lives.  And generally don't learn their lesson.  So what, then, is the "classic sense"?  We still seem to picture "drunks" as sloppy, slovenly, perpetually slurring and stumbling and embarrassing.  Most of the time drinking isn't like that.  Even daily drinking.  Most of the time it's accepted, celebrated, social, and "harmless", right?  Hmmm....

Recent research is refuting the health benefits of alcohol.  Come to find out, those famous red wine studies showing it's good for heart health, and other studies recommending "moderate drinking", (even those done by our very government at the NIH) were funded by the alcohol industry.  So there's that.  (JAMA cites a study that an average of even 1 oz a day for women and 1.5 oz a day for men leads to increased death rates.  That's not a very generous pour!  Oops.)  

Alcohol use among older people can be especially problematic as our ability to metabolize the alcohol (yes, it's a poison after all), is less efficient, so we get drunk faster and harder.  (Harvard Health Publishing).  

And really, who can say who will be able to drink forever with little effect and who will end up being addicted?  80% of adults say they've had alcohol in their lives; 70% in the past month; 56% in the past week.  People are drinking.  And alcohol is a highly addictive drug -- the most commonly addictive drug in the US with over 6% of the population struggling with alcohol use disorder. (Caron Treatment Center)  

So those new studies showing it's "not safe in any dosage" will have an uphill battle getting the word out to an imbibing populace.  Alcohol culture is firmly entrenched.  

And alcohol culture advertising tells us that if we don't imbibe we are no fun, not attractive, not cool, not part of the conversation, not part of the group, not interesting, not sexy, not adult, not funny, not sophisticated, not, well, not part of the culture that calls us to drink for a million reasons -- to celebrate, to mourn, to socialize, to be a good host, to be a good guest, to de-stress, to relax, to "party", to mark life passages, to have a meal, to enjoy or to drown whatever emotions might bubble or befall us.  But I can ignore advertising, which is designed to sell insecurity and the cure for it with any number of products they push.

It's the every day culture of alcohol that is harder to be part of as a person who doesn't drink the stuff. When I quit drinking a friend lamented, "But now we can't go to Happy Hour!"  Because suddenly I was rendered mute, somber, and boring?  I admit, over the past 12 years I have become bored with having to listen to so many conversations about drinking that I could scream.  I am left out of huge swaths of family "fun", passing around various craft brews, wines, and spirits to sample and to analyze the flavors and brewing/distilling processes and stories of breweries (and wineries) visited and enjoyed.  I am slightly appalled that NO social gathering with anyone is ever alcohol-free.  People just wouldn't feel welcome or celebrated without an alcoholic drink offered.

I am pissed that there is no actual word for a mixed drink not containing alcohol that does not set it apart from one that does.  (They are commonly called non-alcoholic, near-beer, mocktail, virgin, even "temperance drink".)  It reminds me of the whole "woman doctor" trope, or using "he" to refer to both "he and she".  There is no way to identify a drink not containing alcohol except in relationship to its opposite.

The industry is making alcohol oh so much easier to access and more attractive too -- especially to younger people.  Mixed drinks and wine now come in soda-pop looking cans.  Slogans printed on bags, wall plaques, glasses, caps, t-shirts, you name it...all extoll the silly fun of drinking!  It's a fruit!!!

There are entire festivals dedicated to drinking alcohol.  Our town is gearing up for its annual Beer Fest where whole city blocks are roped off so revelers can wander from brewery tent to brewery tent with tokens to spend on tasters of beer.  Later this summer the same will be set up for  the wine annual festival at the waterfront.  For these events, I used to be the designated driver, then I stopped going so I was the designated babysitter at home, then when babysitting wasn't needed I decided to just stay home alone. But  I discovered my "vibe" was very different from those who had gone and came home with a few under their belts.  Nope. This year I'm leaving town.  I plan do an annual weekend getaway on beer fest weekend.

I've been told I'm too judgmental, too strident, too sensitive; I should live and let live, it's not a big deal, it's part of human nature to seek out mind-altering substances, it's historic, and I should stop worrying about how all of this impacts children and teens ("in Europe kids drink wine"!). I should stop being so vocal about my values and recognize my values are not shared by others which I should "radically accept".  And mostly I try to keep a lid on it.  But I tell ya, alcohol culture is everywhere.  That celebrating and accepting the use of an addictive substance is seen as "normal" and I'm seen as strident for my choice and opinion is a bit much to take.  

At least, that's the view from here...©

P.S. Part 2 coming up -- Life without alcohol is good!

SOUTH CAROLINA VACATION PART 3: ADULT BEVERAGES AND FAMILY LOVE

It's not just in the South, I know.  But it sort of felt that way as I looked over the resort activities each day.  Drinking alcohol is a big thing. People like it.  People want it. People find it fun and carefree and necessary to having a good time.  I don't drink; it's like being perpetually relegated to the Kids Table.  

Here is a selection of activities that included alcohol: Sea Turtles and Tequila* (a nature talk with drinks); Oyster Roast with Wine Pairing*; Local Beer Tasting*; Mimosas To-Go*; Bags & Brews (corn hole tourney); Brew Yoga; Local Rum Tasting and Cocktail Demo; Wine & Cheese Social*; Arnold Palmers on the Porch*.   Starred (*) are the ones the adults in our family did; I went to some, sipping the usual non-alcoholic too sweet soda option, or just water, or I skipped the event and hung out with the kids.  

It's been almost 11 years since my last drink.  You'd think I'd be used to this "one of the kids" feeling by now, but I'm not.  In fact, it's become more isolating with time, to not be part of this ubiquitous social convention around which revolves so much not just joyful consumption, but conversation -- comparing vintages, brews, tastes.  Thankfully, no one in my family over-indulges, so I don't know why it bugs me. I just always wonder what the big attraction is.  But I'm in the minority for sure;  I realize I have some work to do around being a bit judge-y about the automatic assumption that every social gathering requires alcohol to be considered enjoyable.  Still, I secretly appreciate it when someone says "no thanks" to a drink.  I feel like I'm not so alone.  Plus, it feels like that person is making an intentional decision about what they drink, rather than a knee-jerk acquiescence to social conventions.  Anyway, I loved the Milk and Oreo Cookies event the grandkids and I went to.  I fit right in! LOL

To end this vacation recap, it's appropriate that I sit down to finish this series on Fathers Day morning.  Our sons and their families will be here this afternoon to celebrate together: Hub being a dad, Son One being a dad, and bugging Son Two to become a dad.  LOL   And I think back on all the family gatherings of my earlier life, before Hub and I moved away from our home state and before the rest of my family also scattered across the U.S. and before we lost so many to the inevitable "big move" -- death.  

My parents have died, as well as my only siblings, my two brothers, and this year my older brother's wife, my sister-in-law, also died.  My older brother's daughter,  my niece, and her family live in Arizona.  My younger brother's family, my sis-in-law, nephew, and niece and her family live in Georgia.  We have not all been in the same place together since my mom's memorial service in 2008.  It is decidedly strange to be the only living member of my original nuclear family.  It's lonely at times.  

I have a good friend who still has her siblings, the in-laws, all the nieces, nephews, their families, cousins and on and on living near enough to continue to share holidays and rites of passage together.  I envy that.  I realize that when I sit and reminisce, I have no one to fact check with, to laugh with over old times, to just remember a shared experience. Since I've known Hub since high school, he of course plays a big role in walks down memory lane, but his memories of my family life are different and truncated.  

Our family holidays and meaningful moments have mostly been just the four of us -- no extended family to share with, so our sons have not had the experience I did of so many fun and/or "boring" times celebrating a distant cousins' wedding, a great aunt and uncle's anniversary, a grandparent's repeated stories of life on the farm or whatever.  I am sad about that; it's a part of family life that for us was missing except for the annual summer trips back to Illinois for a week.  My sons' memories are of seeing extended family while on vacation -- not as a daily part of their lives.

So we were delighted to welcome our Savannah family to join us on Hilton Head.  One look at my sis-in-law and I was in tears.  First of all, I adore her.  I love this kind, determined, strong, funny, loving, no B.S. woman!  Like Hub, she knows my history at least going back to the 70's and that's getting to be a long time.  When we talk, we can talk in the shorthand of one who knew each other "when" -- through good times and bad, great haircuts and awful, weight fluctuations, stupid decisions, little apartments, cross-country moves, 80's shoulder pads.  We know about being parents and now grandparents.  We know what shared heartache and joy feel like.  We were there for a lot of the big stuff in each other's lives.

Her kids, my niece and nephew, joined us too, with my niece's husband and their kids.  I thought of the generations sitting around the picnic table, our son and my niece sharing their memories of childhood antics during our annual visits, their shared memories of grandma and grandpa, their sort of stunned disbelief that they now have children of their own sitting with us, the younger generation getting to know each other as cousins for the first time.  I had tears in my eyes almost constantly; I'm a sucker for this family connection stuff.  It means the world to me.  

We spent one whole day together early in our trip, then at the end my niece and her kids came for another day of hanging out at the pool.  The following day was travel day for us although on different flights and airports.  My niece invited Son One and his crew to spend the day at her house before their evening flight.  My son said that when they showed up there my sis-in-law and nephew were there as well and they spent the day together watching the kids play, continuing to reminisce, and then bidding a tearful, hugging goodbye to each other.  My son has a heart as tender as mine when it comes to family and I could hear in his voice the deep gratitude and emotion he felt at having had this time together.  There are always good intentions to see each other more often, but then work, school, responsibilities, obligations and the fact of living 3000 miles apart become the realities that thwart those good intentions.  I'm glad we had this -- and hope we can do it again.

And that's the story of our vacation.  I'm not sure it warranted a 3-part series, but since I write this blog not only to share life observations with others who may be able to relate, but also as a documentation of sorts for myself and my family, it seemed special enough to dwell on it a bit.  May we all create special times with those we love.  Cheers!🥛 

At least, that's the view from here...©

Family Silhouette Photo Credit: www.pixabay.com

SOBER: FEELING THE FEELINGS

 I said to Hub during one of our marathon introspective conversations the other day, "I'm happy to be me."  

WTH?  I could hardly believe those words came from my lips.  I can be incredibly NOT happy to be me.  I tend to default to negativity and take long, sad dives into all my shortcomings.  "Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, (think I'll go eat worms)" is often my view of myself and my lot in life.   But something is shifting.  Something quiet, but big.  I've said my Covid year (plus) has been one of great insight, some inner struggle, much grief, slow awakening, and lately, dare I say, joy?  OK.  Joy is still a big concept for me, but contentment, growing equanimity, some semblance of acceptance seems to be accurate.

I celebrated ten years of sobriety at the end of July.  I had my last glass of Chardonnay on July 30, 2011 after a health scare that my doc assured me had nothing to do with drinking alcohol.  But what did she know?  Was her name on the Web MD article?  Did she treat all the people on the "chat space"  I visited who told their own tales of a similar situation and recommended eschewing alcohol?  No.  So I decided I would quit drinking.  And I did.

I discovered that it was easy physically, so I must not have had a physical addiction to alcohol, even though I was a daily user.  ("Is it 5:00 yet?!?")  It wasn't even that hard emotionally/psychologically because the fear of exacerbating the health issue far outweighed the desire for a glass of wine.  Still...there were many times that I could have caved.  

It's hard to be a non-drinker in a drinking culture. People were confused.  I felt left out of the many, many discussions of the finer bouquets of various wines and the apparently vast differences in IPAs.  I stopped being invited to Margarita Mondays. But every day without alcohol became another day I added to my sobriety chain and I didn't want to mess that up.  And before long, I didn't even think about it or want it and in fact started to find the whole drinking thing silly and unnecessary in general.  And I looked back at times I'd drunk too much and felt ashamed of my behavior.  I think I definitely had a problem with alcohol and am grateful that quitting was relatively easy.

I started to wonder more often what other people saw in it. I didn't find drunk stories funny anymore.  Or "high" stories either.  In my age group there is still much giggling about using marjiuana even though there are legal pot shops on nearly every corner now.  I'm told it helps with pain. I get that it does have pain-relieving properties and I also know that for some pain is an excuse to get high or at least a sought after side benefit.  I've been told it helps relaxation, helps relieve stress, helps one see the world anew in a deeper way.  OK.  But I still wonder why altering one's consciousness with any substance is a thing sought after, when life is a path difficult enough and interesting enough to be best traveled with full faculties intact, it seems to me.  (Plus, people, when you are drunk or high you are not funny or clever or cute...Yeah, I know, I thought I was too.  I was wrong.)

Anyway, what is coming at me over and over and over in my personal growth path are messages of sobriety.  My work with neuro-plasticity, with yoga, with Buddhist teaching all point out that the "addiction" to feeling good is a denial of life as it is.  My yoga mentor and my therapist have both told me that being with the 'Is-ness' of life and feeling it fully in the body is the way forward from emotional and psychological pain.  

Stressed?  FEEL IT!  Consider how life is organized that causes the stress.  Can it be changed?  Is there a different way to find peace?

Sad?  FEEL IT!  Consider self-compassion and the normalcy of feeling sad when grief arises for whatever reason.  Cry if ya gotta.  

Angry/Frustrated?  FEEL IT! What lies beneath the anger and how can you reframe, find compassion, let go?  Pound a pillow if ya wanna.

Afraid?  FEEL IT! And consider if the wolf is really at the door or is it just ruminating thoughts of 'what if' that keep the fear present.  Breathe and rest the "flight/fight/freeze" response with long exhales.

Physical pain? FEEL IT! How bad is it?  How big is it?  Can you shift attention away from it? Can it be relieved through means other than self-medication?   

Happy?  FEEL IT!  Fully take in the joyfulness, the love, the gratitude, the excitement of the moment.  Take in the sights, sounds, faces, and beauty that are filling you with happiness.

I think back on my drinking days and see how I covered all those emotions with a desire to escape them on some level, or enhance them on another, rather than fully feel them and DO SOMETHING about them, with my mind clear.  I did not want to truly sit in the place of discomfort, did not realize that all emotions are temporary.  They come and go like waves.  More substances won't keep the bad times at bay, nor keep the good times rolling.  All will end eventually, ebbing and flowing.  Reaching for a "feel good" reprieve won't change that; it'll just reinforce the reaching.

I'm happy to be me because I more deeply know myself every day, more deeply accept myself, more assuredly set boundaries and find more peace within myself.  AND last week I still had a bout of "poor me" that put me in a state of tears and self-loathing.  But a conversation with Hub (who reminded me to be more fully me when I lost my way for a bit), helped me find relief after an hour -- not weeks, months, or years.  I found my way back because of the clarity I've learned to appreciate and use to my advantage, not clouded by a false sense of "OK-ness" that is artificial.

I'll end with the happiest moment of my summer -- maybe of the past year or more.  On the 10th anniversary of my no alcohol decision, Hub organized a surprise alcohol-free Family Brunch.  My sons and their families brought me gifts to mark the occasion -- fixings for fancy mocktails, hot chocolate mix, organic tea, flavored sodas.  It was so thoughtful of Hub and the kids.  I loved the recognition and inclusion, since so many of our gatherings seem to involve trying new wines and craft beers.  In fact it's rare to go to any social gathering anywhere that doesn't include alcohol.  It was my turn and they all happily joined me in not drinking.  

I felt seen, appreciated, loved.  And I took it all in with a clear head and a grateful heart.  Life!  You just never know what lessons await.  I'm happy to be me, living mine, eager to see what's next.

At least that's the view from here...©

NOT GONNA DO IT NO MORE

Anne Lamott is one of my very favorite writers.  She posted another great essay to Facebook today.  As usual, she was both funny and wise and I love that about her.  The part that I thought about the most is the part where she muses what she would do if the world was coming to an end.  I identified with throwing dietary caution to the wind, for sure!  And I agreed that there have been times when I, too, would have taken up smoking again and knocked back a few glasses of wine if humanity was on its way out.  And I agree with her now I wouldn't do either of those things either, no matter that the holocaust was about to befall us.

I "quit smoking" (regularly, habitually) in 1982 after 12 years of thinking smoking made me look cool and expressed some external solidarity with feminism, since I only smoked Virginia Slims.  (Pawn to advertisers, I.)  I grew up with smokers -- everyone except my mom, who never smoked but inhaled enough second-hand smoke over her 87 year lifetime that her neurologist said her brain looked like that of a smoker -- as her gray matter shrunk and dementia settled in.  But even that didn't get my attention; I continued to buy a pack about once or twice a year and over a few days time would sit on my view deck with a glass or two of wine and a cigarette for old time's sake.

Then in 2010 my brother was diagnosed with bladder cancer and now lives without a bladder.  (Tricky, but possible -- modern medicine is a miracle!).  His smoking likely contributed to this reality….all those decades of carcinogens being flushed away through the bladder.  I was stunned (cancer doesn't really run in our family, so it was shocking to me to hear he had it) and I swore, "never again" and I haven't.  I'm through with even the occasional "naughty girl" drag on a Slim.  It's been 4-1/2 years and my only regret is that I can't say it's been 32 years, given my "official" quit date in 1982.  I guess I have to use the "this time I really mean it" date.

And the drinking thing…on July 31st it'll be 3 years since a drop of alcohol has passed through my lips.  I can't tell you how happy this makes me.  Surprisingly happy, actually.  Because of course I was not an alcoholic.  No, of course not.  I quit cold turkey (due to a health issue that could be made worse by using alcohol even a little bit) and I have rarely had a moment of regret or temptation.  But looking back…. I may not have had a physical addiction, but certainly I had maybe a teeny, tiny little problem with alcohol.  

Yet, I told myself I was fine.  I didn't drink every day.  I mostly only drank at night -- night being 5:00 on the dot.  Unless I was out to lunch with a friend (noon or after) or we went to Happy Hour (3:00).  And I only drank Chardonnay.  Classy wine, not cheap stuff.  Rarely hard alcohol, except a Gin and Tonic now and then.  No beer (yuk!)  I did get frustrated with restaurant pours -- 4-6 ounces is NOT a glass of wine.  Why, at home I filled those glasses up -- 8-10 ounces is a glass of wine!  C'mon!

It always amused me to hear people say they would have only one glass.  Really?  The first glass was just a thirst quencher!  Downed like a shot.  The second glass was sipped more slowly and the little fuzzy, buzzy feeling was so sweet and welcome all I could do was smile.  The third glass brought on that gauzy, I-love-the-world-and-everyone-in-it euphoria, until near the bottom of that glass or into the 4th, when a maudlin, self-pitying, tearful, wreck of a person showed up to throw a damper on the whole party.  Time to go to sleep.

There were times when I knew I'd overindulged:  sick to my stomach (rare, but still…); falling down (only a couple of times, but still….); passing out (hmmm…wasn't I just sleepy?  Of course I ignored the warning not to drink while taking anti-depressants…That's advice made to be ignored!)

On several occasions I took the "Do you have a problem with alcohol?" tests and found I had to check off some of the items.  Like drinking more than I intended to; trying to stop and not being able to (only on weekends…starting Thursday, unless there is a special occasion on Tuesday, or there is still wine in the bottle to finish from Sunday.); occasionally not totally remembering everything about the night before.   

But I didn't have to check off the very worst ones:  I never missed work or neglected my family or spent money we didn't have or drive while completely drunk (note the "completely" qualifier…which absolutely terrifies me today).  

But I was concerned enough one sunny afternoon to stop into a local AA bookstore/meeting place to have a look around.  I bought the Big Book and talked to the clerk, who of course asked me to come to a meeting and I said I would, with no intention in the world of actually doing it.  I ran to my car and sat sobbing for a good 20 minutes before I drove home and had a glass of wine.

I don't know what my friends and family thought of me back then.  My guess is that I looked just like every other social drinker who occasionally went one drink over the line.  Not much in my "public" life would have looked off to anyone.  I was super high functioning and responsible.  Still….inside me there was a void, a shame, a sad and lonely woman trying to muddle though with a little assist from a bit 'o the grape.

I've written briefly about this in a post a couple of years ago, but I've never actually written this detailed account before.   I'm a little hesitant to hit "publish" on this one.   But honesty is part of my promise with this blog and my hope is always that my experiences will resonate with you and be helpful in some way.

So, today I feel blessed by the sudden, unexplained episodes of syncope that landed me in the hospital a few times and made me decide that I wouldn't drink anymore.  I feel a sense of freedom, a sense of strength, a sense of confidence that was never there when I drank.  I feel proud and healthy and whole.  And grateful.  Most of all I am grateful that drinking is not part of my life.  And I've acknowledged that should I decide to "cheat",  I'd be back to the Chardonnay Charade in a heartbeat.  And while I don't work the steps, have not gone to any meetings, only skimmed the Big Book, I still know….

 My name is Donna and I have a problem with alcohol.

At least, that's the view from here… ©

BARACK, BOOZE, AND ROCK 'N ROLL

Last night I dreamed I was on a date with Barack Obama.  The most amazing part was that there were no Secret Service guys around at all!  I kept thinking in my dream that was weird, right?  Barack was very sweet.  We held hands at one point...that was all.  A chaste affair.

Anyway....the dream was probably prompted by my reading, again, the Rolling Stone interview with the President in the May 10th edition.  There Barack was, on the cover of Rolling Stone, looking all handsome and debonair and ready to say smart words and demonstrate  his sweet self-deprecating sense of humor, all of which is an aphrodisiac to me.  So, I enjoyed re-reading it before the recycle bin claimed the copy.

I also thumbed through the other stories, which were as depressing as the Obama interview was inspiring.

"Gregg Allman's Memoirs" was mostly a recitation of the events leading to fame, chaos, drug abuse, heroin addiction, jail time, hepatitis C and a liver transplant, death of his brother and, of course, life with Cher.

"Remembering Levon Helm", the renowned drummer/singer of The Band, traced the history of the band including Helm's own descent into herion addiction ("a part of the scene and part of the era" -- as if that is an excuse).

"Boozin' and Cruisin' with...Eric Church" delves into the angry, defiant, violent and hard-drinking lifestyle of "country's rowdiest star".

Then we have Floyd "Money" Mayweather Jr., a young boxer living the high-life story we've heard a million times of a kid coming out of an impoverished childhood to find a version of fame and fortune in the boxing ring, at least when he isn't in jail for domestic assault against his girlfriend.

I came away from this foray, at least in this issue,  into a male-dominated story selection that left me feeling sort of sick and sad.  Really?  Drugs, violence, sexism?  It's enough to drive me back to drink too.

Well.....not really.  Today is my one year anniversary of not drinking alcohol.  If anything, these stories of waste and wantonness only solidify my newfound commitment to sobriety.    The drinking, drugging life ain't pretty.

I was never really a flat-out drunk.   My recreational drug use (abandoned for good over 30 years ago) was relatively tame.  But I did surely enjoy my daily dose of Chardonnay.  And an occasional cigarette, even after I "quit smoking" in 1982.

Two events caused me to quit the smokes and the wine.  My brother, a smoker, was diagnosed with bladder cancer in late 2010.  When he called with the news and after I hung up from talking to him, tears still flowing, I vowed to myself to never have another cigarette.  They killed my dad with emphysema and were now wrecking havoc on my brother.   And how could I even justify my very occasional foray into a pack of Virginia Slims by calling it "party time"?  I only smoked when I was feeling rowdy and carefree.  Yes, by all means, let's party down by not being able to breathe! DUH!

The drinking was harder because I liked it a lot more and did it more often.  Daily.  In the evening over dinner, to relax and socialize with friends, to celebrate a special occasion...it's so much a part of our culture that once I stopped, most people were not quite sure what to do with me.  Sure, I'd given up wine, but "Does that mean Vodka too?" I was asked.  Or "We could go to Happy Hour, but you aren't drinking"...because I guess a soft drink and an appetizer make me less fun to be with?  I started to bring my own club soda or tonic water to have with a lime when we went to friends' homes.  There was a certain look of concern, panic, or uncomfortableness until people got used to the fact that "Ivy isn't drinking."

I'm sure some who knew me less well assumed there was AA involvement.  But no.  Actually, I'd had a few bouts of unexplained (and completely unrelated to any alcohol consumption) syncope -- fainting.  It was weird and sort of terrifying to have this come out of the blue and wake up to find paramedics standing over me.  All the tests in the medical world revealed no specific cause so, of course, I took to the Internet to find a diagnosis.  I came up empty but found a whole bunch of conversational streams populated by others who also have "unexplained syncope" and at least some recommended no alcohol consumption.  That was enough for me.  I was ready to do anything to make the episodes stop.

I had my last drink on July 31, 2011.  I haven't fainted since then, but absolutely no one credits my being "on the wagon" for that.  It would be hard to sort out all of the variables.  I've also started to eat better, exercise, meditate, lose weight, and stay hydrated.   I also noticed I liked not drinking.  I didn't miss it (OK, a couple of times I was tempted) and now I rarely even think of it.

So when Barack and I go out again, we may stop for a FroYo Swirl and I may lament the carbs involved, but driving won't be a problem.  And if there's ever a story about me in Rolling Stone, it will outline the ways in which I have left nearly all my vices behind and become the Saint of Clean Living.  I'm sure that issue will sell out in no time.

At least, that's the view from here....©