PART 2: I DON'T DRINK ALCOHOL (AND I'M HAPPY)

I wrote the previous post earlier today.  Now, later today, I'm getting to the second part of reflecting on my sobriety on this my 12th anniversary of ditching alcohol from my life.

It's absolutely the best thing I've ever done.  I didn't realize until I quit how alcohol had become a big part of my life and how I was using it in detrimental ways.  

I had a health scare 12 years ago.  I saw a bunch of doctors and had a bunch of tests.  No one could find a cause.  So of course I went online.  I found others who'd had similar issues and in a couple of the comments people posited that alcohol might make it worse.  A-ha!  At last something I could do to try to prevent any further episodes.  I could quit drinking.  Running this by my doctors, NONE of them said alcohol had anything to do with what ailed me.  But what did they know?  My friends on the worldwide web had given me the answer -- or at least some action to take.

I soon realized I felt better in several ways.  On occasions when alcohol flowed at a social event or Happy Hour, I never again worried about drinking and driving.  I never again over-indulged or had a hangover or embarrassed myself with some inappropriate comment.  I never again got alcohol-fueled angry or maudlin or overly sensitive to some random remark. 

And on any given Wednesday or Monday or any other day, 5:00 would come and go with no significance. Nothing "triggered" the desire for a drink -- not a social event, not a sporting event, not a holiday, not a celebration, not a disappointment or grief, nor any particular type of food.  I was always absolutely sure that my thinking was clear-headed and any mistakes I might make were honest ones, not ones caused by alcohol.  I didn't fall asleep too early, or wake in the middle of the night feeling gross, or sleep too late in the morning.  I wasn't foggy or groggy.  I wasn't constantly wondering about my alcohol use and whether it was OK.  

I became more myself and less a person trying to "cover" with alcohol -- trying to be more fun, more adventurous, more sexy, more outgoing, more relaxed, less stressed, more connected, a better friend, a ready-for-anything wife, a cool mom.

The myself I've come to know is of course all those things!  LOL  But I didn't believe it then.  I had to learn that without alcohol, I am that person authentically.  And sometimes I'm not any of those, or few of those, and none of it hinges on a drink to make it so again.  It is just life and me in it, accepting who I am in every moment.  And learning that seeing others for who they truly are as well makes for connections more honest and valued.  Or for seeing that some connections were not real after all.  If a Happy Hour companion is more important than alcohol-free me, well, buh-bye.

All of this has been gradual.  My values around substance use (of any kind) eventually solidified around my devotion to my yoga practice.  The yoga sutras call us to a substance-free life.  I am committed to that.  But it has been lonely.  Without the desire to go the AA route, I had no support from others who had also given up drinking.  I'd meet people here and there, but no one really talked about their story and it seemed rude to ask.  And I realized that when I talked about being a non-drinker there was an assumption of me as an alcoholic, which I may well be, but I didn't feel the AA world was for me.  I had no physical withdrawal symptoms.  I barely thought about drinking again once I quit.  So it seemed too easy for me, such that I didn't "fit" with those struggling and going to meetings.  (I might be wrong about this, but I don't know since I never went.)  Anyway, I've felt very alone with my journey and often misunderstood.

Then in January of this year I went on a solo trip to the ocean and reconnected with a woman I've known for years, who I knew had quit drinking and she introduced me to her friend, also a former drinker.  We spent a couple of days together getting caught up, visiting a gallery, doing some art together, and talking about our gratitude for being substance free.  It was the very first time I'd spend any time at all with people like me, people who were not in AA, but absolutely committed to sobriety.  My new friend recommended a couple of books (photos) and I devoured them when I got home and felt even more support from those authors.  I had no idea I could feel so held and supported and loved in this.  I will be forever grateful for my time with these two women and our ongoing friendship.

Since then I've been much more vocal and have set some firm boundaries around alcohol.  Thus, accusations of being "strident".  And maybe to some I come across as a Temperance Era prude.  (By the way, women fought for temperance and other rights for women mostly so their husbands wouldn't be able to drink, get drunk, and keep beating them up.)  But I get that alcohol is here to stay and 99% of the people I know drink and enjoy it.  I'm not marching off into an isolated self-righteousness.  But I do feel I've been given the gift of a lifetime in letting go of this habit, this desire, this social crutch.  I feel liberated.  

And I hope others will join me, like the young woman I heard from today who told me she has been "mostly" not drinking for 7 months, a few sips here and there, but less than once/month, which is a good start for someone young and fun and totally part of an active drinking culture of family and friends, much like anyone else's. She said she is so happy, learning so much about herself, seeing friendships more clearly.  "This is so much better!" she declared.  I am happy for her.  I know what she means.  I wish her the freedom I've found.

At least, that's the view from here...©

P.S. I'm on a mission to find/make/buy mixed drinks without alcohol in them that are crafted just for that reason -- not some "virgin" version of an alcoholic drink or an overpriced fruit juice concoction on the "mocktail" menu.  We found a restaurant in Ashland, Oregon where the mixologist was as proud of their created drinks without alcohol as those with.  Hub and I both loved them.  This is a bottle of shrub syrup, a gift from Son Two and my DIL.  I'll enjoy a drink made with this tonight.

PART 1: I DON'T DRINK ALCOHOL (AND I'M ANGRY)

I had my last glass of Chardonnay 12 years ago today.  My last glass of any drink containing alcohol, actually, but Chardonnay was my daily imbibe.  It tasted good, especially with seafood, or pizza, or salad, or chocolate chip cookies, or potato chips, or apples.  Basically I felt it a versatile pairing with anything on my plate.  Also great all by itself!  

No, I was not a daily "drunk" in the classic sense.  But I drank daily.  Occasionally I drank too much.  Very occasionally I drank way too much.  So do most people who drink alcohol.  Just about everyone can relate to having one too many and a hangover the next day at some time in their lives.  And generally don't learn their lesson.  So what, then, is the "classic sense"?  We still seem to picture "drunks" as sloppy, slovenly, perpetually slurring and stumbling and embarrassing.  Most of the time drinking isn't like that.  Even daily drinking.  Most of the time it's accepted, celebrated, social, and "harmless", right?  Hmmm....

Recent research is refuting the health benefits of alcohol.  Come to find out, those famous red wine studies showing it's good for heart health, and other studies recommending "moderate drinking", (even those done by our very government at the NIH) were funded by the alcohol industry.  So there's that.  (JAMA cites a study that an average of even 1 oz a day for women and 1.5 oz a day for men leads to increased death rates.  That's not a very generous pour!  Oops.)  

Alcohol use among older people can be especially problematic as our ability to metabolize the alcohol (yes, it's a poison after all), is less efficient, so we get drunk faster and harder.  (Harvard Health Publishing).  

And really, who can say who will be able to drink forever with little effect and who will end up being addicted?  80% of adults say they've had alcohol in their lives; 70% in the past month; 56% in the past week.  People are drinking.  And alcohol is a highly addictive drug -- the most commonly addictive drug in the US with over 6% of the population struggling with alcohol use disorder. (Caron Treatment Center)  

So those new studies showing it's "not safe in any dosage" will have an uphill battle getting the word out to an imbibing populace.  Alcohol culture is firmly entrenched.  

And alcohol culture advertising tells us that if we don't imbibe we are no fun, not attractive, not cool, not part of the conversation, not part of the group, not interesting, not sexy, not adult, not funny, not sophisticated, not, well, not part of the culture that calls us to drink for a million reasons -- to celebrate, to mourn, to socialize, to be a good host, to be a good guest, to de-stress, to relax, to "party", to mark life passages, to have a meal, to enjoy or to drown whatever emotions might bubble or befall us.  But I can ignore advertising, which is designed to sell insecurity and the cure for it with any number of products they push.

It's the every day culture of alcohol that is harder to be part of as a person who doesn't drink the stuff. When I quit drinking a friend lamented, "But now we can't go to Happy Hour!"  Because suddenly I was rendered mute, somber, and boring?  I admit, over the past 12 years I have become bored with having to listen to so many conversations about drinking that I could scream.  I am left out of huge swaths of family "fun", passing around various craft brews, wines, and spirits to sample and to analyze the flavors and brewing/distilling processes and stories of breweries (and wineries) visited and enjoyed.  I am slightly appalled that NO social gathering with anyone is ever alcohol-free.  People just wouldn't feel welcome or celebrated without an alcoholic drink offered.

I am pissed that there is no actual word for a mixed drink not containing alcohol that does not set it apart from one that does.  (They are commonly called non-alcoholic, near-beer, mocktail, virgin, even "temperance drink".)  It reminds me of the whole "woman doctor" trope, or using "he" to refer to both "he and she".  There is no way to identify a drink not containing alcohol except in relationship to its opposite.

The industry is making alcohol oh so much easier to access and more attractive too -- especially to younger people.  Mixed drinks and wine now come in soda-pop looking cans.  Slogans printed on bags, wall plaques, glasses, caps, t-shirts, you name it...all extoll the silly fun of drinking!  It's a fruit!!!

There are entire festivals dedicated to drinking alcohol.  Our town is gearing up for its annual Beer Fest where whole city blocks are roped off so revelers can wander from brewery tent to brewery tent with tokens to spend on tasters of beer.  Later this summer the same will be set up for  the wine annual festival at the waterfront.  For these events, I used to be the designated driver, then I stopped going so I was the designated babysitter at home, then when babysitting wasn't needed I decided to just stay home alone. But  I discovered my "vibe" was very different from those who had gone and came home with a few under their belts.  Nope. This year I'm leaving town.  I plan do an annual weekend getaway on beer fest weekend.

I've been told I'm too judgmental, too strident, too sensitive; I should live and let live, it's not a big deal, it's part of human nature to seek out mind-altering substances, it's historic, and I should stop worrying about how all of this impacts children and teens ("in Europe kids drink wine"!). I should stop being so vocal about my values and recognize my values are not shared by others which I should "radically accept".  And mostly I try to keep a lid on it.  But I tell ya, alcohol culture is everywhere.  That celebrating and accepting the use of an addictive substance is seen as "normal" and I'm seen as strident for my choice and opinion is a bit much to take.  

At least, that's the view from here...©

P.S. Part 2 coming up -- Life without alcohol is good!

QUIET MIND, GOOD FEELING, NO FISH

If you read my last post on June 1 https://myviewfromhere-donna.blogspot.com/2023/06/giving-up-on-hope.html, you know I had an epiphany and it led to acting upon my life in a new, less emotionally stressed and frantic way.  I'm here to report that it's still working!  Mostly. 

I have, however, felt a bit of a crisis of confidence lately about two things:  1.) my yoga teaching, now done mostly through a private Facebook group with hopefully inspiring posts and weekly or so Facebook Live videos, with little/no poses; mostly yoga/life philosophy, and,  2.) this blog.

It's often hard for me to believe anyone really cares what I have to say, which may be the most important insight I've had lately. LOL   So, I've been quiet.  No FB Live videos and no blog posts for over a month.  And yet, I feel an internal urge to say stuff out loud anyway hoping, but never knowing, if it might positively impact someone. And now I'm back sharing again.  So, I invite you to take what resonates and leave the rest.

The Three Principles teachings I've been studying (see previous post) talk about having a "quiet mind" and a "good feeling".  Hub and I are on a similar path lately and we've committed to meditating together for 30 minutes every morning.  Some days my mind is so, so quiet.  Other days it is not.  Both are fine -- the human condition is that we think.  It's what we do.  But when we can see that some thinking is often not serving our best interest (ruminating, future-ing, regretting, etc) we can breathe and come back to being in the here and now by focusing on the senses and getting quiet, or closer to it.  And when I am in that quieter state, I feel more at peace.  It's a good feeling.

I've become very aware that I/we "live in the feeling of our thoughts".  What we think, leads to how we feel.  Together this creates our personal reality.  We are only one thought away from a new reality! 

This is liberating for me, one who thinks herself into anxiety-producing worst case scenarios and self-loathing depressions on a cyclical basis.  Also I think I know what everyone else is thinking too and I add that to my list of thinking myself into believing things that may or may not be true, but are mostly not my business.  It's exhausting and unnecessary.  

My thinking mind needs to realize that I have infinite possibilities for thought and I don't have to return to those well worn grooves of worry.  The circumstances aren't doing me in -- it's my thoughts about circumstances that get me.  (It's why several people can experience the very same thing and have very different responses to it.  Our thoughts create our personal reality -- every time!)

Anyway...in my quieter absence from yakking at people in various places,  I've mostly spent the last few weeks staring at an empty aquarium.

I decided a little over a month ago to get my own tank.  Son One is a serious hobbiest and I've enjoyed his enthusiasm for his aquariums.  On a bit of an impulse, I decided to give it a try.  Something new to learn (chemistry!), a live thing to care for (fish!), and a pretty thing to look at (clear water, colorful movement, relaxing aesthetic!)  Son One took me shopping and we got my 10 gallon tank set up with live plants and a two Nerite snails.  But wait....no fish???  

My first learning was about "cycling" or "seasoning" the tank.  It's very science-y and I'm still learning and my head is spinning with conflicting information, but I'm loving this so far.  Get the plants established and water parameters stabilized, then add fish.  This can take several weeks unless you do it with chemicals, which I am not.  Mother Nature is my friend.

My water plants are growing like crazy. (Valestinaria, Red Tiger Lotus, and Crytocoryne Wendtii Green).  My Red Lotus has sent up three new shoots of leaves to float atop the water.  So pretty.  I have some other green floating plants that Son One gave me too -- not sure what they are.  One of my Nerites died, sadly.  The other is doing well.  I added two Mystery Snails which are growing and seem healthy and busy.  (Did you know they eat blanched green beans, cucumbers, spinach...??? So cool!)

I check my water chemistry daily and it's pretty stable.  After 4-1/2 weeks, I might be ready to add some fish soon, but part of me almost doesn't want to.  I am  learning patience and how to create a watery eco-system, not just something pretty to look at.  (Algae is a good thing in a new tank!)  Fish will just complicate things.  And be beautiful, of course.  So there's that.

Yet, if I think my aquarium MUST have fish, my feeling right now would be one of impatience and frustration.  But if I think my aquarium is an environment that is evolving and each day brings new change and new learning, the feeling I have is one of wonder and joy with what's right in front of me.  

Quiet mind, good feeling, no fish (yet).

At least, that's the view from here...©