GOODBYE 2021

Well, it's almost a wrap.  Tonight we say goodbye to 2021, then hello to 2022.  New Year's Eve is always bittersweet for me.  Being a documentarian and a sentimental nostalgic, I tend to pause, reflect, review, and feel the sweet sadness of the passage time... of people, events, activities, and connections.  When I try to look forward all I feel is curious.  OK, a bit excited.  I assume good things lie ahead, theoretically, even though I can tend toward worry and pessimism on any given day as I come face to face with reality. Ah, life. Complexity abounds. 

I'm looking back at the year and noting the challenges:  a re-emergence of relationship issues with Hub to revisit and find clarity; still somewhat refraining from many familiar activities; still not seeing my family as often as I'd like; rarely seeing friends and noting the toll that has taken on the closeness I loved and largely lost in some cases; losing my writing Muse for weeks on end; a bit of depression.

I also look back at the joys: the "sobriety party" Hub and my kids had for me; my granddaughters growing into such fine, funny, smart, and lovable people; at least more family time than the year before; rare friendship that is unwavering; some trips and travels; losing 15 lbs with a commitment to healthy eating and lots of walking; starting my yoga teaching business; and deepening my relationship with Hub in spite of the challenges, which in fact are growth opportunities, painful at times, and deeply meaningful too. 

I think I can take these joys and build upon them in the new year.  I know Hub and I are defining our marriage in a new way through all our trials. I plan to continue to nurture a recovery from the Covid isolation our family endured last year which created distance that lingered into this year.  I have 5 more pounds to lose and more muscle to build.  I'll expand my yoga biz.  Hopefully I'll find friendship again in familiar and new ways.  

I know I'll continue to look inward for answers to who I am and why and how I can be a more caring, authentic, engaged, grateful, and happy "me" as I grow older.  I turned 71 mid-month.  I don't even know what that means.  I don't feel old, nor young either. I am just this "now" of myself.  I'm grateful for my health, mobility, curiosity, determination, confidence, and strength.  I see all of those as assets.  Some say at times I tend to express them with judgment and self-righteousness.  That makes me sad and I am working on it; not always successfully, yet trying.  But my voice, at this age, will no longer be silenced either, even if others are uncomfortable hearing it.  

So, bring it on '22.  I'm ready.

At least, that's the view from here....©

Photo Credit: www.pixabay.com

MORE SILENT NIGHT THAN FA-LA-LA-LA-LA

The truth is ... I'm not busy.  I'm not rushed.  I'm not harried or stressed.  I'm not overwrought or depressed or sad or longing to run away.  Can this really be Christmas?!?

I think back on the years I worked and worried myself into a state of despair at Christmastime with all the planning, decorating, shopping, socializing, wrapping, baking, hosting, cooking, cleaning, and on and on.  Yes, I created the magic, the memories.  And I also ended up resentful and exhausted at some point in the season.  I joked that my favorite day of the year was December 26th.

In more recent years I've come to share the load of at least food-prep for hosting the family gatherings (for Christmas and two December BDs) with my grown sons and their families. That's been great!  

And then last year, of course, we all went Cold Turkey and had ZERO Christmas contact with anyone.  So I grieved.  But I also learned to let go.  The Covid Times taught/are still teaching me lessons in discernment.  What's really important?  What is realistic?  How much can I let go of expectations (and memories) and be in the "is-ness" of this moment?

I guess I've successfully isolated myself enough to have ZERO non-family social events on my calendar this year.  My BFF invited me to breakfast for my BD later this month, but that's it.  And that's FINE!  I'm relieved to not be trying to keep up with a jam-packed social calendar, like in olden days, of constant obligation.  

Hub and I are heading to our fave little getaway town on the water a ferry's ride away next week -- we go every year to celebrate my BD and the holidays.  It's truly romantic.  We love it.  Of course we skipped last year, so we are both looking forward to resuming the tradition.  

The day after we get back the whole family will head to Son Two's house for an early Family Christmas and Gift Exchange, since he and his wife will be in California for the holidays with her family.  

On Christmas Eve Son One and his family will be at our house for our traditional Christmas Eve buffet of yummy finger foods and sweets.  On Christmas Day we will see them again at either our house or theirs, TBD.  But I already warned that if we gather at our house, I will NOT be preparing a big sit-down Christmas Dinner.  Nope.  Maybe leftover goodies from the night before or maybe pizza.  LOL

And that's it.  We used to host a BIG New Year's Eve party, but gave that up some years ago.  So we will end the holiday season as we do lately...home alone, probably watching the NYC ball drop and the festivities at the Space Needle in Seattle on TV before heading up to our porch-with-a-view to watch any fireworks others generally shoot off at midnight, while we kiss each other into yet another year together.  

I wonder if I could have foreseen, during all those years ago of frantic merry-making, that one day the Christmas season would feel even more magical for it's calmness?  I guess not. I think I probably didn't take time to even imagine that at this age and stage things would look so differently.  If I thought of it at all, I'd probably have imagined it sad and lonely.  It's not.  It's just how it is...and how I actually want it to be.  And I am embracing it, with gratitude. 🙏🏽

At least,  that's the view from here...©