A SLUG IN PARADISE

Kauai time.  Again.  Our annual visit.  I was so sick of the rain and gray at home.  It's brighter here, definitely warmer.  There is sunshine.  And all day yesterday, rain too.  All day.  I've read two novels on this trip so far. Yesterday I read the second of the two -- a whole novel in one day, which I have not done in decades! -- the 10th in Laurie R. King's series of mysteries about super sleuths Mary Russell and Sherlock Holmes wherein the semi-retired Holmes plays the supporting role to his young wife, the intrepid Mary Russell.  Delicious.  Anyway....

I sort of loved yesterday.  Hub and I stayed in our villa, me reading, he playing Solitaire on his phone -- an obsession he picked up after we arrived here and seems not to be able to put aside.  I'm sort of enjoying his mindless playfulness with the thing, since my novels are a companionable distraction for me.  It's very unusual parallel play for us; usually one of is is "being" while the other is "doing" or we are both "doing" and lamenting not enough "being".  Life!

Other things feel different here this trip too.  There is a lot of resort renovation going on, so some areas are closed; there is noise, minor frustration.  Last year I wrote a blog post about the realities behind the "highlight reel" of our stay here and this year I could write the same, and then some.  Maybe this trip has outlived its usefulness as a spring getaway.  Maybe we've overstayed our interest.  Maybe it's time for a change.  We are contemplating NOT coming every year.  In fact, already for next Spring we've booked a Viking River Cruise in Europe, supplanting our usual Kauai timeframe.

That's not to say we aren't having a good time here.  We are. It's just been a slow start, with lots of cloudiness, a rainy afternoon, then rain all day yesterday, me with my migraine/nausea showing up of course, the usual little annoyances of travel, and just a general malaise -- mostly on my part.  I just don't have any energy for much physical activity, which puts me at odds with Hub's idea of fun.  But even he has been much more contented (so far) to "be" and not so much "do."  He brought his inflatable stand up paddle board and in our first 6 days here he's used it only once, briefly.  He does plan a long paddle this afternoon, installing seats to use it as a kayak out on the bay and up the river.

Last year was my favorite Kauai vacation in the nearly 25 years we've come here.  I was confident, happy, energetic, we had great weather,  loved doing lots of physical activities (remember the dreaded mud hike???).  This year I feel like a slug.  Every outing is an effort.  Not sure what's going on.  Maybe I just need to give myself permission to accept this reality and not push myself?  Maybe I need to push myself to get past this slo-mo tendency?  How does one know?  I don't know.

So, have we all enjoyed this whiny, privileged post?  I am grateful to be here, in whatever mental and physical state I'm in.  It's beautiful.  We found a new beach we love.  The pool here is warm enough in spite of a broken pool heater.  Hub's nightly grilled fresh fish is delicious.  We are loving being together with no distractions.  And did I say it's warm???  Ahhh....  

What I need to figure out is...can I stop ruminating on my "physical/mental state" and just trust that I know what I need and then lean into that?  Stay tuned...

At least that's the view from here...©

Photo Credit:  www.pixabay.com

WE ARE NOT ALONE

Just a quick follow up to the last post about depression.  I'm better.  Way better.  Back to "normal", whatever that is.  It was a month-long slip-slide into darkness, and now it's light.  Sometimes it seems to happen overnight.  Sometimes I can feel the light getting in through the cracks more gradually.  Anyway, I am grateful to return to feeling like I'm an OK person and maybe, just maybe, people like me (a little) and I'm not a scourge upon the earth, wrong and ignorant in every way.  Sheesh.  

When I hit "publish" on the last post, it was because I was convinced that someone needed to hear they were not alone.  And guess what?  I got comments on the blog; I got emails; I got comments on my Facebook page;  I got one private message; and I got two texts all from people who could relate, who also are challenged by bouts of depression at various times, some currently.  That made risking my own vulnerable sharing worth it.  That is what we need to do for each other.  Be honest, be real, be there.  We are not alone.

I've been reading how we are all so isolated from each other, especially with the rise of social media, the horror of the pandemic years, and the polarized world we live in.  All true.  But I know, even with all those things, it only takes reaching out and telling the truth about our lives to make all of us feel less alone. 

Community can be formed in many ways.  I try to form community here on the blog.  I try to form community on my Inner Journey Yoga Facebook page, even on my personal Facebook page, although so many people these days have bailed on FB that it's rare to get personal sharing there.  But I persevere.  I also do it with the occasional email to my geographically closest neighbors and on the Messenger app group for my family.  Also, every Monday morning I Zoom with a group of smart, funny women friends who have met together now for several years.  I do a phone chat with a BFF weekly.  None of these are in person, none IRL (In Real Life), but they are all also forms of community.  I would miss them if they were gone.  I would be much more alone.

Of course I see family and friends in real life too, but far less often than I did pre-Covid.  I actually sort of like the less frantic social running around.  So it's OK, but I ask myself sometimes, "Do I actually have any friends?" when it feels like I can go days not seeing anyone outside my home, compared to the busy, calendar-full of events and activities I used to keep up with.  I can see why some of us suddenly feel lonely for a former fuller life.

But to completely feel alone, not a part of something, not important to anyone is not OK.  And depression tells us that lie.  That we are not worth being with and we are alone.  So, I'm grateful that my blog post found those who needed to hear that is not true, that we have worth and value and that the darkness will pass.  I'm grateful for the communities that exist in whatever form that keep us connected.  I am grateful for you.

At least, that's the view from here...©

:Photo Credit: www.pixabay.com

THE MONSTER RETURNS

One in ten Americans experience depression at any given time.  10% of the population.  That's one statistic anyway.  I guess one's experience with depression will color whether you think that's a large number or a small one.  As one of those 10% it seems really small to me; I sort of can't believe it.  Really?!?

I am very envious. I'd absolutely LOVE to be in the other 90%.  I simply cannot imagine what it's like to have the Monster at bay.  How can that possibly be???

I think part of my depression comes from my "highly sensitive/responsive" character traits which make me experience and feel things more deeply than most.  The "highly sensitive trait" is found in about 30% of the population.  (Previous blog post about this: https://myviewfromhere-donna.blogspot.com/2022/09/highly-sensitive-people.html  

Here's what I'd like:  to be highly sensitive (there are actually some really GOOD things about this!) but NOT depressive!  I'd be OK with being in that 20% of the population.  But alas...

Anyway, I know people who say they get "blue" for a few days, or feel "emotional" occasionally.  That's to be expected; life sucks sometimes.  But wow...it also feels so foreign, so impossible to attain that nearly constant state of okay-ness.  Their lives must be so easy, so mostly contented and happy!  What must that possibly feel like???  Do they feel anything?  LOL

I follow a professional blogger/writer who writes with great honesty, insight, and humor about her ongoing struggles with anxiety and depression.  I wish I could do that.  I write now with some trepidation and outdated shame.  I still feel the stigma -- the pity, judgement, fear, and rejection that lives in my past experiences and in my head around how others have, or may, respond to my revelation.  

Calling depression a "mental illness" doesn't help, but I guess it actually is.  Depression and its twin, Anxiety, are big fat liars who scream in our heads that we are worthless and hopeless and that we should stay inside and under the covers for, like, forever so we don't inflict ourselves on "normal, happy" people.  It makes our minds a little weird and "ill", mentally.  We often take to our beds.  Except that I had a family vacation to do in the middle of it this time.  I wasn't moping around the whole time and mostly it was fine, but I did have to close the door to my room sometimes and I did smile through the dead-inside feelings sometimes.  I'm very good at that; a lifetime of practice.  

This time it's been about a month since I mostly checked out.  I got triggered by an old wound, a reminder of past events, and the PTSD of it all came roaring back in like one second.  I saw it coming.  I thought I'd handled it. But I couldn't, not really.  I wish I could explain how this feels to those 90% who just think we can wish or will it away.  Nope.  But, I'm coming out of it or I wouldn't be able to even write about it.  I knew this was a bad bout when I couldn't cry.  So about a week ago, when the tears came, I was relieved.  I knew that meant I was feeling something again.  

This week, I've started to return to my life, thinking about another upcoming trip, planning my garden season, thinking about getting involved in my community in some way, writing again, recording my weekly FB Live video for my yoga group, talking to a couple of friends, putting down my (non-violent, basically lovely) Laurie R. King historical-mystery-series, which I've been reading obsessively as an obvious escape from my own mysterious brain, and checking back in once/day with the actual news of the world.  (More mass shootings...which doesn't help, so I'm actively seeking out inspirational stories.)

I'm just going to hit "publish" on this now so it goes out to all who may feel less alone with your own struggles as you read about mine.  In a day or so I'll write about other things.  I just thought I'd let you know why I've been "absent".  If you are in the 10% Club, you get it.  If not, lucky you.  And I'll be back to your world soon and will cherish each moment of it until the Monster returns, as I've learned it will.  Damn it.

At least, that's the view from here...©

Photo Credit:  www.pixabay.com