TWO YEARS AGO TODAY - PATIENT ZERO

Two years ago today, the first "official" Covid case in the U.S. was diagnosed at a hospital 2.5 miles from my house.  What a journey we've all been on since then!

I can't even begin to recount, nor do I want to, the sad, scary, frustrating, hopeful, dismaying, lonely, grateful turns our lives have taken in this historic time.  I desperately wish this wasn't a thing I have to deal with in my latter years. Nor do I wish it upon my grandchildren in their most innocent years, nor anyone in between, really.  But here we are.

I'm most distressed about how slow our national leaders under the previous administration were to do anything substantive to help the people of our country -- wasting time on ridiculous denials, snake oil treatments, lack of testing capability, and anti-science, anti-scientist denigration of facts and expertise. 

I'm equally distressed that we have a ongoing battle between those who are taking responsible action by wearing masks and getting vaccinated and those who continue to yell "hoax" and deny that masking or vaccines work.  The spread of this virus and its emerging variants is the result, endangering us all.

And we are not just endangered by Covid and the most recent Omicron variant...the hospitals are full to capacity and unable to perform other procedures and surgeries.  I have friends who spent long untended hours lying on gurnies in short-staffed ER's only to be treated for their ailments as best they could and sent home when perhaps hospitalization would have been more beneficial.  I have a friend who, with a cancer diagnosis, had her surgery pushed back for months; another whose much-needed heart procedure has been postponed indefinitely.

By now I'm sure everyone knows someone who has contracted this virus, has been gravely ill, or even died, or has barely noticed it -- feeling little more than cold symptoms.  It's a treacherous bug, seemingly hitting randomly at times, but since vaccinations have been available the unvaccinated are at far, far greater risk.

Even with vaccinations, I know several friends and friends of friends who have recently contracted it.  Pre-vaccination, my son had it in early days of of the outbreak in 2020; post-vaccination and with a booster his wife got it just this past holiday season; last week my husband was exposed by a friend with whom he shared an apartment on a week-long snowboarding trip.

Yes. In spite of our extreme measures of "being careful" all this time, the virus got really close to Hub and me.  His friend tested positive the day before the end of their week together.  Hub called me with the startling news and we immediately went into troubleshooting mode. He would test the next day before he left and regardless of result would live for the next five days in his camper in the driveway, protecting me from possible exposure. 

His test was negative as he left to come home; he still moved into the camper.  We stayed apart, texting, talking on the phone, and masking to meet on our upstairs open air porch, sitting 10 feet apart, propane heater going, for an hour each evening. Yesterday was Day 5 of the recommended quarantine period and he was negative again so we've been reunited.  It's strange that this most contagious of variants hit one guy and spared another.  But there ya have the head-scratching nature of how this has been going from the beginning.  

They say Covid may always be with us now, peaking with new variants at times and ebbing at others.  We will get "comfortable" with learning to take precautions in greater or lesser stringent degree as the virus runs through its cycles.  We may need more frequent "booster" vaccinations and we may still contract it, even if we are vaccinated, but we will likely avoid the ICU and death.  And that's an improvement over the first year of this scourge.

President Biden just announced at-home test kits and free masks will be provided to all U.S. citizens.  That will help for those who bother to use them.  Masking is still the easiest way to help avoid this thing, but the controversy over it still rages.  The Supreme Court just ruled that OSHA cannot mandate masks in workplaces with over 100 employees because the Covid is not a workplace hazard, per se.  Really?  There's the Conservative Court at work, NOT protecting us.

I'm grateful for staying healthy, for Hub not contracting it, for my family members who did get it recovering fully with few debilitating days.  I'm grateful that every member of my family is 100% onboard with vaccinating themselves and the kids.  I would be heartbroken to have to deal with someone close to me feeling just fine about endangering themselves and others. 

I don't know when we will be 'back to normal', as if anyone really knows now what 'normal' means.  I know that having lived during this time, I take nothing for granted; I count on nothing; I am ready to change plans at a moment's notice; I steel myself for bad news; I rejoice in simple and previously taken-for-granted activities and opportunities.  

I'll continue to wage the "risk assessment" wars, sometimes deciding to sequester and sometimes deciding to venture into the public fray.  And I'll never, ever, ever again not value the life I've been given, the love I've been able to give and receive, the absolute gift of health and vitality.

At least, that's the view from here...©

Photo Credits:  All over the internet... 😥

To date cases of Covid 19 in U.S.: 70.1 million; Deaths: 864,000.  Worldwide cases: 346 million; Deaths: 5.59 million (and these stats are most likely way under-reported).

CONNECTION ADDICT

I've been home alone for seven days while Hub is off on a snowboarding trip -- his first of several planned this season.  I decided after a troubling and depression-inducing couple of difficult interactions with people recently that I needed a re-set -- a "people break" -- while he was gone.  

So as soon as he pulled out of the driveway I began a silent/solo retreat where I intended to sequester myself from other people (mostly).  I had no energy or interest for being with anyone.  To do so felt overwhelming.  Plus, I was pretty sure everyone hated me, because Depression told me so.  So, I cancelled all my social plans for the week (or what passes for social plans in this time of Covid resurgence -- a couple of Zoom get togethers, my yoga class (after signing up for a solo intensive online training), a tentative in-person meet-up,  a phone chat with a friend, and all email/social media interaction.  I told Hub I didn't want to talk on the phone or email or message him except to exchange one photo each day that represented something we liked about our day or how we were feeling.  I wanted to be non-verbal.

What I noticed is that my friends all were gracious and understanding of my cancellations.  And while I don't feel addicted to social media, it felt different and weird to scroll a bit each day and not do a knee-jerk "like", "comment", or "post".  I saw some funny things, thought-provoking things, uplifting things, friends doing stuff -- and I had to keep reminding myself that I was not participating.  It got easier, but not easy, yet it felt like a good exercise in self-control anyway.  

Which led me to think about how important connections are to me.  I am an introvert and as such close and intimate friendship, longstanding friendship, social media friendship, all feed my soul.  I don't need or want to go to big in-person gatherings, although I have and I can.  There is misnomer that introverts are loners who don't need others or prefer to be alone.  Sometimes I do prefer to be alone, appreciate being alone, crave being alone...but that in no way points to being someone who has no need of other people.  I, more than most I think, really do need to feel part of a group, part of people's lives, someone people like and care about.  I work hard to try to ensure that happens.  I try to be a good friend to get a good friend. I work at organizing and facilitating groups of people and have for 50 years in some capacity or another.  I don't avoid people!

Yet, as with most things, my people-craving tendency likely goes back to a childhood of being fairly 'invisible' in my family, the middle "good girl" between two sometimes rambunctious brothers who sucked up all the attention, even if lots of it was negative.  I sat quietly, waiting, while I watched my self-esteem evaporate.  My parents were loving and caring and I was in no way "neglected" in the classic sense, but neither was I seen for who and what I was in any meaningful way, except to be praised for being "good" or point out the ways I could be better.  

Naturally there is lots more to this story, but at this point in my long life I am finally coming to terms with my "addiction" to need to be in connection with other people.  

Recently two incidents occurred that stabbed at my little girl wound and I went into a tailspin of self-loathing.  That was not productive, but if you've experienced depression you understand that a significant "trigger" event will drag you into the dark hole with zero ability to access rational higher executive order functioning to "talk yourself out of it" -- nor can anyone else.  

But I have learned over my lifetime, that eventually the Monster will grow tired, I'll find a lifeline in a book or a friend's kindness, or an "a-ha" conversation or a train of thought, and I start to climb out again.  That's where I am today.  Plus the sun is shining -- always a gift in these dark gray winter days.

So this thing with people:  I felt I needed to experiment with being truly alone.  I needed time and space to think about the triggers that pulled me under and what part I played and what part others did--mostly around agreements made and broken, expectations dashed, fears of emotional abandonment showing up as judgement.  

I needed to also just STOP trying so damn hard to analyze everything and just "be"; this week moving through my days as I was called to internally:  read, eat, clean a closet, meditate, listen to a podcast, write, nap, watch TV, go for a walk, consider taking a shower...giving myself permission to let go of any and all obligations and expectations for accomplishment, productivity, or people-pleasing.  When any ruminating started, I stopped it in its tracks with mindfulness awareness of only the present moment. (Thank you to every meditation teacher I've ever had! 🙏🏽)

I find myself today in a place of peace and contentment, feeling a sweet longing to welcome Hub into my little cocoon of warmth and silence when he returns.  I have no illusions that "real life" won't intrude upon my refuge when I open the doors again to interacting with people.  And I again will be imperfect in those connections, as will others.  

But what feels different is that I have practiced being alone -- physically AND emotionally.  I don't need to grasp for and crave "belonging" in order to feel safe.  I just need to be quiet and at peace with my own company, trusting my own inner guide and nurturer. From this place I can let go of all longing and expectation for relationship and connection to feed me and make me safe.  I can welcome it when it comes and allow its absence when it doesn't.  This might seem easy or like commonsense to some of you.  We are all different with different hurt places. I've lived with mine for a long, long time.  Maybe this is a step in healing it. 

At least, that's the view from here...©

Photo Credit: www.pixabay.com

2022 - RUN TOWARD THE ROAR

It's raining.  Not startling news for a Pacific Northwest January.  But it's welcomed by me today as the temperatures rise above freezing and nearly foot of snow covering our neighborhood finally begins to melt away.  The snow fell on Christmas night and all day the 26th, about 7 inches, then a couple days later another 3-4 inches and the temperatures stayed in the teens and 20's for the duration -- actually the longest stretch of below freezing temps in 23 years.  Not typical.  But it was beautiful, even if I decided to stay in where it was warm (not a fan of being cold) and did not brave driving on hills.

But today I'm glad for the rain because I had to go get a Covid test, pre-colonoscopy.  Yes; I really know how to start the New Year in a sparkly manner!  Colonoscopy on Tuesday morning means I am forbidden to eat anything but a clear liquid diet starting Monday morning.  Hello chicken broth, jello, and laxative-laced Gatorade!  This. Is. Not. Fun.  But since this torture only happens every 10 years, my doc tells me this will likely be my last colonoscopy procedure unless they find something startling.  So, that's good, I guess. After 80 years old they must just figure, well, why bother?  Which I do take exception with, so we will see.  Anyway...

There was a long line for the drive-through Covid test.  I'm not surprised.  Here's some jolly New Year news:  We are in the midst of a dramatic upturn in Covid 19 cases due to the super contagious "Omicron" variant's spread.  Hub and I and our family are vaccinated, even the kids, and boosted.  We thought we'd all be fine.  But this one can also attack those who are immunized, as it did one family member after a Christmas gathering.  The vaccinated who contract it likely won't get super sick, or end up in the ICU, or die as is happening at an alarming rate among the unvaccinated.  But we could still contract the virus, test positive, and develop symptoms that do not go away -- loss of taste and smell, debilitating fatigue, brain fog -- the "long-haul Covid" we are learning about as the virus settles into infected bodies and hangs around.

So Hub and I are hunkered down again doing a semi- self-quarantine for what we hope is relatively short duration until this spike goes back down to the "new normal" of acceptable risk. (Ask me how enraged I am at those millions in the U.S. who are anti-vaxxers and continue to allow this virus to spread, even at their own peril, with new more resistant variants popping up routinely!  Grrrr.)   I am not seeing anyone in person; Hub is doing at home rapid response tests before and after his snowboarding trips with close friends.  We are taking a break from family gatherings.  I love you friends.  I love you family.  But I don't want your Covid.  Back to Zoom.

On a happier health note.  I'VE LOST 15 POUNDS!  I was going to wait to announce this until I dropped 5 more to reach my new goal weight (after 15, I adjusted downward another 5.)   I truly don't think it should have taken me so long to lose a measly 15 pounds.  Some people can do that in very short order, but maybe because I didn't have a lot to lose, relatively speaking, to be at a healthier, height-appropriate weight it came off slowly?  I don't know.  I should be a weight loss biochemistry wizard by now with all I've read, practiced, and learned.  But mostly I'm just following Noom (Google it if you are unfamiliar) and credit that program for being PERFECT for psychology-obsessed, introspection-compulsive me.  I love my Noom program, my Noom support group, my Noom group leader, but mostly the motivation I found there to get to a body weight that I have not seen in decades and which has allowed me to take the black shrouds off all my full-length mirrors.  Huzzah!  

So, the New Year has begun with lots of "new" on the horizon for me.  I'll dive into specifics as time goes on.  For now, I'm grateful to be feeling hopeful, curious, determined, and relatively at ease.  Mid-late December was a rough period when I mostly felt none of that, so January is starting out downright giddy.

I hope you too are grabbing January in a big bear hug.  We all have to embrace the joy when it comes.  God knows, challenges lie ahead.  Scary world, scary decisions, risk, and reward. But we got this.  Let's join hands, conjure up some courage, and run toward the roar!

At least, that's the view from here...©