EXPLORING SELF-CARE

Self-Care.  The sound of that strikes me like a buzzword from Madison Avenue, selling us the idea that our lives are so stressful that we need to buy something to alleviate the pressure.  Maybe hop on Amazon and do a little shopping.  Or it sounds self-help jargon-y like we should do something to nurture our tender souls, like go get our nails done or have a nice hot cup of tea of an afternoon. 

It's too bad the term has such a trite connotation, because I actually believe it is very important for us to take care of ourselves.  My therapist drilled into me the notion of self-compassion since my inner voice, left to her own devices, is a critical, perfectionistic bitch always harping at me about my failings.  Is self-compassion a form of self-care?  It doesn't really fit with the "take a vacation, get a massage, have a date night, go to the gym" typical advice on self-care.

This topic came up with a group of friends recently and I was flooded with thoughts of my own self-care journey.

Self-Care as Luxury:  I would guess that those in survival mode, for whatever reason (think discrimination, economic insecurity, grief, depression, other mental or physical illness), aren't even using the hoity-toity term "self care" to describe their desperation for relief.  I know, in the past, I had episodes of anxiety and depression where self-care was remaining upright and staying alive.  My nails were a mess and I forgot how to make tea.

Self-Care as Cultural Construct: Is self-care the domain of the elite and privileged?  Or do people from all walks of life worry about how they just don't have time/energy for self-care? What if you are not a person of wealth, maybe from a different culture, finding contentment in a more simple and austere life?  Does that mean you have no stresses, therefore self-care is unnecessary to your overall happiness?  I think we all have a need for some form of caring for ourselves and it's worth figuring out.

Self-Care as Indulgence:  Sometimes self-care can feel like just feeling good in the moment.  We 'deserve' certain pleasures.  There were times in my life when family demands, social demands, work demands, financial demands, long to-do lists and feelings of overwhelm and inadequacy drove me to reach for quick-fix self-care indulgences, both planned and impulsive:  lots of wine, heaping bowls of ice cream, enormous slices of pizza,  every sweet in sight, too many parties, over-working on worthy causes, compulsive reading "for pleasure", dissociative sex, and wallowing in seething resentments (yes, even feeling bad can feel good).  All of that led to putting on 30 pounds of self-loathing.  Oops.  Not self-care.

Self-Care as Distraction:  In the midst of a busy life a "time out", like a vacation, can feel like self-care.  And in fact can be self-care if the stresses truly do drift away and we come home changed.  But for me,  travel can be stressful in itself. The trip cannot save me from myself (I pack all my foibles along with my swimsuit, as it turns out) and often I come home to the same old routine from which I tried to escape. Travel doesn't change what's waiting on the other side.  That's why, in spite of the best intentions, vacation energy so quickly dissipates once real life takes over.  I've had a nice distraction.  Same with TV, movies, books, drugs, you know....the stuff we use to 'escape' but never really deal with that from which we are escaping.

Self-Care as Life: I’ve stopped seeing “self-care” as a compartmentalized set-aside.  I’ve come to see self-care as identifying what’s not working in my day-to-day life and exploring how to change that to make my every day life more how I want it to be so that every moment is a moment of self care — caring enough about myself to take action on my own behalf.

For me lately that means taking care of my body so I can be strong, flexible, and balanced so I can remain physically active and functional for as long as possible.  Is eating sensibly and healthfully or going for a walk or practicing Yoga poses a time set aside for self-care? Or is it just part of how I live my life?

Tending to my psychological and emotional state is important to me. I seek to identify what may be causing upset and explore what I can learn about myself: Why is this thing bugging me? Why do I feel sad/mad/afraid? I gather tools to help me find better insight and greater equanimity. So is spending time seeking information and reading articles and books about one's inner state a self-care activity?  Or is diving into various modalities like Jungian psychology, archetype work, neuroplasticity, the Enneagram; seeking therapy when needed and practicing meditation regularly time for self-care or is it just how I live, incorporating these practices into the whole of my life to ensure I don't get stuck with thoughts, feelings, actions, and consequences I don't want?

For me, tending to relationships is huge because they are so important to me.  So, are having morning "check-ins over coffee" with Hub (often turning into hours long conversations), date days together, weekly family dinners with our adult kids and our grandkids, and coffee with friends acts of self care?  Or is being in relationship with others, including inviting them in closer to my life, or setting appropriate boundaries, backing off and reaching out to honor the needs of all -- and checking in with myself about what is working and what isn't -- just the way I live my life to nurture the connections to people I care about?

I see self-care as integrated into everything I do so that there is a lasting change and a life from which I don't long to seek isolated set-aside moments of "self-care".

I think caring for ourselves is caring enough about ourselves to hold a vision for how we want to live our lives and then taking action on our own behalf to hone that vision into reality.  We are worth the effort.

At least, that's the view from here...©

Photo Credit: pixabay.com