At the urging of my out-of-state niece, in 2009 I joined Facebook to better stay in touch with her, and others, near and far. I loved it from the get-go. It's an introvert's dream: I'm in charge of the subject matter, I share what I want, and what I don't, I get to omit. (Although I think more than most I've not used it as only a highlight reel of my life; I've posted some very NOT highlight stuff at times too.) The interaction is brief by design and my introvert can "escape" before I'm worn out, but I still get to be in connection. I see photos, hear stories, keep up with others I care about and feel closer as a result. It brings me joy.
Or at least it did. Over the past several years most of my FB friends have stopped participating. They still have accounts, but they rarely (or never) post or share about themselves personally. Most never comment or even hit a reaction button on my (frequent) posts. It is no longer a community of vitality and good-natured connection. It's a wasteland of mostly ads, memes, and impersonal sharing of third-party content. Some of that I like. In some of that I have found great resources that I've used and enjoyment that I've appreciated. But continued connections to a wide group of friends? Not so much, which makes me sad.
Nevertheless I've continued to post. I wanted to (hoped to) keep connections going. I looked forward to seeing who might like or comment on my posts. I hoped to see them post personally about themselves too so I could return the favor. I wanted to stay in touch, to see their lives unfold, to share my own unfolding. And yet...
I have 125 FB friends on my list. That is paltry compared to those who have hundreds. But I only use my FB to be in touch with those I genuinely find interesting and care about, so I keep my list small. I also have to know them in real life. I have never felt the need to collect names on my friend list of people I barely know. And I never, ever post publicly and never comment on others' public posts. I'm a bit of a privacy freak, another reason I post to a small friend list I trust.
I've generally been in the habit of "culling" my list periodically to those who actually interact and reciprocate, for the most part. (Some get a pass for one reason or another.) I even have sub-sets (custom lists) for various interest topics. But lately that culling, if I truly cut those who are absent, would get me down to about 20-30 total friends who actually post themselves, or who comment or like my FB posts once in a while. Most of the time it's far less than a dozen who show up to my posts. And I'm wondering what the point is.
Startlingly, I'm realizing I might be seeking something on social media that I will never find, at least not anymore. (Call me late to that realization.) I have long defended social media from the naysayers as being a true community, even if virtual. Mostly because for me it really is a group of friends I know and for whatever reason do not see often face to face (distance mostly). I still love that a platform exists that connects people who, for whatever reason cannot be out and about, or who have moved and can't visit, or have left a workplace, church, school, whatever, and still want to stay in touch in a way that is easy and accessible. This, to me, is the gift of technology.
But more and more people are over it. More and more I hear, "I'm not doing FB anymore." More and more I observe that I'm here with only a handful of others and it's a little pathetic, isn't it?
It is vitally important to me to feel connected and seen and cared about. I think that's likely true for most of us and I want that for me and want to offer that to others. But maybe my expectations are unrealistic. It may be time for me to decide I really don't need so many connections to feel OK. I have my immediate family, a handful of close friends, a few relatives in far-flung places (only one of whom is on Facebook; the others ditched it ages ago -- we keep up now with a rare phone call), and maybe that is all one needs to feel a sense of connection. I don't know. It's a little embarrassing to discover I've been using this medium to fill an emotional void. How classic. 🙄
What I do know is that in posting a little FB survey on a recent FB post asking my friends why they use social media, I got only five responses and those few said they use social media to keep in touch with others, be part of an organized group on FB, or for distraction, entertainment, or information. All valid. But I wonder if they are feeling the same lack that I am.
I've never played games on my phone, nor sat mindlessly scrolling for hours, clicking for the next dopamine hit. I use Facebook to stay in touch with friends (or hope to), catch some news of the day, keep up with various groups I belong to. I use Instagram to find inspiration (those Monks!) and some very helpful resources (exercise, meditation, medical info) and often, humor. I use my phone to Google things. All of which takes about 2-3 hours a day on average, according to my I-Phone useage tracker, so I'm not addicted and I do have a life. (Although even that much time online seems like a lot to me.)
But since my primary reason for social media has been to feel connected to a larger community of those who share and reciprocate a relationship, to stay in touch, to show up for each other by "being there", perhaps I need to admit, there are just not that many willing to play in this sandbox anymore. I'm in here building a castle by myself. For myself.
I'm willing to explore cutting back, resisting the urge to post something I think would be of interest or entertainment, or especially posting things of a personal nature. Because maybe my post is just a cry for attention, just a plea for friendship, just a bid to be seen and acknowledged as I find myself growing older and less "out there" as a part of the same social institutions I used to inhabit (work, church, regular family gatherings, etc).
I'm leaving on a trip soon. I'm thinking my usual daily trip posts are wholly unnecessary. If you want to hear about my trip, here ya go: It was fine/great/exhausting, the scenery was lovely, the people friendly. Want photos? Google Scandinavia.
I am going to find a way to use social media in a healthy, not grasping for something way, accepting it is not what it used to be but still has a purpose and some benefit to me. I miss my friends I don't see anymore, either in person or due to their choice not to be part of a virtual community, but that happens; friends drift away in real life. Trying to hang on to them virtually is silly.
I can focus on my friends right now in the present (yes, you know who you are) who share, reciprocate, and are willing to be part of my crew, however that manifests -- in person and/or online. I see you. Thanks for seeing me too. ❤️
At least, that's the view from here...©
P.S. A note of recognition. I have tried other platforms, but none has risen to the level of ease of use or dominance of Facebook. And yes I know it's now the "old folks" platform. My adult children dropped off half a decade ago. My grandkids barely know it exists. And yes I know it is an evil empire of awfulness, owned by the oligarchy. I know all the bad things, and I am not condoning any of that, but having tried other platforms, this remains the one I mostly use to connect. The others are mostly for information or entertainment. And some I don't even care to understand. But maybe I'm just hanging out in the wrong online space. Maybe that's what my friends are telling me. "Get thee to Discord!" LOL
