Monday, June 19, 2017


So, a year.  It's been 14 months since I went back into therapy after a couple decades' hiatus from the shrink's couch.  But after the horrific winter of 2016 marked by an extended visit from the Twin Demons (depression and anxiety), I needed to call in the pro.  So I did, and it worked, and I've NOT BEEN DEPRESSED for a year!  Until last week.

But it's not so bad.  A few tears; a little self-berating; a bit of reclusiveness and lethargy, but basically continuing on with the ADLs (activities of daily living).  I eat, dress, toilet, pay bills, babysit my grandkids, see friends.  I'm just operating at a lower level of energy and hope.  Hope is the thing Depression robs.  But Depression is a big fat liar, so there's that.

I'm trying to trace where it wormed its way back into my psyche.  I used to say "it comes out of nowhere!" But my therapist taught me to be on the look-out.  There is usually a trigger.  She also said I try to talk myself out of it until it's too late for an early intervention and not to do that.  This time, well, I noticed it pronto, and took action (acceptance, compassion) -- but I still hadn't seen it coming.

Maybe it was the umpteenth sore throat/cold of the fall/winter/spring.  I'm sick of feeling sick.  Maybe it was a couple weeks of a too-full calendar and no down time.  So weary!  And not sleeping so great.

Or maybe the wettest fall/winter/spring on record with the accompanying oppressive cloud cover that never seems to lift has made me a wee bit gloomy.  I put away my winter all-spectrum desk lamp when we had a warm, sunny tease last month.  I should get it out again.  June-uary is upon us.

Maybe it was (is) the constant calls to action of being in the Resistance; trying to save our democracy from a horrific President/Administration and the Republican majority in Congress who are allowing him to dismantle the norms and traditions of our Republic.  Plus they are doing their own damage.  Every single day there is a new outrage and I feel more and more helpless and hopeless, in spite of having my members of congress on speed dial.  I go to sleep thinking politics and wake up thinking politics.  The current president's name is in my head far, far too often and I cringe each time I "hear" it aloud or in my thoughts.

My Shiny Sisters were aghast today when I said I'd love to just move to another country for awhile and get some respite.  I want to live where gun violence is not a fact of life, where the government works for people, where there are leaders we can be proud of, where people don't shout each other down all the time and maybe you don't take your life in your hands driving on freeways.  We are tantalizingly close to Canada.

They were aghast because they both expressed a similar desire months ago and I got pissed.  No abandoning the fight!  No running from 'Merica, no matter what!  Now?  I'm tired.  Really, really tired of the lies, hypocrisy, undoing of all that is good.  But I'll stay, of course.   I have grandchildren here.  Not going anywhere without them.

I'm confident that whatever the reason I'm feeling down, it will pass.  I might have to slog through this as best I can, but I will make it to the other side and get my mojo back.  I'm just disappointed the "cure" was not permanent.  Still -- I celebrate a year of feeling emotionally stable (even in the face of that truly depressing election result!) and that I recognized this nemesis right away and made moves to move it along.

Do not fear -- my new motto will prevail:  Nevertheless, She Persisted.

At least, that's the view from here....©

7/1/17 -- It was really only a few days and I've been back on track since I wrote this post.  YAY!  Thanks to Hub for always listening, to my friends for holding me in love and laughter, ME for persevering and knowing which tools to grab when I need to "jailbreak" out of depression.