WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?

Feeling like I procrastinated on getting my homework finished.  I'm finally doing a blog post this month.  I never claimed to be a consistent blogger.  This proves it.  I've thought several times of sitting down to write, but the Muse wasn't on board.  She still isn't, really.  But I don't want to skip a month, which would be a first time since starting this blog in 2012.  So here goes...

I think I've been distracted by being distracted.  Distracted by feeling yet again in a state of transition: seeking, deepening, learning, growing, discerning, connecting, disconnecting, being.  The Gift/Burden of Introspection is that I often get lost in the work/delight of taking deep dives into "ultimate meaning".   As I wrote in a journal entry the other day, "It's fucking exhausting."  It seems to me that most people live a far less psychologically fraught life.  At a recent gathering, a group of friends was discussing the nature of happiness or some such thing and one participant said something like, "I haven't really thought much about these things..."  And internally I was shocked, then curious.  What must it be like to NOT think of the nature of experience, emotion, reaction, seeking deeper meaning, and looking for places of insight and peace all the f'ing time?!?  

This has been my default for my whole adult life, but as I grow older, it seems to get more intense and perhaps more urgent.  No, I won't have the "meaning of life" all figured out by the time I leave it, but I'd like to learn enough to gift myself with a life of strength, commitment, inner knowing, unshakable values, and a sure path to contentment and peace as I walk these last few steps toward the Horizon.  And I feel like everything I've done up to this point is leading there.  

Lately I'm using three tools that are providing me a framework for my introspective work:  Yoga (not just the poses, which isn't even really yoga), neuro-plasticity study and practice, and the Enneagram.  Knowing when and how to employ these tools is my current passion and challenge.

So, this month I've felt strong and sure, weak and afraid, angry and despaired, joyful and content, curious and aware....and through all of it I've felt ALONE and ALIVE.  (Existential and "in this life" aloneness is a BIG fear trigger for me...so much to learn and acknowledge and accept!  Woo-Hoo!)

Yoga = I'm taking a 4-week meditation course from my favorite teacher.  In addition to attending yoga classes, I'm also teaching a yoga class via Zoom once/week and I spend lots of time prepping that plus doing a pre-class Facebook Live video and a post-class follow up summary.  I'm doing a self-study of the Yoga Yamas and Niyamas. (Yoga's ethical guides.)  I'm watching several CE credit webinars on all aspects of yoga.  I'm finding my one, true, sure path through life based on unshakable values and present moment reality.

Neuro-plasticity = I'm continuing my study with Dr. Rick Hanson (books, podcast, webinars) on how to change our brains to default to the positive instead of the negative.  We can rewire our brains!!!  How exciting is that!  His neuro-plasticity-based-Buddhist-inspired psychotherapeutic approach is incredibly accessible and encouraging.

Enneagram = I'm continuing to turn to this tool of learning about personality defaults.  I'm learning to grow past the ways in which we cover core wounds with certain safety-motivated personality traits, and instead reach for a "higher" more wholistic and positive/powerful way of being with and understanding oneself and others.   

I'm also doing the dishes and the laundry, paying bills, chatting with friends, going for walks, seeing family a bit, hanging out with Hub, cleaning out the attic and other storage spaces, cooking dinner, keeping up with some political stuff including sending postcards to voters in states with big elections coming up next week (Go Virginia!), watching great TV (when did all the shows get so good?!?), and even went to a rock concert!  

What I have not done is sit down to write in this blog.  Maybe this entry will break the logjam of Muse-absent writer's block.  Maybe not.  Let me contemplate the deeper meaning of it all....why have I been avoiding this?  Am I burned out?  Do I just want to quit blogging?  Afraid of revealing myself?  Wondering if anyone is reading and is it worth the trouble?  Just too busy? Too lazy? Who cares? What's my motivation?  Is it Ego? The desire to connect? The hope to help/find commonality? The desire for immortality through my words?  To document this one little part of my life to be discovered by my descendants?  To know I mattered?  

(Give me until next month....I'll run all this through my ever-processing introspective mind, using my tools of discovery and discernment, and get back to you with my answer.  LOL)

At least, that's the view from here...©

Photo Credit:  pixabay.com

WHAT'S NEW?!?

It's not "writer's block" exactly.  It's more like inertia and procrastination.  I have plenty that I could write about, but sitting down to do it seems, well, daunting.  And I realize I have about six readers on a good day, so this also seems an exercise in self-talk a lot of the time.  But for we six...here I am!  (Note:  my 11 y/o granddaughter read the post I wrote awhile back about us pup-sitting for their dog and I was quite delighted!  I'm glad I got to know a family member read one of these blog posts before I die.  I'm putting it in my Will that they get no inheritance until they can prove to our executor that they've read every word of the hard copy books I've created of my blogs for 9 years now...I expect there will be many more books to read before they head to the bank. LOL)

Well, let's see.  Let's do a "Headline News" post version for today, from National to Personal.

POLITICS:  We are still dealing with the ridiculousness of outrageous conspiracy theories from the Right.  Politically, they are still insisting the previous president won the 2020 election and only is it due to illegal voter fraud that President Biden is in the Oval Office. (Unproven, in spite of repeated recounts in all states.) This drivel is spouted constantly by the previous president and his corrupt and "it would be funny if it wasn't so scary" GOP cronies in elected office in the state and U.S. legislatures.  It's tiring and embarrassing to think about what the rest of the world must be thinking about this great Democracy of ours.  Duh. 

Also voter suppression laws are being enacted in multiple states to ensure that voting is very, very hard especially for Democratic leaning people of color and urban areas of Red states.  A new wave of gerrymandering is upon us with the release of new census data showing the rise of people of color as percentage of our U.S. population.  (The Republicans really do know they lost, so they are cheating best they can to make sure that never happens again!) The For the People Act to counter this is being held up in the US Senate because two recalcitrant Democrats believe they can get bipartisan support for compromised Voting Rights bills and will not suspend the filibuster rules to pass the legislation.  This is especially galling.  Let the GOP use their racially-motivated cruelty to block democracy-ensuring laws, but geez, it's annoying to have Dems joining them with some Quixotic quest for bipartisanship that will NEVER happen!

COVID:  Things have gotten very, very bad...again.  Speaking of stubborn.  A large swath of the population still REFUSES to get vaccinated for all kinds of ridiculous reasons -- chips are being implanted, "you can't make me" personal freedom screeds, impotence and infertility misinformation, human genetic manipulation conspiracies, and just political Us vs Them-ism as the Right will not do anything to please the Left/Educated Elites/Deep State manipulators even if it kills them, which it is. It is beyond infuriating since now ALL OF US ARE AT RISK AGAIN!  

The Delta Variant of Covid 19 is running rampant amongst the unvaccinated and hospitals in some areas are at the breaking point, unable to admit anymore patients for Covid or anything else requiring ICU care (like your run-of-the-mill heart attack, stroke, accident, etc).  Mississippi has called in help from the Feds, which is rich since that state and plenty of others with a big crisis on their hands have been among the most resistant to taking any action to stem the tide of Covid (no masks, no distancing, no vaccs).  All of this is resulting in spikes of cases among the unvaccinated that now threaten we vaccinated folks as well, as Delta seems to be perfectly capable of also infecting us, even if we don't get as sick or die.  We still can pass it on, say, to vulnerable immunocompromised folks or kids under 12 who cannot get the vaccine.  So we are back to mask mandates and distancing in public.  Damn!

CLIMATE:  It's smoke season.  August is our hottest and driest month here and for several years now it's also our smokiest.  Wildfires throughout the western U.S. and Canada burn for weeks, acre upon acre, creating a smoke cover that, depending on which way the wind blows, blankets us in yellow eye-watering, throat-clearing, hacking and coughing smog for days on end.  We monitor air quality apps on our phones and heed warnings to stay inside, windows closed to avoid breathing the particulate matter toxic brew into our lungs.  It was 88 degrees in our bedroom when we went to bed last night after a day of 90-degree heat and no windows or doors to open.  We had floor and ceiling fans going but mostly they just blew hot air at us.  The air purifiers were working overtime inside, but outside our patio table showed evidence of "dust" collecting rapidly as invisible debris fell from the sky. We hope for relief in a couple of days as cooler, wetter weather comes in from the ocean.

MARRIAGE:  On a happier note, Hub and I celebrated our 49th wedding anniversary in July.  We went to a waterfront resort we love about an hour north of us and did lots of walking, talking, sightseeing, and kayaking.  We had a great time!  A couple weeks later we took a camping trip, together!, to Mt. Rainier. (I have not gone camping with Hub for 4 years for many reasons, but I decided it was time to get back on that horse. LOL) We hiked for three days in a row covering 30 some miles.  Blue skies, beautiful scenery, comfy camper.  

We talked about how we want to acknowledge and celebrate our 50th next year and I declared I will NOT consent to a "corsage and sheet cake reception" in some church basement or rented community room at the park district.  Not my style.  So, I hit upon this idea and Hub enthusiastically agreed:  We are going to create "anniversary-designated events" that will happen periodically (as the spirit moves) over the next 18 months -- the rest of 2021 and all of 2022.  These events will have some meaning to us -- revisting places, people, and activities that we have loved over the years of our lives together.  Because why not really celebrate?!?  

We met when we were 17 and 18; we are now 70 and 71.  There have been numerous times one would have thought we'd never last. But we did and not with gritted teeth (much) but with hope and work and determination and respect and love.  It has never been effortless, even up to this day.  But it has been wondrous in how we've gone through so many changes in our individual lives and have still managed to keep our marriage together and grow far beyond our wildest imaginings.  We are closer and happier now than ever.  We are proud of this.  So, let's party!  For a year and a half! 

YOGA BIZ:  I'll end with this.  I don't think I've blogged about teaching yoga.  Two years ago I completed my 200 hr yoga teacher training, never really thinking I'd teach, but just to deepen my own practice.  Lo and behold, last November I started leading a 30 minute meditation and gentle upper body movement session for Zoom friends monthly.  Then in January I started teaching this group an hour-long weekly yoga class also via Zoom.  We've taken the summer off, which has allowed me time to truly dive into this endeavor.  I've obtained a business license, come up with a name, created a logo, taken classes in various teaching modalities, and am ready to come back in September to a group of students who seem to like what I offer, which is "yoga for the physically hesitant"; for those who say "I can't do yoga"; for those who are new to it; who have limited mobility; who need a gentle, mostly seated practice with no getting down on the floor if they don't want to. There's lots of meditation and calming breathing thrown into the mix, as well as positive encouragement and personal attention.  I'm excited and grateful for this chance to share the benefits of a yoga practice, especially for those who say they "can't".  Yes, you can! 

At least, that's the view from here...©

Photo Credit: pixabay.com

FALL WARNING! BIFOCALS ARE DEADLY!

 

Since last November I have been teaching yoga via Zoom to a group of about a dozen women I've known for years.  Attendance varies, but many are very faithful to our weekly class.  When I started to teach I asked what they'd like to focus on....they said, "knees", "hips", "balance".  Can you guess we are an older group?  But at any age, keeping every part of the body strong, flexible, and in balance serves us well.  

(Mandatory teaching moment: Of course, yoga isn't really about the body.  It's about calming the fluctuations of the mind.  The ancient yogis addressed the body as a way to get the body in shape and keep it healthy and strong (and not distracting) so one could sit in meditation with ease.  Here in the West yoga has become just another physical exercise to try, like Zumba or Jazzercise.  That's not the purpose of yoga, but OK, a healthy, stronger body is a "perk" of the practice.)  

Each week I lead us through an asana practice (the poses) to help us get stronger, more flexible, and more balanced.  For older folks in particular this triad is essential to helping us stay independent.  One fall can be the end of living independently should a severe injury result.  And as we get older, for many reasons, falls are more common.  

Actually, ask me about falls.  

One year, heading up the escalator at the Hawaiian resort where we'd been staying I was trying to wrestle my suitcase onto the tread, with a heavy backpack on my back and a purse slung across my chest.  The suitcase slipped and twirled in front of me, tripping me as the stairway took off upward and somehow, by some miracle, in spite of what had to be a comical (to others) dance of avoiding disaster, I righted myself and did not tumble down the upward moving staircase.  I credited the muscle memory of balance in my yoga practice.  

Also one night, some years ago,  I took a careless slide down our flight of wooden stairs at home in my socks.  Duh!  I was in a hurry with my mind in ten different places and took one step, sock to slick wood, and down I went....All. The. Way. Down. 14 steps.  I was VERY fortunate I didn't seriously injure myself as my right buttock/hip hit each step before I landed in a heap at the bottom of the stairs.  All I ended up with was a big bruise and sore knee.  I credited yoga for allowing me to tumble with injury-saving flexibility.

Then on our maiden trip to Great Britain two years ago I tripped over Hadrian's Wall in England -- or at least a chunk of the ruins that are little more than rocks in a field.  Down I went, but bounced right back up, again feeling my yoga practice kept me from splaying down face-first.  Also on that vacation I tripped over a shallow single step-up at the entrance of a pub in Inverness, Scotland and down I went, just to my knees (thankfully), but embarrassingly so.  (One would think most people fall OUT of the bar.)

Given my experiences, you might assume my yoga students will start to doubt me touting our practice as being beneficial to staying upright.  But I have begun to see a pattern that is causing my falling down habit.  I'm always looking down in these instances, to ensure I don't fall!  But my bifocals create a sense of "flatness" where I lose the 3-D depth perception so essential to seeing clearly the obstacle at my feet!

This happened again yesterday.  We were at the waterfront with our 6-year-old granddaughter where she was searching for "crystal rocks".  (There are none, of course.  Wrong geology, but whatever.)  I had head down, desperately trying to spy anything I could pass off to her as a "crystal" and tripped over a protruding chunk of breakwater rock and boom!  Down I went on hands and knees in the rocks, coming up with a classic "kid injury" of a scraped hand and knee, skin pulled away and slightly bleeding.  I started laughing about this silly injury and said I'd need a Barbie bandaid.  But this was also the moment I realized -- IT'S THE BIFOCALS AGAIN!

When I go for my annual physical I guess I'll have to confess a fall this year, but I'll know it's not my strength, flexibility, or balance causing the issue -- it's my glasses!  Does that count?  Well, I fear it does.  Bifocals are also an older age thing, so they present the same hazard as a throw rug or an electrical cord stretched across the floor, or clutter in the path to the bathroom -- all those things they warn us about.

But I'm still crediting my yoga practice for being able to take these falls and still come up swinging!  Fingers crossed that strength, flexibility, and the ability to right myself back into balance, even during a fall, is benefitting me.  I think it could be worse.  

I'm also wondering if I should go back to having reading glasses instead of the two-fer of a bifocal...  

At least that's the view from here...©

Photo Credit: www.pixabay.com

SNOW DAZE

It started snowing on February 3rd.  I think we had three dumps in a row.  It's been only 10 days, but feels like forever.  Well, "forever" in a Pacific Northwest lowlands kind of way, where snow is rare and when it does accumulate (maybe about 3 inches max) it lasts like three days.  But here we are on February 13th and we've officially recorded 20.2 inches of snow this month -- the most since the whopper Blizzard of 1916 when 35.4 inches blanketed the region.  (We also had a few days last week of not breaking 32 degrees -- unheard of!)

As I write at this moment there's still about 10 inches of snow in our yard, even after yesterday's partial melt.  And now I hear the familiar and oddly sweet sound of rain coming down on my roof.  That's gonna make a mess of heavy, wet snow and slush to push off our long, steep driveway!

Rain is what it's supposed to be doing in the winter in the PNW.  I complain about it a fair amount.  Dark, gloomy, wet ... but I'm glad for it now.  The snow has been utterly beautiful; also treacherous and disruptive.  Kids are on Day 5 of No School.  Businesses and governmental offices have been closed.  Performances, church services, and social events have been cancelled.  Cars have crashed, semis jack-knifed (one setting free a load of live chickens on the interstate!), mountain passes closed, stranding travelers in their cars overnight.  A major pass over the Cascades got 5 feet of snow in 48 hours, causing the interstate to be impassible due to just too much snow to remove in a timely manner and the danger of avalanches, which were happening regularly higher up and threatening the highway.

I spent a tense few days wondering how I was going to make it back and forth to my weekend Yoga Teacher Training in a town 12 miles east of where I live.  We go for three hours on Thursday night, then 8 hours each on Friday and Saturday, and 8-1/2 hours on Sunday.  It's not a residential training; we commute, some only a few blocks and some up to 30 miles.  I fretted and stewed about this mostly because of the hill where we live and my long forgotten "skills" with snow and ice driving.  Sure I grew up in northern Illinois and dug myself out of plenty of snowbanks, but this weather is the reason we left there.  And I've been away from all that since 1980.  Plus, Illinois is flat; western Washington not so much; icy hills everywhere and not nearly enough snowplows.  I was a Nervous Nelly.

I was hoping it would be cancelled, like every single other thing scheduled over this past weekend.  But NO!  Yoginis are intrepid!  All agreed to forge ahead.  A dear friend, my teacher, trainer, and Yoga blog "boss" who owns the studio where I practice and is co-sponsor of the teacher training, took pity on me and offered me her guest room for the duration.  No commute!

But the best part is that she lives in an historical old Catholic church that she and her partner have renovated over the past 20+ years.  The sanctuary has become an art and performance space, as well as our teacher training location.  The rest of the building is their home.  Both are artists and it was like staying in a place of supreme comfort, wonder, and healing.  Everywhere the eye landed was a new place of quiet beauty. I was also surrounded by caring people, lively conversation, much laughter, piles of pasta and rich dark chocolate. Just what I needed since I'd been plunged into the black hole of depression just prior to the training.  Plus, yoga...the very practice is balm to mind, body, and spirit.

So, I more than survived the weekend.  I left the training exhausted from the focused attention I have to give to the teaching, but no longer depressed.  And I came home to a blissfully empty house (Hub gone on another snowboarding adventure) which also helped center and ground me back into my life.

It did keep snowing and I took dozens of photos and posted them to FB as did others.  This was a novel event for us and I think beauty and novelty need to be documented.  I mostly have stayed indoors, only going out to feed my birds and shovel a path for our mail carrier of 30 years.  (I also left him a thank you note and packets of hot chocolate, because for some there are no snow days.)

I expect the Seattle Snowpocalypse Snowmageddon will melt away in the coming week or so.  But the meme and T-shirt business will remind us of what we all lived through.  And just like good Seattleites, we will return to the familiar drip, drip, drip of winter, sipping our lattes, and telling tales of survival.

At least, that's the view from here...©

JANUARY MISH MASH

Well. Happy New Year!  Yes, I'm a bit late with that greeting.  If January is any indication, 2019 will rocket by at lightening speed.  I may get two or three blog posts written, but don't hold your breath.  The days disappear in a cloud of good intentions.  Here's what's up:

NEW YEAR'S EVE: Hub and I used to throw big New Year's Eve parties.  A raucous racket would emanate from our upper porch as noise makers and cheers of 20-30 jubilant souls joined the fireworks on the horizon to greet the new year with friends and family.  This year the two of us huddled together quietly, kissed another year out and new one in, and watched the Space Needle fireworks on TV.  Ho Hum Perfect.

BUM KNEE:  Then Hub left on a 2-week Idaho snowboarding vacation.  Well, almost two weeks.  All went well the first week, but the second was a struggle as his bone-on-bone knee (and nearly as bad shoulder) finally, after years of nursing it along with cortisone injections, gave out.  He limped home three days early, sad, sore, and resigned to the fact that this is the year for a new knee.  He knows this is the end of his most joyful obsession -- screaming down Double Diamond Black Runs plowing through the glades of fresh powder with wild abandon.  The new knee will get him back on the mountain, but it won't hold up to the challenges he's enjoyed for the past 20 or so years.  (He didn't even take up snow sports until he was 45 years old!)  He'll be a "groomer" guy, which for him is a far distant second choice to his preferred boarding experience.  The past week has been a daily marathon of research and phone calls and setting up appointments for seeing knee replacement surgeons.  Onward.

FLIP THAT HOUSE: Son One and our DIL bought a new house.  Well, not brand new.  Old, actually.  A little fixer-upper.  Son One decided to use the slow season of the painting business to take the risk of diving into something he's wanted to do for a long time -- flip houses.   I was immediately nervous, being of the worry-wart persuasion.  I "what-if'd" the decision to death, but I'm learning again that my cautious nature isn't shared by all and seeing his excitement, determination, and happiness are worth a little sleeplessness on my part.  It's not my problem, none of it!  He's all grown up and my role is to cheerlead him on.  I'm so proud of all he's accomplished in less than a month.  Plus, BIG BONUS!  The house is right here in our neighborhood.  I can see it from my upstairs porch!  I take him Starbucks mochas and check in on the progress a couple times a week.  Hub has assisted with hanging doors and making dump runs to haul away the demo debris.  We are having fun feeling part of Son One's work life and he seems to enjoy our support and company.  So many unanticipated rewards from this endeavor so far.

WEDDING BELLS: Son Two and his fiancé are full-steam ahead with wedding planning.  Engaged in October, they initially said there was "no hurry".  But once a date was set (May 2020) things clicked into high gear as the wedding machine fired up.  They are planning a big, traditional (by today's millennial standards) wedding and that means booking a venue over a year in advance, beginning to go to catering "tastings", thinking about photographers, flowers, cakes, DJs, hotel room blocks for out of town guests, wedding gowns, etc etc etc etc.  I am not a fan of the hoopla that has become the modern wedding and I am appalled at the expense.  I have not been quiet about this opinion, but I was taken down a notch by my son who sat me down just last night and told me to knock it off.  They'd just had the same conversation with his finance's parents, who feel similarly to Hub and me. (We hosted a brunch for the combined families last Sunday, while the 'in-laws' were in town from California.)  It's a delicate dance, to try to counsel "the kids" to reign it in, but also to want them to have the day they want.  We parents don't hold all the purse strings, so really, it's none of our business.  I just have an opinion -- that I will now keep to myself.  Again, my job is to cheerlead my adult son, just like I am doing for his brother.  Plus, it will be a hell of a party and really all I have to do is show up.

ART STUDIO: We've seen a lot of the grand girls lately too.  Our eldest at 9 has grown frustrated with her little almost 4 year old sister for getting into all her things and "messing everything up".  She's very organized and likes to keep her art supplies, especially, organized.  They share space at home and here in the "Girls Room", a bedroom  I converted for them as a play space.  But I understand that at her age, she wants a room of her own.  So, Hub and I cleared out a nook in our lower level that had become a messy catch-all storage area.  It is now our gal's "Studio" and her sister doesn't even know it exists because she's afraid to go down to the dark lower level!  Sneaky, perhaps, but big sis is delighted and we had such fun together shopping and setting it all up.  Today, a school friend is coming over for a playdate and they are thrilled to be able to hang out in the Studio.

SWEETNESS: Little Sis was here was us earlier this week too.  She spent the majority of the time "cleaning" my kitchen sink and countertop, going through about half the bottle of my new lemon-scented hand soap in the process, as well as creating a few floods.  Well worth it, I say, to see her so happily engaged in "helping" grandma.  We also talked and laughed and sang songs and danced; had snacks and drew pictures.  At one point she stopped in mid-activity looked at me and said, "I just love coming to Grandma and Papa's house!"  Be still my heart.

STEPPING BACK: I've written about The Tribe previously, our group of 12 friends who gather monthly for socializing and a sharing circle, where we explore who and why we are the way we are and find insight, support, and challenge for growing in introspection and connection.  This group celebrated its 3rd anniversary this month with our annual review of how things are going.  Hub and I have facilitated this group for the whole three years, but announced that we are stepping back from that role now. It was a huge decision to make; many, many conversations and deliberations ensued. Our decision will change the focus and dynamics of the group, I'm sure.  We are excited not to have the responsibility, and a little concerned that the personal growth focus may fade away, which would be hard since that's so important to us.  But we are open to learning from others and experiencing what they will bring to the group.  Change is difficult...and exhilarating.

LECTURE SERIES:  Along with two friends, I'm attending a weekly lecture series at the University of Washington entitled, "How to Beat and American Demagogue".  The lecturer is fabulous -- knowledgeable, motivating, inspiring.  I appreciate the historical perspective of the rise in demagogues over time, how we got here at this point in history, and what we can do about it.  Gearing up for 2020!

YOGA TEACHER TRAINING: The other big event of this month was me starting my 200 hour yoga teacher training.  I've written about this in the yoga blog https://circlingthemat.blogspot.com 
It's a weekend "intensive" consisting of Thursday night, all day Friday, Saturday, and Sunday one weekend a month for 6 months, culminating in a 5 day mountain retreat in July.  Plus, there is homework.  I won't repeat details here (read the yoga blog!), but I will say it has taken up a lot of psychic space if not actual time.  I haven't done homework in like 35 years, nor really had to study an unfamiliar subject in about that long.  I'm hoping this is growing new neurons by leaps and bounds, staving off dementia a little longer.

CATARACT: Speaking of older person issues, I also was diagnosed with a cataract this month.  Vision is cloudy in one eye and night driving more challenging.  Surgery is on the horizon, but not until yoga training is over because the recovery protocol prevents me from bending over!  I've got Downward Facing Dogs to do!

I could have written a detailed blog post about any one of those topics, but the pace of life has been such that these brief summaries will have to do for now.  Hopefully I'll find my writing rhythm soon and be back to more regular postings.  For now, I feel I'm caught in a whirlwind of change -- stressful and joyful change.

At least, that's the view from here....©

TREADMILLS AND TV

I just got home from yoga class.  It's Saturday and I hadn't gone all week.   I almost didn't go again today.  I stared at the kitchen clock, as I sipped my coffee, until the last possible minute before I had to leave to get there on time, trying to  convince myself it was fine to just be "in the moment",  "just breathe", overcome the "worthless energy expended on feeling guilty"...

Then I got my butt in gear and went.  Glad I did, of course.  Lovely, slow asana today with lots of attention to stretching for the low back and sciatic nerve.

I guess the reason I was feeling I could take a "pass" on class today was because I'd already done an early morning 50 minute stint on the treadmill  -- enough time to watch 2 episodes of the recently released Season 2 of "Catastrophe" on Amazon Prime -- a raucously irreverent Amazon Original comedy series about a couple who hook up, get pregnant, get married, have a kid... Now in Season 2 it's like 2-1/2 years later... I won't go on in case you check it out, but I was home alone walking the treadmill with earbuds in, laughing out loud...often!  You may hate the show and judge me for my twisted sense of humor (lots of sex -- sometimes a little too much and over the top even for me -- and swearing and life situations that are hilarious), but so be it.  I am looking for things that make me laugh out loud these days.  Politics isn't doing it for me.

But anyway, the treadmill thing is yet another attempt to discipline myself to get more aerobic movement (I won't say the "E" word) in my day.  My Fitbit dutifully records my steps, but really doesn't care if I'm running up hill or shuffling around the house in my slippers.  Hub got up this morning declaring that he needs to be more physically active (this as he was hustling about to go snowboarding) and has set himself the ungodly goal of a 5-mile brisk walk every day.    I know that is not completely realistic, but I know him too, and if he says it he will to it every day, I know he'll do it most days.

I added up the time it would take me to walk 5 miles.  I walk at a less than "brisk" 20 minutes per mile pace; I could push it, but then I'd hate every minute of it and that would defeat me in short order.  So, we are looking at an hour and 40 minutes to get my 5 miles in.  On yoga days, I'm already committed to a 90 minute yoga class with a 40 minute round trip drive to get there and back.  Pad that with another few minutes on either end for parking, set up, clean up, etc. and Yoga is a 2-1/2 hour commitment that I make most weeks at least twice, ideally three times.  Yoga and a 5 mile walk = almost 4 hours.  I read I'm also supposed to lift weights for 30 minutes three times a week, which I have whittled down to 10 minutes about every three months, but I could kick that up a notch, I suppose.  So if I added in some weight lifting I'm up to 4-1/2 hours, plus meditation of course, for brain and spirit health (let's say 30 minutes) and that's 5+ hours just for exercise and meditation in a day.  (You can check my math on that; I am deficient in that area and had to actually draw little clock faces and pretend my pencil was the hour hand -- I blame 1950's public education system for my woeful arithmetic skills and the humiliation of making me solve problems at the blackboard as part of a competitive team for which I was always the last chosen and the sole reason for many teams losing.  I digress.)

Now subtract 3 days a week care for  a one year old who is not on board with ANY of this personal improvement stuff,  meaning it would have to happen after 5:30 in the evening after a full day of childcare.  Also there is that twice/month volunteer commitment to my old social service agency.   Plus I have an active social life (instrumental for mental health, all the articles say) which gets me out to various breakfast, lunch, and/or coffee dates each week with my gal-pals.   And Hub and I are currently undertaking a big kitchen update project with requires meeting with contractors and shopping for granite and sinks and faucets and appliances, etc, etc. on the days we don't have the grandbaby.

The point is, it's very hard to do all this walking, lifting, yoga-ing, meditating, teeth flossing, bill paying, vacuuming, shopping, cooking, gardening, reading, talking, socializing, traveling, Facebooking, blogging, and sleeping in a time frame that makes any sense at all.  No wonder I get overwhelmed and occasionally (often) just grab a book or a magazine and read about what I should be doing instead of actually doing it.  Oh, and I'm also a sedentary person by nature.

Hub really will go for his long walks because he actually enjoys it.  I enjoy the occasional long walk outdoors, but I'm more content on the treadmill where I can read or watch TV to distract me from the effort of what I am doing.  I do fret occasionally that the incline feature on my treadmill is broken, so I can only walk on "flat ground", but then I remind myself that I have a skewed vision of altitude challenges.  People who don't live in Western Washington have flat-land as their natural terrain.  I should know; I grew up in Northern Illinois where a big hill was a topographical anomaly.  At my house now there is nowhere I can venture outside my front door that is flat.  It's all up and down -- either hard on the knees or or the calves and takes me to an anaerobic state just to get gratefully home again.  But if I don't struggle, I feel like I'm cheating.  May need to work on that with my therapist.

I know I need to step up my game to ensure a healthy longer life and I've been meaning to do that for about 30 years.  It's starting to be (ok, past) time to get serious.   So I'm beginning (again) with baby steps into this thing.  I will never, ever be able to keep up with Hub.  It takes most of my energy just to get my ugly walking shoes on, so 5 miles is out of my range and beyond my attention span.

I'm gonna do it by TV episodes.  Starting out with two episodes of Catastrophe most days of the week until I get through Season 2.  Then on to Transparent, which I only managed to see for half of the first season.  I also have Mozart in the Jungle on my "to watch" list. (UPDATE:  Its' GREAT!).  Outlander, Season 2 starts tonight and I will do a bit of weight lifting, sort of like a drinking game, every time Jamie says "aye" in that sexy Scottish brogue.  See?  All of these TV shows actually make me want to get moving!

Whatever works.

At least, that's the view from here...©

A NEW BLOG!

Trumpet Fanfare!  I'm writing a new blog for Yoga Circle Studio, called Circling the Mat.  We went "live" today.

I'm pretty psyched about this great opportunity to share my infinite wisdom about all things Yoga.  I realize this is a practice of many thousands of years in the making -- that's why it is so exciting for me to have mastered it in only five years!

It could be, of course, that I was asked to write this new blog based on my many missteps, stumbles, and topple-overs in class and that hearing from one mere mortal plodding along the yoga path may give others encouragement.  "Wow, I'm not as bad at this as she is!"

Whatever…I'm just happy for the gig and for the challenge of writing on basically one topic -- one that I love -- and I still get to tell my own story about it.

So, if you want to check it out, go here:  www.circlingthemat.blogspot.com

Maybe you'll be inspired to join a class.  Maybe you'll learn something about the ancient art and practice of yoga.  Maybe it will just make you laugh.

At least, that's the view from here…. ©

YOGA DIALECTIC

I forgot.  But now I remember.  After a two week hiatus from my regular Yoga practice, I was back in class today and struggling through even relatively simple poses.  I was stiff, sore, and weak.  Atrophy is swift and sure, my friends.  Fortunately, our bodies are resilient and easily coaxed to health again unless we've let it all go for months … or years.  And even then, with patience and self-acceptance, we slowly build to a place of inner and outer strength...

That's the stuff I WANT to say to myself.  The mantra that REALLY went through my head today was:  "Damn it, Donna!  Why didn't you find a Yoga studio in New York?  I bet they have them there!  At the very least why didn't you just plop down in that groovy "Mad Men" apartment and do a few downward facing dogs on your own?  Reading 10% Happier (a funny and inspiring book by ABC Nightline anchor Dan Harris about discovering meditation) is NOT the same thing as meditating!  And then, last week when sweet grand-daughterAngel was with you every day why didn't you keep up the morning Yoga and meditation "demo" you tried at the beginning of the week with her?  Just because she was squirmy and impatient didn't make her any different from YOU, now did it?"

Yes, I berated myself today.  I counted breaths and endured poses.  I scolded my sore wrists and punished my tight hamstrings.  I listened to Karen, my amazing Yoga instructor, remind us to be gentle, to be accepting of our bodies, and realized I prefer to accept my strong, supple body rather than this stiff old thing that showed up at class today.   Big, bad, goofy Ego even started to look around the room and compare!  Bad! Bad!  I was reminded of this little poem I wrote many years ago when I first started Yoga practice.

YOGA DIALECTIC

Walk through the door,

Say hello,

Remove shoes & socks

Unfurl mat, 

Pause

Notice feeling

Sit

Seek quiet

Breathe

Notice

The space around my breath

The pause between my thoughts

Delicious moments of stillness

We begin…..

A signal to monkey mind 

to swing gaily from branch to branch:

Ahhh…this feels great.

Wait…this is hard…

I can’t do this….

She’s better than me….

Even he’s more limber…

Am I doing this right?...

Just breathe…

I’m better than her….

I hate this….

I feel fat….

My wrist hurts…

Oh good this one’s easy…

I’m thirsty….

I feel like crying…

What time is it?...

Do I feel strong?

Exhausted…

Light…

Lie down

Let it go

Resting in shavasana

Notice

Space around my breath

A pause between my thoughts

Delicious moments of emptiness

The unexpected moment of loving 

my perfect imperfect self.

Namaste.
************************************

I forgot, but now I remember.  Breathe.  Begin again.  Smile.
At least, that's the view from here… ©

ACCEPTANCE, RELEASE, AND SURRENDER

I had a tough time at Yoga today.  No, it wasn't Shoulder Stand Day, or Headstand Day, Stay in Plank for an Hour Day, or doing that crazy Half Moon pose I wrote about previously (1/2/14 post)…

Mostly we just lay there today, not doing much of anything except practicing "acceptance, release, and surrender".  Like I said, tough stuff.

I'm sure there are some who love these "restorative" classes.  I'm not generally one of them.  For some reason the less I am called upon to do, the harder it is.  I have a hard time finding comfort and ease in these poses of relaxation.  My head sort of hurts from resting it on the floor, my back sort of hurts from draping myself back over a bolster, my hips sort of hurt from putting the soles of my feet together, knees bent, splayed on the floor in Supine Goddess pose or Supported Frog pose.

Give me a class where I am challenged to be strong, to be in perfect alignment, to find my "edge", to balance on one toe… something to DO!  This hit me about 2/3 of the way through the class today because I realized I'd been impatient for the first 30 minutes, which was restorative, then relieved and happy for next 30 minutes of more active flow poses, and rather grumpy at the start of the last 30 minutes of more restorative poses.

But, when my always wise and funny teacher continued repeating the "acceptance, release, surrender" mantra as she guided us in the last simple, restorative poses, I suddenly felt tears sting my eyes.  I thought about all the things in my life that I describe as "work" -- I "work" on a draft of a poem, I do "yard work" and "housework" and I "work" on my relationships.  I do personal growth "work" and committee "work".  I "work out".   Before I retired, I used to get up every morning and "go to work".  Can you relate?

When we describe almost every aspect of our lives as "work", no wonder it's a little hard to get to release.  No wonder acceptance feels like giving up.  No wonder surrender sounds like defeat.

As is always true, even the simplest lessons can be hard won.  Breathing helps.  Awareness helps.  The "a-ha" moment, when it comes, is its own feeling of release -- release from the bonds of habit into the wisdom of self-knowledge and the ability to change what no longer serves.

I'm going to focus on changing my language, seeing where I can replace the word "work" with some other word that describes the activity in a positive way -- the word "create" comes to mind.  To me being creative means being in the flow of something larger than myself that I can only access through surrendering my Ego to the moment, to the greatest good, to the unknown.  In that moment, space is opened to be restored to health, vitality, and grace.

Again, Yoga is my teacher.

At least, that's the view from here…. ©

HALF MOON FALLING

Isn't this beautiful?  This is Ardha Chandrasana (Half Moon Pose).  It looks deceptively easy.  To do it this beautifully, however, requires strength, balance and perfect alignment…. as well as a flattish rock and a lovely moonrise ocean view.

I always say a silent mantra/prayer before stepping on my mat, asking for my Higher Power (haha…my finger just slipped and I typed "Higher Poser"!!!) to be with me, to let go of Ego, to be Present with only my own practice in that moment of that day.   It works.  I am always present, or can get back to presence fairly easily.  That doesn't mean I don't smile and laugh during class -- for laughter is certainly part of my practice.

So, maybe it was the setting that interfered with my pulling this asana off to perfection in Yoga class last week.  After all, it was mid-morning, no moon in sight and miles from the shoreline.  Actually, I've done this pose before -- at the wall, with props, without.  It's always a challenge, but usually doable.  So, maybe it was because last Friday's class was rather emotionally-laden, since it was the last session with us for one of our sweet regular teachers before her year-long sabbatical; we were all sort of weepy and happy and sad.  Maybe I got distracted by trying to "please" her. Half Moon Pose is a favorite of hers.

Whatever was going on, I moved into the pose on one side, with a bit of help on my alignment, and felt pretty awesome!  Then I switched to the other side, and, and, and…..

Came crashing down.  I fell out of the pose, tried to catch myself, and realized I was on the floor sort of rolling in a ball of protruding limbs toward a classmate.  It all happened so fast…

This was my mind not remaining calm:

"Oh shit!"
"I'm gonna knock Sue over!"
 (Flash to image of a domino-effect knock down of every Yogi on my side of the room.)
"I'm not hurt."
"For toppling, I'm pretty graceful."
"That sucked."
"That was hilarious."

I looked sort of like this,  maybe, just before the tumble.  Note contrast in alignment from photo above:

Our teacher asked if I was OK.  I answered that I was.  She wondered aloud what it felt like to fall out of my pose.  (Teaching moment!)

I replied, that I was immediately aware that I was not going to get hurt and hoped I wouldn't hurt anyone else.  And then I said the very next thing that popped into my mind:

"It reminded me of how hard it is to find balance in my everyday life.  It reminded me again that Yoga is just like life."

And that's why I love my practice.  Boom!  Yoga is JUST LIKE LIFE!  It's a place to be just as I am; a place to push just a bit to the edge of my limit; to try and sometimes not succeed; to try and then to back off; to try again and again, or not.  Sometimes it's a place to rest and bask in ease.  It's a place of support and encouragement and sometimes a celebration of euphoric accomplishment.  It's also a place of practicing gentle forgiveness and acceptance when I strive and cling, rather than just "be".

Yoga is the teacher.  The student just needs to show up.

At least, that's the view from here…. ©

(Ready to try?)  http://www.yogajournal.com/basics/2327

THUMBTOEARASANA

I recently got a nice little "Thank You" email from the Yoga studio where I practice, congratulating me on my anniversary with them.  I'm not sure which anniversary this is, but I'm guessing I've been going there fairly regularly for about 3 years.  Time is weird though; it could be 4...or 5?

Anyway, Yoga has become a regular part of my life.  I love it.  At least the Yoga I do at that studio with my favorite teachers.  It is a nice combination of ease and challenge, which is as it should be.  We move from one posture (asana) to the next in an easy transition that is slow and well-defined.  We hold some poses longer than others.  Sometimes we do a Kudalini-style where we more more quickly.  Sometimes there is a "flow", as in doing Sun Salutations, which takes one from standing to stomach and back to standing through various flowing movements.

Yoga for me is a meditation.  I don't think too much about the "exercise" aspect of it, which I think is a very unfortunate Western definition of the practice.  It is not meant to be a "butt-blaster" routine... although who doesn't want that pert little "yoga butt"???

I say a silent mantra before stepping on my mat, making a commitment to mindfulness for the next hour and fifteen minutes.  I pay attention to my breathing, my thoughts, my body.  I try not to compete with the other students.  I try to find my "edge" -- that sweet spot where optimum effort is expended, but there is no undue stress or strain and certainly no pain.  I try to be aware of alignment.

Sometimes I watch a brand new student and recall my first tries at Yoga.  I HATED IT!  I was in terrible shape and had no muscle strength and poor balance.  I was overweight and hated my body.  Yoga, I thought, was for the skinny, "jock" girls with no boobs and unnaturally flexible joints.  In fact, they probably had some congenital defect which allowed them to move into those pretzel-y shapes that no normal human could possibly attain.  Any pose that required me to put any weight at all on my arms or wrists ended in collapse.  And shame.  And anger.

And then, at a retreat with my long-time women's group, one of my 'sisters' led us in an early morning Yoga routine that was actually do-able!  She was funny and encouraging, plus I already loved and trusted her,  and was surrounded by other women who knew my deepest vulnerabilities already, so what did I have to lose?  And giving up all that Ego allowed me to just be with what was.  What was, was fun!  And I wanted more.

So that's when I joined the aforementioned Yoga studio.  Now, occasionally, I feel really competent.  Whoa!  Look at me!  I know how to do this and I do it well!  Oh, yeah, easy breezy!  Downward dog, cobra, eagle, pigeon -- I OWN those poses!  (Sort of...)

So, the other day I was doing some sort of twist (my favorite!) and reaching one arm overhead or ... I don't know... something...and realized when I went to move out of the pose that my thumb ring had become entwined with my fancy loopy earring and I was attached, thumb to earlobe, and could not untangle myself!

I had a moment of panic as I tried hard to disengage ring and earring, surreptitiously of course, and finally had to yank on my earring (bending it in the process) while simultaneously trying to remove my  ring, which seemed to be stuck on my fat thumb and would not budge, but by then I was ready to rip my thumb off if need be....

Finally it all just fell away; the earring lay in a bent mess on the floor, along with my thumb ring, still entwined.  And I moved on to sphinx pose, glancing around to see if anyone had witnessed my plight.  It didn't seem so...and then, suddenly, I just started giggling.

Thank you, Ego, for the smack down, this time appropriately.  Yoga is a practice of acceptance and I accept that sometimes I'm a Yoga-dork, even when I think I'm "all that".

At least, that's the view from here...©

Check us out:  www.yogacirclestudio.com

THE TWINS

My dear friend, Introvert, is dancing a jig this morning.  Her twin, Hedonist, knows this is going to be a good day!  Because their alter-ego, Ivy, has done it again -- scheduled herself into a frantic need to be alone and comforted.  Ahhh......

She...OK... I have been blessed with activities and experiences that I consciously chose to do, so any complaint feels selfishly unappreciative.   But any introvert knows it doesn't matter if life is "good"; when it's time to be alone and drifting, the need is so strong it almost hurts.

August started with a 3 day visit by cousins we had not seen in over 20 years.  We were hosts and tour guides until they left on the next leg of their summer journey through the west.  (We had a great time with them,  gently navigating around topics of politics and religion).  In the following 2 weeks Hub and I attended to lots of home projects (sense of accomplishment), went to two Ecstatic dances (oh, such joy!), planned and went on a camping trip (nature's beauty astounds), saw a concert (love me some Blues!), went to a Buddhist teaching event (perhaps more on that another time), attended a two-day personal growth workshop (shared with friends, so meaningful in that way, but not so hot in other ways), and had another overnight visit by the cousins at the tail end of their trip (fun, but I was fading....).  They left this mid-morning.  I believe they still had the back wheels of their rental car at the bottom of the driveway when I opened the little package of Oreo cookies they left here and scooped some ice cream into a bowl and indulged a need for comfort food, uncaring about calories or carbs.

Hub is working today, something he does occasionally in his semi-but-mostly-retired life.  It's good timing since even he won't be here and the house is blissfully mine, alone.  So, my plan for today is to talk to no one. To pet my dog and hold my cat.  To watch TV.  To crochet.  To write.  To read.  To meditate.  To cook a simple dinner.  To not watch the clock or make a plan or go anywhere or do anything that doesn't happen in slow motion time.  To be quiet.

It used to feel self-indulgent to allow myself days like this.  I've learned that it is not self-indulgent to know my mental health is a priority and to do what I need to do to re-charge.

The twins, Introvert and Hedonist, will finish the big afghan today, let all calls go into voice mail, catch up on old Daily Shows, maybe take a nap.  Tomorrow and into the rest of this week I will do more of the same, along with a Yoga class or two, until I feel ready again for life's many blessings of community, experience, and abundance to unfold.  Slowly.

At least, that's the view from here...©