THE LAST DAY

 I've intended to write more often this month.  Well....good intentions and reality are different animals, right?  But here I am, on the last day of December, the last day of 2023, sitting down in a reflective mood.  

I have a well-documented love/hate relationship with the holidays.  This year is no exception.  I am so over it today.  But looking back on the season, which for me starts on Thanksgiving, I have much to feel grateful for; mostly, seeing so much of my family.  I have been sad that over the past few years (since the Covid Times) that we see each other less frequently than we used to. Covid kept us apart, and lives changed in other ways that I didn't predict. I've tried various strategies to reach out, keep in touch, encourage texts, etc between visits, but it's been met with somewhat less than enthusiastic response.  Adult children and growing grandchildren have other priorities.  I know.  I did too at their ages.  I just thought the "Magic Mom/Grandma" Seeds I planted would make it different for me.  Ha Ha  Nope.  

But when the holidays come 'round, so does everyone else.  Our family love grows in full flower over the holidays.  We gathered for Thanksgiving. A day later we all went to the Christmas Tree Farm together.  A week later most of us were able to attend  one of Granddaughter One's volleyball games (Hub and I went twice/weekly for several weeks -- so much fun to see her play) and out for pizza afterwards to celebrate Son Two's birthday.  Hub and I went to Granddaughter One's school choir Winter concert.  The next day, DIL Aunt and granddaughters met here to make Krumkaka -- passing on a Norwegian tradition from my family and Aunt's.  A little over a week after that all came over to celebrate my birthday (Hello #73!).  Then it was Christmas Eve together with Son One and his family (Son Two and DIL went to California for Christmas with her family.)  Christmas Day Son One and family were back here for more festivities.   Over Christmas break from school, Hub took 8-1/2 y/o Granddaughter Two snowboarding (a season pass and lessons was her big Christmas gift).  I got to spend a day with 14 y/o Granddaughter One going shopping -- and being fully immersed in the consumer life of an early teen. (She spent hours in Bath and Body Works and Old Navy!)  Son Two and DIL got home and we all gathered again for a second Christmas, the whole family together, yesterday.  Many hugs, much laughter, food, games -- sort of Hallmark-y, actually. I treasure all these together times and know that there will be a bit of a dry spell now when I won't see or hear from them so much.  But Granddaughter Two's BD is coming in late February...

So all in all, a good holiday season, amidst my angst about buying paltry gifts this year, barely decorating, letting others bring a lot of the food, getting tired of logistics at times, and lately just wanting all the red and green to go back in the attic.  

I realize that, like with so much else in 2023, I've let go. I've let go of what I used to do to create Christmas and I just let it unfold with lots of help, a quieter presence, a little less stress.  I've been doing this for a few years and even more this year.  It's different and fine, I think.

Tonight Son One and DIL are hosting a big New Year's Eve party.  Son Two and DIL are heading to good friends' house a ways away to celebrate and spend the night.  Hub and I are staying home, pup-sitting the nervous dog who will NOT be pleased with a houseful of revelers at his home.  I will make some zero-proof drinks for us.  Hub will likely pour a beer or a glass of wine for himself also.  We will eat leftovers from yesterday's family get together.  We might watch a movie.  I will try to stay awake until midnight.  If not, Hub will wake me to watch the official Seattle countdown from the Space Needle on TV.  We will head up to our upper floor covered porch, taking in the lights of the city and watching the informal fireworks going off around us.  We will toast the new year, share a kiss, marvel that this will be our 54th NYE together (including dating) and collapse into bed.  I don't feel I'm missing anything at all with this plan.  It is perfect, as it's been for several years now, to stay home and be quiet.  

At least, that's the view from here...© 

Photo Credit:  Daniel Kim/Seattle Times/2021 (New Years at the Space Needle)

GOODBYE 2021

Well, it's almost a wrap.  Tonight we say goodbye to 2021, then hello to 2022.  New Year's Eve is always bittersweet for me.  Being a documentarian and a sentimental nostalgic, I tend to pause, reflect, review, and feel the sweet sadness of the passage time... of people, events, activities, and connections.  When I try to look forward all I feel is curious.  OK, a bit excited.  I assume good things lie ahead, theoretically, even though I can tend toward worry and pessimism on any given day as I come face to face with reality. Ah, life. Complexity abounds. 

I'm looking back at the year and noting the challenges:  a re-emergence of relationship issues with Hub to revisit and find clarity; still somewhat refraining from many familiar activities; still not seeing my family as often as I'd like; rarely seeing friends and noting the toll that has taken on the closeness I loved and largely lost in some cases; losing my writing Muse for weeks on end; a bit of depression.

I also look back at the joys: the "sobriety party" Hub and my kids had for me; my granddaughters growing into such fine, funny, smart, and lovable people; at least more family time than the year before; rare friendship that is unwavering; some trips and travels; losing 15 lbs with a commitment to healthy eating and lots of walking; starting my yoga teaching business; and deepening my relationship with Hub in spite of the challenges, which in fact are growth opportunities, painful at times, and deeply meaningful too. 

I think I can take these joys and build upon them in the new year.  I know Hub and I are defining our marriage in a new way through all our trials. I plan to continue to nurture a recovery from the Covid isolation our family endured last year which created distance that lingered into this year.  I have 5 more pounds to lose and more muscle to build.  I'll expand my yoga biz.  Hopefully I'll find friendship again in familiar and new ways.  

I know I'll continue to look inward for answers to who I am and why and how I can be a more caring, authentic, engaged, grateful, and happy "me" as I grow older.  I turned 71 mid-month.  I don't even know what that means.  I don't feel old, nor young either. I am just this "now" of myself.  I'm grateful for my health, mobility, curiosity, determination, confidence, and strength.  I see all of those as assets.  Some say at times I tend to express them with judgment and self-righteousness.  That makes me sad and I am working on it; not always successfully, yet trying.  But my voice, at this age, will no longer be silenced either, even if others are uncomfortable hearing it.  

So, bring it on '22.  I'm ready.

At least, that's the view from here....©

Photo Credit: www.pixabay.com