A LONG, STRANGE TRIP

I'm writing this on Monday from sunny Kauai.  We fly home Friday after 17 days here.  This weather map is from home.  Naturally.

This has been a strange April trip for our annual Kauai vacation.  We arrived on April 10 to clouds and "chilly" winds which continued for the first week we were here.  Torrential, record-breaking rain hit parts of the island (thankfully not so much where we are); mostly up on the North Shore around Hanalei.  Nearly 30 inches of rain in 24 hours.  Massive flooding and landslides; it was declared an official Disaster Area, with evacuations and National Guard and Red Cross presence.  Roads are still closed up there and predicted to be for another two weeks.  I love Hanalei and feel so sad and sorry for the people there.

The worst we endured was me driving us in a torrent on our way home from a visit to Kauai Coffee and Kauai Brewing southwest of where we are staying.  Traffic was backed up for miles as rivers of mud and rain flowed down hillsides and along the roadsides; a downed tree blocked one lane.

Given the inclement weather, we didn't feel like going anywhere so for several days we just hunkered down here in our long sleeves and hung out at the beach a bit and in the room a lot. Hub worked on the Men's Retreat program he's leading for our old church and I read.  And read.  And read.

Hub was also stymied from taking his new Stand Up Paddle Board out after giving it a go for the first few cloudy days.  Once the torrent hit, there was a Brown Water Alert to stay out of standing water, rivers, ponds, and ocean areas fed by rivers or streams -- as our Kalapaki Bay is.  You could see the brown water throughout the bay -- a toxic slew of runoff from pastures, overflowing cesspools and septics, toxic goo from wherever toxic goo accumulates.  YUK!  It's the first time in 20 years we haven't seen anyone, tourists or locals, in the water here.

Also, as I noted in my previous post, the pool here has been freezing (for me and others) cold.  Broken heater and no sun for solar warming.  It's improving by now, so hoping for a few days of pool time before we head home on Friday.

Hub goes for his morning walks, I come here to the Terrace or sit on our room balcony to scroll FB and write, and often go on a walk around the grounds here through the gardens and along the beach.  Then we have papaya, mango, apple bananas for breakfast and head for our beach chairs.  Hub takes the paddle board out several times throughout the day.  I read.  And read.  And read.

Here's the thing.  I'm both a bit tired of my familiar surroundings this trip, and also completely content to just stay here instead of going to other places on the island, that are also very familiar, just to be going somewhere.  It is absolutely lovely here and I have everything I need and want.  So, I'm not sure where this antsy, restless, inertia is coming from.  I'm wondering if we need to choose a different vacation next year, and then I feel sad to think we might not come back.  Ambivalence reigns within me.

But the good news is that the sun has returned!  The past two days have been spectacular and I'm back to chasing shade all day and slathering on more and more sunscreen to keep my dermatologist happy.  The breezes are gentle and refreshing and the rain comes only during the nights -- as it should.

Just the same, I'm starting to think about home and eager to get my garden planted, check on my spring blooming azaleas and rhodies, see the new views after the across the street neighbors had some trees taken down....so I checked the weather report from home and found the temps will plummet 20 degrees just as we arrive and rain will return to what has already been a very soggy spring.  I'll wish I was back here.

I'd better get crackin' on my gratitude practice.  I'm too busy wanting something other than what I have -- a sure sign of something agitating for change within me.  I wonder what's coming?

At least, that's the view from here...©

TROUBLE IN PARADISE

Hmmm....is one allowed to be melancholy in Paradise?  I don't think so, and yet...here I am.

Day Three of the annual Kauai vacation and it's yet to be sunny for more than 10 minutes at a time.  At least the mist and drizzle and showers held off today.  It was cloudy and muggy.  I had so looked forward to a respite from the Northwest gloom here -- radiant sunshine, cooling dips in the pool, gentle breezes under the palms.  Mostly it feels silly to slather on the sunscreen, pull my lounge chair under a sheltering ironwood to keep the rain mostly off me, just to read a book.  I went in the pool yesterday and the water took my breath for a minute. Not refreshing...more like frigid.  But I'm a total cool water wimp.  Get that temp up to 80 something and I'm happy.

On top of that, or perhaps because I have nothing else to distract me, I'm noticing I'm not young anymore.  I don't mind being not young.  I like being older.  But I've been gobsmacked with some realities that are unsettling.  I wrote last month about my annoyance that all aches and pains are attributed to age at a certain point in time.  I also acknowledged that the cumulative effect of one thing after another is rather tiresome -- and worrisome.

I've still got that foot thing going on.  Plantar Fasciitis.  Oddly, my heel doesn't hurt that much when I am walking, but hours later when I'm just sitting around watching the TV, my heel area goes into full freak out mode with a regular painful throb and the occasional breathtaking stab of pain as if someone has taken a shiv to my foot.  Yowl!  Last night I resorted to extra meds just so I could sleep.

Hub is beyond frustrated with my non-compliance around his prescription of what seems to me to be excessive amounts of Aleve and Tylenol, but which he assures me is the therapeutic dose.  Maybe so, but I'm convinced I'll have kidney failure by morning with all that in my system.  This is an ongoing problem for us.  I know he's a doctor; I know he knows what he's talking about.  I love when he can diagnose and give advice to our friends.  I'm proud of him and his knowledge.  But when it comes to me, I just see that 17 year old brainiac quarterback I dated in high school who mostly was trying to, well, you know...."get to know me better".

But he is a real doc and today when I showed  him a "weird thing going on" with my range of motion in my left leg, he actually grew concerned, did a quick exam and declared I should get a hip x-ray.  WTH?  I don't know what to make of that, but sure, I guess.  Why not?  My eyes blur when I read,  my knee is crunchy, my tinnitus seems worse, my foot throbs...let's throw in some hip issue too.     THIS is the part of growing older I don't like --- the piling on of physical woes and the tiresome need to attend to it all with remedies that fix one thing while causing some malfunction elsewhere.

Also, I believe I've run out of time to be beautiful.  I see women on the beach -- in their 30's, 40's, 50's -- tanned and toned, lovely features, great hair, rockin' bods.  I try to be objective, but I know that was never me and never will be.  I was skinny once, but lily white and covered in freckles (still white and freckled and blotched and bulged).   I was heavier for awhile... and I've been creeping up there again.  I feel fine until I see myself while passing the hall of mirrors leading to the exit to the beach (cruel mirror placement),  then I get startled by how far afield my fantasy of me is from the reality.  Today as I lay back on my chaise, I thought I'd do a quick selfie.  OMG!  All I could see was jowls, double chins, and ponderous breasts!

Well, I'm sure all of this negative self-assessment will pass with the clearing of the clouds.  It's hard to look out at the slate gray skies reflected in the slate gray waters of the Pacific and not wonder if staying home fully clothed might have been the better choice.  Aloha.

At least that's the view from here...

P.S.  Upon re-reading, I get that this is a very whiny post.  Grousing about clouds in Hawaii?  Whining about an achy foot?  Jealously eyeing women and like a 16 y/o thinking I'm not as pretty?  Oh well...this blog is me, warts and all.  (NO!  I don't really have any warts!) ©

THE HONESTY OF CHILDREN: A LESSON

I don't write much about my granddaughters.  It's not that I'm not a typical proud, smitten grandma; it's just that when grandparents go on and on and on and on....well, it's like back in the day when my dad used to get the slide projector out to once again show pictures of that trip to Colorado in the Chevy -- it gets old after awhile to sit through the narration.

But today I am moved to write about the girls because I miss them (they are out of town on a family vacation this week) and because I had an "a-ha" from each of them at Easter brunch.

Our youngest is 3 years old now.  Already.  Yes, the time has flown by.  I looked back at the post I did when she was born.  It seems like yesterday.  We cared for her 3 days a week for the first year and a half of her life, then 2 days a week for another year.  Then she moved into full time childcare/preschool.  It was both a relief and a grief.  Those intense 10 hour days of childcare bonded us and exhausted us.  But regardless of how easy or challenging the days, she was a fact of life for Hub and me and we will always cherish that time of getting to know her, to love her, to give her all of our attention and care while she was with us from infancy through toddlerhood.

Her older sister is now 8 years old and there is a huge difference between 7 and 8, I realize.  Suddenly she seems to be already on the cusp  of those "tween years" in some ways.  She's a math whiz, loves art, loves her gymnastics class, has joined a Brownie troop, has lots of friends, listens to modern pop music, and has a pretty sophisticated sense of humor.  And she's also still a little girl in many ways.  She loves to come to our house and hang out with us -- it's finding time for her in our/her busy life to arrange that which can be challenging.  I try to appreciate every single minute with her because  in a blink of an eye her friends will be more important than her family and hanging out with grandma will take a backseat.

Watching the girls grow up is the same as when I watched my sons grow up.  It's a bittersweet experience.

So here are the lessons I learned "out of the mouths of babes" at Easter dinner.  Plates were full and first bites being taken, when the youngest took a bite of her cheesy egg loaf and declared "I don't like it," and put her portion on her mother's plate, before diving into her fruit salad.   We all sort of chuckled, but I also marveled.  How many times have you politely suffered through eating something you really didn't like?  Wouldn't be refreshing to just say, "I'm sorry; I don't care for this dish; guess it doesn't work with my palate, but I'd love to double up on salad!"  Wouldn't it be great if that honesty was accepted and not taken in offense?

Later, as we complemented my daughter-in-law for her fresh and tasty fruit salad,  our 8 y/o granddaughter quietly said, "I helped make it."  She sits next to me and I think I'm the only one who heard her,  so I thanked her for helping.  Conversation continued about the salad, when she said a little louder, "I washed all the fruit!"  And a couple others at the table thanked her.  Then she announced, "Nobody is thanking me for helping!"  Her dad pointed out that, yes, we did thank her, to which she replied, "But not Grandpa, or _____ or ______", calling out those she had not heard from.   They immediately thanked her, of course, as her parents admonished her for this moment of egotism.  But again, like with her sister's honesty, I was rather proud of her.  She didn't feel adequately recognized for her contribution.  Wouldn't it be nice if it was OK to ask for what we need emotionally?  To say, "I'm really needing some recognition right now; will you give me some kudos for how hard I've worked...for my contribution?"

Naturally we adults will socialize the abruptness out of both of the girls; it's part of learning and growing and operating in polite society, which is important.  But I hope we never socialize them to squelch their voices. I hope we don't teach them to just go along; to make them feel their needs are unimportant.  Giving voice to what's true for them just might result in adults who are honest; who know how to politely and assertively ask for what they need; to avoid resentments.  Wouldn't it be nice to communicate honestly and effectively and really be heard?

I think so.

At least, that's the view from here...©