SOBER: FEELING THE FEELINGS

 I said to Hub during one of our marathon introspective conversations the other day, "I'm happy to be me."  

WTH?  I could hardly believe those words came from my lips.  I can be incredibly NOT happy to be me.  I tend to default to negativity and take long, sad dives into all my shortcomings.  "Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, (think I'll go eat worms)" is often my view of myself and my lot in life.   But something is shifting.  Something quiet, but big.  I've said my Covid year (plus) has been one of great insight, some inner struggle, much grief, slow awakening, and lately, dare I say, joy?  OK.  Joy is still a big concept for me, but contentment, growing equanimity, some semblance of acceptance seems to be accurate.

I celebrated ten years of sobriety at the end of July.  I had my last glass of Chardonnay on July 30, 2011 after a health scare that my doc assured me had nothing to do with drinking alcohol.  But what did she know?  Was her name on the Web MD article?  Did she treat all the people on the "chat space"  I visited who told their own tales of a similar situation and recommended eschewing alcohol?  No.  So I decided I would quit drinking.  And I did.

I discovered that it was easy physically, so I must not have had a physical addiction to alcohol, even though I was a daily user.  ("Is it 5:00 yet?!?")  It wasn't even that hard emotionally/psychologically because the fear of exacerbating the health issue far outweighed the desire for a glass of wine.  Still...there were many times that I could have caved.  

It's hard to be a non-drinker in a drinking culture. People were confused.  I felt left out of the many, many discussions of the finer bouquets of various wines and the apparently vast differences in IPAs.  I stopped being invited to Margarita Mondays. But every day without alcohol became another day I added to my sobriety chain and I didn't want to mess that up.  And before long, I didn't even think about it or want it and in fact started to find the whole drinking thing silly and unnecessary in general.  And I looked back at times I'd drunk too much and felt ashamed of my behavior.  I think I definitely had a problem with alcohol and am grateful that quitting was relatively easy.

I started to wonder more often what other people saw in it. I didn't find drunk stories funny anymore.  Or "high" stories either.  In my age group there is still much giggling about using marjiuana even though there are legal pot shops on nearly every corner now.  I'm told it helps with pain. I get that it does have pain-relieving properties and I also know that for some pain is an excuse to get high or at least a sought after side benefit.  I've been told it helps relaxation, helps relieve stress, helps one see the world anew in a deeper way.  OK.  But I still wonder why altering one's consciousness with any substance is a thing sought after, when life is a path difficult enough and interesting enough to be best traveled with full faculties intact, it seems to me.  (Plus, people, when you are drunk or high you are not funny or clever or cute...Yeah, I know, I thought I was too.  I was wrong.)

Anyway, what is coming at me over and over and over in my personal growth path are messages of sobriety.  My work with neuro-plasticity, with yoga, with Buddhist teaching all point out that the "addiction" to feeling good is a denial of life as it is.  My yoga mentor and my therapist have both told me that being with the 'Is-ness' of life and feeling it fully in the body is the way forward from emotional and psychological pain.  

Stressed?  FEEL IT!  Consider how life is organized that causes the stress.  Can it be changed?  Is there a different way to find peace?

Sad?  FEEL IT!  Consider self-compassion and the normalcy of feeling sad when grief arises for whatever reason.  Cry if ya gotta.  

Angry/Frustrated?  FEEL IT! What lies beneath the anger and how can you reframe, find compassion, let go?  Pound a pillow if ya wanna.

Afraid?  FEEL IT! And consider if the wolf is really at the door or is it just ruminating thoughts of 'what if' that keep the fear present.  Breathe and rest the "flight/fight/freeze" response with long exhales.

Physical pain? FEEL IT! How bad is it?  How big is it?  Can you shift attention away from it? Can it be relieved through means other than self-medication?   

Happy?  FEEL IT!  Fully take in the joyfulness, the love, the gratitude, the excitement of the moment.  Take in the sights, sounds, faces, and beauty that are filling you with happiness.

I think back on my drinking days and see how I covered all those emotions with a desire to escape them on some level, or enhance them on another, rather than fully feel them and DO SOMETHING about them, with my mind clear.  I did not want to truly sit in the place of discomfort, did not realize that all emotions are temporary.  They come and go like waves.  More substances won't keep the bad times at bay, nor keep the good times rolling.  All will end eventually, ebbing and flowing.  Reaching for a "feel good" reprieve won't change that; it'll just reinforce the reaching.

I'm happy to be me because I more deeply know myself every day, more deeply accept myself, more assuredly set boundaries and find more peace within myself.  AND last week I still had a bout of "poor me" that put me in a state of tears and self-loathing.  But a conversation with Hub (who reminded me to be more fully me when I lost my way for a bit), helped me find relief after an hour -- not weeks, months, or years.  I found my way back because of the clarity I've learned to appreciate and use to my advantage, not clouded by a false sense of "OK-ness" that is artificial.

I'll end with the happiest moment of my summer -- maybe of the past year or more.  On the 10th anniversary of my no alcohol decision, Hub organized a surprise alcohol-free Family Brunch.  My sons and their families brought me gifts to mark the occasion -- fixings for fancy mocktails, hot chocolate mix, organic tea, flavored sodas.  It was so thoughtful of Hub and the kids.  I loved the recognition and inclusion, since so many of our gatherings seem to involve trying new wines and craft beers.  In fact it's rare to go to any social gathering anywhere that doesn't include alcohol.  It was my turn and they all happily joined me in not drinking.  

I felt seen, appreciated, loved.  And I took it all in with a clear head and a grateful heart.  Life!  You just never know what lessons await.  I'm happy to be me, living mine, eager to see what's next.

At least that's the view from here...©

RESTING

The Muse is on vacation. I have no energy for....much.  I'm intimately familiar with burn-out.  Hello.  I see you.  I feel you.  

Here's the thing.  The Truth.  ALL of my energy is going into recovery, resilience, re-defining, re-making, re-ordering my life.  I turned 70 in December.  Some shift is happening..."something's happening here; but what it is ain't exactly clear..." (Those my age will recognize this song lyric.)

I recall in my 50's and early 60's I had the motto: "There is no time left to waste", so I went on a "public-ing" binge of no longer hiding and postponing the things I wanted to do that I'd long put off or talked myself out of, thinking I was not capable enough to pull any of it off.  

I wrote and did "performance poetry" publicly at Open Mics.  I contributed to a chapbook of original poems with a group of women poets. I organized and facilitated a monthly Ecstatic Dance (meditative movement) experience attended by about 20 people.  I organized and facilitated a support and sharing group for women over 60 (WISE: Women Investigating, Supporting and Experiencing) as we moved into an age where many women become invisible.  I wanted us to be examples, not of the stereotypical "elderly" but of the vital and energetic version of what it means to grow older with so much to contribute: smashing cultural stereotypes.  I was in leadership at my Unitarian Universalist church, as a regular Worship Associate, on committees, MC'ing special events.  I attended women's personal growth experiential weekends and the follow up growth groups that changed my life.  I started taking yoga classes.  I learned to meditate.  I struggled through getting boys through high school and college and a mother through independent living, assisted living, and home care as her dementia progressed until her death.  I also worked full time.  And did all the other life stuff people do.  It was a time of tremendous energy output and tremendous reward.

I think of all of that fondly and know I do not want to repeat the frantic pace of those years.  But lately I wonder what my life is about.  I feel directionless and rudderless.  Plus, shit's been hard.

My political assumptions about our country and my naive innocence about people doing what's right took a huge hit with the defeat of Hillary Clinton and the victory of a Republican president and party that resembles nothing like Democracy.  For over 4 years I felt abused and betrayed.  The heart sickness, the mental shocks, the physical responses to all of it, as well as the non-stop calls to action and activism took a toll.  By the time he was defeated, although he is still claiming he won, I was just relieved and burned out.  These days I've become one of those I have always denigrated -- vaguely aware of what's happening, but not engaged; not devouring news 24/7, not taking any meaningful actions, not interested in engaging in long diatribes or discussions of policy or politics.  I almost have an aversion -- I just watch Rachel Maddow and occasionally skim my news feed without the ability to read more than a paragraph or so before I feel agitated enough to click out of the story.  I cannot tolerate the intolerable anymore.  I think I'll get my mojo back, eventually, because if anything inspires me to care it's voting rights issues, so that may be where I'm headed, but not now, not today.

While delicate to write about and without any desire to reveal intimate details, for the past two years Hub and I have struggled with some marital issues that have consumed me...and us.  It has been a time of tremendous pain for me.  We recognized the need to attend to long-standing patterns of being in relationship together.  We've made a commitment to deeper understanding and acceptance of the ways in which we are very different.  One would think all of this would have been worked out years ago.  But ages and stages of development, and how people just naturally change over time, bring different challenges and this age and stage feels like a transition born of crisis into a new and healthier way of being together.  At times we feel like honeymooners, having gotten past the initial "thing", but underlying that there is still much work to do.  (It's never just one thing and often it's not even the "thing" but the "why" behind it.)  Why one person decides to do something and how the other reacts to that doing requires examination.  To our credit, we are (no hyperbole, it's true) excellent at talking things through.  We have huge individual and collective toolboxes of personal growth and communication tools and know how to use them.  We have spent hours and hours and hours sitting in our living room chairs telling honest truths to each other, revealing our deepest thoughts and feelings, fighting, crying, giving up, starting again, and holding the hope that this will all make us stronger.  Lately I think it will.  I am so grateful for our shared perseverance and willingness to be vulnerable as a means to an end we both want.  I have found my voice and my strength of conviction, setting boundaries, and honoring my values.  He has looked inside and found areas he wants to work on as well.  We both think the future holds great promise and we are excited about sharing it together.  But Jesus, it's been so hard, so draining, so sad... and so important.  

And then a year ago along came the Covid-19. Besides the fear of catching the thing, came the difficult realization that I felt so alone with my adult children seemingly unable or unwilling to be as attentive as I'd hoped.  They rarely reached out to check in, rarely answered my own reaching out to them with much more than a few words in response.  I felt I'd completely lost one of my DIL's as her work in health care consumed her.  I know they love me, but still, I had to learn hard, hard lessons about letting go.  They were consumed by their own lives, busy, and stressful. I grieved mightily that my dream of a close connection to my family was not to be.  At least not the way I had defined it.  So, I worked and worked and worked on finding out more about why connection was so important to me. And I figured it out and went on to working on how to heal that wound within myself.  (Fodder for another post.)  

So, all of this has left me in a state of numb exhaustion for several weeks.  I've neglected friends, have been unable to write or read much, or even laugh enough.  I've been reclusive with no social energy to expend.  I truly feel like I'm recovering from an intensely emotionally demanding and draining few years of concurrent challenges that converged to overcome my sense of safety -- which is a HUGE challenge for me.  Feeling safe and connected are my core needs and these have been thwarted.  I have to come up with a new definition of safety and connection and to find those things within myself, not relying on others to supply me this life-saving emotional oxygen.  

So, yeah, it's hard and from it all I have grown so much, learned so much, feel hopeful and determined.  But I need to retire to my sofa, with my mandala coloring books and watercolor pens, my crocheting, and my TV for a while longer.  I need quiet walks, daily meditation, and regular yoga practice.  I need a few close friends, occasional family gatherings (thank you Covid vaccinations!), and more time to figure out what's next for me, because I do not know.  But I do know I'll be a different me when I emerge.

At least, that's the view from here...© 

JUDGE NOT

My new year is not starting out so super great.

Right off the bat, Hub left for nearly 2 weeks on a snowboarding trip.  He came back with a painful knee that he could no longer ignore.  I wrote about that in January.  Since then he's been almost full time making various medical appointments with specialists to address knee, foot, and shoulder issues.  Looks like Job #1 is a total knee replacement in the spring.  Always an athlete who is in great shape and who still wants to take on all manner of physical challenges with skill and confidence, he initially felt sidelined and despondent.  But now with a plan in place, he's moving forward, so that's good, but I'm still worried about all of it because that's what I do.

His absence was a challenge for me, given my wee anxiety disorder.  I don't like being home alone.  But instead of fretting and lamenting, I tried a different tack.  I pretended he didn't exist.  What if there was NO alternative to me being home alone?!  Voila!  No resentment.  I had to just put on my big girl panties and live my own independent, single lady life.  I called to mind all my strong, capable, live-alone woman friends... and you have no idea how much you all helped me!  I also did a daily check-in with a BFF, and felt loved and safe in her knowing all was OK with me and if she didn't hear from me, she knew to send in the militia.  What would we do without our women friends?  No idea.

So pretending he didn't exist got me through the weeks, but made it a difficult adjustment when he got back....hmmm.  Glitch in the plan.  I empathize with military wives who miss their man when deployed, learn to get on without him, then find there is a big adjustment to be made when he returns.  So, yeah, that was a thing.

Then I seemed to run into a buzzsaw of unintended pissing people off.  I also mentioned in my January post that Son Two and his fiancé had had enough of my judgmental side comments about big weddings with big price tags and my "joking" advice that they just elope.  When he sat me down with the 'knock it off' request, I knew he was right.  I recalled when I overstepped a couple times with my advice to Son One and my DIL too.

And then Hub and I had a significant disagreement last week, that has been an ongoing conversation, where my judgements also play a part.  Sometimes I apparently express my opinions like a reformed smoker who thinks those who still smoke should quit too, instead of recognizing that some people still smoke...and that I should just shut up about it.  "This doesn't affect you", he says.

So, given my super strong ego and ability to take in criticism in a healthy, confident, "Gee, thanks" manner, none of this phased me in the least.  NOT!  Naturally I dove into the pit of hell and decided I was the world's worst mother, wife, friend, human being.  Blah Blah Blah.

So, I start February a woman on a mission to be a "no-judgement, "no-comment", "no-advice" zone.  The problem with this is that I find I have very little to say.  I go silent in conversations, rehearsing if my pithy comeback and clever repartee is full of judgement, or if I'm about to say something that is less than kind or charitable or is dismissive or, hell, I don't know...just WRONG.  Given that I apparently am often unaware when I'm being hurtful, it makes it hard to trust my judgement. (Judgment being judged!  Oh, it's all so confusing!)  But I'm trying.  It's an interesting challenge to just observe and offer data-driven feedback.

Here, try this.  At breakfast at a local restaurant, my food wasn't as good as it usually is in this place.  I might have made a joke to my dining partner along the lines of, "Sheesh, the cook must be hungover today.  This omelette sucks."  Then we laughed and told shitty food stories for awhile, starting with how bad a cook I am.  Instead, I guess I should have said, "Guess this omelette is not hitting the spot today."  Data.  No judgement.  Nothing more to say.

Maybe as I get better at this it won't seem so lifeless to me.

I'm pretty sure I haven't actually left a wide swath of hurt feelings in my path of family and friendships.  People seem to like me well enough and appreciate how I behave in the groups I frequent.  I think.  I hope.  But there is always room for improvement and I've been knocked silly by recent events, so I'm all in with trying to rid myself of commentary that may serve some purpose in the moment, but as Hub warned, can also ultimately be isolating if no one can live up to what may be interpreted as my exacting standards, I guess.  Don't want that, so hey, live and let live.  Then I'll decide how much of how you are living I can accept in order to remain in integrity with my own life.  A girl's gotta draw the line somewhere.

At least, that's the view from here...©

Photo Credit: www.pixabay.com

FINDING BALANCE - HOW TO GET THROUGH THIS

A friend recently asked me why my blog posts are so few lately.  I've never been particularly prolific compared to many more disciplined bloggers, but the two blogs I write have seen a downturn lately.  I blame the current president.  That should be an absurd laugh line, but unfortunately it's true.

My world slid off center 18 months ago and I have not yet found a way to right it...or myself.  And most recently I think I was done in completely by the "zero tolerance" immigration policy where this administration used the removal of children from their parents as a deterrent to immigrants enter our country either legally or illegally.  Putting children in fenced in "cages" in detention centers, from infancy through age 17, and in many cases eventually shipping them to far away northern states to live in shelters or in foster homes while in hundreds of cases their parents were deported without them, well....  Government sponsored kidnapping sort of tipped me over.  The cruelty never ends with this guy.  My frantic attempts to take action have kicked into a higher gear.

My writing has been of the letter, email, FAX, postcard variety to Congress, Cabinet members, and media outlets.  Every time I sit down to write a blog post, nothing but political issues come to mind.  Every other topic seems frivolous in comparison, so I close the Blogger page and walk away.

I realize I am out of balance.  I realize I've lost touch with essential parts of myself -- my creativity and humor in particular.  Oh, I still laugh, but not as much I don't think.  I have some modicum of creativity on display in my garden and the baby blankets I crochet for the layette program at a local social service agency.  But I've lost a sense of what my life was like "before".  I don't remember that more innocent time anymore or what occupied my thinking and my days.

This weekend, I hope, put me on the healing path to finding myself again.  Among other events that I may write about in other posts, I also signed up for a workshop in my town with John Pavlovitz.  Do you know of him?  He's a liberal Christian pastor (even though once fired from his church since he went public with views some parishioners didn't like), book author, blogger, and media/online hero of the Resistance. https://johnpavlovitz.com

I've read his blog faithfully for over a year.  I've found great resonance and affirmation there.  I've become a Fangirl.  To have the opportunity to hear him speak and to work with him in a small group at a local church was sort of amazing.  He was totally engaging: wise, gentle, smart, articulate, emotionally available, and so funny!

He talked about compassion burnout and how we can work for change and not lose ourselves.  Some of his suggestions:

1.  Engage AND withdraw.  Yes, we must fight and not give up.  And we must take breaks, withdraw into healing and life-affirming practices like creative arts, time in nature, hanging out with friends and family, and just being in silence.  We have to replenish ourselves.

2.  Be engaged in social media.  Yes, he actually said that.  Social media helps us find affinity "tribes", provides information about what's going on, and cultivates hope to see so many similarly engaged and active.  Then he said to get off social media.  Yes, that too.  When we read or hear the same story over and over it compounds what is happening beyond what is real.  It can also be addicting and toxic.  Use it, but with boundaries.

3.  Play.  Cultivate the things in life that make you laugh, that bring you pure enjoyment.  We can have compassion and a passion for activism and still be essentially happy people.

4.  Create.  Follow your muse.  Artists of any genre relate to, interpret, and define the world as it is and as we want it to be.  Use art to vision the future we want to create.

5.  Cultivate gratitude.  Hope is an aspiration for the future.  Gratitude is now, and not dependent upon anything changing.  There is always somethings to be grateful for.  Make a list.

6.  Know who you are not.  The urgency of activism right now creates a "Superman Complex".  Face it.  We are not Superheros.  We are people doing our best.  That's enough.

7.  Share the load.  Don't go it alone.  Find the power of supportive community and act together.  Be a model for activism but know not everyone will follow.  Find your allies.

8.  Take a hope inventory.  What is the vision that propels us?   What keeps us going?  Keep that vision in the forefront as motivation instead of reacting around anger and despair.

Much to contemplate here. I see some I am doing well and others I'm not doing at all.  I see where I'm burned out and why.  I see that being out of balance is only hurting me.  I don't want to hurt me.

This is only one event of the past few days that cracked me open --the others also in ways both lovely and painful.  All of it is fodder for growth....and a few more blog posts.

At least, that's the view from here...©

CROSSROADS

Last weekend Hub and I joined the other 10 friends in a group we affectionately call "The Tribe" at our second annual weekend retreat.  We've been meeting together monthly since February 2016 for socializing, a potluck, and intentional sharing time in Circle, where we sometimes have a topic to explore that allows us to be self-reflective, and sometimes just a time of sharing deeply with each other about what's going on in our lives.  It goes beyond small talk by creating a safe and trusting space to be vulnerable.  Hub and I generally facilitate this since we have done this type of "personal growth" work in our own lives and have some experience facilitating these discussions.  But we also participate fully and gain as much from the time together as anyone.  It's a gift of love that gives back.

We planned a retreat for last year and we all loved it so much, we decided to do it again.  This time we rented a huge and beautiful home in the mountains on the edge of a little town that is very touristy with a Bavarian theme, but is surrounded by natural beauty.  The home sat on the edge of a river lined with trees in full fall regalia.  It looks like a fake photo; it's not.  We were in awe all weekend as all the windows of the communal rooms faced this view.

Our theme this year was "Crossroads" as we explored what our gift might be that we desire to bring forth into the world, but for whatever reason have held ourselves back from realizing.

We identified the "gift" and we studied and had fun with a personality construct called "The Enneagram" which is similar to Myers-Briggs in identifying certain characteristics of personality types.  Then we did a process which Hub masterfully facilitated for 11 people (and me for him), over the course of 5 hours.  To hold space and energy for emotional work that long is exhausting...he was a rock star!  But aside from my pride and awe of his facilitation skill, was the deep appreciation I had for each person stepping into their lives deeply and with great reverence.  As each walked the timeline of their lives, identifying 2-3 significant events, Hub was able to guide them in seeing how their life experiences and their personality types had both shaped their gift and also perhaps held them back from sharing this gift widely.

As each reached the "crossroads" they could take a step forward, recognizing they are already on the path and just need to take the first step into making their gift to world manifest.  Or they could veer left or right, realizing the path they were on needed to detour into a path more suited to their desire.  Every person stepped forward.  All realized they are already living their gift in some ways; they just needed clarity about the next step.

At the end each was given a slip of paper where I'd written the sentence describing their gift and the next step they will take within the next 30 days.  A duplicate of this was drawn anonymously by another Tribe member to hold that person "in the light" until we meet again and reveal who had been their Champion for the month.

Creating this experience was work, fun, interesting, and enlightening for Hub and me.  It was based on something Hub has done with his men's groups over the years, but was new to me.  I added the identifying the gift part (through a guided visualization) and the Enneagram stuff and we are delighted at the result.  Everyone seemed to gain from the experience.

This work of the heart and soul has always been important to me, and more so as I grow older.  Too often we assume we've done everything there is to do; "can't teach an old dog new tricks"; "it's too late to change direction" or to follow that heart-dream we've always had.  This limiting belief system is so detrimental to our psyche!  In growing older there is still room for growing.  

As for me?  My Gift Statement is "I find creative ways to connect and communicate with others to inspire and empower them to live confidently and boldly."  It's always a bit grandiose to state a gift or life mission in such confident terms, but looking at my adult life, I see this is actually exactly what I love to do.  I've done it in so many ways, successfully and less so, and it continues to be my passion.  I think it is especially dear to me because it's a gift I also give to myself.  I too want to empower and inspire ME by being in community with others who value this work as well.

Right now, I'm hoping that I can empower and inspire through my writing.  So my "first baby step" is to commit to sitting down at my computer two days a week with the sole intention of writing...no FB scrolling, no email answering, no newsfeed reading -- just working on a writing project.  My blogs will always be priority and I'm looking at other avenues for writing for connection as well.

What is your gift to the world?  What holds you back?  Are you on the right path or are you at a Crossroads?  Now is the time to take the first step...

At least, that's the view from here...©

DATELINE: SOUTH LAKE TAHOE

DATELINE SOUTH LAKE TAHOE.  Weather Update:  The sun is out, shining down on about 3 feet of newly fallen snow in the Heavenly Ski Resort Village in the past 48 hours.

After driving 2 long days to get here, through stretches of horrifying ice and snow on I-5 from Portland to Cottage Grove, Oregon on Day 1 then through raging winds, pouring rains, and alongside threatening to overrun the highway flood stage rivers on Day 2,  we got here late Sunday afternoon to discover that "Heavenly", the mountain, was closed to snow sports due to power outages and high winds.  And remained closed until this morning.  (Worst storm in a decade!  Yay timing!)  Imagine the mood of my snowboarding-fanatic husband.  Not good.  But to his credit and newfound "mindfulness" and acceptance of the present moment, he did not rant or pout (much) and substituted snowboarding with snowshoeing yesterday and seemed relatively (very relatively) content-ish.  But this morning, he was out the door with high hopes and it looks like he might be having a great day up there in the powder.  I hope so.

As for me, my vacation week is much as I expected it to be regardless of snow conditions.  I brought my snowshoes along, but that was just an "idea" more than a plan.  He went out in a blizzard yesterday, and admitted he was happy I didn't go.  He was rather miserable on his return trek along the lakeshore as the wind blew pellets of wet snow in his face.  He came back soaked!  He knew I'd have hated it.  So, I've been hanging out in our sweet cozy condo with my computer, my books and magazines, a fridge full of food, and my coloring books.  I am sort of compulsively addicted to coloring right now.  I got two new books for Christmas and a new 100 pack of watercolor brush pens.  That's MY idea of Heavenly!  They also offer yoga here at the resort.  I'm all set.

We've explored the Village here and I was left feeling a bit disappointed at the limited number of little shops close by -- I expected more diversity.   Lots of ski gear and clothing shops, tons of restaurants, a couple of coffee places (yes, Starbucks, of course), a real estate office, a donut shop...and one cute little boutique called "What a Girl Wants" (they were right) where I bought two overpriced shirts (one for yoga and one lightweight hoodie) that are super cute!

We wandered over the state line (we are currently in California -- a block away is Nevada) to Harrah's Casino, a behemoth of a drab gray reflective building that looks a bit like a high security prison with its no window aesthetic.  Of course that's to confuse the gamblers into losing track of time passing...hours, days, weeks.  We are not casino people.  We walked in and saw all the slots (that don't even spit out money anymore!), roulette tables,  21 tables and the sad looking people staring like zombies at the games, smelled the stale cigarette odor, used the restroom, walked to the next closest exit, and left.  Casinos are soul-deadening places, in my judgement.  Vegas has a certain attraction because it's so iconic and it has a vibrancy with lots of shows and people-watching, but as a rule, the actual casino part of Vegas is also sort of awful.  Haven't been there in many years; no desire to go.  So, no, the casino wasn't a distraction choice for us while waiting for the mountain to open.

Instead we went to another Marriott sales presentation and bought some more Destination Points.  That's their thing now instead of "timeshare".  You buy points and "spend" them on various vacation options -- resorts, airfare, guided tours, hotels, luxury home rentals,  cruises, "experiences" like the Kentucky Derby, Grand Prix, etc.  Of course we had NO intention of buying anything, but we'd been talking about taking one of the European River cruises and spending some time in the British Isles.  (HaHa!!! I say this like a seasoned traveler.  We've never left the North American Continent!)  And we have an idea of doing a family vacation with our adult children and grandchildren.  We have many ideas for modest (by some standards), comfortable (by any standard) travel and this will help us realize some of them.  Hub has always wanted to travel more than I, but I'm starting to come around.  A little.  On my own terms.  Will keep you posted.

Vacations do provide one thing, regardless of unexpected snafus.  They get us out of the normal routine.  An unintended consequence of our slowed down trip due to the driving conditions over the weekend was more time in the car together to talk.  We love to either be totally silent in the car, or to talk for hours.  Sunday was talk day.  We did sort of a review of our lives together and talked about what may have happened had we made different choices along the way; what we'd have missed and what we might have gained -- or not.  It was a time of deep sharing and reflection and helped us both know ourselves and each other better.  We love that kind of thing.  Introspection, teasing out with questions to each other the next layer of thought and feeling about our perceptions, our decisions, our hopes and dreads.  We always end up feeling closer.  And for that, even a trip that is less than perfectly meeting our expectations is actually an opportunity for growth and connection that would have been lost in the routines of home.  A good thing.

At least, that's the view from here...©

EXCITED. ALSO SICK & TIRED.

First of all….when you put something out to the Universe in a strong and declarative way, it will often come back to you (for good or ill).  In my last post I declared: "I am a writer!"  And guess what?  Within a few days, someone offered to PAY me to write for them.  It will be a new blog about yoga.  Excited!

Other than that, it's been a tough month and I am in a contemplative state of mind.  I always worry a bit that this blog is too close to a personal journal, then I have people tell me how much they can relate to my experiences and it only encourages me to continue in this navel-gazing vein, thinking we really are all in this life together and there may be only a few discreet human experiences, but hundreds of ways to interpret and live them.  So here goes...

I'm back to feeling a vague sense of queasiness a lot of the time.  I feel like it's the first day of a bout with the flu.  Tired, sort of tummy sick, a little head-achy, just want to moan and sit still.  Then it passes and I'm fine….until out of the blue it hits me again.  I spent a year like this not long ago and underwent every test in the book with no diagnosis (but I did lose 25 pounds!).  I don't really want to do this again.  I'm managing, but I'm frustrated and a little scared.  And my level of compassion for people who have real, debilitating, chronic ailments is at an all-time high.  I cannot imagine….

I'm trying to clean up my diet again; I'd gotten lazy and gave in too often to my sweet tooth.  I gained a few pounds and the carb cravings were back.  So maybe that's it.  I don't know; I really don't.  I just feel like whining about it, but that does no one any good and puts out to the Universe exactly what I don't want!  They say, when you are asking for what you want, to be clear and positive; don't say what you don't want:  "I don't want to be sick; I don't want to be sick; I don't want to be sick"…is heard as sick sick sick!  Say instead, "I am strong and healthy; I am strong and healthy; I am strong and healthy"…and health and strength abound!  Worth a try.

Also, I'm in burn-out mode and all of the above may also be the physical manifestation of the mental and emotional toll of my usual habit of over-committing, over-extending, over-scheduling, over-worrying, over-working, overly-perfectionistic tendencies.  Sheesh!  I just can't seem to learn this lesson!  How many times have I been here??? (A lot, I tell ya!)   So, the Ugly Critic Monster has shown up to berate me for being a slacker and unable to keep up the pace, unable to let criticism and conflict roll off my back, unable to just forge ahead like "normal" accomplished and highly functioning people can.   I've taken to the sofa with my TV remote and crocheting.  I have stopped committing to things and am telling everyone I'm on a summer hiatus beginning June 1st.  I am only going to do EXACTLY what I want to do and that will not include any meetings, few social engagements, no obligations.  So there!

When I'm in these sick and tired states I tend to get sad and think about all my regrets and mistakes.  It's a nice wallow, but I get sick and tired of that soon enough as well.  Then I decide to fix me.  Again.

My latest "fix me" fix is re-reading Grain Brain (by David Perlmutter, MD) to get me eating right again (cut the carbs!!!)  And I've just started reading Buddha's Brain (by Rick Hanson, Ph.D.) to get me thinking right.  (It is not lost on me that all this emphasis on "brains" is the opposite of living from the heart -- a goal of mine -- but I'll deconstruct that inconsistency another time.)   Buddha's Brain, at least the first 70 pages, is an enlightening discussion of the evolution of brain development and the biochemistry of feeling states and how we actually reinforce, chemically and neurologically, that which we think and feel.  And, the great part is we can train and re-program ourselves to think and feel better!  We can pursue practices which literally change our brain's response to pain and suffering, anxiety and depression.   So, that seems like a good goal while I'm on hiatus from  eating every sugary treat within 10 miles and being overwhelmed with tasks and depressed about people not appreciating my efforts.  (Poor, poor pitiful me.)

Please (please!) tell me you can relate to this rambling.  Or if not….

I'll be back soon with the always uplifting and simply hilarious tales of another gardening season at IvyWood, which is the name I secretly gave our property many years ago.  It reflects the wooded greenbelt that runs adjacent to where we live and also the absolutely ill-advised decision to plant ivy ground cover over the slope behind our house.  It is generally ill-advised for me to even go outside, actually.  But I'm giving gardening another shot this year; maybe I should write a book about my experiences:  Green Brain.

At least that's the view from here… ©

LIMPS AND SWAGGERS

It's raining.  A good day for cocooning in and being quiet.  I've been busy, busy, busy with home projects and social events.  My dear, sweet, brave, beautiful, hilarious friend from Boulder, Co. just left after a short visit and I miss her already.  Our long talks about life, personal work, and spiritual growth has put me in a contemplative state.

That, and reading a book called "A Year to Live" by Stephen Levine, in preparation for a monthly class I'll be taking with 7 other intrepid seekers over the coming year.  We are going to explore how to live fully in this moment as if we only have a year to live...and to face that end time without fear, whenever it comes.

I read this morning in Chapter 5 about the importance of doing both our deep personal psychological work as well as the mindful spiritual work of focused awareness.  Levine says this:  "When one level is fostered to the detriment of the other we develop a psychological limp or a spiritual swagger." Oh, how I have seen (and experienced) both!

For almost 15 years I've done deep personal work based on a Jungian psychology of archetypes and shadows.  I have gone away for a number of weekend experiential "initiations" and "trainings", that are really like intensive counseling sessions.  With skilled, loving leadership and facilitation I have uncovered many psychological keys to understanding my core psychological wounds, what behaviors continue to prevent my full expression of Self, and how to break through barriers and become more fully expressive of my own nature.  My twice monthly women's group continues to support and challenge me in this awareness, keeping me on track and reminded of where I came from and where I'm going.

I could go on and on and you are either right there with me now, or you've already tuned me out.  Suffice to say, I know myself pretty damned well and the whys and hows of my psyche's dance steps.  I still sometimes lose the beat, but more often these days, I get right back in the groove without too much anguish and sometimes with a fair amount of laughter at my 'backsliding' into a less aware state of being in the world.

But for a long while I was so focused on the psychological work, and "healing my wounded Self" that I walked with that psychological limp like a badge of courage, obvious to all.  I AM DOING MY WORK!  I HURT!  That eventually went away and my walk became whole again.   For others, I've seen them move into "wound worship", limping along on a constant path of "healing" that never seems to conclude, always seeking another training or workshop to be the "be all, end all" for their suffering.

And I've seen the opposite -- the spiritual swagger of those (me too, sometimes) who "transcend" the mundane woundedness of the human psyche and move right into assumed higher planes of existence by focusing on a constant "feel good" spiritual high, as if to say, "This incarnation of the human experience is full of pain...let's not go there."  Let's go instead to the Zafu or the mat or the ashram or the temple, church, or mountaintop where I can just be At One With the Cosmos and not have to muck around in figuring out why my earthly life is such a friggin' mess...why I'm lonely, or angry, or afraid a lot of the time.

There is such satisfaction and relief in the ah-ha moment of a psychological breakthrough.  There is such euphoria in spiritual transcendence.  But in my judgement, as Levine says, there is something incomplete in choosing the duality of one or the other.  Integration is key.

As I move more inevitably into my eldering years, with mortality on the horizon and more real, there are times I feel the terror of impending death.  I love this life and what I've made of it.  I want more of it; I am so curious about the future and what the world, and me in it, will be.

Yet, reality is that it is our nature to die.  Gotta do it.  So, the work of this age and stage is to get ready; to fully embrace what this human life has been, is, and will be, and to remove the obstacles to living it freely and without constraint of old patterns, wounds, and inner voices that hold me back and keep me down.  It is also a time to turn inward; yes, to sit in quiet contemplation in those places of calm and to connect with a consciousness greater than I am; to know that whenever the end comes, whatever awaits, I am ready to take that step without fear, with peace, with love.

At least, that's the view from here....©

RIPPLE EFFECT

I get a lot of inspirational posts on my Facebook newsfeed.  Sometimes they make me grumpy.

There is a fine line, I think, between inspired and discouraged.  And I don't need much encouragement to feel discouraged, because the other frequent posts are dire warnings about the earth, our country, city, and neighborhood going to hell in a handbasket.  Our politicians are corrupt, our environment on a warming path to ruin, our food is mostly poison, our neighborhoods riddled with crime, and everybody seems to despair.

So, one would think that the inspirational stuff would uplift.  Yet, often I feel it rings a false note of an oversimplified "Pollyanna" approach to problem solving; or a lament of "everybody does it better than we (the U.S.) do", then trying to encourage an unrealistic sea change in public/private behavior to do better ourselves; or encouragement to just love ourselves into a Nirvana of heaven on earth.  Or look at these cute kittens -- always with the kittens.

I do my fair share of forwarding what I think are important, interesting, funny, or inspiring tidbits too.   I want to inform, educate, and entertain.  But when I do that, what I'm really doing is showing you what's important to me without telling you why.  My son's employer doesn't provide health insurance and he can't afford it on his own; my brother lost his job and medical coverage one month before he was diagnosed with cancer.  I might send you a link to Obamacare, not only because I support it as an important public policy, but because it will help those I love.  Maybe I could just say that.  "I'm posting this because...."

I think the posts I find truly inspirational are not those that are forwarded over and over, but those that are little glimpses into lives being lived to the best of a person's ability, with honesty, integrity, optimism, and humor.  One day at a time.  One person at a time.   I like hearing about how Jim grew his own beans, Sue cares for her elder mother, Jim hosted a fundraiser,  Sue baked an apple pie for a new neighbor, Jim faces cancer with determination, Sue sang a solo at her son's wedding, Jim helped his neighbor build a garage, Sue was at the birth of her granddaughter, Jim missed his putt and made everyone laugh... You get the idea; real stuff.  The stuff of life.

I like knowing that each in my FB family of friends is out there living full-on, making a small and important difference in their worlds, just by trying, by being fully human, by challenging themselves to grow into a more compassionate, abundant Self.  There is a ripple effect.  Show us the pebble you are dropping into the great sea of humanity.  We'll all be inspired.

At least, that's the view from here...©.

I AM WOMAN, WATCH ME CRY

I have done "personal growth" work with great intention for 14 years, since embarking on a particular path of experiential learning which takes place in various weekend "trainings".  In the several I've done, they each in their own way send one essentially on a journey into the dark night of the soul (in a safe and supportive atmosphere), then usher one back again, renewed and awakened in a new way.  This is not as scary and "woo-woo" as it may sound.  But it is intense and it is amazing--  and amazingly loving.

"Personal growth work",  for me and others like me, is to face with great fortitude the inner demons, psychological shadows, and psychic barriers to living a life of unfolding self-awareness, emotional strength, and intimate connection.  It's a journey for sure, and  I figure I'll be on this path right up to the ultimate personal growth moment of heading for that proverbial white light in the distance.

So, anyway, about the crying...one of things I've learned is that tears are normal and essential to healing.  Tears of grief, joy, confusion, anger... it's all good.  But, wow, are we uncomfortable around people who cry!   And many of us are uncomfortable being criers as well.

Here are two examples from my own life, recently, but typical of what I observe over and over.  A few weeks ago, I attended a workshop where people stood to speak, mostly to express thanks.  Occasionally someone would be moved to tears and apologize for it.  They were obviously embarrassed, and expressed,  "I will try not to cry" or "I'm sorry I'm crying".  What's up with that?  What could be more beautiful than a heart so full of love and gratitude that tears spring forth?

The other thing which happens all the time is for those observing someone crying to try to comfort them.  I see this with women especially, who can barely contain the care-taking urge, and leap right in at the first hint of a misty eye with an arm about the shoulder and a tissue offered.

Well, consider this question:  Who's uncomfortable?  The woman crying or the woman observing it?  Is it her own discomfort with that emotion making the "helper" want to stop it?  Because when you proffer that Kleenex you are saying, in essence, "Oh, dear.  Here, let me help you clean up that tear-stained, snotty face and help you pull yourself together."  Or when you offer an arm about the shoulder you are saying, in essence, "You need me to support you; this is obviously not something you can do alone."

I don't think these are conscious thoughts.  The conscious thought is more likely, "Poor thing. Let me help, comfort, make better."  It's a compassionate impulse, yet one of 'power over' sometimes, which often creates even greater embarrassment for the woman experiencing the emotion.  Now she gets to feel slightly childlike and pathetic too, so she quickly tries to shut it all down to save others from discomfort.

I suggest it is just as compassionate to allow a woman to stand in her own power.  To allow her to own her own feelings, no matter how painful.  To honor her 'work' by allowing her tears to fall when they come (they do come for a reason -- to serve a deep emotional need), and to set aside one's own discomfort while compassionately observing another's painful (or maybe even joyful!) moment.

In my women's circle we have a norm, after all these many years largely unspoken:  "I'll ask for what I want."  The Kleenex box is within reach; I can get to it myself if I need a tissue.  I can choke out "I need support" if I want a woman to sit close and put her arm around me.  Or, I can choose to stay in whatever emotional distress I need to, sobbing and snotting it out to completion while my sisters hold me in their strong embrace of silent witness.

I'm just offering this perspective as an alternative to jumping in with the sympathetic urge to comfort.  I can cry and still be strong.  I can ask for what I want.  I am woman, watch me cry, and if that makes you squirm, well, that's about you, not me.

At least, that's the view from here...©


Interested in this type of work? I've experienced both of these and more:
http://www.womanwithin.org/#!wwtw/c13ub
http://www.womeninpowerprogram.com/description.html

SCHEDULING SANITY

I use "old school" month-at-a-glance calendars; have for years.  And I keep the old ones in a file drawer.  They are a "diary" of sorts of the "busyness" of my life.  (The only one I've lost track of in the 25 years I've kept them is the one which documented the milestones of Son-Two's first year of life...I was sleep-deprived, a bit depressed part of the time, and completely overwhelmed by a 2 year old and a newborn...so losing that calendar, while a little tragic in terms of documentation, is also understandable). 

What I notice, when I glance through them on occasion, is that for most of those years I scheduled myself crazy.  Literally, perhaps, since in 1996 there were weekly "therapist" entries for several months.  I remember the depression, the overwhelming feelings of worthlessness, the near constant crying. Well, not constant exactly, because I apparently still led workshops, volunteered in my kids' classrooms, sat on committees all over town, helped oversee a major remodel on our home, helped my mother move from Illinois to Washington after my dad died...little things interspersed between counseling sessions.

Just over a year ago, shortly after the new year of 2011,  I sat in front of the fireplace during a meeting of my women's group and burned a replica of my calendar.  I had just had a very significant "wake up call".

(**NOTE: My women's group meets twice a month to focus on "personal work" -- meaning we meet to offer support and challenge to each other on our life's paths.  What makes us think, feel, and do what we think, feel, and do?  Does it serve us to stay stuck in a certain pattern?  If not, how can we break free?  How can we help shift the paradigm that no longer serves us?)

I had just been facilitated by one of the Sue's in a process of looking at my absolutely crazy-making pattern of over-committing and over-scheduling my life.  At one point, I was challenged to let go of some of the things I was involved in.  I agreed wholeheartedly, then when further challenged to name which things would go, I  began to negotiate and rationalize why I had to hang onto most of the things on my "to do" list of commitments.   Suddenly it struck me....I was like an addict; powerless over my calendar and my inner need to be needed, feel important, feel productive, and like my life had meaning beyond just "being".  I was all about "doing" to be of worth.

Why?  Maybe because when I was a child, children were to be "seen and not heard".  I felt invisible and ignored when I was "good" and I was never "bad"...that was a job for my brothers, who were perhaps braver than I in rebelling at the age appropriate time.  So as an adult, I lived my "goodness" to the extreme -- maybe for the notice and recognition and respect I'd always craved.  (There...that's what "personal work" looks like -- although it takes longer and is much messier.)

I realized in a sudden flash of recognition that I had to "burn my calendar", clear the dates, and start over.  Nothing scheduled.  Blank space.  How did that feel?  Was I of less worth?  Did my life have less meaning?  Could I still be seen, accepted, and appreciated if I didn't fill my time with do-gooder duties?  Scary stuff.  

Since then, and now retired from my job, I've completely reorganized my time and how I "spend" it.  Instead of retirement freeing me up to do more, I've decided to do even less.  I have a handful of activities and commitments that are meaningful to me.  And I have a lot of blank dates on my calendar.   I occasionally have a concern that this new slower pace falls stereotypically into the "getting older", "less energy" category.  But it really doesn't feel that way to me at all.  It just feels like I am finally taking responsibility for pacing my life in a way that feels full, satisfying, and not crazy-making busy.  It feels like I'm living now how I wish I had ALWAYS lived, regardless of age.  I'm finally just happy being...even if I'm not always doing.

At least, that's the view from here...©

**Interested in more info on "personal work" and a life-changing experience?  Check this out: http://www.ww-wc.org/woman-within-weekend