Feeling like I procrastinated on getting my homework finished. I'm finally doing a blog post this month. I never claimed to be a consistent blogger. This proves it. I've thought several times of sitting down to write, but the Muse wasn't on board. She still isn't, really. But I don't want to skip a month, which would be a first time since starting this blog in 2012. So here goes...
I think I've been distracted by being distracted. Distracted by feeling yet again in a state of transition: seeking, deepening, learning, growing, discerning, connecting, disconnecting, being. The Gift/Burden of Introspection is that I often get lost in the work/delight of taking deep dives into "ultimate meaning". As I wrote in a journal entry the other day, "It's fucking exhausting." It seems to me that most people live a far less psychologically fraught life. At a recent gathering, a group of friends was discussing the nature of happiness or some such thing and one participant said something like, "I haven't really thought much about these things..." And internally I was shocked, then curious. What must it be like to NOT think of the nature of experience, emotion, reaction, seeking deeper meaning, and looking for places of insight and peace all the f'ing time?!?
This has been my default for my whole adult life, but as I grow older, it seems to get more intense and perhaps more urgent. No, I won't have the "meaning of life" all figured out by the time I leave it, but I'd like to learn enough to gift myself with a life of strength, commitment, inner knowing, unshakable values, and a sure path to contentment and peace as I walk these last few steps toward the Horizon. And I feel like everything I've done up to this point is leading there.
Lately I'm using three tools that are providing me a framework for my introspective work: Yoga (not just the poses, which isn't even really yoga), neuro-plasticity study and practice, and the Enneagram. Knowing when and how to employ these tools is my current passion and challenge.
So, this month I've felt strong and sure, weak and afraid, angry and despaired, joyful and content, curious and aware....and through all of it I've felt ALONE and ALIVE. (Existential and "in this life" aloneness is a BIG fear trigger for me...so much to learn and acknowledge and accept! Woo-Hoo!)
Yoga = I'm taking a 4-week meditation course from my favorite teacher. In addition to attending yoga classes, I'm also teaching a yoga class via Zoom once/week and I spend lots of time prepping that plus doing a pre-class Facebook Live video and a post-class follow up summary. I'm doing a self-study of the Yoga Yamas and Niyamas. (Yoga's ethical guides.) I'm watching several CE credit webinars on all aspects of yoga. I'm finding my one, true, sure path through life based on unshakable values and present moment reality.
Neuro-plasticity = I'm continuing my study with Dr. Rick Hanson (books, podcast, webinars) on how to change our brains to default to the positive instead of the negative. We can rewire our brains!!! How exciting is that! His neuro-plasticity-based-Buddhist-inspired psychotherapeutic approach is incredibly accessible and encouraging.
Enneagram = I'm continuing to turn to this tool of learning about personality defaults. I'm learning to grow past the ways in which we cover core wounds with certain safety-motivated personality traits, and instead reach for a "higher" more wholistic and positive/powerful way of being with and understanding oneself and others.
I'm also doing the dishes and the laundry, paying bills, chatting with friends, going for walks, seeing family a bit, hanging out with Hub, cleaning out the attic and other storage spaces, cooking dinner, keeping up with some political stuff including sending postcards to voters in states with big elections coming up next week (Go Virginia!), watching great TV (when did all the shows get so good?!?), and even went to a rock concert!
What I have not done is sit down to write in this blog. Maybe this entry will break the logjam of Muse-absent writer's block. Maybe not. Let me contemplate the deeper meaning of it all....why have I been avoiding this? Am I burned out? Do I just want to quit blogging? Afraid of revealing myself? Wondering if anyone is reading and is it worth the trouble? Just too busy? Too lazy? Who cares? What's my motivation? Is it Ego? The desire to connect? The hope to help/find commonality? The desire for immortality through my words? To document this one little part of my life to be discovered by my descendants? To know I mattered?
(Give me until next month....I'll run all this through my ever-processing introspective mind, using my tools of discovery and discernment, and get back to you with my answer. LOL)
At least, that's the view from here...©
Photo Credit: pixabay.com
