COVID AND KARMA

Turns out I don't have Covid after all.  I sort of knew that.  But sheesh!  I was unusually tired and lethargic all week; had a sore-ish scratchy throat; felt a bit "feverish" even if my thermometer registered normal (could have been broken!); seemed lost in a brain fog and had zero interest in doing anything I'd normally enjoy or at least need to do; thought I felt a certain heaviness in the chest and maybe was a tad short of breath walking up my two flights of stairs.  (I checked my pulse ox -- normal, but again, those instruments can fail!)  I felt like a slug; a nervous, depressed, frightened, slow-crawling slug--as if someone with a salt shaker was about to unload on me.  (Don't have slugs where you live?  Salt kills, like Covid.)

While my granddaughter was here during the day last week, I pushed through and found relief from perseverating on the fact that I likely had deadly Delta-variant Covid, and we actually had a great time!  I didn't feel awful, just a little "off".  But as soon as she went home at dinnertime, I was back to being Sad Me, Sick Me, convinced I had caught The Covid somewhere while my guard was down.  Was it being told that our unvaccinated recent visitor was likely fine since she gets her antibodies tested monthly?  Was it being back to normal with my not-that-cautious extended family, maskless and huggy?  Was it my lax hand-washing?  So, to make absolutely sure, I went and had a Covid test on Thursday. Negative result came today. 

In the meantime I had figured out that my symptoms were psychologically-induced physical manifestations of my mental illness (wow, that diagnosis sounds bigger than what it feels like to me, but let's be honest, I guess.)  Turns out it was that I was missing the familiar energy drain of The Twins, who showed up rather unexpectedly:  Anxiety and Depression.  It's been awhile.  I didn't recognize them.  But the "I hate me" tears and lack of focus/energy/interest along with the absolute certainty of impending death should have tipped me off.

I'm just happy The Twins don't come 'round much anymore as I've gained some pretty great tools and remedies to either ward them off or stop them from moving in:  mindfulness, breathing, introspection, self-compassion, and just the history of knowing they are out there, they might stop by, but they won't stay.  These days, once they are in the door (sneaky bastards know the alarm code), I frown and say, "WTF? You again?"  Eventually I ask them what they are trying to teach me,  then I take a few days for the lesson to materialize, then take another few days to get its meaning.  Then I kick them to the curb, watching them slink away.  Buh-bye!  

Today I feel back to my perky self.  OK, not perky exactly but not bereft, like lyrics from the song by AJR that my granddaughter recently introduced me to:  🎶"I ain't happy yet, but I'm way less sad." 🎶 

I can tell I feel better because I have about a dozen things on my Sunday to-do list and this blog post isn't one of them, so perhaps I'm a little manic in my perceived ability to over-achieve.  Actually I realize this burst of energy is just relief and gratitude and if I don't get everything accomplished, well, there's always tomorrow.  

#1 on the list is getting off the sofa.  I've let my daily walks go, have only practiced yoga once this week, and again ignored my promise to myself to start weight training.  Today is rainy and chilly so I'll stream into Pod Save America on YouTube and watch that while I hit the treadmill.  Then switch over to Silver Sneakers on YouTube for a weights class.  So tech!

#2 is catching up with the webinar classes I've bought and paid for and never watched:  Yoga Lineages and Neuro-Dharma, both of which I'm totally psyched to watch but instead do other things because I want to dedicate a half day to them.  Well, that's not going to happen.  Just start.  

#3 is baking an Asian pear crisp.  Son One has an Asian pear tree in his yard that is absolutely laden with fruit!  I found a recipe that has an interesting-sounding ingredient list for the topping that calls for almond flour.  So, normally I'd go to the Food Co-op to buy some. But no!!!  I'm grinding my own with my new VitaMix grain attachment!  Put the nuts in and voila! Flour!  

If I really did have Covid, of course, I'd not be doing any of this.  I'd just continue to read Thich Nhat Hanh's book, "Fear", which is really, really good.  I had forgotten how calming Buddhism can be.  All we really have is our Karma.  Aging, illness, death, and loss are all just the temporary conditions of our human reality.  We are left with what we think, say, and do while we are here and those consequences, both positive and negative, will play out in the next go-round.  This is what The Twins came to tell me too, so I ordered the book. Because Thich Nhat Hanh is a much gentler and more compassionate teacher.  He says, breathe and be present; do not worry or strive or look for escape -- everything, including you, is perfect in the Now.  The Twins shout, "Get your shit together or die, you worthless idiot."  Same ultimate message, different approach.

At least, that's the view from here...©