SPEECHLESS

I have so much to say that I feel speechless.  But I'm sure the words will come.  Here goes... 

I cannot begin to enumerate all the ways our government is being dismantled under the Trump/Musk regime.  He is doing exactly what he said he would, but with more speed and a bigger wrecking ball.  Whatever is most cruel and illegal seems to be top of list.  Authoritarianism (the president and his merry band of Cabinet level sycophants) and oligarchy (billionaire and top campaign donor Elon Musk, unelected and unappointed, running amok shuttering programs and firing thousands of government employee while he lines his pockets with government contracts) are in charge, with the Republican Party unwilling to stop them. And while a shred of democracy still stands, many feel impotent and overwhelmed.  It's just how they want us to feel.  There is enough finger-pointing to go around and again, that would be a never-ending run-on sentence.  

So I am doing what I do.  I've become even more involved with our local Indivisible group -- a grassroots nationwide organization of activists who take to the streets and take to the ballot box and work to save democracy and support progressive causes, policies, and candidates.  It feels good.  I have found my "tribe" of resisters.  I spend a lot of time organizing, attending meetings, making phone calls to legislators, writing letters to voters -- all the things.  We are told it works.  It IS working, but slowly and maddeningly inconsistently.  

I will never, ever, ever, ever understand why people voted for this chaos and destruction, nor why they continue to support and even rejoice in the destabilizing and terrifying actions being taken that will harm so many Americans -- and others around the world. Government programs, entire federal agencies and funding are being cut.  Thousands of federal workers are being fired on a moment's notice. The FBI and CIA and military being gutted;  completely unqualified and inexperienced people have been chosen and confirmed by the Republican controlled Senate to serve on the Cabinet and in charge of vital parts of our government (qualifications seem to be loyalty to the current president and having had a job on TV).  The U.S. now aligns with dictators around the globe, turning our back on historical European allies to court favor with Putin and Russia.  It's all madness.  And I am so afraid for my grandkids.  This could all end very, very badly.  

But I fight on as best I can and try not to completely give in to my anger about those people who don't like what is happening yet do not take any actions.  A phone call to a legislator takes literally one minute! And it is so important and it works.  Every activist organization emphasizes this.  Putting pressure on them is the tool we have.  USE IT!  That this administration eeked out a win that could have been avoided if those who didn't bother to vote had gone to the polls angers me too. And I believe my anger about this entire situation is righteous.  AND what's equally true is that I am heartbroken for our country and the people who's lives are being hurt and destroyed in so many ways.  The cruelty of people applauding others' misery is stunning to see.

But life on the micro-level continues...

I have a dear friend who suffered a seizure (no stroke detected) from a dangerous spike in blood pressure nearly two weeks ago and has been in the hospital since.  I've gone to see her nearly every day as she lies there, weak, non-communicative for the most part, exhausted, and confused.  We all are just an accident or illness away from this most tender vulnerability;  I'm learning lessons in dignity and compassion.  It will take a long time for her brain to heal from the trauma and for her body to become strong enough again for her to stand and walk.  I am heartened that she recognizes us and can seem to follow conversation, even if her own responses are often only one word.  This woman is brilliant, bright, funny, and beloved. We've been friends for decades and I have great memories of great adventures with her.  She and I and another friend took to calling ourselves the 'Shiny Sisters' and we hope she will shine again soon.  

Hub is away on his fourth snowboard trip of the season; one more to go.  Again, so much to say.  His many trips have been a point of contention between us for many reasons over the years.  Details are tiresome and private.  But this time...this time...something is different.  All that therapy (see prior post) has paid off and I have had a GREAT week home by myself.  We have not been in touch much, and that's good.  I needed to be in my own space, prioritizing myself, not feeling his absence so much as focusing on my presence.  My presence as an individual creating my own life.  It's long overdue.  I know it sounds like, "What?! Of course you have your own life!"  And I do.  I'm not dependent upon him nor do I pine away for him.  Like I said, it's complicated.  But right now I am so delighted to feel 95% terrific about what I'm creating for myself and that, my friends, is a relief I cannot even begin to explain.  You may be confused by this, but all I ask is that you be happy for me.  Believe me, I deserve it.  LOL

We bought a new car.  An electric KIA EV-6.  It's very futuristic and cool.  And I don't understand it at all.  It has so many tech-y bells and whistles that I wonder sometimes who is in charge -- me or the car?  LOL  I'm getting used to it and more comfortable with it.  But I have yet to watch the 40+ mini-lesson videos on the KIA app that explain all the groovy things it does.  Cars used to be stop/go/steer, right?  Hmmm...

So much seems just out of reach lately -- a little surrealistic; changing so quickly.  I don't do well with chaos so I have focused on my meditation practice and spend some parts of every day just getting quiet and grounded.  Politics, activism, illness, technology, emotional turmoil/healing...it's all a whirl.  No wonder I seek out PBS Masterpiece Theater programs and cozy mystery novels, yoga and meditation, and sometimes dark chocolate to calm me.  🙏🏽

At least, that's the view from here...©

Photo Credit: www.pixabay.com

WHAT'S NEW?!?

It's not "writer's block" exactly.  It's more like inertia and procrastination.  I have plenty that I could write about, but sitting down to do it seems, well, daunting.  And I realize I have about six readers on a good day, so this also seems an exercise in self-talk a lot of the time.  But for we six...here I am!  (Note:  my 11 y/o granddaughter read the post I wrote awhile back about us pup-sitting for their dog and I was quite delighted!  I'm glad I got to know a family member read one of these blog posts before I die.  I'm putting it in my Will that they get no inheritance until they can prove to our executor that they've read every word of the hard copy books I've created of my blogs for 9 years now...I expect there will be many more books to read before they head to the bank. LOL)

Well, let's see.  Let's do a "Headline News" post version for today, from National to Personal.

POLITICS:  We are still dealing with the ridiculousness of outrageous conspiracy theories from the Right.  Politically, they are still insisting the previous president won the 2020 election and only is it due to illegal voter fraud that President Biden is in the Oval Office. (Unproven, in spite of repeated recounts in all states.) This drivel is spouted constantly by the previous president and his corrupt and "it would be funny if it wasn't so scary" GOP cronies in elected office in the state and U.S. legislatures.  It's tiring and embarrassing to think about what the rest of the world must be thinking about this great Democracy of ours.  Duh. 

Also voter suppression laws are being enacted in multiple states to ensure that voting is very, very hard especially for Democratic leaning people of color and urban areas of Red states.  A new wave of gerrymandering is upon us with the release of new census data showing the rise of people of color as percentage of our U.S. population.  (The Republicans really do know they lost, so they are cheating best they can to make sure that never happens again!) The For the People Act to counter this is being held up in the US Senate because two recalcitrant Democrats believe they can get bipartisan support for compromised Voting Rights bills and will not suspend the filibuster rules to pass the legislation.  This is especially galling.  Let the GOP use their racially-motivated cruelty to block democracy-ensuring laws, but geez, it's annoying to have Dems joining them with some Quixotic quest for bipartisanship that will NEVER happen!

COVID:  Things have gotten very, very bad...again.  Speaking of stubborn.  A large swath of the population still REFUSES to get vaccinated for all kinds of ridiculous reasons -- chips are being implanted, "you can't make me" personal freedom screeds, impotence and infertility misinformation, human genetic manipulation conspiracies, and just political Us vs Them-ism as the Right will not do anything to please the Left/Educated Elites/Deep State manipulators even if it kills them, which it is. It is beyond infuriating since now ALL OF US ARE AT RISK AGAIN!  

The Delta Variant of Covid 19 is running rampant amongst the unvaccinated and hospitals in some areas are at the breaking point, unable to admit anymore patients for Covid or anything else requiring ICU care (like your run-of-the-mill heart attack, stroke, accident, etc).  Mississippi has called in help from the Feds, which is rich since that state and plenty of others with a big crisis on their hands have been among the most resistant to taking any action to stem the tide of Covid (no masks, no distancing, no vaccs).  All of this is resulting in spikes of cases among the unvaccinated that now threaten we vaccinated folks as well, as Delta seems to be perfectly capable of also infecting us, even if we don't get as sick or die.  We still can pass it on, say, to vulnerable immunocompromised folks or kids under 12 who cannot get the vaccine.  So we are back to mask mandates and distancing in public.  Damn!

CLIMATE:  It's smoke season.  August is our hottest and driest month here and for several years now it's also our smokiest.  Wildfires throughout the western U.S. and Canada burn for weeks, acre upon acre, creating a smoke cover that, depending on which way the wind blows, blankets us in yellow eye-watering, throat-clearing, hacking and coughing smog for days on end.  We monitor air quality apps on our phones and heed warnings to stay inside, windows closed to avoid breathing the particulate matter toxic brew into our lungs.  It was 88 degrees in our bedroom when we went to bed last night after a day of 90-degree heat and no windows or doors to open.  We had floor and ceiling fans going but mostly they just blew hot air at us.  The air purifiers were working overtime inside, but outside our patio table showed evidence of "dust" collecting rapidly as invisible debris fell from the sky. We hope for relief in a couple of days as cooler, wetter weather comes in from the ocean.

MARRIAGE:  On a happier note, Hub and I celebrated our 49th wedding anniversary in July.  We went to a waterfront resort we love about an hour north of us and did lots of walking, talking, sightseeing, and kayaking.  We had a great time!  A couple weeks later we took a camping trip, together!, to Mt. Rainier. (I have not gone camping with Hub for 4 years for many reasons, but I decided it was time to get back on that horse. LOL) We hiked for three days in a row covering 30 some miles.  Blue skies, beautiful scenery, comfy camper.  

We talked about how we want to acknowledge and celebrate our 50th next year and I declared I will NOT consent to a "corsage and sheet cake reception" in some church basement or rented community room at the park district.  Not my style.  So, I hit upon this idea and Hub enthusiastically agreed:  We are going to create "anniversary-designated events" that will happen periodically (as the spirit moves) over the next 18 months -- the rest of 2021 and all of 2022.  These events will have some meaning to us -- revisting places, people, and activities that we have loved over the years of our lives together.  Because why not really celebrate?!?  

We met when we were 17 and 18; we are now 70 and 71.  There have been numerous times one would have thought we'd never last. But we did and not with gritted teeth (much) but with hope and work and determination and respect and love.  It has never been effortless, even up to this day.  But it has been wondrous in how we've gone through so many changes in our individual lives and have still managed to keep our marriage together and grow far beyond our wildest imaginings.  We are closer and happier now than ever.  We are proud of this.  So, let's party!  For a year and a half! 

YOGA BIZ:  I'll end with this.  I don't think I've blogged about teaching yoga.  Two years ago I completed my 200 hr yoga teacher training, never really thinking I'd teach, but just to deepen my own practice.  Lo and behold, last November I started leading a 30 minute meditation and gentle upper body movement session for Zoom friends monthly.  Then in January I started teaching this group an hour-long weekly yoga class also via Zoom.  We've taken the summer off, which has allowed me time to truly dive into this endeavor.  I've obtained a business license, come up with a name, created a logo, taken classes in various teaching modalities, and am ready to come back in September to a group of students who seem to like what I offer, which is "yoga for the physically hesitant"; for those who say "I can't do yoga"; for those who are new to it; who have limited mobility; who need a gentle, mostly seated practice with no getting down on the floor if they don't want to. There's lots of meditation and calming breathing thrown into the mix, as well as positive encouragement and personal attention.  I'm excited and grateful for this chance to share the benefits of a yoga practice, especially for those who say they "can't".  Yes, you can! 

At least, that's the view from here...©

Photo Credit: pixabay.com

SHIFTING PERSPECTIVE

First, regarding my last post.  No.  No one had an affair.  So stop wondering.

Second, I'm letting my shock, grief, and rage about the previous administration go.  He/they have used up enough of me.  I'm focusing on the current Administration...the one I worked so hard to get elected and we did!  And now we bear the fruit of our labors with all the good things that are coming to pass, most notably the passing of the American Rescue Plan yesterday that will help millions of Americans in so many ways.  The headlines say the Senate passed the plan but that's not really totally accurate:  the Democrats in the Senate passed it.  Not one Republican voted for it.  We won the Senate and now we can help people in spite of Republican obstruction and head-scratching, gob-smacking lack of compassion.  I'm sure all who voted for these R's will turn down any financial aid coming their way.  Hopefully they will sign their checks over to food banks or something.  That would be nice, huh?

As for the Covid year.  That still rages on, but I'm noticing that most of my friends now have at least one shot in their arms, many of us have both.  Again, this is thanks to the Biden Administration coming in and doing the work the previous administration ignored (like having any plan at all for increasing vaccine production and distribution).   The U.S. is currently administering 2 million doses a day.  The plan is to have vaccine ready to go for every American by mid-May.  This is phenomenal.  

Maybe this summer my whole family will be vaccinated.  

Already Hub and I have our full immunity, as does my daughter in law who works in health care, and Son Two has one dose in after becoming eligible as a childcare provider -- he supervises a childcare program (among many other programs) and pitches in with the kids at his park district supervisor job.  Now it's just Son One and Son Two's wife to go and we can all breathe (literally) in the same room together a little easier.  (The granddaughters lag behind, but they have learned well that physical distancing and mask wearing is just a part of their childhood lives.  Our 6-yr old now reminds me I'm getting too close.)  Anyway, I'm basically awed and elated at the turn-around that seemed so hopeless only a couple months ago.

Also, regarding my last post.  I said I was 70.  Nope.  Turns out I'm 45.   I know, I know.  Over the last year I've noticed my hair has turned grayer and the wrinkles and sags in my face more pronounced.  So what?  I just read an article that played on the "only as old as you feel" theme about growing older and what to do about it.  HAHA  As if there is anything to do about it but accept it, right?  Anyway, I decided I feel 45.  I liked being 45.  I was definitely a grown up.  I had learned some stuff.  Sure I was sad and overweight and stressed by trying to be the perfect mother, wife, community organizer, etc etc.  But there were some good parts too and besides I'm not trying to repeat being 45 -- in so many ways I like myself better now; I'm healthier, happier, wiser.  But the chronological number seems off.  Inside I feel about 45.  

I know 70 isn't old, exactly, unless I spend a wee bit too much time gaming life expectancy, and then there is a bit of a shock.  But as my 11 year old granddaughter posited recently, "Grandma, do you think you'll set the record for living the longest?"  "Well, I don't know honey, what's the record?"  "I think it's like 130 or something...I think you can do it Grandma, cuz you do yoga and eat super healthy food."  "Hmm...well, yes, then I think I'll shoot for that!"  LOL  So sweet, but hey why not?  We are only as old as we feel.  And when I'm 130, I'll probably feel about 70 and that will feel damn good!

At least, that's the view from here...©

Photo Credit: www.pixabay.com

RESTING

The Muse is on vacation. I have no energy for....much.  I'm intimately familiar with burn-out.  Hello.  I see you.  I feel you.  

Here's the thing.  The Truth.  ALL of my energy is going into recovery, resilience, re-defining, re-making, re-ordering my life.  I turned 70 in December.  Some shift is happening..."something's happening here; but what it is ain't exactly clear..." (Those my age will recognize this song lyric.)

I recall in my 50's and early 60's I had the motto: "There is no time left to waste", so I went on a "public-ing" binge of no longer hiding and postponing the things I wanted to do that I'd long put off or talked myself out of, thinking I was not capable enough to pull any of it off.  

I wrote and did "performance poetry" publicly at Open Mics.  I contributed to a chapbook of original poems with a group of women poets. I organized and facilitated a monthly Ecstatic Dance (meditative movement) experience attended by about 20 people.  I organized and facilitated a support and sharing group for women over 60 (WISE: Women Investigating, Supporting and Experiencing) as we moved into an age where many women become invisible.  I wanted us to be examples, not of the stereotypical "elderly" but of the vital and energetic version of what it means to grow older with so much to contribute: smashing cultural stereotypes.  I was in leadership at my Unitarian Universalist church, as a regular Worship Associate, on committees, MC'ing special events.  I attended women's personal growth experiential weekends and the follow up growth groups that changed my life.  I started taking yoga classes.  I learned to meditate.  I struggled through getting boys through high school and college and a mother through independent living, assisted living, and home care as her dementia progressed until her death.  I also worked full time.  And did all the other life stuff people do.  It was a time of tremendous energy output and tremendous reward.

I think of all of that fondly and know I do not want to repeat the frantic pace of those years.  But lately I wonder what my life is about.  I feel directionless and rudderless.  Plus, shit's been hard.

My political assumptions about our country and my naive innocence about people doing what's right took a huge hit with the defeat of Hillary Clinton and the victory of a Republican president and party that resembles nothing like Democracy.  For over 4 years I felt abused and betrayed.  The heart sickness, the mental shocks, the physical responses to all of it, as well as the non-stop calls to action and activism took a toll.  By the time he was defeated, although he is still claiming he won, I was just relieved and burned out.  These days I've become one of those I have always denigrated -- vaguely aware of what's happening, but not engaged; not devouring news 24/7, not taking any meaningful actions, not interested in engaging in long diatribes or discussions of policy or politics.  I almost have an aversion -- I just watch Rachel Maddow and occasionally skim my news feed without the ability to read more than a paragraph or so before I feel agitated enough to click out of the story.  I cannot tolerate the intolerable anymore.  I think I'll get my mojo back, eventually, because if anything inspires me to care it's voting rights issues, so that may be where I'm headed, but not now, not today.

While delicate to write about and without any desire to reveal intimate details, for the past two years Hub and I have struggled with some marital issues that have consumed me...and us.  It has been a time of tremendous pain for me.  We recognized the need to attend to long-standing patterns of being in relationship together.  We've made a commitment to deeper understanding and acceptance of the ways in which we are very different.  One would think all of this would have been worked out years ago.  But ages and stages of development, and how people just naturally change over time, bring different challenges and this age and stage feels like a transition born of crisis into a new and healthier way of being together.  At times we feel like honeymooners, having gotten past the initial "thing", but underlying that there is still much work to do.  (It's never just one thing and often it's not even the "thing" but the "why" behind it.)  Why one person decides to do something and how the other reacts to that doing requires examination.  To our credit, we are (no hyperbole, it's true) excellent at talking things through.  We have huge individual and collective toolboxes of personal growth and communication tools and know how to use them.  We have spent hours and hours and hours sitting in our living room chairs telling honest truths to each other, revealing our deepest thoughts and feelings, fighting, crying, giving up, starting again, and holding the hope that this will all make us stronger.  Lately I think it will.  I am so grateful for our shared perseverance and willingness to be vulnerable as a means to an end we both want.  I have found my voice and my strength of conviction, setting boundaries, and honoring my values.  He has looked inside and found areas he wants to work on as well.  We both think the future holds great promise and we are excited about sharing it together.  But Jesus, it's been so hard, so draining, so sad... and so important.  

And then a year ago along came the Covid-19. Besides the fear of catching the thing, came the difficult realization that I felt so alone with my adult children seemingly unable or unwilling to be as attentive as I'd hoped.  They rarely reached out to check in, rarely answered my own reaching out to them with much more than a few words in response.  I felt I'd completely lost one of my DIL's as her work in health care consumed her.  I know they love me, but still, I had to learn hard, hard lessons about letting go.  They were consumed by their own lives, busy, and stressful. I grieved mightily that my dream of a close connection to my family was not to be.  At least not the way I had defined it.  So, I worked and worked and worked on finding out more about why connection was so important to me. And I figured it out and went on to working on how to heal that wound within myself.  (Fodder for another post.)  

So, all of this has left me in a state of numb exhaustion for several weeks.  I've neglected friends, have been unable to write or read much, or even laugh enough.  I've been reclusive with no social energy to expend.  I truly feel like I'm recovering from an intensely emotionally demanding and draining few years of concurrent challenges that converged to overcome my sense of safety -- which is a HUGE challenge for me.  Feeling safe and connected are my core needs and these have been thwarted.  I have to come up with a new definition of safety and connection and to find those things within myself, not relying on others to supply me this life-saving emotional oxygen.  

So, yeah, it's hard and from it all I have grown so much, learned so much, feel hopeful and determined.  But I need to retire to my sofa, with my mandala coloring books and watercolor pens, my crocheting, and my TV for a while longer.  I need quiet walks, daily meditation, and regular yoga practice.  I need a few close friends, occasional family gatherings (thank you Covid vaccinations!), and more time to figure out what's next for me, because I do not know.  But I do know I'll be a different me when I emerge.

At least, that's the view from here...© 

HELLO 2021

Happy New Year!  Late.  My intention this year is to make my blog posts shorter, lighter, less ponderous.  Yet, we live in a ponderous world, so we'll see.

What I notice, looking back, is that the November Presidential Election felt like I'd been running a 4+ year emotional marathon at full speed through shit.  Getting to the finish line to discover we'd won felt more like relief than celebration.  I basically fell over the line and collapsed in a coma.  

But wait!  The Georgia Senate races were too close to call, so they decided to do a run-off election in early January, which if they both won, would give the Democrats control of the Senate, allowing the Biden/Harris agenda a snowball's chance of success.  "Snap out of it!"  "I know you thought you won, and you sort of did, but now pick yourself up and keep going -- there's a new finish line!"  So, there was that.  And we won again.  But at that point the exhaustion and distraction were so great it was hard to stay upright.

Let me explain distraction:  The former (yay!) President refused to accept the results of the November election.  He shouted from his Twitter account, his podium, his rallies; he sent his flunky apologists on speaking tours of the cable talk shows, and of course his own right-wing authoritarian-state media outlets amplified what has been tagged "The Big Lie" for him 24/7.  He filed lawsuit after lawsuit, demanded recounts in various swing states, losing every time.  The result was this being declared the most free and fair election ever.  Nevertheless he persisted in declaring his own victory, "by a landslide", and that the election was stolen from him.  

We always knew he was mentally disturbed, but he was supported in this fantasy by his GOP sycophants in Congress as well as other "regular folks" supporters, also including a large contingent of Neo-Nazis, white supremacists, QAnon conspiracy theorists, and just radicalized loners. They began to take up his cause as well, culminating in him calling them all to Washington DC on January 6 for a "Rally to Stop the Count" -- meaning the very day that Congress was to meet to certify the Electoral College votes, DC was inundated with thousands of his supporters, armed and angry, who gathered to hear him speak of "taking back their government" and "let's march to the Capitol" where Congress was gathered to verify the election, presided over by his own Vice President, as required by the Constitution, not necessarily cuz he wanted to be there. 

March they did.  And when they arrived they pushed through police barricades, broke windows and doors, rushed into the building, menaced and beat police officers, stormed the offices of Congresspeople and Senators, threatened to shoot Speaker Nancy Pelosi and hang VP Mike Pence (for his role in doing his job, I guess).  The Capitol police were overrun and calls for help from the National Guard went unanswered for hours.  After the hours-long standoff was finally halted, the Congress came out of their secured locations and went back to work to verify the election outcome, but 147 Republican lawmakers voted against the certifying the election -- in effect refusing to accept the democratically elected new president/vice president as valid.  Oh, and five people died.  And this is Amerika.

Since then the FBI has been rounding up the perpetrators as best they can, aided by the brazenness of their predilection for posting the whole debacle on social media with a burst of pride and narcissism.    The former president has limped off to Florida where he threatens to start a third political party and continues to hold sway over the GOP for some reason.  

Oh, and he was impeached AGAIN by the House for inciting insurrection.  The Articles of Impeachment have been delivered to the Senate where they will begin the trial on February 8.  But they've already taken a vote on the constitutionality of trying an ex-president with the majority of Republicans voting that it is unconstitutional -- even though they previously refused to hear the case while he was still in office, when presumably they thought it would be constitutional.  It gets confusing to keep up with the crazy.  Too bad. We won. The trial will go on.

The day of the Inauguration was a bright spot, perfectly executed live and online - a celebration of diversity, unity, and optimism.  There was no violence, which had been threatened not only in DC but in State Capitols nationwide,  which was remarkable. Perhaps evildoers were deterred by the 40,000 National Guard troops brought in and that a Green Zone of inner Washington was sealed off with barricades and barbed wire.  This is Amerika.

The Biden/Harris administration is peopled by experienced, competent professionals.  They are following rules and norms and working with a transparency we had forgotten could exist, such that it all feels like a miracle instead of just how things should be.  There is hope there.

But alas, we also still have a pandemic to fret over.  Current US numbers:  26,663,298 cases; 450,478 deaths.  

It is criminal how badly mismanaged this crisis has been in the United States under the former administration.  They are directly responsible for so much suffering and death with their ignorance and lack of leadership in urging Americans to take necessary precautions.  The "anti-maskers" still refuse even the most basic of precautions, led in their disregard by the ex-president and others in his circle of fools.

Two vaccines have been released and folks are getting vaccinated now when they can.  The former administration, as a parting shot in this arena, announced that anyone over 65 could get the shot and that they would release their stockpile of vaccine to accomplish this Herculean task.  Turns out...surprise!...there was no stockpile!  

The Biden administration is working to increase production of the vaccine and get it out to communities as fast as possible, but the roll-out has been nothing but frustration for many: impossible to get an appointment in spite of making it a full time job to be online, refreshing and refreshing the websites to maybe be able to make an appointment at a vaccination site before they fill up (often within minutes!).  It seems one must just get very lucky to get a vaccination appointment, which Hub and I were.  But I could barely acknowledge the momentous occasion....  

Everything is just...too much.   So, most of this month I've spent going inward, withdrawing, reading, thinking, and watching Dickenson on Apple+TV, which I have found quirky and delightful...just what I needed.  Solitude and self-care.

Turns out this post is not shorter, lighter, nor less ponderous.  Let's shoot for next time?

At least, that's the view from here...©

STILL DOING HARD THINGS

Some days it all feels like too much.  I try, we all try, to carry on with life "as normal" but what is normal? Many days I forget what normal even used to be.  

I know I am blessed and privileged and have very little to complain about in my physical world.  Lovely, warm home, great husband, family nearby, friends, enough food and money to not have to worry.  Creature comforts and loving support? Check.

Still, this morning I feel like the world out there is caving in and my safety is only an illusion.   Plus, I'm emotionally spent.  Saying that, there is also a voice in my head assuring me I'll be fine; I'll get through this rough patch and find hope and joy and connection again, but right now I also hear the voice full of woe and warning and feel my body responding with the familiar vertigo of anxiety.

Over on the yoga blog that I write I advised recently to 'be with what is'; that all things change, all circumstances pass.  Today I'm struggling to take my own advice.

The current president still has not conceded the election and is continuing his chaotic quest to challenge the results with legal action, lies, gaslighting, and inciting his followers (and his GOP cronies) to rise up in opposition to what is so obviously the truth:  he lost.   He refuses to allow President-Elect Biden any access to government agencies or information crucial to a peaceful and smooth transfer of power.  No amount of pleading and pressure will budge him.  

Consequently we are vulnerable on many fronts, including national security, but most immediately around the Covid-19 pandemic which is absolutely raging through the U.S. with astronomical numbers of new cases, and deaths, daily.  Biden has a plan for instituting a national response, but needs access to government agencies and information to get a leg up before he takes office.  He is being thwarted. 

We do not have, nor have we ever had, a coordinated national response to the pandemic.  It has been all lies, denials, and conspiracy theories, with a great swath of Americans thumbing their noses at science and refusing to take even the most basic precautions to protect themselves and others.  It's unconscionable. 

I am dismayed I have to live through this era of political upheaval where our American norms, values, and laws are being upended and ignored, where vitriol and violence (real and threatened) are the order of the day. I am dismayed I have to live through this era of pandemic suffering, ignorance, and blatant disregard for each other.  I am beyond dismayed that my grandkids will inherit this mess in some incarnation.  Our country won't be the same -- this is a time of historic change.  My prayer is that this darkness will be followed by light.  The jury is still out.

I try to turn to gratitude.  I am healthy.  So is my family and are my friends.  A vaccine is on the horizon, even if distribution will take many months to reach everyone; some say a year.  Biden/Harris will move into leadership on January 20 barring some catastrophic turn of events.  I'm grateful to live in a part of the country, in a state, where the governor is taking bold measures to try to protect us by establishing limits on social gatherings and mandating masks in public.  States which took early and consistent actions are not as impacted now as those who did not (and still do not).  

But as I watch the rain hit my window this morning, I look out upon a gray, wet, chilly world that seems to hold little promise for immediate respite.  My thoughts are with those who are ill, alone, dying; with their families in worry and grief; with health care workers and caregivers who are exhausted and nearly unable to go on; with all of us as we look ahead to a lonely Thanksgiving sequestered from the warmth and good cheer of family and friend gatherings just when we need it most. 

Had there been a bold and coordinated response from our government at the beginning, so much of this could have been avoided.  It did not have to be this way.  For that I am incredibly sad...and enraged.  Yet, this is what we have, where we are.  Be with what is.

I still have my little poster hanging up on a kitchen cabinet that says "We Can Do Hard Things".  It's been there since all of this started last winter.  We are still in it.  We are still doing hard things.

At least, that's the view from here...©

Updated statistics on Covid 19:  

In my county -- Cases since January: 11,934; Deaths: 258; rate per 100,000 people of newly diagnosed cases in past two weeks: 211.9 (the goal is to get this under 25!)

U.S. -- Cases since January: 11,903,133 million; Deaths: 256,658; over past 7 days, average of 162,816 new cases/day.

Photo Credit: raindrops.  Pixabay.com

FOG

I am not sure where I've been...

Well, I've been exactly nowhere since I'm still 90% staying home because turns out there is still a Covid-19 pandemic raging and the numbers are going up locally, but today I feel I've emerged from a bit of a foggy inertia that has kept me from writing here. 

Catching up:

I did a 4-part series in September on my yoga blog about the Enneagram (personality typing) and I think I'll repeat it on this blog sometime.  It's where my brain has been -- studying the Enneagram to explore my inner landscape, my motivations, habits, responses to life events.  It's fascinating and helpful and has given me valuable insight into old ways of being that no longer serve me.  All of this has come up as I continued to marvel at the various ways my friends and family are responding to the pandemic.  But beyond that I have found growth points to work toward that have nothing to do with the Covid crisis and everything to do with finding a healthier way to express my basic personality type in relationship with others.  

This all sounds rather vague here, I know.  Suffice to say, I've been lost in my books, notes, podcasts, and practices.  I love it and it's been incredibly psychologically and emotionally draining -- doing inner personal growth work is necessarily about relationships (with oneself and with others) and that makes it complex, difficult, and ultimately rewarding.  And also, yes, exhausting.  

Also in September we were visited by ten days of unhealthy air due to the smoke descending from wildfires raging in California, Oregon, and Washington.  We kept doors and windows shut tight and looked out into the yellow-gray haze of what should have been sunny, warm late summer days.  It was depressing and scary -- portents of a climate crisis future.

Once the smoke lifted, I went out to my garden.  I decided to stop waiting for help with the "heavy gardening" and just try to tackle it myself.  I spent hours digging out ten huge clumps of bearded irises that were taking over various locations and crowding other plantings out.  Each clump took me between 5 and 20 minutes to unearth, kicking the shovel under the root ball over and over, incrementally levering the root ball up from the earth, then hauling garden cart after garden cart away to the dump pile.  I did the same with four peonies that I transplanted.  I cut back the yellow leaves of my five big hostas, pruned other things back, transplanted a few perennials, mulched some transplants....I sound like a real gardener here.  I have no idea what I'm doing.  I Google everything and hope for the best.  

I feel pretty proud of my work though, and have a sense of satisfaction about taking the initiative and successfully completing hard physical work tasks that normally I might have stewed about and grown frustrated waiting for "manly muscle" help.  (See personal growth work above.)  I'm basically a genteel gardener, but I did it!  Woman!  Roar!  

We've had 4-5 days of rain lately, so I figure all of that garden work and transplanting is getting a nice soaking now and that has to be good, right?  I still have to weed and cut back last year's canes in the two 40 foot rows of raspberry patch, cover the raised beds with some compost and mulch, and generally finish the whole "put the garden (and garden furniture) to bed" chores of Autumn.  I always find it a bit depressing; winter is not my favorite season in this northland where the darkness and rain feels oppressive already.

And then there is politics.  I'm hanging on by my fingernails.  I find my ability to keep attending to the daily outrages waning.  I can hardly stand to read/watch about the latest debacle of decency and assaults on democracy.  I feel if I start writing about it here, I won't be able to stop -- and I'll likely forget something because every day is chock-a-block full of awful: Covid raging (and fights over mandated attempts to slow it); the current White House occupant behaving like a petulant child at the presidential debate; the Covid epidemic hitting the Administration (33 tested positive -- some refusing to have the test; the president and first lady testing positive, then declaring they are "cured" and that the virus is not a big deal, so don't worry about it. Tell that to the 210,000 families of Americans who have died.); a far right wing conservative nominated to fill Ruth Bader Ginsburg's seat on the Supreme Court and the GOP rushing the hearings to get her seated prior to the election; voter suppression tactics in full force; a president who is undermining the validity of the election and refusing to leave office unless he feels the election has been "fair" (with him being the decider on that).  Then there is the ongoing lying, gaslighting, ridiculing...

So, my response has been to stop checking my phone for the latest news. (I literally leave it upstairs in my bedside table only checking for updates a couple times a day.)  I have signed up with organizations working to write postcards to GOTV (Get Out The Vote) with Postcards to Voters, Reclaim Our Vote, and Moms Rising (over 200 written to date.)  I have also completed 100 letters for Vote Forward.  I took a text-banking training and know I should get busy on that too.....and I'm tired.  If I were a marathon runner I would not be one who gets a second wind....I'd be the one crawling, panting and bloodied, across the finish line.  At least the polls are looking good for our side...and then 2016 flashbacks pop into my head and I'm back wondering what more I can do.  I can't do nothing.

There is a word I've discovered for this fog of overwhelm: acedia.  Physical and emotional isolation (covid), along with a steady barrage of bad news (politics, social unrest, climate crises), creates feelings of listlessness and anxiety, which is a legitimate response to the current predicament.  Some may think this is depression, but it feels different.  It feels to me claustrophobic -- not hopeless in the same way as depression; more like impatient and agitating, with no way out.  The point is, this is a valid feeling to have and it has brought me lately to a place of inertia: "bored, listless, afraid, and uncertain". *

I hope the urge to write today means I am returning to the land of the living -- emerging from the fog with clear-sighted resilience.  No matter what happens on any of these fronts, the task is to keep moving forward, questing for a fully lived life of self-awareness, connection, growth, and commitment.  

Also, I may take a nap.

At least, that's the view from here...©

Photo Credit:  pixabay.com

*Resource: "Acedia: the lost name for the emotion we are all feeling right now", by Jonathan Zecher, writing for 'The Connection', August 2020

WHAT WOULD YOU DO FOR YOUR COUNTRY?

 "You now know what you would do for your country if your country was ever in this much danger.  It's whatever it is you're doing right now.  What you're doing now, what you're planning to do for the next six weeks, that's what you're made of." -- Rachel Maddow, MSNBC 9/23/20

"There is no more time for silence.  ... All women and men of conscience must speak or they are complicit in America lurching towards a dangerous cliff of autocracy and chaos." -- Dan Rather, Veteran Journalist

"This is how democracy dies." -- Adam Schiff, Chair of the House Intelligence Committee

These are just a few responses to an Atlantic article published yesterday outlining the current president's plan to steal the election.  We already know there is an active Russian influence campaign to try to disrupt and discredit our election.  The current president is aware of this and complicit in it as he uses the exact same talking points:  The election is "rigged"; mail-in ballots are fraudulent; we can't trust the outcome.  He is suppressing the vote in many states through arcane voting laws, gerrymandering, closing polling places, and slowing down the mail by appointing unqualified crony as Postmaster General who has removed mailboxes and dismantled sorting machines in mostly large Democratic cities, but in other areas too.  He is preparing a legal battle if he is not declared the winner on November 3, and is planning a work around to appoint Republican electors chosen by state legislatures who will cast votes for him by overriding the will of the people due to "vote fraud".  Eventually this would go to Congress and the Courts, leaving the U.S. in chaos for weeks/months with the endpoint a victory for him, since by then he plans on having made his third far right wing Supreme Court appointment on the Court.

Yesterday, when asked by a reporter if he would commit to a peaceful transfer of power if he loses the election, he said, "Well, we're going to have to see what happens.  You know that I've been complaining very strongly about the ballots and the ballots are a disaster.  Get rid of the ballots and you'll have a very -- we'll have a very peaceful -- there won't be a transfer frankly, there'll be a continuation."  He also noted, "I think this will end up in the Supreme Court and I think it's very important that we have nine justices, and I think the system's going to go very quickly.  Having a 4-4 situation is not a good situation."

*******************

I know I'm living through history.  

I know that these years of a corrupt, chaotic, and despotic presidency will produce a library full of books that my grandchildren may have to read for their history classes. (Are there still history classes?)  

I know this election is a defining moment for the United States of America and its experiment in democracy.   

I know that the death of Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg last Friday was a jolt to women, who knew that without Justice Ginsberg discrimination on the basis of sex might still be rampant, not to mention the vacancy she leaves may push the Court to the far right, endangering abortion rights, affordable health care, LGTBQ rights, safety regulations, religious freedom, immigration, the upcoming election, and on and on.  

I know that the social/racial flashpoint that is occurring right now in response to police killings of black people is a wake-up call for all of us and a moment when, finally, some white people are seeing past their own privilege to take to the streets with their black brothers and sisters to demand an end to systemic racism.  

I know this summer's record number and size of wildfires and hurricanes is the earth's way of crying out for healing.  A thick blanket of toxic smoke covered whole states, and our town, for two weeks.  We barely left the house, keeping all doors and windows closed on what should have been beautiful summer days, had the sun been able to penetrate the smoke.

I know this Covid-19 pandemic, which has now infected nearly 7 million Americans and killed over 200,000 is not slowing down, not going away, and may be only one in a long string of similar health-related deadly consequences of climate change.

The world is turning.  Sometimes I think all of this is a purge.  We are at the point of change or die, in many ways.  Incremental change, half measures, and good intentions are not cutting it.

So....what am I doing?  How am I responding to my country being in this much danger?

It turns out there are few flashy heroic measures for most of us.  Most of us are just trying to survive this swirling chaotic storm, take care of our families, find some measure of happiness and contentment.  But my motto is "If we all do a little, it adds up to a lot." I'm doing a little.

I am passionate about the right to vote.  I am passionate about making sure everyone exercises that right. I am taking that passion to my desk, volunteering with four different organizations to write letters and postcards to prospective voters, especially in Swing States, especially under-represented people of color, to urge them to register and vote in this election.  I write and write and write.  I buy lots of stamps.  I pour my heart into each message, envisioning a person reading my words and maybe, just maybe, being moved to cast a vote.  I realize these cards and letters may also go directly into the trash, but studies have proven that a hand-written note to a specific person increases voter turnout 3-5%.  Sounds paltry, but adds up to several million potential voters at the polls.  I've written a couple of hundred notes and still going strong.

I also plan to do shifts of text banking for Democrats once I figure out the tech expertise I need to get up and running.  I am intimidated by it, but it feels like a teeny tiny thing to figure out compared to doing nothing after the letter/card campaigns end in mid-October.  The last push will be phone calls and texts.  I can do that.

I'm donating to candidates -- not just for president, but for key Senate races.  

I'm posting pro-Democrat information on social media -- a countdown to Election Day (a bit of a misnomer, since over half the states have already begun absentee and early voting), and Biden/Harris positions on various issues.  I'm hoping my FB friends will pass these on to their FB friends, but so far I'm not seeing any 'shares'.  Still, I do what I can.  

What I can't do is worry too much that others aren't joining in with activism.  Maybe some are and I don't know it.  Maybe some just aren't interested.  Maybe some are too busy, too tired, too distracted, too overwhelmed, too cynical, too afraid.  Over the past few years at various times my political buddy and I have tried to organize and enlist friends in joining us in calling legislators, writing letters, etc.  Not much interest, so we gave up.  In this time of physical distancing, we can't even try to gather anyone together, and she and I don't even see each other in person, so I am going solo.  I've found some enthusiastic online groups, have taken some fun and inspiring online trainings, listen to a few political podcasts -- all of which keeps me informed and motivated.  I do what I can.

So, what am I doing for my country?  I'm trying.  I'm eating healthy, walking regularly, practicing yoga and meditation, seeing my family with distance and masks when I can, calling and Zooming with friends, feeling deeply connected to and grateful for my husband, growing some of my own food, learning and writing about the Enneagram personality types to better understand myself and others,  paying attention to the news of the day, finding rest and relaxation amidst also clutter-busting this big old house.  I am living the best life I know how to live, alive to each moment, and ready for whatever comes.  And I am 100% committed to the actions I can take to preserve our democracy, to elect leaders who share my values and vision of a world of equality, compassion, diversity, generosity, and justice. 

I'm writing some letters, donating some money, sending some texts, making a few calls.  It doesn't seem like nearly enough.  But...If we ALL do a little, it adds up to A LOT!  No doubt there is something you can do too.  It's time to do it. 

At least, that's the view from here...©

THIS IS AMERIKA

Heavy sigh.

I have not felt like writing.  I envy my blogger friend who writes religiously (well, she'd take exception with that term; let's say regularly) whether she feels like it or not.  She is devoted to her writing schedule.  Plus, she finds everyday, funny, quirky things to write about.  Me? Not so much. I wait for inspiration, or at least a building up of "writing tension" that explodes onto the page (like today).  And lately not all that much feels funny to me, so I appreciate her making me smile all the more.

We still have a pandemic, which is getting worse.  We still have a lunatic authoritarian president, who is getting worse.  We still have social unrest in protest of generations of racial discrimination and violence, with mostly peaceful protestors, but not always.  And worse, the aforementioned authoritarian president has taken to sending unidentified security forces, dressed in camouflage and armed with "non-lethal" (but still blinding in one case) rubber bullets, into "Democrat led" cities to "restore order".  Only they make it more unstable and violent, subduing with tear gas and arresting protestors and observers without cause. Literally no one knows who these forces are, nor the men wearing the camo.  There is no identifying information as to agency or names on uniforms or vehicles.  They are there uninvited by local officials or law enforcement; some cities have sued the Administration to attempt to get them out.  This is Amerika.

So, I've been a little depressed.

I thought this would be the Summer of Political Action, gearing up for November.  This time it really is the most important election of our lifetimes...maybe generations.

Yet, here we are instead, arguing and polarized over whether it is an infringement on individual freedoms to be told to wear a mask, maintain physical distancing, and stay home, OR, whether these science-based recommendations and mandates are kind, compassionate, and necessary acts, as hospitals are filled to capacity, health care workers are so far beyond exhausted they are in tears on the nightly news begging people to follow the recommendations, and millions are suffering and dying.  The anti-maskers (including the lunatic president) who want to go to rallies, party, gather in larger groups and stand too close are helping extend the pandemic within the U.S., which is now a pariah in the world, where most countries have closed their borders to American citizens.  This is Amerika. 

When I started writing about his Covid-19 pandemic in early March, here were the stats I recorded in a blog post:

Worldwide: 100,000 cases; 3,408 deaths

United States: 233 cases; 12 deaths

Washington State: 39 cases; 10 deaths (in one long-term care facility, an early epicenter)

My county: 8 cases (including the very first Covid confirmed case in the U.S.; 0 deaths

Here are today's numbers, 4.5 months later:

Worldwide: 15.5 million cases; 634,000 deaths

United States: 4,024,492 cases; 143,868 deaths (cases and deaths the worst, by far, of any country in the world -- including people I know personally)

Washington State: 50,009 cases (including one of my sons); 1,482 deaths

My county: 4,562 cases; 182 deaths

There is no sign of this abating in the U.S.; our state is on the upswing like so many others. That's discouraging because our state was an early adopter of shutting down -- closing businesses and public places, closing schools, urging mask wearing (although no mandating it until far too late in my opinion).  Other states (especially in the south where there is apparently a neurotoxin in the water that effects the rational thinking centers of the brain in nearly all elected officials) didn't close down completely at all, or if they did, they opened up way too fast and too soon, resulting in the spikes we see across southern swath of the United States.  But even more progressive states like California, Oregon, and Washington (and others) contain large enough numbers of deniers who are screaming about their rights to assemble and to NOT wear masks, that the rest of us are endangered too.

So, I've been a little depressed.

There IS still an election in 102 days (but who's counting?) but it seems like an abstraction.  No big campaign rallies (well the lunatic president has held a few, against unanimous advice from health experts, but poor attendance and subsequent covid spikes of attendees seems to have cooled the ardor for now.)  Party conventions will be held online (although again, lunatic president still thinks he can address his adoring fans in person.)  Foreign influence and cyber attacks aimed at spreading disinformation and creating chaos and division are in full force since this Administration took almost no action to stop this after the debacle of 2016.  Voter suppression is in full steam ahead mode with some states refusing vote by mail (even when coming out to vote in a pandemic could kill you), and polling places are being shut down in some areas with large populations of brown and black people, making for 8 hour long lines to get into the few polling sites left open.  This is Amerika.

I'm running out of steam, as I do more easily these days.  I must face the unfathomable fact that I feel beaten up, beaten down, bloodied, and exhausted by the last four years of political (and personal) challenges.  My energy for the fight comes only in fits and starts with long pauses for sitting in my garden and/or binging on the TV Series du Jour Hub and I have decided to spend our evenings watching, popcorn bowls on our laps.

I feel like I will still rally for the cause eventually, but to do what?

I have no interest in talking myself blue trying to change hearts and minds -- they are unchangeable.

I have no interest in cold-calling voters; my introverted self has become even more so.  (The very best part of "stay at home" orders is that every single day I feel overwhelmingly relieved that I don't have to go anywhere, or do anything, or see anyone that I don't want to!)

I have no interest in attending rallies (Covid fears and inertia).

So I write postcards to voters for various organizations who are doing distance GOTV (Get Out The Vote) work.  I read, listen, watch, stay informed.  I post to social media.  I vote.

My primary ballot is sitting right next to my computer and when I sign off here, I will vote in the statewide races that are essential to moving us in the right direction.  Then I'll hold my breath to hear the results.  I take nothing for granted anymore.  So much that I thought I knew, could count on, believed in is in tatters.

I've been a little depressed.

This is Amerika.

At least, that's the view from here...©

HAPPY NEW YEAR?

Let's stipulate that the world is a scary mess, still....yet....again.

I note that one week into 2020 the current administration has blustered, blundered, and lied the U.S. into an international crisis that endangers our military and may lead to another war in the Middle East and beyond.

Black and brown people continue to be detained at our borders and thrown into cells and cages in squalid conditions just for seeking legal refuge in the "land of the free".

The current occupier of the White House has been impeached in the House of Representatives, but the GOP-controlled Senate is pledging to support and work closely with the White House on a sham "trial" where they refuse to call witnesses to the president's wrongdoing.

The current White House occupant's son, a civilian, showed up on social media today grinning while clutching to his breast an AR 15-style assault rifle (the mass murderers weapon of choice), a military weapon even though this guy will never be called, nor volunteer, to serve our country in the military.  No, he's not the errant youngest child, loony black sheep of the family.  He is the eldest, 42 years old  and favored child, head of the family business dynasty. (Well, in name only; his daddy is likely still running the business, Constitutional prohibition be damned.) The gun is etched with the Christian cross symbol used in the Christian Crusades of the middle ages when Christians decided to rid the world of Muslims.  Also etched is a depiction of Hillary Clinton behind bars, in a nod to imprisoning innocent-of-any-crime political rivals.  So there's that, which about sums it all up.

I could go on and on.  Suffice to say, the shit-show of this Administration continues and we are all getting very, very edgy.

Oh, and Australia is on fire with the climate crisis consequences of global warming, burning like  Armageddon and killing tens of thousands of animals, spewing smoky particulate matter into the air and lungs, burning homes and homesteads...on and on...while some continue to deny the reality of climate change and continue to prop up the fossil fuel industry as if there is no tomorrow (and soon there won't be.)

It's all rather depressing.  My passion for politics as a means to equality, compassion, inclusion, fairness, life, liberty, safety -- democracy done right -- is still strong.  But there are times when I notice myself turning away from the news, skipping articles and stories that I previously would have read, in favor of obsessively watching old episodes of Outlander to calm my fraying nerves.  We are all fatigued.  We all need a break from the daily gaslighting, lying, evil-doing, and selfishness of this authoritarian- loving and -leaning president and his apologists and supporters.  Sigh.

What to do?  2020 is the election year we've all be waiting for.  The Democratic field started huge and hugely diverse with the white guys sharing time and space with women and people of color.  Well, naturally, we are down to the front runners being three white guys and a white women.  I confess to jumping all over the place in who I most support, but at no time have I been truly excited about any of these left standing.  So the nominee will be vastly better than what we have, but not as good as we could have had, in my judgement.  I'm a bit bummed about that.  Still, this is the year we roll up our sleeves and get to work!  (That pep talk feels false right now; I just want to go back to Outlander.)

I think that is part of the plan of the current Administration -- to wear us out, wear us down, create a feeling of overwhelm,  hopelessness, distraction, and exhaustion.  It's easier to have their way with a meek and downtrodden populace.  History shows this to be true.

So I will rally my energy!  I will join groups that keep me motivated and I will admit my dismay and keep going anyway.  I will end this blog post and call my Senators and Representatives urging them to stop the march toward war and to insist on a fair and lawful Senate impeachment trial, because too many fought and died for this country's vision, too many voiceless need my voice, because I can't live with myself if I don't do something.

Are you depressed by this post?  Me too.  The antidote is action.  Let's go!

At least, that's the view from here...©

JANUARY MISH MASH

Well. Happy New Year!  Yes, I'm a bit late with that greeting.  If January is any indication, 2019 will rocket by at lightening speed.  I may get two or three blog posts written, but don't hold your breath.  The days disappear in a cloud of good intentions.  Here's what's up:

NEW YEAR'S EVE: Hub and I used to throw big New Year's Eve parties.  A raucous racket would emanate from our upper porch as noise makers and cheers of 20-30 jubilant souls joined the fireworks on the horizon to greet the new year with friends and family.  This year the two of us huddled together quietly, kissed another year out and new one in, and watched the Space Needle fireworks on TV.  Ho Hum Perfect.

BUM KNEE:  Then Hub left on a 2-week Idaho snowboarding vacation.  Well, almost two weeks.  All went well the first week, but the second was a struggle as his bone-on-bone knee (and nearly as bad shoulder) finally, after years of nursing it along with cortisone injections, gave out.  He limped home three days early, sad, sore, and resigned to the fact that this is the year for a new knee.  He knows this is the end of his most joyful obsession -- screaming down Double Diamond Black Runs plowing through the glades of fresh powder with wild abandon.  The new knee will get him back on the mountain, but it won't hold up to the challenges he's enjoyed for the past 20 or so years.  (He didn't even take up snow sports until he was 45 years old!)  He'll be a "groomer" guy, which for him is a far distant second choice to his preferred boarding experience.  The past week has been a daily marathon of research and phone calls and setting up appointments for seeing knee replacement surgeons.  Onward.

FLIP THAT HOUSE: Son One and our DIL bought a new house.  Well, not brand new.  Old, actually.  A little fixer-upper.  Son One decided to use the slow season of the painting business to take the risk of diving into something he's wanted to do for a long time -- flip houses.   I was immediately nervous, being of the worry-wart persuasion.  I "what-if'd" the decision to death, but I'm learning again that my cautious nature isn't shared by all and seeing his excitement, determination, and happiness are worth a little sleeplessness on my part.  It's not my problem, none of it!  He's all grown up and my role is to cheerlead him on.  I'm so proud of all he's accomplished in less than a month.  Plus, BIG BONUS!  The house is right here in our neighborhood.  I can see it from my upstairs porch!  I take him Starbucks mochas and check in on the progress a couple times a week.  Hub has assisted with hanging doors and making dump runs to haul away the demo debris.  We are having fun feeling part of Son One's work life and he seems to enjoy our support and company.  So many unanticipated rewards from this endeavor so far.

WEDDING BELLS: Son Two and his fiancé are full-steam ahead with wedding planning.  Engaged in October, they initially said there was "no hurry".  But once a date was set (May 2020) things clicked into high gear as the wedding machine fired up.  They are planning a big, traditional (by today's millennial standards) wedding and that means booking a venue over a year in advance, beginning to go to catering "tastings", thinking about photographers, flowers, cakes, DJs, hotel room blocks for out of town guests, wedding gowns, etc etc etc etc.  I am not a fan of the hoopla that has become the modern wedding and I am appalled at the expense.  I have not been quiet about this opinion, but I was taken down a notch by my son who sat me down just last night and told me to knock it off.  They'd just had the same conversation with his finance's parents, who feel similarly to Hub and me. (We hosted a brunch for the combined families last Sunday, while the 'in-laws' were in town from California.)  It's a delicate dance, to try to counsel "the kids" to reign it in, but also to want them to have the day they want.  We parents don't hold all the purse strings, so really, it's none of our business.  I just have an opinion -- that I will now keep to myself.  Again, my job is to cheerlead my adult son, just like I am doing for his brother.  Plus, it will be a hell of a party and really all I have to do is show up.

ART STUDIO: We've seen a lot of the grand girls lately too.  Our eldest at 9 has grown frustrated with her little almost 4 year old sister for getting into all her things and "messing everything up".  She's very organized and likes to keep her art supplies, especially, organized.  They share space at home and here in the "Girls Room", a bedroom  I converted for them as a play space.  But I understand that at her age, she wants a room of her own.  So, Hub and I cleared out a nook in our lower level that had become a messy catch-all storage area.  It is now our gal's "Studio" and her sister doesn't even know it exists because she's afraid to go down to the dark lower level!  Sneaky, perhaps, but big sis is delighted and we had such fun together shopping and setting it all up.  Today, a school friend is coming over for a playdate and they are thrilled to be able to hang out in the Studio.

SWEETNESS: Little Sis was here was us earlier this week too.  She spent the majority of the time "cleaning" my kitchen sink and countertop, going through about half the bottle of my new lemon-scented hand soap in the process, as well as creating a few floods.  Well worth it, I say, to see her so happily engaged in "helping" grandma.  We also talked and laughed and sang songs and danced; had snacks and drew pictures.  At one point she stopped in mid-activity looked at me and said, "I just love coming to Grandma and Papa's house!"  Be still my heart.

STEPPING BACK: I've written about The Tribe previously, our group of 12 friends who gather monthly for socializing and a sharing circle, where we explore who and why we are the way we are and find insight, support, and challenge for growing in introspection and connection.  This group celebrated its 3rd anniversary this month with our annual review of how things are going.  Hub and I have facilitated this group for the whole three years, but announced that we are stepping back from that role now. It was a huge decision to make; many, many conversations and deliberations ensued. Our decision will change the focus and dynamics of the group, I'm sure.  We are excited not to have the responsibility, and a little concerned that the personal growth focus may fade away, which would be hard since that's so important to us.  But we are open to learning from others and experiencing what they will bring to the group.  Change is difficult...and exhilarating.

LECTURE SERIES:  Along with two friends, I'm attending a weekly lecture series at the University of Washington entitled, "How to Beat and American Demagogue".  The lecturer is fabulous -- knowledgeable, motivating, inspiring.  I appreciate the historical perspective of the rise in demagogues over time, how we got here at this point in history, and what we can do about it.  Gearing up for 2020!

YOGA TEACHER TRAINING: The other big event of this month was me starting my 200 hour yoga teacher training.  I've written about this in the yoga blog https://circlingthemat.blogspot.com 
It's a weekend "intensive" consisting of Thursday night, all day Friday, Saturday, and Sunday one weekend a month for 6 months, culminating in a 5 day mountain retreat in July.  Plus, there is homework.  I won't repeat details here (read the yoga blog!), but I will say it has taken up a lot of psychic space if not actual time.  I haven't done homework in like 35 years, nor really had to study an unfamiliar subject in about that long.  I'm hoping this is growing new neurons by leaps and bounds, staving off dementia a little longer.

CATARACT: Speaking of older person issues, I also was diagnosed with a cataract this month.  Vision is cloudy in one eye and night driving more challenging.  Surgery is on the horizon, but not until yoga training is over because the recovery protocol prevents me from bending over!  I've got Downward Facing Dogs to do!

I could have written a detailed blog post about any one of those topics, but the pace of life has been such that these brief summaries will have to do for now.  Hopefully I'll find my writing rhythm soon and be back to more regular postings.  For now, I feel I'm caught in a whirlwind of change -- stressful and joyful change.

At least, that's the view from here....©

REMINDER: SAY NO

Taking a break for a minute from travel reporting to ponder what commitment means.

This is the Last Weekend before the mid-term election.  We've been waiting two very long and troubling years for this shot at a do-over.  Of course, the presidency isn't at stake, but we have a chance at electing a Congress that might do its checks and balances job if the Dems succeed in winning one or both of the Houses.  Big governors races and state house races hang in the balance too.  It all matters.

Hub and I and a partial handful close friends have been in total immersion for the past two years, worrying about, working on, and committing significant time to political actions.  We are all tired.  We all need a break.

But Hub is out right now in the pouring rain canvassing again, as he's done nearly every day for the past month (and before that gathering signatures all summer!), to try to pass a state-wide initiative to place a carbon fee on big polluters to fund clean energy development.   I got trained to do Canvass Training for volunteer canvassers and we opened our home to be a Pop-Up Canvassing location every weekday afternoon and twice on Saturdays and Sundays.  People were to sign up, come to be trained, pick up materials, and go out doorbelling.

We've had only a handful of sign-ups, three active canvassers, and a couple of no-shows -- one guy signed up three times and no-showed every time, even though Hub called to confirm with him and he assured us he'd be here.  It's been frustrating, sitting here waiting for our canvassers to show up, training materials at the ready.  But we were here because we said we'd be here.  We cancelled plans, altered our schedules.  Hub went out alone every day, because he'd made a commitment to the campaign...and to himself.

We did all of this because we'd made a commitment to do so.  I made the commitment to people who were counting on me to follow through on what I said I'd do.  I made a commitment to myself to do all I could, and that commitment has resulted in lots of self-judgment today.  Did I REALLY do all I could?

Commitment.  I take that word so seriously that oftentimes it's to my detriment.  My commitments have too often become burdens.  I notice how others carry their commitments. They either never commit to anything or keep their options open with a non-committal "maybe".  Some commit then bail out without a backward glance or second thought.  I've been very judgmental of people like this.

I found myself in tears earlier today because I feel like I'm failing at the mid-term Finish Line because of how much I hate phone banking, but know I should do it.  I think of all the ways in which I could have been more active, more effective than being the Queen of FB posts trying to provide information and motivation for others to take actions too.  I donated money.  I wrote over 200 postcards to likely Democratic voters on behalf of candidates all over the country.  I attended meetings, and trainings, and rallies.  I wrote a letter to the editor (because I said I would when asked at a training) and edited Hub's Guest Commentary for the local paper.  I prepared materials for canvassing and wrote personal emails to 60 friends to urge them to vote for our initiative.  But today I trouble myself that I only did the easy stuff; I didn't challenge myself enough -- didn't do the dreaded doorbell or phone call thing on behalf of candidates I support.

My new commitment after the election Tuesday is to make no ongoing commitments beyond self-care.  I'm committing to my yoga class and a few strength classes at the Y.  I've got a doctor's appointment and I plan to get a massage.  I'll make coffee dates with friends, but only a day or two in advance.  For the foreseeable future I want everything on my calendar to be able to be changed if I change my mind.

I need to take a break from commitment as burden.  I know I sound like a bit of a whiner here.  Not intended.  What I really feel is the lifting of a weight.

There are unexpected lessons in everything we do.  I have killed myself by degrees with commitments for years -- to family, work, church, "causes", groups, and yes, politics at various times.  I commit to one thing and that leads to dozens more things in service to doing my best by the one thing I committed to; if my commitment to the one thing is to be meaningful and complete.

The past two years of trying to rally the troops, to create Resistance/Support groups, to motivate, to act on an obsessive need to do something in the face of what I consider to be an unfettered slide into authoritarianism has been frustrating.  I've not been able to understand how others can just go on with their lives as if nothing awful is happening, even when they agree it is awful.  But I want to slow down and try to get it.  Slow down and watch how others manage their lives with more ease.  I might learn from them to take commitment much, much more lightly.

If anything, I know I need to set a boundary for myself.  I need a "safe word".  I think that word will be NO.  I'll let you know how it goes.....if I feel like it. 😉

At least, that's the view from here...©

ADDENDUM:  OK.  I didn't mean this post to be a cry for advice, attention, affirmation, or encouragement.  But that's what I got from some quarters, so thanks, but really what I was trying to convey was my own inability to hold a healthy boundary and by sharing that, perhaps others could relate and not feel so crazy out there.  That's mostly what I hope the blog will create -- connection and commonality around the human condition.

Also, we lost the Initiative campaign and I cried for 24 hours and ranted about stupid people and lamented that not enough people cared to help us...blah blah blah.  But we will not give up.  Also the Blue Wave continues to crest as late vote counts are tallied and while some major races were losses (Beto -- see you in 2020), Dems handily won back the House (with a huge influx of women and people of color) and I cannot wait until January when checks and balances return to our government.  Hey, current president....Winter is Coming!