WANING DAYS OF SUMMER/A SPECIAL BIRTHDAY

Tail end of August and it's in the air....summer's end.  Here in the PNW the daylight stays so long by the summer Solstice that it feels like night barely arrives before the sun reappears.  I love it with all my heart and my FB feed is full of photos to prove it:  Sunlight peeking over the eastern mountains at 4 a.m.; Light in the western sky  lingering until 10:30 p.m.  I can't resist recording and posting these every year as if that miracle will never happen again.  But it does...

Except during smoke season.  Yes, again this summer we had several days of smoky skies from wildfires in the western states, blotting out the sun and blanketing us in choking unhealthy air, keeping us locked inside sitting next to our air purifiers, sweltering in a record heat wave as well.

And now, on the cusp of September, the long days of light are growing precipitously shorter evidenced by my need, already, to twice set my lamp auto-timers to come on earlier in the evening and set them to also come on in the early morning hours when I'm up but the sun isn't.  And today it's overcast and cool -- high of 62 after yesterday's sunny and 75.  Brushing against the kitchen radiator tells me it even got cold enough last night to trigger the furnace to put out a teeny bit of heat.

But September here is usually beautiful, so I hold out hope for a few more weeks of outdoor activity (so much weeding and pruning and "putting the garden to bed" to do!)  And we have birthdays!  Son One has a BD mid-September, but he's a grown up and we've long since stopped having a pinata party for him.  In fact, we have plans to be on a trip to Lake Tahoe that week. (If it hasn't burned to the ground and the smoke doesn't linger...keeping a close eye on that tragedy and ready for a last minute cancellation.  Isn't that life these days?  Planning is a throwback to more settled times.  Everything is subject to change.  Practicing non-attachment -- so Buddhist!)

The BIG birthday this month is our older granddaughter's.  She will be 12 and entering middle school.  She has decided it's time to leave little girl things behind.  She made a list of "room make-over" items she's been dreaming about, along with detailed sketches of how she wants her room to be arranged.  She shared all this with me a couple weeks ago, sort of "hoping" she might get some of this for her BD since it's really all she wants.  This is a girl who barely asks for anything!  She is so cost-conscious, refuses most offers to buy her things, never wants to impose or interfere or frustrate, feels that asking for things for herself is selfish...we are working on her self-esteem around this and trying to help her see she is deserving of getting some of what she wants and it's not selfish to ask -- or to accept a gift.  

She had every specific item she's been pining over already on an Amazon or Target shopping list and I asked her to show me.  We spent hours talking about it all and why she wants it, likes it, how it makes her feel to have these modest things.  The biggie is a new bed frame and a closet organizer, getting rid of her hand-me-down mismatched furnishings.  The rest is basically "decor".  

I found myself recalling my own longing around her age to create my own space.  Girls this age find in their rooms a refuge, a place to dream, and learn, and think, and create. She will retreat there in the coming years to process the new stresses and joys of teen life; it would be lovely, I thought, to make this space she longs for happen.

So, I got the rest of the family together to explain the plan I'd hatched to give the room a make-over with everyone pitching in financially to make it happen.  I just spent the past hour placing orders, arranging deliveries, figuring out which items are 'in person' purchases, making sure Hub is around for the "some assembly required" items.  My son and DIL are thrilled with the idea and will get her other gifts.  Son Two and DIL won't have to guess what she might like.  And I get the absolute joy of working with my granddaughter to make this happen.  She is soooo excited and happy and incredibly thankful.  Her attitude of gratefulness and never taking any of this for granted makes it an even more beautiful experience.  When I told her the plan, tears were shed -- by both of us.

So, as summer winds down, I find myself in a familiar place of side-by-side sadness and joy. 

We are back to masking indoors and gathering mostly outdoors with family and friends until we can get the vaccine booster.  Delta Variant is no joke and breakthrough Covid is rising in our county.  Anti maskers and anti vaxxers are growing more militant and violent, taking over school board meetings to protest masks as kids go back to school.  Climate change continues to wreck havoc with fires and hurricanes and floods.  The end of U.S. involvement in Afghanistan has brought chaos and death, as well as the biggest, most successful airlift in history of people exiting that country.  

AND among my family and friends, we are healthy and all in agreement about vaccines and politics.  We know we have to mitigate the effects of climate change and we are making plans on many fronts, including keeping travel plans flexible.  Hub is working tirelessly on his various climate change related groups and committees.  We are doing what we can.  Amidst the world's woes we often come to a place of micro-focusing on what we can do now to create a life that is one of generosity and love for those around us.  A new bedroom for a very sweet and deserving girl is top of the list this month.  I can't wait to see it!

At least, that's the view from here...©

COVID AND KARMA

Turns out I don't have Covid after all.  I sort of knew that.  But sheesh!  I was unusually tired and lethargic all week; had a sore-ish scratchy throat; felt a bit "feverish" even if my thermometer registered normal (could have been broken!); seemed lost in a brain fog and had zero interest in doing anything I'd normally enjoy or at least need to do; thought I felt a certain heaviness in the chest and maybe was a tad short of breath walking up my two flights of stairs.  (I checked my pulse ox -- normal, but again, those instruments can fail!)  I felt like a slug; a nervous, depressed, frightened, slow-crawling slug--as if someone with a salt shaker was about to unload on me.  (Don't have slugs where you live?  Salt kills, like Covid.)

While my granddaughter was here during the day last week, I pushed through and found relief from perseverating on the fact that I likely had deadly Delta-variant Covid, and we actually had a great time!  I didn't feel awful, just a little "off".  But as soon as she went home at dinnertime, I was back to being Sad Me, Sick Me, convinced I had caught The Covid somewhere while my guard was down.  Was it being told that our unvaccinated recent visitor was likely fine since she gets her antibodies tested monthly?  Was it being back to normal with my not-that-cautious extended family, maskless and huggy?  Was it my lax hand-washing?  So, to make absolutely sure, I went and had a Covid test on Thursday. Negative result came today. 

In the meantime I had figured out that my symptoms were psychologically-induced physical manifestations of my mental illness (wow, that diagnosis sounds bigger than what it feels like to me, but let's be honest, I guess.)  Turns out it was that I was missing the familiar energy drain of The Twins, who showed up rather unexpectedly:  Anxiety and Depression.  It's been awhile.  I didn't recognize them.  But the "I hate me" tears and lack of focus/energy/interest along with the absolute certainty of impending death should have tipped me off.

I'm just happy The Twins don't come 'round much anymore as I've gained some pretty great tools and remedies to either ward them off or stop them from moving in:  mindfulness, breathing, introspection, self-compassion, and just the history of knowing they are out there, they might stop by, but they won't stay.  These days, once they are in the door (sneaky bastards know the alarm code), I frown and say, "WTF? You again?"  Eventually I ask them what they are trying to teach me,  then I take a few days for the lesson to materialize, then take another few days to get its meaning.  Then I kick them to the curb, watching them slink away.  Buh-bye!  

Today I feel back to my perky self.  OK, not perky exactly but not bereft, like lyrics from the song by AJR that my granddaughter recently introduced me to:  🎶"I ain't happy yet, but I'm way less sad." 🎶 

I can tell I feel better because I have about a dozen things on my Sunday to-do list and this blog post isn't one of them, so perhaps I'm a little manic in my perceived ability to over-achieve.  Actually I realize this burst of energy is just relief and gratitude and if I don't get everything accomplished, well, there's always tomorrow.  

#1 on the list is getting off the sofa.  I've let my daily walks go, have only practiced yoga once this week, and again ignored my promise to myself to start weight training.  Today is rainy and chilly so I'll stream into Pod Save America on YouTube and watch that while I hit the treadmill.  Then switch over to Silver Sneakers on YouTube for a weights class.  So tech!

#2 is catching up with the webinar classes I've bought and paid for and never watched:  Yoga Lineages and Neuro-Dharma, both of which I'm totally psyched to watch but instead do other things because I want to dedicate a half day to them.  Well, that's not going to happen.  Just start.  

#3 is baking an Asian pear crisp.  Son One has an Asian pear tree in his yard that is absolutely laden with fruit!  I found a recipe that has an interesting-sounding ingredient list for the topping that calls for almond flour.  So, normally I'd go to the Food Co-op to buy some. But no!!!  I'm grinding my own with my new VitaMix grain attachment!  Put the nuts in and voila! Flour!  

If I really did have Covid, of course, I'd not be doing any of this.  I'd just continue to read Thich Nhat Hanh's book, "Fear", which is really, really good.  I had forgotten how calming Buddhism can be.  All we really have is our Karma.  Aging, illness, death, and loss are all just the temporary conditions of our human reality.  We are left with what we think, say, and do while we are here and those consequences, both positive and negative, will play out in the next go-round.  This is what The Twins came to tell me too, so I ordered the book. Because Thich Nhat Hanh is a much gentler and more compassionate teacher.  He says, breathe and be present; do not worry or strive or look for escape -- everything, including you, is perfect in the Now.  The Twins shout, "Get your shit together or die, you worthless idiot."  Same ultimate message, different approach.

At least, that's the view from here...©

WHAT'S NEW?!?

It's not "writer's block" exactly.  It's more like inertia and procrastination.  I have plenty that I could write about, but sitting down to do it seems, well, daunting.  And I realize I have about six readers on a good day, so this also seems an exercise in self-talk a lot of the time.  But for we six...here I am!  (Note:  my 11 y/o granddaughter read the post I wrote awhile back about us pup-sitting for their dog and I was quite delighted!  I'm glad I got to know a family member read one of these blog posts before I die.  I'm putting it in my Will that they get no inheritance until they can prove to our executor that they've read every word of the hard copy books I've created of my blogs for 9 years now...I expect there will be many more books to read before they head to the bank. LOL)

Well, let's see.  Let's do a "Headline News" post version for today, from National to Personal.

POLITICS:  We are still dealing with the ridiculousness of outrageous conspiracy theories from the Right.  Politically, they are still insisting the previous president won the 2020 election and only is it due to illegal voter fraud that President Biden is in the Oval Office. (Unproven, in spite of repeated recounts in all states.) This drivel is spouted constantly by the previous president and his corrupt and "it would be funny if it wasn't so scary" GOP cronies in elected office in the state and U.S. legislatures.  It's tiring and embarrassing to think about what the rest of the world must be thinking about this great Democracy of ours.  Duh. 

Also voter suppression laws are being enacted in multiple states to ensure that voting is very, very hard especially for Democratic leaning people of color and urban areas of Red states.  A new wave of gerrymandering is upon us with the release of new census data showing the rise of people of color as percentage of our U.S. population.  (The Republicans really do know they lost, so they are cheating best they can to make sure that never happens again!) The For the People Act to counter this is being held up in the US Senate because two recalcitrant Democrats believe they can get bipartisan support for compromised Voting Rights bills and will not suspend the filibuster rules to pass the legislation.  This is especially galling.  Let the GOP use their racially-motivated cruelty to block democracy-ensuring laws, but geez, it's annoying to have Dems joining them with some Quixotic quest for bipartisanship that will NEVER happen!

COVID:  Things have gotten very, very bad...again.  Speaking of stubborn.  A large swath of the population still REFUSES to get vaccinated for all kinds of ridiculous reasons -- chips are being implanted, "you can't make me" personal freedom screeds, impotence and infertility misinformation, human genetic manipulation conspiracies, and just political Us vs Them-ism as the Right will not do anything to please the Left/Educated Elites/Deep State manipulators even if it kills them, which it is. It is beyond infuriating since now ALL OF US ARE AT RISK AGAIN!  

The Delta Variant of Covid 19 is running rampant amongst the unvaccinated and hospitals in some areas are at the breaking point, unable to admit anymore patients for Covid or anything else requiring ICU care (like your run-of-the-mill heart attack, stroke, accident, etc).  Mississippi has called in help from the Feds, which is rich since that state and plenty of others with a big crisis on their hands have been among the most resistant to taking any action to stem the tide of Covid (no masks, no distancing, no vaccs).  All of this is resulting in spikes of cases among the unvaccinated that now threaten we vaccinated folks as well, as Delta seems to be perfectly capable of also infecting us, even if we don't get as sick or die.  We still can pass it on, say, to vulnerable immunocompromised folks or kids under 12 who cannot get the vaccine.  So we are back to mask mandates and distancing in public.  Damn!

CLIMATE:  It's smoke season.  August is our hottest and driest month here and for several years now it's also our smokiest.  Wildfires throughout the western U.S. and Canada burn for weeks, acre upon acre, creating a smoke cover that, depending on which way the wind blows, blankets us in yellow eye-watering, throat-clearing, hacking and coughing smog for days on end.  We monitor air quality apps on our phones and heed warnings to stay inside, windows closed to avoid breathing the particulate matter toxic brew into our lungs.  It was 88 degrees in our bedroom when we went to bed last night after a day of 90-degree heat and no windows or doors to open.  We had floor and ceiling fans going but mostly they just blew hot air at us.  The air purifiers were working overtime inside, but outside our patio table showed evidence of "dust" collecting rapidly as invisible debris fell from the sky. We hope for relief in a couple of days as cooler, wetter weather comes in from the ocean.

MARRIAGE:  On a happier note, Hub and I celebrated our 49th wedding anniversary in July.  We went to a waterfront resort we love about an hour north of us and did lots of walking, talking, sightseeing, and kayaking.  We had a great time!  A couple weeks later we took a camping trip, together!, to Mt. Rainier. (I have not gone camping with Hub for 4 years for many reasons, but I decided it was time to get back on that horse. LOL) We hiked for three days in a row covering 30 some miles.  Blue skies, beautiful scenery, comfy camper.  

We talked about how we want to acknowledge and celebrate our 50th next year and I declared I will NOT consent to a "corsage and sheet cake reception" in some church basement or rented community room at the park district.  Not my style.  So, I hit upon this idea and Hub enthusiastically agreed:  We are going to create "anniversary-designated events" that will happen periodically (as the spirit moves) over the next 18 months -- the rest of 2021 and all of 2022.  These events will have some meaning to us -- revisting places, people, and activities that we have loved over the years of our lives together.  Because why not really celebrate?!?  

We met when we were 17 and 18; we are now 70 and 71.  There have been numerous times one would have thought we'd never last. But we did and not with gritted teeth (much) but with hope and work and determination and respect and love.  It has never been effortless, even up to this day.  But it has been wondrous in how we've gone through so many changes in our individual lives and have still managed to keep our marriage together and grow far beyond our wildest imaginings.  We are closer and happier now than ever.  We are proud of this.  So, let's party!  For a year and a half! 

YOGA BIZ:  I'll end with this.  I don't think I've blogged about teaching yoga.  Two years ago I completed my 200 hr yoga teacher training, never really thinking I'd teach, but just to deepen my own practice.  Lo and behold, last November I started leading a 30 minute meditation and gentle upper body movement session for Zoom friends monthly.  Then in January I started teaching this group an hour-long weekly yoga class also via Zoom.  We've taken the summer off, which has allowed me time to truly dive into this endeavor.  I've obtained a business license, come up with a name, created a logo, taken classes in various teaching modalities, and am ready to come back in September to a group of students who seem to like what I offer, which is "yoga for the physically hesitant"; for those who say "I can't do yoga"; for those who are new to it; who have limited mobility; who need a gentle, mostly seated practice with no getting down on the floor if they don't want to. There's lots of meditation and calming breathing thrown into the mix, as well as positive encouragement and personal attention.  I'm excited and grateful for this chance to share the benefits of a yoga practice, especially for those who say they "can't".  Yes, you can! 

At least, that's the view from here...©

Photo Credit: pixabay.com