NEW YEAR UPDATES

At the end of every of the 11 years I've been doing this blog, I send it off to "Blog-2-Print" to have the year's posts turned into a hard copy book.  I love the feeling of holding my writings in my hands.  My deepest wish is that someday my family will discover them on my bookshelf and take a look at my life as I wrote it in these posts.  Maybe the grandkids will like them?  Well, I like them. LOL

Paging through the book that arrived yesterday I saw clearly there was a theme to my 2023.  It was a mixture of challenge, letting go, learning, embracing, growing, changing.  Every year is like that but 2023 was more so for me.  

My struggle with wanting to be connected in a certain way with family and friends got less struggle-y.  The lesson that has been front and center in so many ways for so many years finally sunk in.  I cannot change anyone to make them be "better" for themselves, or a better fit for me.  And more importantly I cannot, nor do I want to, change myself to be a better fit for anyone else.  I tried.  God knows, I tried.  

Connections will happen as they will.  No amount of hoping and trying to mold things the way I'd prefer will work.  I let go.  I let go of expectations of others and let go even of parts of myself. I let go with sadness, with resignation, and with great relief.  I put those psychology/relationship self-help books away (as I wrote about in a previous post from last year) and never got them out again.  

Instead of trying to understand and anticipate and mitigate every event/emotion/turmoil, I've turned to accepting as best I can (work in progress) whatever is unfolding right now in the present moment...and be open to whatever comes in the the future with the phrase, "Oh.  So this is what happens next."  Deep gratitude to my gentle, brilliant yoga teacher for this teaching, as well as for Michael Singer's work in the "Untethered Soul" and "Living Untethered".  Also meditation and its many teachers whose words have resonated with me.

I wrote about taking solo trips.  I did that.  I didn't really like it.  I was trying to put myself out in the world as a person who might learn to love traveling in solitude and discover an independence of spirit I doubted I had.  I don't like being alone in the world and I'm plenty independent in many ways.  I don't need to be in that way too.  I love sharing fun experiences, new discoveries, and quiet joys with others, especially Hub.  He's the one who likes to go away alone or with his friends, or be home alone at times, and I tried to learn to accept and appreciate that for myself too.  It didn't work.  I dislike being home alone for days on end.  And I won't travel alone so often again. Maybe sometimes for some specific reason, but not as a deep desire in general.

But, as you may recall from a post from last year, since I don't go away I tried to give Hub more private space at home. I decided we should spend one day/night apart each week.  So we re-did our old guest room to be "my" bedroom space. That didn't work either.  He was never totally keen on the idea and it only lasted three tries for me to realize I felt resentful of my own idea!  If he wants time away from me, he will have to find it elsewhere.  This is my home, all of it, all of the time.  But I do absolutely LOVE the bedroom I created!  I gaze through the door as I walk past and occasionally lie on the bed to read.  The whole sort of boho vibe fills me with joy and delight.  

As does the other bedroom (these were the ones where I wrote about pulling carpet staples and wrecking my hip) which I turned into a creative working space. This room also delights me because it encourages me to think of myself as creative, a label I've never fully owned.  I loved choosing inspiring bright decor and making space for making creative messes, mostly with fabric and yarn.

I also love it because of the hours and hours I spend there with my almost 9 year old granddaughter.  I'm teaching her to sew and imparting stories of women in the family who have gone before who were also seamstresses.  She likes hearing about her great-great grandma (my grandmother) who was a dressmaker with her own shop.  She likes hearing about her great grandma (my mom) who sewed all her own clothing as a teenager, winning prizes at the County Fair, and who sewed upholstery, draperies, curtains, and all of my clothing when I was young.  She likes hearing that her 2nd cousin (my niece) sewed and embroidered professionally, selling her wares in gift shops and online And then there's me -- probably the least skilled but most appreciative of this talent -- now teaching her the basic skills.  I supervised her as she machine-sewed little sachet pillows for everyone in the family as Christmas gifts.  She was so proud!

I also wrote about flirting with becoming an aquarium hobbiest.  I did.  My little ten gallon tank has been stocked since last July and is thriving.  I learned a lot; I'm still learning.  I've loved creating not just something pleasant to look at, but something that has it's own ecosystem -- full of live plants, surprise snails and ride-along shrimp (they all came on a new plant purchase) and little schools of Harlequin Rasboras and False Julii Corys that seem to be doing their fish thing without much intervention on my part.  With warmth, light, food, greenery, friends, and a caring presence to keep it all in balance, life in that aquatic world is good.  

May your life be as peaceful in your own little ecosystem in 2024.

Happy New Year...here we go again!

At least, that's the view from here...©

(Keep scrolling for room photos which don't format well, so sorry about that.)

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2022 - RUN TOWARD THE ROAR

It's raining.  Not startling news for a Pacific Northwest January.  But it's welcomed by me today as the temperatures rise above freezing and nearly foot of snow covering our neighborhood finally begins to melt away.  The snow fell on Christmas night and all day the 26th, about 7 inches, then a couple days later another 3-4 inches and the temperatures stayed in the teens and 20's for the duration -- actually the longest stretch of below freezing temps in 23 years.  Not typical.  But it was beautiful, even if I decided to stay in where it was warm (not a fan of being cold) and did not brave driving on hills.

But today I'm glad for the rain because I had to go get a Covid test, pre-colonoscopy.  Yes; I really know how to start the New Year in a sparkly manner!  Colonoscopy on Tuesday morning means I am forbidden to eat anything but a clear liquid diet starting Monday morning.  Hello chicken broth, jello, and laxative-laced Gatorade!  This. Is. Not. Fun.  But since this torture only happens every 10 years, my doc tells me this will likely be my last colonoscopy procedure unless they find something startling.  So, that's good, I guess. After 80 years old they must just figure, well, why bother?  Which I do take exception with, so we will see.  Anyway...

There was a long line for the drive-through Covid test.  I'm not surprised.  Here's some jolly New Year news:  We are in the midst of a dramatic upturn in Covid 19 cases due to the super contagious "Omicron" variant's spread.  Hub and I and our family are vaccinated, even the kids, and boosted.  We thought we'd all be fine.  But this one can also attack those who are immunized, as it did one family member after a Christmas gathering.  The vaccinated who contract it likely won't get super sick, or end up in the ICU, or die as is happening at an alarming rate among the unvaccinated.  But we could still contract the virus, test positive, and develop symptoms that do not go away -- loss of taste and smell, debilitating fatigue, brain fog -- the "long-haul Covid" we are learning about as the virus settles into infected bodies and hangs around.

So Hub and I are hunkered down again doing a semi- self-quarantine for what we hope is relatively short duration until this spike goes back down to the "new normal" of acceptable risk. (Ask me how enraged I am at those millions in the U.S. who are anti-vaxxers and continue to allow this virus to spread, even at their own peril, with new more resistant variants popping up routinely!  Grrrr.)   I am not seeing anyone in person; Hub is doing at home rapid response tests before and after his snowboarding trips with close friends.  We are taking a break from family gatherings.  I love you friends.  I love you family.  But I don't want your Covid.  Back to Zoom.

On a happier health note.  I'VE LOST 15 POUNDS!  I was going to wait to announce this until I dropped 5 more to reach my new goal weight (after 15, I adjusted downward another 5.)   I truly don't think it should have taken me so long to lose a measly 15 pounds.  Some people can do that in very short order, but maybe because I didn't have a lot to lose, relatively speaking, to be at a healthier, height-appropriate weight it came off slowly?  I don't know.  I should be a weight loss biochemistry wizard by now with all I've read, practiced, and learned.  But mostly I'm just following Noom (Google it if you are unfamiliar) and credit that program for being PERFECT for psychology-obsessed, introspection-compulsive me.  I love my Noom program, my Noom support group, my Noom group leader, but mostly the motivation I found there to get to a body weight that I have not seen in decades and which has allowed me to take the black shrouds off all my full-length mirrors.  Huzzah!  

So, the New Year has begun with lots of "new" on the horizon for me.  I'll dive into specifics as time goes on.  For now, I'm grateful to be feeling hopeful, curious, determined, and relatively at ease.  Mid-late December was a rough period when I mostly felt none of that, so January is starting out downright giddy.

I hope you too are grabbing January in a big bear hug.  We all have to embrace the joy when it comes.  God knows, challenges lie ahead.  Scary world, scary decisions, risk, and reward. But we got this.  Let's join hands, conjure up some courage, and run toward the roar!

At least, that's the view from here...©

THIS MOMENT

I've been waiting for a day of high spirits, quirky humor, elation, and excitement to sit down and write this end-of-year post.  This is literally the last day of 2020 and I've not yet found that combination of good cheer to end my blog this year.  So, here goes... 

2020 was hard.  HARD!  But I'm not one to wish for the rapid passage of time.  I see lots of people writing about relief that 2020 is soon behind us.  In my mind, in my life, not one thing will change from today to tomorrow.  "Years" are a human construct; the events of one year or another are just among other long chains of events over time.  It's the present moment that is real...nothing past (only a memory), nothing future (only a guess).  Right now.  Right now.  This is what we have.

I have had to remind myself of this over and over and over again to stay sane in this time of Covid-19.  Fear, anxiety, sadness, loneliness, disappointment, despair, anger, RAGE (I'm looking at you GOP), had to be tempered repeatedly with the mantra "this moment", "this moment", "this moment".  I'm not always successful.  Ask Hub how many times he's had to listen as I processed fear, bitterness, sadness, and despair amongst tears that would not abate.  

But with the passage of time and the determination not to succumb to Depression and Anxiety Demons, over this year (and the previous) I have worked through many of my old behavior patterns, have grown in who I am, strengthening my resilience muscles, trusting my inner wisdom, finding courageous independence, and acting on my own behalf.  I feel I'm no longer swayed in the winds, no longer afraid of invisible monsters (we are all living with one, and know how to keep it at bay!), no longer longing for relationships that cannot be the way I want them to be.  My biggest pandemic lesson -- LET GO!  Or better yet, LET BE!  Embrace me, honor myself, live as I want to live, set boundaries, ask for what I want (I may or may not get it);  but know others will not act upon love as I act upon love: everyone is different, everyone will live as they do, almost no one will do it as I'd prefer, at least as consistently. Let go of longing.  Let go of trying so damned hard.  And just let be what is.

I had hoped (see above) that even with the physical distance, I could somehow (I tried lots of things!) bring my family closer together; we'd check in on each other more often, no longer able to count on seeing each other for those weekly dinners, etc etc.  Nope.  I tried reaching out frequently -- sending messages of encouragement and dropping gifts at doorsteps or in the mail, setting up Zoom calls, creating backyard distanced picnics.  I rarely felt my efforts reciprocated.  Does this mean my family doesn't love me?  That's how it felt to me. I just didn't understand how others would not think to call or text me several times a week.  I have friends who hear from their adult children daily.  DAILY!  Not in this family.  I've done too good a job emptying the nest apparently. 

I know how deeply I'm loved by my sons and their wives, but I can't by force of will create conditions for them to reassure me of that or to want to share the daily details of their lives with me.  So, finally, I stopped.  I wish it was different.  It is not.  A wish is not reality; it is a grasping for what my mind tells me I want.   We share a FB family messenger page and occasional informational texts, very occasional outdoor get-togethers, and holiday Zoom meet-ups.  I received perfect heartfelt gifts for Christmas.  Those avenues have been fun, funny, interesting, satisfying...and I'm grateful for that.  

This is all hard to explain, but the bottom line is this:  Others will live as they do.  I can wish or I can accept.  I choose to accept.  I feel stronger, more independent, and far less sad and disappointed.  Every situation is a choice point.  In the past two years I've had hard choice points to face.  In my marriage I've had to choose to set boundaries, to trust, to let go of expectations, to allow.  In my extended family I've had to choose to hold fast to distancing from those I love in spite of the pain of doing so.  In my own life, I've chosen to explore my inner landscape and to challenge myself to take risks; to move toward willingness which gets me to "yes" more quickly than the "maybe" that kept me dithering with pro and con lists.  I've chosen, over and over, to embrace my life in a way I have not in the past.  It has been a sometimes painful time of transition for me to a stronger more independent and more confident Self.  Some may believe I was always there...they are wrong.  I feel the difference.

So, yes, a new calendar year is on the horizon.  I have no idea what it will hold for me/us.  I am hopeful that a new Administration can begin to rebuild our democracy, right some of the wrongs, bring compassion back to our public policy.  I am hopeful the vaccines for Covid-19 will begin to wrestle this monster to the ground and our lives can again include hugs with loved ones; I am most hopeful my granddaughters will be able to visit us/spend the night and that our previously close relationship will  grow ever closer with shared experiences again. I am hopeful I'll continue to be blessed with physical health, emotional stability, and psychological growth.  Every moment is a choice point: I choose hope. 

Yet still I know all I have is "this moment...this moment....this moment..."

At least, that's the view from here...©

Photo Credit: www.pixabay.com

YEAR-END REVIEW - OUT OF THE STORM, A RAINBOW

I'm seeing all the year-end, and decade-end, retrospectives coming out this week. As a documentarian and a sentimentalist, I love that stuff.  It's why I keep decades worth of old journals, both handwritten and electronic, and bins and files of photographs and a file drawer of basically old documents from various groups I've been involved with and greeting cards I've received.  I love seeing all those things that were (and many that remain) important to me, that formed my life, and contributed to who I am today.  So, in that spirit, let's run through the old-school hand-noted Day Planner for 2019, as I did last year, and choose some highlights:

January:  Hard.  Hard conversations with Hub.  Home alone for two weeks while he was away on the first of three annual monthly winter snowboard trips.  Started yoga teacher training and wondered if I had what it takes to keep going.  Came home from my first intensive training weekend exhausted, overwhelmed, in tears, unsure.  2019 did not start out so great.

February:  Snowpacalypse!  Record-setting snowfall in the lowlands while I was home alone again for a week during yoga teacher training weekend.  Big anxiety about ongoing relationship issues, driving in the slippery snow up hills, and the challenges of the training resulted in massive multi-day migraines.  Still, the kindness of one of our Yoga instructors saved me and others with an offer to spend the weekend at her amazingly artistic and nurturing home instead of braving the elements and barely passable roadways.  I survived!  And felt a growing connection to my sister yoginis.  A community was forming, born of hardship.

March:  Hub's last snowboard trip and finally feeling settled and excited about the Yoga Teacher Training.  Learning so much!  Then off to our annual Kauai vacation, where depression and exhilaration danced together in an odd off-kilter jig.  At least it was warm.

April:  Another week of migraines and from the looks of my calendar, a too-busy month with something scheduled every day.  But the end of the month took us to the Southeast to see friends near Charleston, South Carolina (where we lived for two years on a barrier island) and to Savannah, Georgia to see family.  Fun trip full of memories of times past.

May:  Hub's total knee replacement and difficulties navigating the caregiver/patient dynamics.  Glad for modern medicine, amazing technology, and Hub's ahead-of-schedule and better-than-most progress, likely at least partially due to his "I'll do it myself" insistence on independence during recovery.  I had to learn not to hover.

June:  A Girls Getaway to the ocean beach with friends.  Days of talk, laughter, ritual-making, and important insights.  The respite I needed under sunny skies and starlit nights, embraced in loving friendship.

July:  Migraines, GI issues, sadness.  I felt lousy a lot of the time early in the month.  I worried something was majorly wrong with me.  (Relieved to find there wasn't).  The end of yoga teacher training came late in the month with a 5-day learning retreat in the North Cascade mountains before a big graduation celebration.   The close bond we'd formed as a group left us all amazed and grateful.  After spending 200 hours together over 6 months of intensive learning and practice, it was both a relief and a bit sad to say goodbye to the experience...and to each other.

August:  We were off to Minneapolis for Al Gore's Climate Reality Leadership Team training. Discovered an unexpected fondness for Minneapolis (in the summer!)  and had fun exploring the city when not in sessions in a freezing hotel ballroom.  The majority of the month was very, very, very difficult.  Hub was gone for bit on an annual camping trip and then home to lots of very hard conversations that shook me to the core.  I didn't know I was capable of rage, but I am and it was cleansing.  Big learning in hard times.  Life-changing, actually.  I know myself and my limits and boundaries and strength in ways unknown before.  The tremors I'd been feeling between us for, well, quite a long while, finally shook my foundation.  It was no fun.

September:  Rebuilding.  Hub was away again to a favorite camping site for several days, then home to more relationship work, big epiphanies, intentional recommitment and reason for hope.  Forty-seven years into our marriage and this felt like a new beginning; a second honeymoon.  Gratitude and Grace abound.  Also a family trip to my great-niece's wedding in Scottsdale and late in the month a perfect trip for Hub and me to NYC.  Did I mention honeymoon? 😉

October:  Hub left with an adventurer friend for 3 weeks in Nepal, on a trip planned for months, to sightsee and also to visit the two students whose educations we have been sponsoring for 5 years.  Big Adventure!  Instead listening to me whine about staying home alone, my friends invited me to join them in Maui for 10 days where I soaked up all the warmth, sun, and silky warm waters I could before returning to the 'wet months' in the Pacific Northwest.

November:  Hub got home mid-month and we shifted into a very low gear, reconnecting and resting up for the holidays to come.

December:  And here we are.  (I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that the current president was impeached and that was awesome, but of course, not the end of his reign, yet.)

This has been the most mellow holiday season I can ever recall.  Family, friends, our annual seaside getaway, a couple of holiday outings....and all of it felt manageable and easy. 

The absolute highlight was shopping together for a modest, understated, but very lovely diamond wedding band -- a tangible reminder of what we'd come through this year resulting in a recommitment to our long marriage, promising to go forward with renewed intention, honesty, love, respect, and care.  When I look down at my hand and see that sparkle, I feel blessed beyond words.

It wasn't the easiest year, but a necessary one.  Into 2020 I take a revitalized marriage, my devotion to family, my treasured friends, memories of, and plans for more travels, a deep and joyful spiritual practice, and a determination to right the upside-down world of our national political landscape.  Into 2020 I take happiness, contentment, and optimism, which is such an unexpected blessing that I feel like I've had a personality transplant.  Well, I'll take it.

At least, that's the view from here...©

JANUARY MISH MASH

Well. Happy New Year!  Yes, I'm a bit late with that greeting.  If January is any indication, 2019 will rocket by at lightening speed.  I may get two or three blog posts written, but don't hold your breath.  The days disappear in a cloud of good intentions.  Here's what's up:

NEW YEAR'S EVE: Hub and I used to throw big New Year's Eve parties.  A raucous racket would emanate from our upper porch as noise makers and cheers of 20-30 jubilant souls joined the fireworks on the horizon to greet the new year with friends and family.  This year the two of us huddled together quietly, kissed another year out and new one in, and watched the Space Needle fireworks on TV.  Ho Hum Perfect.

BUM KNEE:  Then Hub left on a 2-week Idaho snowboarding vacation.  Well, almost two weeks.  All went well the first week, but the second was a struggle as his bone-on-bone knee (and nearly as bad shoulder) finally, after years of nursing it along with cortisone injections, gave out.  He limped home three days early, sad, sore, and resigned to the fact that this is the year for a new knee.  He knows this is the end of his most joyful obsession -- screaming down Double Diamond Black Runs plowing through the glades of fresh powder with wild abandon.  The new knee will get him back on the mountain, but it won't hold up to the challenges he's enjoyed for the past 20 or so years.  (He didn't even take up snow sports until he was 45 years old!)  He'll be a "groomer" guy, which for him is a far distant second choice to his preferred boarding experience.  The past week has been a daily marathon of research and phone calls and setting up appointments for seeing knee replacement surgeons.  Onward.

FLIP THAT HOUSE: Son One and our DIL bought a new house.  Well, not brand new.  Old, actually.  A little fixer-upper.  Son One decided to use the slow season of the painting business to take the risk of diving into something he's wanted to do for a long time -- flip houses.   I was immediately nervous, being of the worry-wart persuasion.  I "what-if'd" the decision to death, but I'm learning again that my cautious nature isn't shared by all and seeing his excitement, determination, and happiness are worth a little sleeplessness on my part.  It's not my problem, none of it!  He's all grown up and my role is to cheerlead him on.  I'm so proud of all he's accomplished in less than a month.  Plus, BIG BONUS!  The house is right here in our neighborhood.  I can see it from my upstairs porch!  I take him Starbucks mochas and check in on the progress a couple times a week.  Hub has assisted with hanging doors and making dump runs to haul away the demo debris.  We are having fun feeling part of Son One's work life and he seems to enjoy our support and company.  So many unanticipated rewards from this endeavor so far.

WEDDING BELLS: Son Two and his fiancé are full-steam ahead with wedding planning.  Engaged in October, they initially said there was "no hurry".  But once a date was set (May 2020) things clicked into high gear as the wedding machine fired up.  They are planning a big, traditional (by today's millennial standards) wedding and that means booking a venue over a year in advance, beginning to go to catering "tastings", thinking about photographers, flowers, cakes, DJs, hotel room blocks for out of town guests, wedding gowns, etc etc etc etc.  I am not a fan of the hoopla that has become the modern wedding and I am appalled at the expense.  I have not been quiet about this opinion, but I was taken down a notch by my son who sat me down just last night and told me to knock it off.  They'd just had the same conversation with his finance's parents, who feel similarly to Hub and me. (We hosted a brunch for the combined families last Sunday, while the 'in-laws' were in town from California.)  It's a delicate dance, to try to counsel "the kids" to reign it in, but also to want them to have the day they want.  We parents don't hold all the purse strings, so really, it's none of our business.  I just have an opinion -- that I will now keep to myself.  Again, my job is to cheerlead my adult son, just like I am doing for his brother.  Plus, it will be a hell of a party and really all I have to do is show up.

ART STUDIO: We've seen a lot of the grand girls lately too.  Our eldest at 9 has grown frustrated with her little almost 4 year old sister for getting into all her things and "messing everything up".  She's very organized and likes to keep her art supplies, especially, organized.  They share space at home and here in the "Girls Room", a bedroom  I converted for them as a play space.  But I understand that at her age, she wants a room of her own.  So, Hub and I cleared out a nook in our lower level that had become a messy catch-all storage area.  It is now our gal's "Studio" and her sister doesn't even know it exists because she's afraid to go down to the dark lower level!  Sneaky, perhaps, but big sis is delighted and we had such fun together shopping and setting it all up.  Today, a school friend is coming over for a playdate and they are thrilled to be able to hang out in the Studio.

SWEETNESS: Little Sis was here was us earlier this week too.  She spent the majority of the time "cleaning" my kitchen sink and countertop, going through about half the bottle of my new lemon-scented hand soap in the process, as well as creating a few floods.  Well worth it, I say, to see her so happily engaged in "helping" grandma.  We also talked and laughed and sang songs and danced; had snacks and drew pictures.  At one point she stopped in mid-activity looked at me and said, "I just love coming to Grandma and Papa's house!"  Be still my heart.

STEPPING BACK: I've written about The Tribe previously, our group of 12 friends who gather monthly for socializing and a sharing circle, where we explore who and why we are the way we are and find insight, support, and challenge for growing in introspection and connection.  This group celebrated its 3rd anniversary this month with our annual review of how things are going.  Hub and I have facilitated this group for the whole three years, but announced that we are stepping back from that role now. It was a huge decision to make; many, many conversations and deliberations ensued. Our decision will change the focus and dynamics of the group, I'm sure.  We are excited not to have the responsibility, and a little concerned that the personal growth focus may fade away, which would be hard since that's so important to us.  But we are open to learning from others and experiencing what they will bring to the group.  Change is difficult...and exhilarating.

LECTURE SERIES:  Along with two friends, I'm attending a weekly lecture series at the University of Washington entitled, "How to Beat and American Demagogue".  The lecturer is fabulous -- knowledgeable, motivating, inspiring.  I appreciate the historical perspective of the rise in demagogues over time, how we got here at this point in history, and what we can do about it.  Gearing up for 2020!

YOGA TEACHER TRAINING: The other big event of this month was me starting my 200 hour yoga teacher training.  I've written about this in the yoga blog https://circlingthemat.blogspot.com 
It's a weekend "intensive" consisting of Thursday night, all day Friday, Saturday, and Sunday one weekend a month for 6 months, culminating in a 5 day mountain retreat in July.  Plus, there is homework.  I won't repeat details here (read the yoga blog!), but I will say it has taken up a lot of psychic space if not actual time.  I haven't done homework in like 35 years, nor really had to study an unfamiliar subject in about that long.  I'm hoping this is growing new neurons by leaps and bounds, staving off dementia a little longer.

CATARACT: Speaking of older person issues, I also was diagnosed with a cataract this month.  Vision is cloudy in one eye and night driving more challenging.  Surgery is on the horizon, but not until yoga training is over because the recovery protocol prevents me from bending over!  I've got Downward Facing Dogs to do!

I could have written a detailed blog post about any one of those topics, but the pace of life has been such that these brief summaries will have to do for now.  Hopefully I'll find my writing rhythm soon and be back to more regular postings.  For now, I feel I'm caught in a whirlwind of change -- stressful and joyful change.

At least, that's the view from here....©

AND THAT'S A WRAP...

I've been reading year-end lists and "year in review" articles all day.  I realize that so much happens, from the ridiculous to the sublime, to the tragic and the mundane, that for me it all often melds into an "I don't quite recall" mishmash of memory fragments.

So, I decided to go through my old-school Day Planner (I refuse to give those up!) where I can see a Month-At-A-Glance notes and entries, picking out those events that most impacted my 2018.  I wonder if anyone else does the same.  Do any of these resonate with you?

(Most of these highlights ended up in blog posts so look back in the archives for more detail.)

January:  Women's March 2.0 -- A disappointment for me.  There will never, ever, be another day like the first Women's March in 2017; life highlight.

February:  Sitting at Dairy Queen scarfing down a self-celebratory hot fudge sundae on Valentine's Day when the restaurant TV suddenly showed "Breaking News" and the Parkland shooting and it's aftermath was released upon us.  Unfortunately I've been as emotionally devastated with each mass shooting; that wasn't new.  But those Parkland teens and how they rose up in activism inspiring a nation (or at least a part of it) to action still gives me the most hope I've had for the future.  I hope I live long enough to vote for one of those 'kids'.

March:  Hamilton!  Lin-Manuel Miranda,  you are a god.  Gratitude to Son Two and his fiancé for the tix so I could be "in the room where it happened."
Also the "March for our Lives" national event on TV and marching in the local event -- see Parkland above.

April:  Annual trip to Kauai.  Surf, sun, aloha.

May:  Wellness.  Started Weight Watchers and committed to a vigorous and varied schedule of physical fitness activities.  Made progress.

June:  Dove into working on I-1631, the Washington State Clean Air/Clean Energy initiative and working with Common Purpose to register voters with an eye to the mid-terms.  Challenging, inspiring, exhausting.

July:  Stunning health diagnosis and scare for Hub.  Threw us both off kilter and focused us on what needed to be done; all else seemed superfluous.  As usual his calm kept me from completely losing it. (Also I hold the image of our family gathered at the hospital on the day of a procedure Hub had to have, love and support palpable.)  Incredibly grateful for modern medicine, sophisticated testing, smart, skilled doctors, and a diagnosis we can deal with.
Also July --  a Jackson Browne concert; also meeting and attending a workshop with John Pavlovitz, Resistance Hero and true Christian.

August/Sept/October:  Staring August 30 and continuing until October 4 our big trip to Great Britain -- our first to Europe -- on back to back Rick Steves tours.  We were gone for 5 weeks, but the pre-trip prep and post-trip recovery seemed to make for about a 3-month commitment! Amazing, frustrating, awesome, exhausting.
Also October -- Son Two and his gal officially got engaged!

November:  The long-anticipated mid-term elections.  Blue Tsunami in the House of Representatives!  A win for Progressives, diversity, women.  Finally we will have some oversight into all of the crazy, illegal, immoral shenanigans of the current president and administration.

December:  Here we are -- a month of festivities with family and friends; another birthday for me; and deep, deep gratitude for my health, my home, my life, and everyone in it.  My family is the through-line in all of this, the reason for most of what I choose to do.

I am grateful to end this year with a feeling of anticipation and optimism, curious to see where this blog goes in 2019, and hoping you'll be along for the ride.

At least, that's the view from here... ©

FIERCE OPTIMISM

HAPPY NEW YEAR!  

January is always a time of tremendous relief for me -- the holidays over and a clean slate ahead.  And this year we had the super-auspicious coincidence that January 1st fell on a Monday!  A dieter's good omen!  (I'll start it on Monday...I'll start it on the 1st of the month...)

To kick off the January 1st "New Start", Hub and I went to a New Year's Eve gathering with friends where we facilitated a sharing circle to talk about what we are letting go of and what intentions we are setting for 2018.  We also ate, drank, had an 'oldies' sing-along, and shot off fireworks.  Got home at 1 a.m. and stayed up talking with Hub until 2.  I do believe it's been years since I was up, on purpose, that late!  So 2018 was already shaping up to be different.

This year I am letting go of the ever-vying for my attention twins: depression and anxiety (who have been mostly sidelined for over a year, but they are sneaky bastards), procrastination, heaviness of body and spirit, and anger/rage at the political situation.  I wrote all that down and tossed the paper into the fire pit.  Good riddance!

My intentions are:
To be a badass Resistance Fighter and to act from a place of compassion and fierce optimism
To prioritize health and vitality
To practice gratitude with daily reflection
To prioritize writing projects
To be more vocal and activist about ageism

I wrote all those down, attached them to a lantern and set it free into the full-mooned, cold, clear, sky carrying my intentions on the gentle midnight breeze.

And, so far, so good....

I've gone a bit quiet on the political front, as I reflect and become more discerning on where my energy needs to go -- into thoughtful action and not constant, frantic reaction to the chaotic craziness that emanates from the current president's mind and mouth.  It continues to be outrageous and terrifying but I'm not so triggered every time.  I find a quiet assurance emerging that this is a temporary situation.  2018 is a Mid-Term year.  That's where my energy is going to go; to work to throw the enabling, party-before-country, sucking-at-the-corporate-teat, self-serving Republicans out on their butts.  (OK, maybe I'm still a little pissed.)

My Gratitude Journal holds the mundane and sublime record of daily thanks for the abundance of joy and challenge in my life and what I can learn from that.

I've pretty much eschewed mindless sugar consumption, kicked up my treadmill walks, and have lost 1.5 pounds.

I'm forging ahead with a writing project that I plan to turn into a book for my family.

And I'm toying with the idea of either starting a new blog about growing older/ageism or making discussions of ageism a larger part of this blog.  So, stay tuned on that.

I feel on the cusp of changes for Hub and me this year too...sort of undefined yet, but a subtle shifting of attention, priorities; living with more intention and making deeper connections to each other and those we love.  Also, we will be doing a lot of traveling this year -- a completely new focus for me, who typically spouts the "I hate to travel" mantra.  I'm actually excited about our trips...but I'm not packing yet, so there's still time for the night-before-leaving panic and regret about "making these stupid plans and can't we just stay home?!?"  So, stay tuned on that too.

All in all, today finds me optimistic....fiercely optimistic....about 2018.  And that's a brand new place for me to be.  Go figure.

At least, that's the view from here...©

START SPREADIN' THE NEWS...

Back in February two of my gal-pals cooked up a scheme for the three of us to take a spring trip to New York City.  Hmmm…  Well, I don't travel much.  And never without Hub.  I'm not particularly proud of of this.  I want to be seen (and want to see myself) as a free spirit, ready for adventure.  The truth is, I've been sort of an anxiety-ridden, stay-close-to-home gal for a few years.

I didn't used to be this way.  This anxiety grew stealthily -- rooted in an overwhelming desire to protect my children, to keep us all safe; rooted in periods of anxiety and deep depression -- generally overwhelmed by the life I was living; rooted in a job that was all about anticipating worst case scenarios and avoiding liability for wrong decisions; rooted in a health issue that kept me from moving more than two feet from my cell phone or leaving the house without a friend or family member -- or ever staying home alone.

Fear seemed to grow around me like the English ivy we planted 30 years ago that now threatens to choke out all the natural growth in an area of our property.  We were naive; we did what we thought was right at the time.  We now live with the consequences and the painstaking and back-breaking work of undoing that which we had done.  Suffocating, it's time to rip out the roots of this creeping, confining thing that engulfs and constrains, both in the yard and in my psyche.

Every New Year I make an intention (something more solid and thoughtful than a resolution) -- something I will manifest as a personal growth goal.  My 2014 intention is "I will say 'yes' with a discerning heart."  I have spent the past couple of years with "no" being my default response to invitations and opportunities.  Or I would say yes and then regret it deeply, wishing I'd said no.  So, when this intention came to me at a ritual gathering to honor a dear friend's transition into retirement, I was surprised.  I threw the word "fear" into the raging fire over and over, and felt myself opening up to something new.  I felt myself saying "yes" and decided to get out of my head and let opportunities and invitations sink into my heart, following my intuition instead of the lists of pros and cons my mind created.

So, I said yes to New York.  My mind wanted me to know I would regret this decision, while my heart wanted me to get excited and feel happy.  So far, 2 days from boarding my eastbound plane, my heart is still winning the battle.  I keep waiting for the dread, the pit of my stomach tied in knots, the tears and terror.  Instead, I'm reading guidebooks, planning what to pack, visioning myself in Central Park or at MoMA or at a Broadway show.

No one is more surprised than I.  Something has shifted.  Something new is happening.  My life is opening and my heart is happy.   I see the old predilection toward saying no and being afraid as a time of dormancy, a time of transition, a time in the darkness.  I want this to be the start of a new era in my life, which would be so amazing -- to be on the cusp of yet another "lifetime" within this singular grand and amazing stint on earth!

So, this big experiment is underway.  Stay tuned for more from NYC….cause if I can make it there, I can make it anywhere….

At least, that's the view from here…. ©

MAXINE SPEAKS FOR ME

I saw this posted last year and again recently, updated for 2014.  I tried to find where it originated, but no luck.  So, not wanting to plagiarize, let me just issue a disclaimer:  THIS IS NOT SOMETHING ORIGINAL TO ME; I DON'T KNOW WHERE IT CAME FROM; I'VE SEEN IT ON OTHER BLOGS; DON'T SUE ME.

And this is often how I feel when I read all those forwarded emails and Facebook posts.  YIKES!  I haven't made any "resolutions" yet, but I think there might be one about STOP BEING AFRAID OF EVERY DAMN THING!

So….here's Maxine.  Long may she live.

As we progress into 2014, I want to thank you all for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery. 

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel. 

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed. 

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose. 

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. 

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet. 

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. 

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.  

I no longer use plastic wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer. 

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life. 

And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over. 

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off. 

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician! 

Oh, and by the way... A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late. 

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet... 

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY NEW YEAR.©

SLIP OUT THE BACK, JACK...MAKE A NEW PLAN, STAN...*

I can totally tell it's the new year because I see lists of helpful hints for being a better ME everywhere.  Here are few that have shown up in my inbox, newspaper, magazines, etc.:

10 Things You Should Do Every Day
5 Ways to Get What You Really Want
3 Books You Must Read NOW
20 Things I Learned Last Year -- and Still Ring True for 2013
12 Tips for Self Care
6 Steps to Realizing Your Deepest Desire
6 Steps to Staying Happy
5 Keys to Working Effectively with People
5 Things You Should Eat to Lower Your Cholesterol
10 Superfoods to Eat Every Day
9 Nutrients You Can't Live Without
12 Places You Should See This Year
5 Road Trips Within 100 Miles of Home

And on and on....

I know each of these is supposed to entice me into thinking how absolutely effortless it is to be happy, healthy, well-informed, and stimulated.  But the constant barrage of "you can do it...feel good now...do this...do that" just makes me want to give up already and watch more TV.  I'm even losing my enthusiasm for the personal lists I referred to in my previous post.  Because all these "easy" ways to be better are collectively a bit overwhelming.  Screw it.

At least, that's the (grumpy) view from here....©

I also hear there are 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover*, but I just don't have the energy.  Hub's safe for another 40 years.

*Paul Simon - 1975

1/14/13 ADDENDUM:
Just today...the tips just keep coming:
1.  11 Tips for Restorative Rest
2.  How to Overcome an Eating Disorder in 6 Steps
3.  3 Paths to Happy Healthy Peaceful Real Authentic
4.  10 Simple Rules for Ladies and Gentlemen
STOP STOP STOP!!!!©

HAPPY NEW YEAR

2013....  2013????  Here's me in 5th grade (1961) when I woke up to the fact that the "1900's" would be over at some point....I sat at my desk, counting on my fingers (I got left behind in 4th grade long-division, so my fingers still act as my  personal abacus) to determine if possibly I'd still be alive in the year 2000.  I accurately determined I'd be 50 years old and I might actually live that long since I knew my grandma was over 50 at the time....
Well, I did live that long and then some.  In fact I'm still here and occasionally sit and count ahead as I did then, wondering how far into this millennium I might expect to get.   I try to be optimistic.

And then I remind myself that "the future" is pretty irrelevant and TODAY is the only thing I have.  In fact, THIS MOMENT, is really the only thing I can count on.   Still, we are sort of programmed to plan ahead, set goals, project into the future, and this is all necessary if we want to live in chronos world, so, every New Year feels like a clean slate, a time to start over, to make plans, to anticipate.
This year is no different for me.  I find that on this, Day 4 of 2013, I am nearly manic with enthusiasm for the possibilities that lie ahead.  I am filled with "clutter-busting", cleaning out, getting organized energy.  List upon list of "things I want to do" are materializing -- classes to take, trips and travels to undertake, family times to plan, socializing to do, movies to see, recipes to try, projects to begin (and accomplish!)  And weight to lose. (It is obligatory to throw that in.)

This is a time of transition in my life, as the last decade has been, actually.  But this feels different.  Something has shifted again within me and I feel a movement toward more peace, less stress, more acceptance, less judgement, more equanimity, less anxiety.  I am incredibly eager to see if I am right about this. My life always surprises me and I'm never actually sure if what I think is happening really is. All of this positive thinking and eager anticipation could fly right out the window with the first emotional trauma, bout of unexplained depression (hello, old friend), or disaster of any origin.  Still, something ...something...something that feels like confidence in my ability to lean into whatever comes my way is wriggling itself into my psyche.

2013.  Could this be the year when my life feels like something I own, am responsible for, and embrace  instead of something I am enduring, fighting, and utterly confused about?

Some of the elder women mentors I've known, those in their 60's and beyond, tell me there is a definite shift in thinking/ feeling/being that occurs after 60.   Could that be what this is?  Oh, how delightful!  That is not to say there won't be pain, loss, fear, more confusion.  But there may just be a calm, peaceful, loving embrace of EVERYTHING that is life and the knowing that nothing is forever.  "This too shall pass" may be the wisest words ever spoken, as each moment passes into another and another and another....

At least, that's the view from here...©