Taking a break for a minute from travel reporting to ponder what commitment means.
This is the Last Weekend before the mid-term election. We've been waiting two very long and troubling years for this shot at a do-over. Of course, the presidency isn't at stake, but we have a chance at electing a Congress that might do its checks and balances job if the Dems succeed in winning one or both of the Houses. Big governors races and state house races hang in the balance too. It all matters.
Hub and I and a partial handful close friends have been in total immersion for the past two years, worrying about, working on, and committing significant time to political actions. We are all tired. We all need a break.
But Hub is out right now in the pouring rain canvassing again, as he's done nearly every day for the past month (and before that gathering signatures all summer!), to try to pass a state-wide initiative to place a carbon fee on big polluters to fund clean energy development. I got trained to do Canvass Training for volunteer canvassers and we opened our home to be a Pop-Up Canvassing location every weekday afternoon and twice on Saturdays and Sundays. People were to sign up, come to be trained, pick up materials, and go out doorbelling.
We've had only a handful of sign-ups, three active canvassers, and a couple of no-shows -- one guy signed up three times and no-showed every time, even though Hub called to confirm with him and he assured us he'd be here. It's been frustrating, sitting here waiting for our canvassers to show up, training materials at the ready. But we were here because we said we'd be here. We cancelled plans, altered our schedules. Hub went out alone every day, because he'd made a commitment to the campaign...and to himself.
We did all of this because we'd made a commitment to do so. I made the commitment to people who were counting on me to follow through on what I said I'd do. I made a commitment to myself to do all I could, and that commitment has resulted in lots of self-judgment today. Did I REALLY do all I could?
Commitment. I take that word so seriously that oftentimes it's to my detriment. My commitments have too often become burdens. I notice how others carry their commitments. They either never commit to anything or keep their options open with a non-committal "maybe". Some commit then bail out without a backward glance or second thought. I've been very judgmental of people like this.
I found myself in tears earlier today because I feel like I'm failing at the mid-term Finish Line because of how much I hate phone banking, but know I should do it. I think of all the ways in which I could have been more active, more effective than being the Queen of FB posts trying to provide information and motivation for others to take actions too. I donated money. I wrote over 200 postcards to likely Democratic voters on behalf of candidates all over the country. I attended meetings, and trainings, and rallies. I wrote a letter to the editor (because I said I would when asked at a training) and edited Hub's Guest Commentary for the local paper. I prepared materials for canvassing and wrote personal emails to 60 friends to urge them to vote for our initiative. But today I trouble myself that I only did the easy stuff; I didn't challenge myself enough -- didn't do the dreaded doorbell or phone call thing on behalf of candidates I support.
My new commitment after the election Tuesday is to make no ongoing commitments beyond self-care. I'm committing to my yoga class and a few strength classes at the Y. I've got a doctor's appointment and I plan to get a massage. I'll make coffee dates with friends, but only a day or two in advance. For the foreseeable future I want everything on my calendar to be able to be changed if I change my mind.
I need to take a break from commitment as burden. I know I sound like a bit of a whiner here. Not intended. What I really feel is the lifting of a weight.
There are unexpected lessons in everything we do. I have killed myself by degrees with commitments for years -- to family, work, church, "causes", groups, and yes, politics at various times. I commit to one thing and that leads to dozens more things in service to doing my best by the one thing I committed to; if my commitment to the one thing is to be meaningful and complete.
The past two years of trying to rally the troops, to create Resistance/Support groups, to motivate, to act on an obsessive need to do something in the face of what I consider to be an unfettered slide into authoritarianism has been frustrating. I've not been able to understand how others can just go on with their lives as if nothing awful is happening, even when they agree it is awful. But I want to slow down and try to get it. Slow down and watch how others manage their lives with more ease. I might learn from them to take commitment much, much more lightly.
If anything, I know I need to set a boundary for myself. I need a "safe word". I think that word will be NO. I'll let you know how it goes.....if I feel like it. 😉
At least, that's the view from here...©
ADDENDUM: OK. I didn't mean this post to be a cry for advice, attention, affirmation, or encouragement. But that's what I got from some quarters, so thanks, but really what I was trying to convey was my own inability to hold a healthy boundary and by sharing that, perhaps others could relate and not feel so crazy out there. That's mostly what I hope the blog will create -- connection and commonality around the human condition.
Also, we lost the Initiative campaign and I cried for 24 hours and ranted about stupid people and lamented that not enough people cared to help us...blah blah blah. But we will not give up. Also the Blue Wave continues to crest as late vote counts are tallied and while some major races were losses (Beto -- see you in 2020), Dems handily won back the House (with a huge influx of women and people of color) and I cannot wait until January when checks and balances return to our government. Hey, current president....Winter is Coming!