I didn't used to be this way. This anxiety grew stealthily -- rooted in an overwhelming desire to protect my children, to keep us all safe; rooted in periods of anxiety and deep depression -- generally overwhelmed by the life I was living; rooted in a job that was all about anticipating worst case scenarios and avoiding liability for wrong decisions; rooted in a health issue that kept me from moving more than two feet from my cell phone or leaving the house without a friend or family member -- or ever staying home alone.
Fear seemed to grow around me like the English ivy we planted 30 years ago that now threatens to choke out all the natural growth in an area of our property. We were naive; we did what we thought was right at the time. We now live with the consequences and the painstaking and back-breaking work of undoing that which we had done. Suffocating, it's time to rip out the roots of this creeping, confining thing that engulfs and constrains, both in the yard and in my psyche.
Every New Year I make an intention (something more solid and thoughtful than a resolution) -- something I will manifest as a personal growth goal. My 2014 intention is "I will say 'yes' with a discerning heart." I have spent the past couple of years with "no" being my default response to invitations and opportunities. Or I would say yes and then regret it deeply, wishing I'd said no. So, when this intention came to me at a ritual gathering to honor a dear friend's transition into retirement, I was surprised. I threw the word "fear" into the raging fire over and over, and felt myself opening up to something new. I felt myself saying "yes" and decided to get out of my head and let opportunities and invitations sink into my heart, following my intuition instead of the lists of pros and cons my mind created.
So, I said yes to New York. My mind wanted me to know I would regret this decision, while my heart wanted me to get excited and feel happy. So far, 2 days from boarding my eastbound plane, my heart is still winning the battle. I keep waiting for the dread, the pit of my stomach tied in knots, the tears and terror. Instead, I'm reading guidebooks, planning what to pack, visioning myself in Central Park or at MoMA or at a Broadway show.
No one is more surprised than I. Something has shifted. Something new is happening. My life is opening and my heart is happy. I see the old predilection toward saying no and being afraid as a time of dormancy, a time of transition, a time in the darkness. I want this to be the start of a new era in my life, which would be so amazing -- to be on the cusp of yet another "lifetime" within this singular grand and amazing stint on earth!
So, this big experiment is underway. Stay tuned for more from NYC….cause if I can make it there, I can make it anywhere….
At least, that's the view from here…. ©
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