HAPPY NEW YEAR

2013....  2013????  Here's me in 5th grade (1961) when I woke up to the fact that the "1900's" would be over at some point....I sat at my desk, counting on my fingers (I got left behind in 4th grade long-division, so my fingers still act as my  personal abacus) to determine if possibly I'd still be alive in the year 2000.  I accurately determined I'd be 50 years old and I might actually live that long since I knew my grandma was over 50 at the time....
Well, I did live that long and then some.  In fact I'm still here and occasionally sit and count ahead as I did then, wondering how far into this millennium I might expect to get.   I try to be optimistic.

And then I remind myself that "the future" is pretty irrelevant and TODAY is the only thing I have.  In fact, THIS MOMENT, is really the only thing I can count on.   Still, we are sort of programmed to plan ahead, set goals, project into the future, and this is all necessary if we want to live in chronos world, so, every New Year feels like a clean slate, a time to start over, to make plans, to anticipate.
This year is no different for me.  I find that on this, Day 4 of 2013, I am nearly manic with enthusiasm for the possibilities that lie ahead.  I am filled with "clutter-busting", cleaning out, getting organized energy.  List upon list of "things I want to do" are materializing -- classes to take, trips and travels to undertake, family times to plan, socializing to do, movies to see, recipes to try, projects to begin (and accomplish!)  And weight to lose. (It is obligatory to throw that in.)

This is a time of transition in my life, as the last decade has been, actually.  But this feels different.  Something has shifted again within me and I feel a movement toward more peace, less stress, more acceptance, less judgement, more equanimity, less anxiety.  I am incredibly eager to see if I am right about this. My life always surprises me and I'm never actually sure if what I think is happening really is. All of this positive thinking and eager anticipation could fly right out the window with the first emotional trauma, bout of unexplained depression (hello, old friend), or disaster of any origin.  Still, something ...something...something that feels like confidence in my ability to lean into whatever comes my way is wriggling itself into my psyche.

2013.  Could this be the year when my life feels like something I own, am responsible for, and embrace  instead of something I am enduring, fighting, and utterly confused about?

Some of the elder women mentors I've known, those in their 60's and beyond, tell me there is a definite shift in thinking/ feeling/being that occurs after 60.   Could that be what this is?  Oh, how delightful!  That is not to say there won't be pain, loss, fear, more confusion.  But there may just be a calm, peaceful, loving embrace of EVERYTHING that is life and the knowing that nothing is forever.  "This too shall pass" may be the wisest words ever spoken, as each moment passes into another and another and another....

At least, that's the view from here...©