THIS MOMENT

I've been waiting for a day of high spirits, quirky humor, elation, and excitement to sit down and write this end-of-year post.  This is literally the last day of 2020 and I've not yet found that combination of good cheer to end my blog this year.  So, here goes... 

2020 was hard.  HARD!  But I'm not one to wish for the rapid passage of time.  I see lots of people writing about relief that 2020 is soon behind us.  In my mind, in my life, not one thing will change from today to tomorrow.  "Years" are a human construct; the events of one year or another are just among other long chains of events over time.  It's the present moment that is real...nothing past (only a memory), nothing future (only a guess).  Right now.  Right now.  This is what we have.

I have had to remind myself of this over and over and over again to stay sane in this time of Covid-19.  Fear, anxiety, sadness, loneliness, disappointment, despair, anger, RAGE (I'm looking at you GOP), had to be tempered repeatedly with the mantra "this moment", "this moment", "this moment".  I'm not always successful.  Ask Hub how many times he's had to listen as I processed fear, bitterness, sadness, and despair amongst tears that would not abate.  

But with the passage of time and the determination not to succumb to Depression and Anxiety Demons, over this year (and the previous) I have worked through many of my old behavior patterns, have grown in who I am, strengthening my resilience muscles, trusting my inner wisdom, finding courageous independence, and acting on my own behalf.  I feel I'm no longer swayed in the winds, no longer afraid of invisible monsters (we are all living with one, and know how to keep it at bay!), no longer longing for relationships that cannot be the way I want them to be.  My biggest pandemic lesson -- LET GO!  Or better yet, LET BE!  Embrace me, honor myself, live as I want to live, set boundaries, ask for what I want (I may or may not get it);  but know others will not act upon love as I act upon love: everyone is different, everyone will live as they do, almost no one will do it as I'd prefer, at least as consistently. Let go of longing.  Let go of trying so damned hard.  And just let be what is.

I had hoped (see above) that even with the physical distance, I could somehow (I tried lots of things!) bring my family closer together; we'd check in on each other more often, no longer able to count on seeing each other for those weekly dinners, etc etc.  Nope.  I tried reaching out frequently -- sending messages of encouragement and dropping gifts at doorsteps or in the mail, setting up Zoom calls, creating backyard distanced picnics.  I rarely felt my efforts reciprocated.  Does this mean my family doesn't love me?  That's how it felt to me. I just didn't understand how others would not think to call or text me several times a week.  I have friends who hear from their adult children daily.  DAILY!  Not in this family.  I've done too good a job emptying the nest apparently. 

I know how deeply I'm loved by my sons and their wives, but I can't by force of will create conditions for them to reassure me of that or to want to share the daily details of their lives with me.  So, finally, I stopped.  I wish it was different.  It is not.  A wish is not reality; it is a grasping for what my mind tells me I want.   We share a FB family messenger page and occasional informational texts, very occasional outdoor get-togethers, and holiday Zoom meet-ups.  I received perfect heartfelt gifts for Christmas.  Those avenues have been fun, funny, interesting, satisfying...and I'm grateful for that.  

This is all hard to explain, but the bottom line is this:  Others will live as they do.  I can wish or I can accept.  I choose to accept.  I feel stronger, more independent, and far less sad and disappointed.  Every situation is a choice point.  In the past two years I've had hard choice points to face.  In my marriage I've had to choose to set boundaries, to trust, to let go of expectations, to allow.  In my extended family I've had to choose to hold fast to distancing from those I love in spite of the pain of doing so.  In my own life, I've chosen to explore my inner landscape and to challenge myself to take risks; to move toward willingness which gets me to "yes" more quickly than the "maybe" that kept me dithering with pro and con lists.  I've chosen, over and over, to embrace my life in a way I have not in the past.  It has been a sometimes painful time of transition for me to a stronger more independent and more confident Self.  Some may believe I was always there...they are wrong.  I feel the difference.

So, yes, a new calendar year is on the horizon.  I have no idea what it will hold for me/us.  I am hopeful that a new Administration can begin to rebuild our democracy, right some of the wrongs, bring compassion back to our public policy.  I am hopeful the vaccines for Covid-19 will begin to wrestle this monster to the ground and our lives can again include hugs with loved ones; I am most hopeful my granddaughters will be able to visit us/spend the night and that our previously close relationship will  grow ever closer with shared experiences again. I am hopeful I'll continue to be blessed with physical health, emotional stability, and psychological growth.  Every moment is a choice point: I choose hope. 

Yet still I know all I have is "this moment...this moment....this moment..."

At least, that's the view from here...©

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