MAXINE SPEAKS FOR ME

I saw this posted last year and again recently, updated for 2014.  I tried to find where it originated, but no luck.  So, not wanting to plagiarize, let me just issue a disclaimer:  THIS IS NOT SOMETHING ORIGINAL TO ME; I DON'T KNOW WHERE IT CAME FROM; I'VE SEEN IT ON OTHER BLOGS; DON'T SUE ME.

And this is often how I feel when I read all those forwarded emails and Facebook posts.  YIKES!  I haven't made any "resolutions" yet, but I think there might be one about STOP BEING AFRAID OF EVERY DAMN THING!

So….here's Maxine.  Long may she live.

As we progress into 2014, I want to thank you all for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery. 

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel. 

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed. 

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose. 

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. 

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet. 

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. 

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.  

I no longer use plastic wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer. 

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life. 

And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over. 

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off. 

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician! 

Oh, and by the way... A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late. 

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet... 

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY NEW YEAR.©

YOU'RE SO FULL OF SHOULD!

I know they are well-meaning.  I know they have my best interest at heart.  I know they are eager to share their experiences, insights, adventures, and hard-earned wisdom with me.  I know.  I've undoubtedly done it too.  (Sorry.)

But I have HAD it with people "shoulding" on me.  Really, really had it.  (I am a tad grouchy today).

So, here I am in Hawai'i.  I love it here.  The warm sun, gentle breezes, the sound of the waves crashing to shore, tastes of sweet tropical fruits, sounds of ukulele strummed by a Hawaiian boy under a coconut palm, shouts of encouragement to the canoe racers on the bay, the amazing color and variety of flora and fauna.  My senses are actively engaged.  My mind is both at ease and alert.

Yesterday I sat under the shade of an ironwood tree on a north shore beach as Hub (and about 50 other tourists) snorkeled the area called "Tunnels", famous for it's variety of fish on the coral reef there.  I was happy and content with my delight at enjoying a beautiful day on Kaua'i, staring dreamily out to the turquoise waters contemplating the history of this island state from passages I'd just read in Sarah Vowell's history of Hawai'i, "Unfamiliar Fishes".

Before long a couple arrived near to where I was sitting, dripping with sea water, goggles and snorkels in hand, breathing heavily with exertion and excitement.  Seeing me there, the woman said, "Are you going snorkeling?!?"  I started to reply, "No...my husband is, but I...."  She interrupted me with, "Well, you SHOULD!  It's so AMAZING! You would LOVE it!!!"

Really?  Do you KNOW me?  Do you KNOW I've tried it many times and the whole thing makes me hyperventilate, panic, and flail about in a wild frenzy of realization that putting my face in the water is maybe on the top ten list of  torture techniques that would cause me to spill national secrets?  Do you KNOW that when I was a kid and again in high school I had to be plucked, embarassingly, from the pool during swim lessons due to complete catatonic panic?  That's what I thought...you don't know me.  So, shut up.

Same goes for those who insist I SHOULD bundle up in several layers of clothing and specialized gear, strap slippery boards to my feet, and head for a snow-covered mountain, cuz tumbling down the side of an avalanche-prone peak is freakin' "fun"!

Also, biking long distances, jogging, and hiking -- particularly if steep hills are involved -- I just have to ask, "Why????"

Also, boating and flying since I am prone to violent motion sickness (you don't want to know the stories associated with those experiences).

Cruises too.  (I know some of my cruise fan friends read this...and you know I love you, right?  So don't be offended by what I am saying here.)   This activity involves a boat (see above), and lots of people in a confined space (claustrophobia and introversion), and constant man-made "entertainments" (noise and sensory overload).

I get that I sound like the world's hugest dud.  Really, I do.  Especially since I've lived my adult life in the Pacific Northwest where people flock to do the very things I don't do.  Don't even WANT to do.  Perhaps I should have stayed in Chicago, where hanging out at the coolest blues club was on everyone's "must" list.  I totally can do that!

Here are some of the things that thrill me:
     Facilitating personal growth groups where I see the light of an "ah-ha" appear in the eyes of a person who has just had a breakthrough;
     Facilitating an Ecstatic Dance group who have learned to trust and love each other while moving together in a joyful practice of bodies in motion;
     Facilitating a support group for women over 60 where a sense of Eldering with strength and power has overcome the dread of being an elderly person in our society;
     Performing my poetry at Open Mics and talent events;
     Practicing Yoga and meditation, with acceptance and awe;
     Reading and appreciating authors who knock me over with the ways they string words together in precise and breathtaking ways;
     Going to live rock 'n roll concerts by artists I love, most recently a kick-ass Coldplay concert.

I love these things.  They amaze me with their beauty and power.  I am a better person for doing them. But whether you feel the same or not is none of my business.  You may be suited to group facilitation, or not.  You may love to read, or not.  You may be able to sit with only your mind to keep you company in meditation, or not.  You may agree that Mick Jagger still rocks and is still sexy on stage at 60+, or not.  You get the idea.  I'll tell you what excites, delights, and motivates me, and I truly want to hear what excites, delights, and motivates you.  But I will do my best not to "should" on you about my interests.  And hope you won't "should" on me either.

At least, that's the view from here....