QUIET MIND, GOOD FEELING, NO FISH

If you read my last post on June 1 https://myviewfromhere-donna.blogspot.com/2023/06/giving-up-on-hope.html, you know I had an epiphany and it led to acting upon my life in a new, less emotionally stressed and frantic way.  I'm here to report that it's still working!  Mostly. 

I have, however, felt a bit of a crisis of confidence lately about two things:  1.) my yoga teaching, now done mostly through a private Facebook group with hopefully inspiring posts and weekly or so Facebook Live videos, with little/no poses; mostly yoga/life philosophy, and,  2.) this blog.

It's often hard for me to believe anyone really cares what I have to say, which may be the most important insight I've had lately. LOL   So, I've been quiet.  No FB Live videos and no blog posts for over a month.  And yet, I feel an internal urge to say stuff out loud anyway hoping, but never knowing, if it might positively impact someone. And now I'm back sharing again.  So, I invite you to take what resonates and leave the rest.

The Three Principles teachings I've been studying (see previous post) talk about having a "quiet mind" and a "good feeling".  Hub and I are on a similar path lately and we've committed to meditating together for 30 minutes every morning.  Some days my mind is so, so quiet.  Other days it is not.  Both are fine -- the human condition is that we think.  It's what we do.  But when we can see that some thinking is often not serving our best interest (ruminating, future-ing, regretting, etc) we can breathe and come back to being in the here and now by focusing on the senses and getting quiet, or closer to it.  And when I am in that quieter state, I feel more at peace.  It's a good feeling.

I've become very aware that I/we "live in the feeling of our thoughts".  What we think, leads to how we feel.  Together this creates our personal reality.  We are only one thought away from a new reality! 

This is liberating for me, one who thinks herself into anxiety-producing worst case scenarios and self-loathing depressions on a cyclical basis.  Also I think I know what everyone else is thinking too and I add that to my list of thinking myself into believing things that may or may not be true, but are mostly not my business.  It's exhausting and unnecessary.  

My thinking mind needs to realize that I have infinite possibilities for thought and I don't have to return to those well worn grooves of worry.  The circumstances aren't doing me in -- it's my thoughts about circumstances that get me.  (It's why several people can experience the very same thing and have very different responses to it.  Our thoughts create our personal reality -- every time!)

Anyway...in my quieter absence from yakking at people in various places,  I've mostly spent the last few weeks staring at an empty aquarium.

I decided a little over a month ago to get my own tank.  Son One is a serious hobbiest and I've enjoyed his enthusiasm for his aquariums.  On a bit of an impulse, I decided to give it a try.  Something new to learn (chemistry!), a live thing to care for (fish!), and a pretty thing to look at (clear water, colorful movement, relaxing aesthetic!)  Son One took me shopping and we got my 10 gallon tank set up with live plants and a two Nerite snails.  But wait....no fish???  

My first learning was about "cycling" or "seasoning" the tank.  It's very science-y and I'm still learning and my head is spinning with conflicting information, but I'm loving this so far.  Get the plants established and water parameters stabilized, then add fish.  This can take several weeks unless you do it with chemicals, which I am not.  Mother Nature is my friend.

My water plants are growing like crazy. (Valestinaria, Red Tiger Lotus, and Crytocoryne Wendtii Green).  My Red Lotus has sent up three new shoots of leaves to float atop the water.  So pretty.  I have some other green floating plants that Son One gave me too -- not sure what they are.  One of my Nerites died, sadly.  The other is doing well.  I added two Mystery Snails which are growing and seem healthy and busy.  (Did you know they eat blanched green beans, cucumbers, spinach...??? So cool!)

I check my water chemistry daily and it's pretty stable.  After 4-1/2 weeks, I might be ready to add some fish soon, but part of me almost doesn't want to.  I am  learning patience and how to create a watery eco-system, not just something pretty to look at.  (Algae is a good thing in a new tank!)  Fish will just complicate things.  And be beautiful, of course.  So there's that.

Yet, if I think my aquarium MUST have fish, my feeling right now would be one of impatience and frustration.  But if I think my aquarium is an environment that is evolving and each day brings new change and new learning, the feeling I have is one of wonder and joy with what's right in front of me.  

Quiet mind, good feeling, no fish (yet).

At least, that's the view from here...©

MY DAY WITH AMMA, PART 1

Amma.  The "Hugging Saint".  Maybe you've heard of her or saw her featured on a segment of TV's 60 Minutes a few years ago.  She is an Indian woman in her 60's who has risen to be one of the most important and revered spiritual teachers of our time.  She is also a humanitarian marvel, creating systems for helping people all over the world, often in places where red-tape, corruption, and policy mean many in poverty go without the most basic of needs.  Somehow she makes happen what needs to happen to serve the underserved.  Her story is quite remarkable.

More info here on her website: http://amma.org.  I also thought this NYT article was a good one:  http://www.nytimes.com/2013/05/26/business/ammas-multifaceted-empire-built-on-hugs.html?_r=0

Amma tours the world, making appearances in large venues where people line up to wait for hours for a hug from her, to take part in the "vibe" of her religion, which is by all outward appearances a Hindu-inspired practice, but which she defines simply as "Love".

Last Saturday I went for the first time to get my Amma hug.  But here's the thing:  Hub and I were rather ambivalent about going.  She comes to Seattle every year and we always say we will go but then we don't.  But this year we were more motivated because her appearance was not in Seattle, but in the city where we live, at a sports arena about a mile from our house.  How could we pass this up?  This world-renowned saint was practically on our doorstep!  So we headed downtown, found parking, and thought we'd see how long the line was...still giving ourselves the option of cutting out if it looked daunting, as it might since we got there a bit late.

Outside the arena we were met by greeters wearing red scarves, who smiled broadly and welcomed us.  One young woman asked if we'd seen Amma before.  We said no, we're newbies.  She replied, "You will love this experience!  The first time I saw her I was blown away.  When she entered the hall I actually collapsed!  Her energy is amazing...overwhelming...."  Maybe she would have gushed on and on, but we sidled away from her, eager to get in the ticket line and a bit bemused by the adoration, skeptics that we are sometimes.

Once inside there was quite the throng, but it seemed well-organzied and we thought, "well, we're here; might as well do this" and we stood in a serpentine line of patient, soft-spoken, rather jolly souls all eager for their "hug ticket" stamped with a number that would tell us where we'd fall in the day-long hug line.

After 30-40 minutes we made our way to the usher who gave us our tickets, stamped X-2, which seemed pretty far down the alphabet.  Again, we almost bailed.  But Hub asked if we could leave and come back closer to hug time.  The usher hesitated, then allowed that we could leave, but she highly recommended that we stay and be in the energy of the experience.  There would be food, beverage, shopping, meditation workshops, music....  Fine, but we still figured we'd just leave for awhile.  I mean, it was a beautiful Saturday and I didn't want to be stuck inside all day.  We had a number of  chores to do at home -- choosing paint color for our exterior house painting project, deciding on our new DISH-TV package,  getting our in-ground sprinkler system going for the summer....Could be we weren't quite on board with the spiritual aspects of the Amma adventure in that moment...Ha!

Once through the line, we were seated in an area in front of the stage, where rows of chairs on either side of Amma's dais were being set up.  Her perch was surrounded by colorful curtains, robes, drapes and flowers.  Dozens of volunteers rushed about seating people, guiding people, working the food services, serving in the dining area, selling merchandise of all kinds -- clothing, oils, candles, cards with photos of Amma, T-shirts, books, CDs, DVDs, Hindu deity statues.  It was a veritable marketplace.  I've read that Amma travels with nearly 200 devotees who staff her appearances and at each stop there are scores of local devotees who join the staff for the length of her appearances -- here it was 3 days.

We settled in surprisingly quickly, taking in the scene and sort of soaking in the vibe.  We saw some people we knew who were local volunteers who told us we were in for a life-changing experience; that we'd get a "bliss blast".  We were still not so sure of that, but we decided we were in for the duration by that time.  We were curious, and hey, who knows?  If a hug can be life-changing I'm all for that.

About an hour after we got into the arena, Amma came out onto the stage.  I did not collapse.  I just sat and watched her attendants seat her and make sure she was comfortable.  An announcer introduced local dignitaries who seemed bewildered at times, but did not embarrass themselves.   A swami led us all in a meditation that was surprisingly long and deep.  There is something to be said about meditating with hundreds of people in one space.  Amma said a few words translated and I don't remember them.  Nothing that moved me.  Then she started hugging.

And we started people-watching.  This was the biggest continuously polite, smiling, mellow crowd I'd ever been part of.  It was truly intergenerational too.  Older folks mingled with surprisingly well-behaved children, hipsters and women who looked like stereotypical "church ladies" who'd maybe wandered in from Bible Study sat side-by-side.  I saw people in Indian dress and those in bermuda shorts, some in Seahawk shirts and most everyone wearing malas -- more than could be counted.  It was a predominantly Caucasian crowd with Indian folks likely second in number.  Those of Asian, African American, and Native descent were in the mix too.   We milled about and bought T-shirts and had some great Indian food and Chai tea.  We observed, chatted, read, and waited as the volunteer flipped the sign numbers indicating which group was currently invited to get in the hug queue.  We chanted with the live Kirtan band and listened to a long multi-versed Sanskrit chant that started to give me a headache and could have used a bit of editing in my judgement.

Large projection screens on the stage showed a continuous live feed of Amma hugging the constant stream of people who  approached her where she sat.  I noted that each person's head was shoved into Amma's bosom by an attendant and Amma's arms went around the person.  Sometimes she bent her own head to theirs, but often she just hugged and talked to her attendants quite animatedly, nodding, smiling, pointing, like there were just hanging out having a conversation, unperturbed by this line of people kneeling at Amma's feet with their heads chucked into her torso.  On a couple of occasions Amma took phone calls during hugs -- an attendant held a cell phone in front of her as she spoke via speaker it seemed.  But even if she seemed distracted, at some point she did bend toward the supplicant and seemed to tune in to that person if only for a few seconds.  Then that person was finished.  I could tell as they parted that they were handed something from Amma, and it was on to the next...for hours and hours and hours.

Yes, we also watched the clock. The time seemed both to creep and move swiftly.  Maybe there was some crazy magic in the air.  We had been inside the arena for seven hours, when finally our grouping was called to the stage....

STAY TUNED FOR MY DAY WITH AMMA, PART 2  and my view from here.... ©

YOGA DIALECTIC

I forgot.  But now I remember.  After a two week hiatus from my regular Yoga practice, I was back in class today and struggling through even relatively simple poses.  I was stiff, sore, and weak.  Atrophy is swift and sure, my friends.  Fortunately, our bodies are resilient and easily coaxed to health again unless we've let it all go for months … or years.  And even then, with patience and self-acceptance, we slowly build to a place of inner and outer strength...

That's the stuff I WANT to say to myself.  The mantra that REALLY went through my head today was:  "Damn it, Donna!  Why didn't you find a Yoga studio in New York?  I bet they have them there!  At the very least why didn't you just plop down in that groovy "Mad Men" apartment and do a few downward facing dogs on your own?  Reading 10% Happier (a funny and inspiring book by ABC Nightline anchor Dan Harris about discovering meditation) is NOT the same thing as meditating!  And then, last week when sweet grand-daughterAngel was with you every day why didn't you keep up the morning Yoga and meditation "demo" you tried at the beginning of the week with her?  Just because she was squirmy and impatient didn't make her any different from YOU, now did it?"

Yes, I berated myself today.  I counted breaths and endured poses.  I scolded my sore wrists and punished my tight hamstrings.  I listened to Karen, my amazing Yoga instructor, remind us to be gentle, to be accepting of our bodies, and realized I prefer to accept my strong, supple body rather than this stiff old thing that showed up at class today.   Big, bad, goofy Ego even started to look around the room and compare!  Bad! Bad!  I was reminded of this little poem I wrote many years ago when I first started Yoga practice.

YOGA DIALECTIC

Walk through the door,

Say hello,

Remove shoes & socks

Unfurl mat, 

Pause

Notice feeling

Sit

Seek quiet

Breathe

Notice

The space around my breath

The pause between my thoughts

Delicious moments of stillness

We begin…..

A signal to monkey mind 

to swing gaily from branch to branch:

Ahhh…this feels great.

Wait…this is hard…

I can’t do this….

She’s better than me….

Even he’s more limber…

Am I doing this right?...

Just breathe…

I’m better than her….

I hate this….

I feel fat….

My wrist hurts…

Oh good this one’s easy…

I’m thirsty….

I feel like crying…

What time is it?...

Do I feel strong?

Exhausted…

Light…

Lie down

Let it go

Resting in shavasana

Notice

Space around my breath

A pause between my thoughts

Delicious moments of emptiness

The unexpected moment of loving 

my perfect imperfect self.

Namaste.
************************************

I forgot, but now I remember.  Breathe.  Begin again.  Smile.
At least, that's the view from here… ©

LIMPS AND SWAGGERS

It's raining.  A good day for cocooning in and being quiet.  I've been busy, busy, busy with home projects and social events.  My dear, sweet, brave, beautiful, hilarious friend from Boulder, Co. just left after a short visit and I miss her already.  Our long talks about life, personal work, and spiritual growth has put me in a contemplative state.

That, and reading a book called "A Year to Live" by Stephen Levine, in preparation for a monthly class I'll be taking with 7 other intrepid seekers over the coming year.  We are going to explore how to live fully in this moment as if we only have a year to live...and to face that end time without fear, whenever it comes.

I read this morning in Chapter 5 about the importance of doing both our deep personal psychological work as well as the mindful spiritual work of focused awareness.  Levine says this:  "When one level is fostered to the detriment of the other we develop a psychological limp or a spiritual swagger." Oh, how I have seen (and experienced) both!

For almost 15 years I've done deep personal work based on a Jungian psychology of archetypes and shadows.  I have gone away for a number of weekend experiential "initiations" and "trainings", that are really like intensive counseling sessions.  With skilled, loving leadership and facilitation I have uncovered many psychological keys to understanding my core psychological wounds, what behaviors continue to prevent my full expression of Self, and how to break through barriers and become more fully expressive of my own nature.  My twice monthly women's group continues to support and challenge me in this awareness, keeping me on track and reminded of where I came from and where I'm going.

I could go on and on and you are either right there with me now, or you've already tuned me out.  Suffice to say, I know myself pretty damned well and the whys and hows of my psyche's dance steps.  I still sometimes lose the beat, but more often these days, I get right back in the groove without too much anguish and sometimes with a fair amount of laughter at my 'backsliding' into a less aware state of being in the world.

But for a long while I was so focused on the psychological work, and "healing my wounded Self" that I walked with that psychological limp like a badge of courage, obvious to all.  I AM DOING MY WORK!  I HURT!  That eventually went away and my walk became whole again.   For others, I've seen them move into "wound worship", limping along on a constant path of "healing" that never seems to conclude, always seeking another training or workshop to be the "be all, end all" for their suffering.

And I've seen the opposite -- the spiritual swagger of those (me too, sometimes) who "transcend" the mundane woundedness of the human psyche and move right into assumed higher planes of existence by focusing on a constant "feel good" spiritual high, as if to say, "This incarnation of the human experience is full of pain...let's not go there."  Let's go instead to the Zafu or the mat or the ashram or the temple, church, or mountaintop where I can just be At One With the Cosmos and not have to muck around in figuring out why my earthly life is such a friggin' mess...why I'm lonely, or angry, or afraid a lot of the time.

There is such satisfaction and relief in the ah-ha moment of a psychological breakthrough.  There is such euphoria in spiritual transcendence.  But in my judgement, as Levine says, there is something incomplete in choosing the duality of one or the other.  Integration is key.

As I move more inevitably into my eldering years, with mortality on the horizon and more real, there are times I feel the terror of impending death.  I love this life and what I've made of it.  I want more of it; I am so curious about the future and what the world, and me in it, will be.

Yet, reality is that it is our nature to die.  Gotta do it.  So, the work of this age and stage is to get ready; to fully embrace what this human life has been, is, and will be, and to remove the obstacles to living it freely and without constraint of old patterns, wounds, and inner voices that hold me back and keep me down.  It is also a time to turn inward; yes, to sit in quiet contemplation in those places of calm and to connect with a consciousness greater than I am; to know that whenever the end comes, whatever awaits, I am ready to take that step without fear, with peace, with love.

At least, that's the view from here....©

SHORT RANT

Do you ever wake up with a rant running in your head about all the ways the world vaguely pisses you off and things are not going as you want?

I like to be a good person; kind, generous, compassionate, living in the present and optimistic about the future.  That's who I LIKE to be; that's not always who I am.  Sometimes I'm mean and bitter and judgmental.  You know, a mind/body/spirit full of good intentions, yet so often failing miserably at living up to my "best self".

This is one of those days.  So, I'm sitting here wondering how I can drive these mean and destructive urges toward anger and resentment from my psyche this morning and replace them with unicorns and rainbows?

Trying this:  Pranayama -- I'm breathing slowly and mindfully.  Asana -- I'm feeling my body, strong and supple as I move through Sun Salutations.  Pratyahara -- I'm turning my focus inward in quiet meditation.

Still....here I am in all my human glory (!) having a human experience (!) and sort of disappointed in the tumble from my perch above the huddled masses of the Un-Enlightened.

And there we have it!  Pride goeth before the fall.  If I'm so psychologically evolved and so spiritually enlightened, why am I so miserable?  Hmmmm.....

Thank you Universe for this "kick my butt" wake-up call with your recent series of 'horrible, no good, very bad' chain of events visited upon 'lil 'ol me.

Maybe this is the lesson, again, for we humans: Let go and let god, goddess, santa claus, whatever... take our Egos out of the equation and show us the way of LOVE and acceptance.

But boy, oh boy, some days that is quite the challenge.

At least, that's the view from here....©

"SUFFER THE LITTLE CHILDREN TO COME UNTO ME..."

Here we are, right in the middle of the fa-la-la-la-la Christmas season, caught up in shopping, baking, decorating, planning, organizing, socializing....a time when our hearts sometimes have a hard time finding "Christmas Spirit" amidst the "to do" lists that this holiday has become.  And then an act so unspeakable and at odds with the season of peace and love shakes us to the core and focuses our attention away from ourselves and our petty troubles.

On Friday, a crisp blue sky day in Newtown, Connecticut, a troubled young man, carrying at least two rapid-fire weapons, entered Sandy Hook Elementary School and started shooting.  Within only a couple of minutes, 6 adults and 20 children, between the ages of 5-10, were dead, as was the shooter, who took his own life.

Facts are slowly emerging of acts of heroism by teachers and school staff, whose first thoughts were to keep their students safe.  Facts are slowly emerging about the perpetrator, who had also killed his mother in their home before descending upon the school, who seems to have suffered his whole life with significant mental health issues; as we so often hear, he was intellectually brilliant but socially withdrawn, even pathologically "shy" and reclusive; a loner.

My first thought, as is my first thought every time there is an eruption of gun violence (which is frequent), is that troubled people with access to guns leave more carnage in their wakes than those who do not have a readily available gun.  I am an unequivocal proponent of gun control.   Within hours of the shooting, I re-joined the Brady Campaign to End Gun Violence and wrote to my Senators and Congressman.  I might finally be giving in to my frequent impulse to "get involved" in an issue or cause again.  I've always known this would be the one.  For me, it's the only action I can take to try to mediate the overwhelming sadness and frustration I feel when something like this happens, something I believe could be prevented.

But right now, I don't have any energy for "organizing".   Instead, I am reminded of a saying that comforts me:  "We are spiritual beings having a human experience."  Humans are flawed, vulnerable, confused, loving, compassionate, violent, crazy, amazing creatures.  So, my energy is going into creating havens of peace for the human experiences in my little world. My energy is going into advocating for "radical kindness" within myself and others I know.  My meditation practice teaches me to "stay in the moment", to be aware of the vast cosmic consciousness that exists in and around us, connecting us all, and that the only answer to the troubles of the human experience is to be kind, to love, to act with compassion.

There is a meditation in the Tibetan tradition called Tonglen, where one invites on the in-breath the suffering of another into our consciousness and on the out-breath sends out love, peace, and healing to that person.  I have been practicing this meditation since Friday, both in sitting silently and at random times during the day when I am going about my life's busy-ness.   Meeting violent, unspeakable acts with compassion for those impacted (which on one level is all of us) is the only response I know right now.

For Christians, this is the season celebrating Jesus' birth.  He was an example of love and acceptance and also acted to upset the status quo.  His example might be one we can  emulate in the days and months ahead, beginning as we gather around our Christmas trees holding those we love with special care.

So, my prayer is this:  May all those little children and the adults who gave their lives for them, the families left to mourn, and the person who fired the gun, all find peace in the compassionate, loving presence of Divine Consciousness.

At least, that's the view from here....©

TIME IS ON MY SIDE

People often say time seems to speed up as they age.  Days, weeks, months, and years seem to fly by.  When asked about certain specific events, people often believe they happened much more recently than they really did: "Oh no...can it be that long ago already?"  It's a strange phenomenon.  It's a perception, since time itself is pretty reliable in its stability.

(OK, all you quantum physicists out there...you win, with whatever argument you want to throw at that statement, because while I find your analyses and theories utterly fascinating, they are beyond my ability to truly comprehend.  I love the Science Channel series "Through the Wormhole" mostly for the amazing topics that I always think I will understand, but ultimately don't.  It also has some great photography.  And the sound of Morgan Freeman's voice, who could convince me of anything, is so soothing.  Also I love the idea that there are so many people who have brains wired to sit around for their entire adult lives writing long and complicated math equations in note pads and find this a fun and rewarding career.  What????  I would like a TV series to explain that to me and tell me why I didn't get one of those brains.)

So, this perception about time has one theory that the younger we are the more novel our experiences (so many "firsts") and that we focus on them in ways that later we gloss over because so much has become familiar, mundane, routine.  The "big" moments are fewer and farther between, so they seem like they happened "only yesterday".  Naturally other theorists are now poking holes in that notion.

I don't know what the answer is.  I just know that the perception that "time flies" seems to be true for me.  And if it has to do with that novel experience idea, then I say do more of that!  Yet I realize that I have lately begun to want to do less.  In recent months I have become a seeker of comfort, ease, and familiarity.  So this does not bode well for  experiencing novelty.  Does that mean my days are flying by with nothing to hang on to and no memories to anchor me in time?

Or is there another way to experience "novelty", even in the mundane?

In recent months I've also begun a meditation practice that is based on "mindfulness".  I am a novice and I fail more often than not, but the idea is to be "mindful"-- fully present, in each moment.  Washing dishes becomes an experience of feeling the water, the temperature of the water, the way it flows around the dishes, runs over my hands, noticing the suds light and airy floating across the water's surface, white and translucent, the heft of the bright red bowl in my hand....you get the idea.  It's a much different experience than just rushing through the task. I'm not standing there with a dreamy look on my face loving every dish-washing moment, but I'm trying to be "present" with the task, not a million miles away with thoughts racing in various directions while I mindlessly get through it to get on to the next thing.

Maybe mindfulness creates novelty, each experience "new", each day, week, month, and year anchored in meaningful experience.  Because it's every minute of every day that make up a life.  It's not all noticably different, but it can be all "new" if we are paying attention.  This is the only life I have right now; I want to savor it and not let it slip away to that time when I will awaken to the realization that it's already over...and went by so quickly.

At least that's the view from here....©