LESSON NOT YET LEARNED?

I've overextended myself.  My September calendar is chock full of commitments I've made to social engagements, political activities, classes, fundraisers, social justice events, volunteer gigs, grandkid sleepovers, family birthday celebrations, a rock concert, a garden going to seed...plus the Seahawks season has begun and Outlander Season 3 is on TV.

I learned this lesson years ago...not to schedule my life every waking moment.  But something went awry this month and I slipped back into "Sure, I can do that!" mode.  Almost every empty space on my "old school" paper Day Minder calendar has something written in.  I'm reminded of my post from last month where I talked about not being able to answer sufficiently when someone asked me what I do to "keep busy".  I need to send her a photo of my September calendar.

I love having a full, abundant life with lots of friend and family time (grandkids, childcare, family dinners, birthdays, gallery outings, coffees, breakfasts, lunches, craft days, Tribe gathering of we 12 who sit in circle together monthly, facilitated by Hub and me, so some prep work goes into it.)

I love being involved in social justice issues -- re-joining and attending a Physicians for Social Responsibility event (climate justice) and a Housing Hope dinner (homelessness/affordable housing).

I love political activities -- candidates' nights, hosting a house party for a city council candidate, and the usual Resistance work of contacting members of Congress over the latest policy outrage, attending "Together", A Womens' Empowerment Event with my SisteResistors.

I love my yoga classes, including the series of five one-on-one classes I'm taking with a Yoga Therapist who is helping me with my alignment and core strength to address some back pain from my mild case of scoliosis.

I am following doctor's orders to get moving more often on the treadmill or aerobics class.

I'm starting a Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction class (8 week series, plus full day retreat next month) to address my Demon Anxiety.   It's something I've wanted to do for years and finally it's offered here in my own community.

I'm still volunteering for my old foster care agency and wondering if I should contact the second grade teacher for my granddaughter and see if she can use a grandparent classroom volunteer.  I so loved that last year.

I love it all....and realize I'm barely keeping up.  The first 10 days of October look similarly booked, until we head to Chicago for a week.  After that, things clear out and I mean to keep it that way!

I've heard we keep repeating ourselves until the lesson we need to learn is truly learned.  Mine has to do with finding so many varied aspects of my life worth pursuing to the point of barely being present to any of it as I prepare for the next thing.  Here I am again, in an old familiar place.

The good news is, I've caught myself in time. I've at least learned to breathe through it all and find moments of calm and quiet in the midst of "too much to do".  I'm flipping the pages on my calendar seeing mid-October through the end of the year with lots of white space.  I'm in charge of keeping it that way.  I'll keep you posted.

At least that's the view from here...©

SCHEDULING SANITY

I use "old school" month-at-a-glance calendars; have for years.  And I keep the old ones in a file drawer.  They are a "diary" of sorts of the "busyness" of my life.  (The only one I've lost track of in the 25 years I've kept them is the one which documented the milestones of Son-Two's first year of life...I was sleep-deprived, a bit depressed part of the time, and completely overwhelmed by a 2 year old and a newborn...so losing that calendar, while a little tragic in terms of documentation, is also understandable). 

What I notice, when I glance through them on occasion, is that for most of those years I scheduled myself crazy.  Literally, perhaps, since in 1996 there were weekly "therapist" entries for several months.  I remember the depression, the overwhelming feelings of worthlessness, the near constant crying. Well, not constant exactly, because I apparently still led workshops, volunteered in my kids' classrooms, sat on committees all over town, helped oversee a major remodel on our home, helped my mother move from Illinois to Washington after my dad died...little things interspersed between counseling sessions.

Just over a year ago, shortly after the new year of 2011,  I sat in front of the fireplace during a meeting of my women's group and burned a replica of my calendar.  I had just had a very significant "wake up call".

(**NOTE: My women's group meets twice a month to focus on "personal work" -- meaning we meet to offer support and challenge to each other on our life's paths.  What makes us think, feel, and do what we think, feel, and do?  Does it serve us to stay stuck in a certain pattern?  If not, how can we break free?  How can we help shift the paradigm that no longer serves us?)

I had just been facilitated by one of the Sue's in a process of looking at my absolutely crazy-making pattern of over-committing and over-scheduling my life.  At one point, I was challenged to let go of some of the things I was involved in.  I agreed wholeheartedly, then when further challenged to name which things would go, I  began to negotiate and rationalize why I had to hang onto most of the things on my "to do" list of commitments.   Suddenly it struck me....I was like an addict; powerless over my calendar and my inner need to be needed, feel important, feel productive, and like my life had meaning beyond just "being".  I was all about "doing" to be of worth.

Why?  Maybe because when I was a child, children were to be "seen and not heard".  I felt invisible and ignored when I was "good" and I was never "bad"...that was a job for my brothers, who were perhaps braver than I in rebelling at the age appropriate time.  So as an adult, I lived my "goodness" to the extreme -- maybe for the notice and recognition and respect I'd always craved.  (There...that's what "personal work" looks like -- although it takes longer and is much messier.)

I realized in a sudden flash of recognition that I had to "burn my calendar", clear the dates, and start over.  Nothing scheduled.  Blank space.  How did that feel?  Was I of less worth?  Did my life have less meaning?  Could I still be seen, accepted, and appreciated if I didn't fill my time with do-gooder duties?  Scary stuff.  

Since then, and now retired from my job, I've completely reorganized my time and how I "spend" it.  Instead of retirement freeing me up to do more, I've decided to do even less.  I have a handful of activities and commitments that are meaningful to me.  And I have a lot of blank dates on my calendar.   I occasionally have a concern that this new slower pace falls stereotypically into the "getting older", "less energy" category.  But it really doesn't feel that way to me at all.  It just feels like I am finally taking responsibility for pacing my life in a way that feels full, satisfying, and not crazy-making busy.  It feels like I'm living now how I wish I had ALWAYS lived, regardless of age.  I'm finally just happy being...even if I'm not always doing.

At least, that's the view from here...©

**Interested in more info on "personal work" and a life-changing experience?  Check this out: http://www.ww-wc.org/woman-within-weekend