RANDOM THOUGHTS ON RANDOM SUBJECTS

The Muse showed up in September, then abandoned me in October.  In fact all of October flew by in such a rush I barely remember it.  But this being the last day, I decided to sit down and force something onto the page so that I can say I've never missed at least posting once a month since I started this blog.  So here we are with a few things on my mind.

HALLOWEEN:  When my boys were young this was my favorite holiday.  I went all out!  What's not to like?  It's basically a one day holiday; doesn't involve making a meal or having an obligatory gathering of family and/or friends; the decorations are fun and creative; you get to dress up as your alter-ego; AND you get to eat boatloads of candy that people just hand out for free!  

But this year I'm sort of taking a pass.  I usually decorate for Autumn in September, haul out the Halloween decor in October, put that away and get some turkey stuff out for November, then put it all away to start throwing red and green around the house in December.  This year I got out minimal Autumn decor and zero Halloween stuff.  I was going to go dark tonight, but I've now decided to hand out granola bars to the few kids who will come to my door.  Every year it's fewer and fewer and I don't know any of them.  Our neighborhood attracts families from other areas, so cars drive up, drop off their trick or treaters who plunder the 'hood and take off again.  I don't mind, but I don't know any of the kids, which makes it a little less fun.  So, we will see how it goes.  I'm mostly happy for my grandkids who are looking forward to their own Halloween fun in their neighborhood.

TRAVEL:  Do you watch PBS, especially anything Masterpiece?  Then you've seen the Viking River Cruise commercials.  We signed up for one leaving next spring -- the Grand European Tour from Amsterdam to Budapest.  Friends have raved about it.  Viking caters to the traveler's every whim, you feel pampered, see lots of cool stuff, and make friends for life.  Uh-huh.  Well, we spent one entire day on their website and on the telephone making our flight and excursion arrangements with Viking and let me just say, it was not seamless nor particularly easy.   However,  the Viking travel coordinator couldn't have been more accommodating.  It was just complicated. Maybe I'll do a whole post on that one day.  For now I am putting it out of my mind.

We took a less high stakes trip to San Diego last week.  A 5-day getaway as our rainy season here in the Pacific Northwest gets underway.  It was 72 and and sunny in SD, as advertised.  As always.  I don't think I'd get bored with that.  We did touristy things -- walked and walked as we always do and saw the main downtown/waterfront sights.  We did a trolly trip out to Coronado Island and walked on the beach.  We visited a Dia De Los Muertos celebration Old Town.  And saw more unfortunate un-homed people living on the street than my heart could tolerate.  

I will confess to a mixture of feelings -- great sympathy and curiosity about how so many lives became so desperate and sad.  Also, a feeling of guilt at my revulsion over the filth and smell of unwashed bodies and urine soaked sidewalks.  Also, frustration and helplessness over the intractable nature of addressing and solving this problem through policy, politics, and do-gooderism.  No matter which direction we headed from our hotel, we walked past individuals curled up in doorways and small tent cities under viaducts.  I mostly felt safe enough, but with the 'streetwise' caution of not really knowing if/when someone on drugs or with mental health issues might do something unexpected and threatening.  This is the reality of cities large and small to one degree or another.  It's sad.

FRIENDS:  Yesterday, just a week shy of our 6th anniversary, I and a group of my friends (who call ourselves the Coffeehouse Crew) had a rare in-person meet-up at a local restaurant.  Ten of of gathered around a big table and delighted in seeing whole live bodies after years now of meeting primarily on Zoom.  Before Covid we met monthly at a different coffeeshop each time.  Then Covid hit and many were feeling isolated, so we decided to meet weekly on Zoom.  We've continued to do this since we are also geographically spread out and some of us like to be in our jammies all day.  LOL  But we've decided that meeting in person occasionally would be great too so we will do that every so often, along with our Zoom gatherings.

I realized how much I've missed seeing those women in person.  I realize how infrequently I see anyone in person.  My introverted nature was delighted with the Covid lockdown.  No more forced socializing!  I kept up all my connections through FB, this blog, emails, cards, texts, Messenger....but my in-person interactions took a nosedive and has remained so even now.  I go out.  I do things.  I meet  friends for coffee or lunch now and again, but Hub and I rarely go to someone's home or have people over other than family.  It's so different from how it was in the "before times".  I'm realizing I've settled into a new way of being and I am discerning what that means and how that feels to me.  What I notice is that I'm good for about 90 minutes of social interaction, then I'm sort of exhausted.   I will have to work back up to full speed!  

GRATITUDE:  It's been a year since my right hip started to bug me.  I went to Physical Therapy early this year and that helped.  Then I signed up with a personal trainer in the spring and that helped too.  But this fall it has gotten worse, to the point where some days I can barely limp across the room.  (And other days, like on vacation last week, I walked 5-6 miles a day!)  So I'm going back to PT.  This has been such a humbling experience.  I've prided myself on my fitness and lack of chronic conditions that limit me.  I have greater empathy for how something can develop that can slow or stop you in your tracks and the cascading effects of that, both physically and emotionally.  I've gained weight since I've not been able to exercise and walk as much.  I've been in tears of frustration over feeling limitations in movement -- even simply going up a flight of stairs.  I'm less confident in my ability to do certain activities.  It sucks.  

AND I do not have anything life-threatening.  I do not have arthritis or joint deterioration.  This is all due to my scoliosis and a lifetime of compensation for spine curvature which has caused my muscles and supporting tendons, etc to tighten up and "hold on".  I need to do a lot of work to loosen and soothe, build strength, and hopefully find a way to live with this without pain or limitation.  And I have a great team of professionals who know how to help me -- doctor, physical therapist, trainer, yoga therapist.  So I'm humbled but grateful.  And grateful for having developed a desire to persevere.  I might feel like giving up in many areas of my life, but I don't.  Eventually I just find a way, a path, a guide, and I keep on.  Don't we all?

At least, that's the view from here...©

SISTERHOOD

There was a point in the new Little Women movie I saw recently where I found myself wiping tears away.  It wasn't any particular plot point that got me; it was the re-realization that I will never know what it's like to have a sister.  I was the middle child, bookended by brothers, made more isolating by the age gaps between us.  I loved them, of course, but our lives were lived in very different spheres with very different interests, experiences, and expectations.

My mother and I had a mother-daughter bond, and yet our differences (and my rebellions) created times of rift and drift that left me longing for a closer relationship, a bond of friendship as well as genetic connection.  She likely felt the same. We both disappointed each other and yet longed for each other too. That kept us happy to be together when we could; we worked to find ways to connect and thankfully did, in her later years.

I thought I might find the female familial connection I longed for if I had daughters.  I did not.  I raised two amazing boys into amazing men.  I loved being a mom to boys!  Little girl energy started to feel foreign, unfamiliar.  I realized I didn't know how to "be" with little girls anymore.  I didn't know "girly" things like French braids or glittery nail painting or having every surface covered in pink and purple do-dads.  Having declared my feminism in the early 70s I also declared I didn't like that girly stuff anyway...but maybe I sort of do.

Then came my daughters-in-law who are amazing women and I love and admire them.  We are forging friendships within this family of men, but I never forget that their original and still most important female connections are to the mothers and and in one case, sisters, they left behind when they moved here.   I don't have a long shared history with them and they are busy with their careers, families, and social lives that are not mine to interrupt with my own longings.  We don't talk daily, don't text to check in with each other multiple times a day/week, but I'm thrilled to spend time with them when I can and look forward to deeper bonding over time.

And then.....blessed be!  Granddaughters!  I adore them and they me.  And we have a bond of shared intimacy, experiences, emotions, teaching, and learning.  They are young and will necessarily pull away from me at some point -- hanging out with Grandma will not be quite so exciting as it is now when they are eager to be with me and shower me with hugs and laughter.  But I think what we are creating together will be part of the fabric of their lives that won't fray.  For me it will forever be a highlight of my life.

Family aside, I also realize that I've made "surrogate" sisters in the form of female friendships.  I've always had a best friend or two.  Female friendship is very important to me, maybe precisely because I didn't have sisters.  Without my women friends, I am adrift in a world teeming with testosterone.  Maybe it's why I've spent 45 years in various groups of women: consciousness-raising groups, co-op preschools, PTA, women's personal growth groups, activist groups formed by women, yoga studios, a career in female-dominated social services.  Maybe it's why the sisterhood of feminism called so strongly to me and still does.

I realize I idealize the relationships between kin sisters.  They are not all loving and healthy and fun.  Sisters don't all band together in hard times, play together in good times, overcome obstacles, support each other, and end up bonded for life, like the March sisters of Little Women fame.  Still, when I hear a friend refer to her sister, I'm a bit envious.  It sounds like something exotic and unknown, something I just don't "get".  I watched that movie as if visiting a different world and I wondered...what would it be like to have a sister?

At least, that's the view from here....©

JUDGE NOT

My new year is not starting out so super great.

Right off the bat, Hub left for nearly 2 weeks on a snowboarding trip.  He came back with a painful knee that he could no longer ignore.  I wrote about that in January.  Since then he's been almost full time making various medical appointments with specialists to address knee, foot, and shoulder issues.  Looks like Job #1 is a total knee replacement in the spring.  Always an athlete who is in great shape and who still wants to take on all manner of physical challenges with skill and confidence, he initially felt sidelined and despondent.  But now with a plan in place, he's moving forward, so that's good, but I'm still worried about all of it because that's what I do.

His absence was a challenge for me, given my wee anxiety disorder.  I don't like being home alone.  But instead of fretting and lamenting, I tried a different tack.  I pretended he didn't exist.  What if there was NO alternative to me being home alone?!  Voila!  No resentment.  I had to just put on my big girl panties and live my own independent, single lady life.  I called to mind all my strong, capable, live-alone woman friends... and you have no idea how much you all helped me!  I also did a daily check-in with a BFF, and felt loved and safe in her knowing all was OK with me and if she didn't hear from me, she knew to send in the militia.  What would we do without our women friends?  No idea.

So pretending he didn't exist got me through the weeks, but made it a difficult adjustment when he got back....hmmm.  Glitch in the plan.  I empathize with military wives who miss their man when deployed, learn to get on without him, then find there is a big adjustment to be made when he returns.  So, yeah, that was a thing.

Then I seemed to run into a buzzsaw of unintended pissing people off.  I also mentioned in my January post that Son Two and his fiancé had had enough of my judgmental side comments about big weddings with big price tags and my "joking" advice that they just elope.  When he sat me down with the 'knock it off' request, I knew he was right.  I recalled when I overstepped a couple times with my advice to Son One and my DIL too.

And then Hub and I had a significant disagreement last week, that has been an ongoing conversation, where my judgements also play a part.  Sometimes I apparently express my opinions like a reformed smoker who thinks those who still smoke should quit too, instead of recognizing that some people still smoke...and that I should just shut up about it.  "This doesn't affect you", he says.

So, given my super strong ego and ability to take in criticism in a healthy, confident, "Gee, thanks" manner, none of this phased me in the least.  NOT!  Naturally I dove into the pit of hell and decided I was the world's worst mother, wife, friend, human being.  Blah Blah Blah.

So, I start February a woman on a mission to be a "no-judgement, "no-comment", "no-advice" zone.  The problem with this is that I find I have very little to say.  I go silent in conversations, rehearsing if my pithy comeback and clever repartee is full of judgement, or if I'm about to say something that is less than kind or charitable or is dismissive or, hell, I don't know...just WRONG.  Given that I apparently am often unaware when I'm being hurtful, it makes it hard to trust my judgement. (Judgment being judged!  Oh, it's all so confusing!)  But I'm trying.  It's an interesting challenge to just observe and offer data-driven feedback.

Here, try this.  At breakfast at a local restaurant, my food wasn't as good as it usually is in this place.  I might have made a joke to my dining partner along the lines of, "Sheesh, the cook must be hungover today.  This omelette sucks."  Then we laughed and told shitty food stories for awhile, starting with how bad a cook I am.  Instead, I guess I should have said, "Guess this omelette is not hitting the spot today."  Data.  No judgement.  Nothing more to say.

Maybe as I get better at this it won't seem so lifeless to me.

I'm pretty sure I haven't actually left a wide swath of hurt feelings in my path of family and friendships.  People seem to like me well enough and appreciate how I behave in the groups I frequent.  I think.  I hope.  But there is always room for improvement and I've been knocked silly by recent events, so I'm all in with trying to rid myself of commentary that may serve some purpose in the moment, but as Hub warned, can also ultimately be isolating if no one can live up to what may be interpreted as my exacting standards, I guess.  Don't want that, so hey, live and let live.  Then I'll decide how much of how you are living I can accept in order to remain in integrity with my own life.  A girl's gotta draw the line somewhere.

At least, that's the view from here...©

Photo Credit: www.pixabay.com

CROSSROADS

Last weekend Hub and I joined the other 10 friends in a group we affectionately call "The Tribe" at our second annual weekend retreat.  We've been meeting together monthly since February 2016 for socializing, a potluck, and intentional sharing time in Circle, where we sometimes have a topic to explore that allows us to be self-reflective, and sometimes just a time of sharing deeply with each other about what's going on in our lives.  It goes beyond small talk by creating a safe and trusting space to be vulnerable.  Hub and I generally facilitate this since we have done this type of "personal growth" work in our own lives and have some experience facilitating these discussions.  But we also participate fully and gain as much from the time together as anyone.  It's a gift of love that gives back.

We planned a retreat for last year and we all loved it so much, we decided to do it again.  This time we rented a huge and beautiful home in the mountains on the edge of a little town that is very touristy with a Bavarian theme, but is surrounded by natural beauty.  The home sat on the edge of a river lined with trees in full fall regalia.  It looks like a fake photo; it's not.  We were in awe all weekend as all the windows of the communal rooms faced this view.

Our theme this year was "Crossroads" as we explored what our gift might be that we desire to bring forth into the world, but for whatever reason have held ourselves back from realizing.

We identified the "gift" and we studied and had fun with a personality construct called "The Enneagram" which is similar to Myers-Briggs in identifying certain characteristics of personality types.  Then we did a process which Hub masterfully facilitated for 11 people (and me for him), over the course of 5 hours.  To hold space and energy for emotional work that long is exhausting...he was a rock star!  But aside from my pride and awe of his facilitation skill, was the deep appreciation I had for each person stepping into their lives deeply and with great reverence.  As each walked the timeline of their lives, identifying 2-3 significant events, Hub was able to guide them in seeing how their life experiences and their personality types had both shaped their gift and also perhaps held them back from sharing this gift widely.

As each reached the "crossroads" they could take a step forward, recognizing they are already on the path and just need to take the first step into making their gift to world manifest.  Or they could veer left or right, realizing the path they were on needed to detour into a path more suited to their desire.  Every person stepped forward.  All realized they are already living their gift in some ways; they just needed clarity about the next step.

At the end each was given a slip of paper where I'd written the sentence describing their gift and the next step they will take within the next 30 days.  A duplicate of this was drawn anonymously by another Tribe member to hold that person "in the light" until we meet again and reveal who had been their Champion for the month.

Creating this experience was work, fun, interesting, and enlightening for Hub and me.  It was based on something Hub has done with his men's groups over the years, but was new to me.  I added the identifying the gift part (through a guided visualization) and the Enneagram stuff and we are delighted at the result.  Everyone seemed to gain from the experience.

This work of the heart and soul has always been important to me, and more so as I grow older.  Too often we assume we've done everything there is to do; "can't teach an old dog new tricks"; "it's too late to change direction" or to follow that heart-dream we've always had.  This limiting belief system is so detrimental to our psyche!  In growing older there is still room for growing.  

As for me?  My Gift Statement is "I find creative ways to connect and communicate with others to inspire and empower them to live confidently and boldly."  It's always a bit grandiose to state a gift or life mission in such confident terms, but looking at my adult life, I see this is actually exactly what I love to do.  I've done it in so many ways, successfully and less so, and it continues to be my passion.  I think it is especially dear to me because it's a gift I also give to myself.  I too want to empower and inspire ME by being in community with others who value this work as well.

Right now, I'm hoping that I can empower and inspire through my writing.  So my "first baby step" is to commit to sitting down at my computer two days a week with the sole intention of writing...no FB scrolling, no email answering, no newsfeed reading -- just working on a writing project.  My blogs will always be priority and I'm looking at other avenues for writing for connection as well.

What is your gift to the world?  What holds you back?  Are you on the right path or are you at a Crossroads?  Now is the time to take the first step...

At least, that's the view from here...©

WRITER'S BLOCK -- PART 3 -- FAMILY & FRIENDS

It hardly seems fair to "blame" family and friends for my dearth of writing time and energy lately.  They certainly aren't making unrealistic demands on my time.  In fact, far from it.  I'm happy to spend time with the people I love!  And I do.

We do Granny Nanny (and Papa) Care for our two-year-old granddaughter 2 days a week.  Throughout the school year I volunteered a morning a week in our seven-year-old granddaughter's classroom.  About once a week or so we host a family dinner at our house for our sons and their partners and the Grands.  Last month we all went on a Family Vacation together for 3 days at the beach.  We just completed a 3 night/4 day "sleepover" event with the Grands while their mommy and daddy had some away time together without kids.  We'll do it again in September, a week after also providing before and after sport camp care (and chauffeuring) for our seven-year-old granddaughter's first soccer/baseball/football experience.  We celebrate birthdays and holidays together.  We absolutely love that our family lives nears us and are so grateful that they want to be part of our lives and invite us to be part of theirs.

I feel equally blessed by my friendships.  I have spontaneous coffee dates aplenty; a standing breakfast with one friend weekly and with another a regular lunch date.  I travel with friends, celebrate birthdays, holidays, and retirements.  I sometimes host a "Girls Movie Night" at my house and recently a "Garden Yarning" event for knitting and crocheting blankets for refugee centers.  Hub and I stay in touch with old friends who've moved a bit further north with an every other month Happy Hour date and see other friends as well when the occasion arises.  Monthly, for the past 18 months, a group of twelve close friends gathers for a meal and a sharing circle in each other's homes.  Hub and I facilitate the discussion.  We are planning our next group weekend retreat in the fall.  We are so happy and blessed to have this abundance of fabulous people in our lives!

I try to keep space on my calendar for "open time" too.  I used to schedule every day, almost every minute.  I don't do that anymore.  I've learned to say "no" even to things that sound like fun, because I need my quiet, recharging time.

I have always marveled at the likes of J.K. Rowling and others who say they wrote "in their spare time":  after the kids were in bed, sitting in their cars, waiting at the doctor's office.  I just have never been able to really write on demand.  I'm practicing a bit now, though, with the yoga blog.  Since I do get paid for that I sometimes "make" myself come up with a topic and a blog post and it usually works out fine.

Perhaps a bit more discipline for this blog is called for.  I'm using the excuse that time, energy, and attention span due to a busy life are the culprits.  It could be my tendency to procrastinate and wait for vast expanses of time to access the muse and get an idea down in print.

Just writing these three posts about why I don't write has been instructive for me.  I see where my time and energy go and it's not always to a good place. (Hello, wallowing in political despair!)  July is nearly over and August soon upon us.  Maybe I'll make an August Resolution to embrace the Nike tag line:  JUST DO IT!

At least, that's the view from here...©

Photo Credit:  123rf.com

PRE-MARCH TANTRUM

Well, the Shiny Sisters (two close friends and me) gathered in my living room today.  I thought it was going to be a two-hour coffee and catch-up since we've all been busy with the holidays and then travels since the first of the year.  But no.  It was a 5 hour gab-fest.

Gab-fest sounds like a bunch of giddy gals gossiping and eating bonbons.  We did NOT gossip.  (And we ate a winning combination of chocolate covered candied pecans, tangerines, and dried apple slices.  Fruits and nuts in other words. Healthy.)

We are all marching on Saturday in the Seattle version of the post-inaugural Women's March on Washington DC.  Seattle is projected to have the 2nd or 3rd largest march in the nation.  We'll see.  But the numbers 50,000-100,000 marchers has been bandied about.  I don't really like crowds, so I'm panicking ever such a little bit.   I hope to stick to the edges -- an aisle seat so to speak.

Thinking and planning around our participation in the march today, we three all agreed that the shock of November 8th has not really worn off.  Nothing is the same as it was before then in terms of emotional stability.  Anger, rage, disbelief, and dismay fight with the longing for peace, understanding, calm, and presence.  Overwhelm and the inability to discern what is most important among the multitudes of issues arising struggle with the desire to focus on that particular issue or two that speaks to our hearts most passionately, such that we can shut out the other calls for demands on time and attention and devote ourselves to that which we feel most drawn to protect, to promote, to ensure.  So much is at stake.  So much just feels crazy right now.

We three are a microcosm of the emotional upheaval that is causing, in my judgment, an entire nation to feel rather tense and unsure.  One of he Shinys started out stating that she is cynical that the system itself can be trusted; that nothing we do will really matter; nothing will change for either party.  We are doomed.  The other Shiny offered that the Republic may not survive; that Citizens United has us all in its clutches and the money flowing to candidates will win out over the cries of protesters, but still we must try.  Both felt a focus on "working locally" was likely the more strategic and productive way to go.   I sat there slouching in my chair pissed and deflated.  Why were we making all these calls to legislators on speed dial then?  Why was I sending emails and letters and reading about arcane Senate voting rules and memorizing names of Senate committee members?  Why were we even marching?

"Local?"  I sort of shouted.  "What the hell does that even mean?  Do I have to go sit at a School Board meeting and discuss next year's paper towel budget?  Go to a city council meeting and listen to ordinance issues?  Find out who the hell is on the county council cuz I'm ashamed to admit I don't even know?!?   How does "local" translate into pushing back on a president who is a crazy man and an agenda that will gut the progress we've made on so many human rights and environmental fronts?"

I sort of had a tantrum; I felt like "Fuck it; I'm wasting too much time on this.  Where's my coloring book?"  But of course, my vacillation between rage and inspired activism on every level is that of so many these days.  The tension between wanting to fix this brokenness somehow and just being so overwhelmed and angry at this predicament means the screaming and crying need to periodically be given voice in order to calm again and move forward with some modicum of intelligence and grace.  Emotions need to vent; then the mind can proceed to planning and doing.

So, off we will go.  You should see the multi-paged organizational document one Shiny has produced for the group of 20 of us who are meeting for dinner the night before, staying in Seattle at a downtown hotel, then getting ourselves to the starting point of the 4 mile march and home again from the end point.  It has taken so much time, skill, determination, and passion to create just this logistical plan.

But it feels good and we feel ready -- doubts, cynicism, anger, dismay, and all.  Because you show up.  Because this is time for not backing down, not accepting the unacceptable.  None of us want to be loud and rude and certainly not violent.  I will be marching in silence as is being encouraged by the march organizers (and rejected by those who want to shout out their chants and pains).   But putting bodies on the front lines, getting off the sofa, away from the computer, turning off the TV and making our own bit of history will make a statement and we will take a stand for our values, our vision, our ideals.  It's what must happen on Saturday because it's the right thing to do.

I hosted two movie nights at my house pre-election, one about the suffrage movements in England and one about the same in the US.  At the time it was a celebration of women and the power of the vote, on what we thought was the eve of electing our first woman president.  Now I think of those brave women and join them in what may well be mean streets, where our banners will wave, our signs will be hoisted, and our voices will rise loudly or be muted in silent witness to this country I love, to the Republic which must stand.

At least, that's the view from here....©

GIVING THANKS LIST

I recently was reminded of the importance of a daily gratitude practice.  I used to keep a Gratitude Journal back when it was recommended by Oprah and I always did as Oprah directed.  But as those things do, it fell by the wayside.  It may be time to start again.

I've had a hard time feeling grateful this month.  First of all I've had a cold and lingering cough for over a month that is just about to take me under.  Of course the election result actually did take me under for about two weeks, as I dealt with the raw gut punch of that reality every morning upon awakening.  I emerged from my coma of grief and disbelief almost a week ago to find myself moving toward determination and activism, if not optimism.  Last Saturday it felt like the fog was lifting -- or maybe I'd just stopped taking codeine cough syrup during the day.  Whatever.  I felt I could actually function again without spending part of every day in tears and despair.

So, on this Thanksgiving Day I give thanks:

1.)  I am incredibly grateful for the wise, witty, determined example of those who are walking this path of political outrage and determination with me:  Pantsuit Nation and Pantsuit Nation Washington Chapter are a constant source of online inspiration and support; dozens of columnists have written eloquently about the election -- the whys and what nows -- in ways that increase my understanding and serve as motivation and a reality check; personal friends have come together in community to share and support each other.  I hosted a group of women friends a week ago -- six of us sitting in my living room expressing outrage, fear, and grief, but leaving with a sense of not being alone and that we can stand and rise again; our Tribe of friends gathered at our house last Saturday for a similar time of sharing, then focused on what we are grateful for, which served to shift energy away from despair to hope; my FB family and friends who share and comment and offer counsel and support.  Say what you will about social media, it has its good points.  I'm thankful for this:  http://www.onbeing.org/blog/parker-palmer-start-close-in/9057

2.)  Aside from the cataclysm of the election, this morning I write in this damp dawn, watching the rivulets of rain on the window and am grateful for this earth that sustains us, for the food I'll eat today that came from this earth and for all of those planters, growers, harvesters, transporters, marketers...everyone it took to create a feast at my table.  I'm thankful for the life of the turkey we will eat and hope that 'free range' allowed it at least a little more movement in its brief life.

3.)  I'm thankful for my lovely home, which we use to seek refuge, to welcome friends, to gather in family; for the electricity that illuminates my desk; for the clean clear water that made my coffee; for the warm radiators that are heating my house on this cool, damp morning; for my stove and refrigerator and all the conveniences I have that make my life easier.  I'm thankful for my car that allows me freedom of movement and facilitates adventures and connections near and far.

4.)  I am thankful for my teachers -- those who broaden my intellectual horizons; those who know the ways of the body and how to keep it healthy and strong; those who hold my emotional upsets gently and give me tools for going on and teach me to radically accept myself and have some self-compassion; those who show me my true Self through meditation, yoga, and Kirtan.

5.)  I'm thankful for friends -- for those who know me and love me anyway, who have my back and offer wise counsel, astute challenge, and ready celebration.  I hope I'm as good a friend to them.

6.)  I'm thankful for my extended family -- sisters-in-law, nieces, nephew and their families -- reminding me that I am not alone in the world as the only surviving member of my original family.  Life goes on and family endures.

7.)  I'm thankful for the family I've created; incredibly, indescribably thankful for my family.  Hub my mate for 48 years, since our first date, and 44 years married; what would my life be without him in it?  My sons who will never, ever know the depth of my love for them because it is unfathomable.  For my daughter-in-law who is an example to me every day of quiet grace, determination, and humor.  For Son Two's girlfriend who brings him such happiness and who has joined our family with kindness and good humor.  For my granddaughters who are only the most beautiful, courageous, brightest stars in the galaxy.  I look at them and hold them with such joy, such hopes for their future, such confidence they will make the world a better place as they grow into their power and presence in the world.  They are my legacy and if I can influence them even a tiny bit with my passion for life and good works, I will feel my life justified.

8.)  I am thankful for my health -- physical, emotional, and spiritual -- all of which allows me to sit in this place of grateful humility this morning with the hope that I'll be here throughout another unfolding year, with its joys and challenges, knowing every day will be a day for which to be grateful.

At least, that's the view from here...©

THE TRIBE

"I want to be seen, to be known, to feel a part of a caring community."  "I'm afraid to show my true self; I'm afraid of rejection; I'm afraid I'll screw up and people won't like me."

With these two competing heart sentiments, The Tribe was born.   We are embarking on a Grand Experiment -- forming an intentional community of adults who are seeking intimacy in friendship.
Looking back, the way we came together was an organic accident.  Among the group are those who felt adrift after the loss of our church home (lots of words already typed about the "Great Unraveling"); those who still go to that church but are seeking a deeper connection in community; those with no connection there, but wanting something "more", something "different" in friendship.

We got together to eat.  People love to gather around a meal and this group has some creative and passionate cooks and eaters!  Food, laughter, and lively conversation led some of us to ask...could we be more than a supper club?  Hub and I have experience in facilitating groups.  We offered to lead a discussion where we would vision what we might create together.  Each person talked about what they want (connection) and what might hold them back from getting it (fear).   We talked about what we might do together -- meet regularly, eat, laugh, make music and art, take trips, do good in the world through social and political action.  Sometimes these out-in-the-world activities would include the whole group and sometimes a subset of the group, whoever wanted to join in.   No pressure; just an invitation.

Several months into this, we twelve have grown closer, shared the ups and downs, joys and challenges of life.  We've taken risks in revealing our true selves.  We've laughed and cried together.  We've shared our life stories -- where we came from and what formed us, what significant events contributed to who we've become, and how we might want to change our story for the next chapter of our lives.  We are between 50 and 80 years in age.  Some still work, some are retired, some have children and grandchildren, some don't.  Some are excited about the next phase of life, some confused and fearful.  We live within no more than about 20 minutes driving distance of each other.  We rotate our monthly gatherings in each other's homes, everyone contributing to a meal and then an extended and facilitated time of "circling up" to check in on what's happening in each other's lives, how we're feeling, maybe discuss a topic that helps peel another layer of emotional armor from our hearts.  Sometimes we include singing, chanting, or meditating, or do a gentle qigong movement practice to get us out of our chairs.  We are exploring what it means to be spiritual beings on a human journey, or, simply human.

We are mostly in awe at this point that this experiment has become an important place of community and connection.   We set an intention with a vision and with a willingness to commit to each other.  We show up, physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually.

We know that this tender beginning needs nurturing and care, so we've decided to be a "closed group" for now at least and maybe always.  We'll see.  We are still forming.  In fact, we've been a bit secretive, worrying that others may feel we are a clique.  It is not our intention to be separate, but it is our intention to protect the safety we've created with each other.  Yet, hiding this joyful enterprise doesn't feel honest or authentic to me.  So with a warning to the group that I might do so at some point, I am writing about it today.

My offer to anyone interested in forming a similar group is that I (and Hub and maybe others of us), would be willing to mentor others in doing something similar.  Is your heart longing for connection?  Are you willing to be vulnerable enough to open yourself to learning a different way of communicating, a different way of being with people that goes beyond small talk?  Are you ready to know yourself better, change what you want to change, celebrate that which needs celebrating and take a journey of the soul with another?

Then gather 'round the hearth with something good to eat, a smile, a tear, and a warm hug and dive in.  In these times of discord, it helps to have a Tribe.

At least, that's the view from here....©

WORDS THAT ACTUALLY CAME FROM MY MOUTH

Today I went to lunch on the waterfront with two good friends....my Shiny Sisters....one of whom has an upcoming birthday that necessitated another occasion of food, friendship, and laughter.  I don't recall why the three of us started calling ourselves the Shiny Sisters.  I think it had to do with the other two reminiscing about a shopping expedition where they realized they were drawn to shiny objects -- rather like a murder of crows.  Now I think we just like to think of ourselves as, well, shiny and bright and fun.  We've become the shiny objects.

Anyway, the Shiny Sisters were bidding each other goodbye in the parking lot after lunch when I reminded them I will be gone for a few days with no internet or cell reception.  I exclaimed, "I won't be able to email you.  Or text you.  Or get on Facebook.  It will be as if I don't even EXIST!"  One of the Sisters got a shocked look on her face, just before she doubled over in laughter.  I slapped my hand over my mouth, "Did I just say that???  Out loud???"  Yes, the consensus was that I had indeed equated my very existence to my online presence.

I have nothing more to say about this at the moment, as I blog....online.  You may want to discuss amongst yourselves.  I imagine it will go something like this:

1.  "Donna really is addicted; she's lost her entire sense of self to the monkey on her back."
2.   No one really exists in the real world anymore.  We've all become cyber-drones.  Power up!
3.   Existence is merely a construct of the human mind; there is no existence.

I'm logging off for now; powering down; going to sleep.  Will restart in a few days, unless I lose my power cord.

At least, that's the view from here...©

LET'S TALK ABOUT MY BIRTHDAY!

Christmas is over for 2015.  It was great.  Mellow and fairly stress free,  except that just like Thanksgiving, I find there is too much time spent in the kitchen, prepping, serving, and cleaning up.  It feels sort of out of balance, time-wise, for a 30 minute-meal payoff.  Maybe we should all eat more slowly.   We might linger longer if our dining room chairs were more comfortable.  (Re-upholstering with new foam cushions is on the "to do" list for 2016.)

So, let's talk about my birthday!!!

Hub says if I die first, he will be sure to mention at my Memorial Service how much I love my birthday.  And I do!  I don't know why.  I've lamented that it comes so close to Christmas and as a kid it frequently got all rolled into one.  (Now I insist that my gifts NOT be wrapped in Christmas paper!)  But having a holiday birthday is kind of fun too, because the world is already in a festive mood!

This year was a "big" one -- 65.  Our culture has decided this is a milestone birthday, but in thinking about it, that basically came about due to a financial/career decision made at some point that 65 would signify the traditional retirement age and the age at which we Elders get on the dole and can receive Social Security benefits and Medicare.  Now that the retirement age is all over the map and Social Security can be taken "early" or "late", those things don't really signify anything at 65 anymore.  I did get to sign up for Medicare and experienced the learning curve of what the heck "supplemental" insurance is.  But other than that, so far 65 feels a lot like 64.  And likely like 66; we'll see.

I was flattered by the offers from family and friends to throw me a party.  I like my birthday, but I don't like birthday parties.  So I declined.  What I like is an extended birthday celebration, so that's what I created and was treated to.  Perfect-o!

On Birthday Eve I went to my usual morning Yoga class, then off to a Holiday/Volunteer Appreciation Luncheon put on by the social service agency where I worked for 10 years before retiring.  I'm officially volunteering there now two days a month, so I got an invite and a gift card.  It was a nice kick-off to my birthday weekend to spend time there with my BFF and former supervisor, although a bit startling to realize I only knew about a dozen of the 60 or so in attendance.  Time marches on.

That evening a dear friend hosted a dinner party for me.  We six gathered to enjoy her considerable culinary skills in a home decorated beautifully for the holidays.  My women friends (we three are the "Shiny Sisters", a moniker we've adopted and I don't recall why...but who doesn't like shiny things???), gave me lovely gifts, one of which is a bit over the line of R-rated, and a hoot!  Then I was surprised by an after-dinner gathering in the living room where Hub and my friends feted me with prose, poetry, and song.  It was so moving and so beautiful for me to hear (BEFORE the Memorial Service) the ways in which I have touched their lives, the things they appreciate about me, their wishes and blessings upon my "Third Age" stage of life.  Such creativity from my poet, theater, and musician friends!  And Hub moved me to tears by bringing a recording of a song that has special meaning for us -- sort of the story of our tumultuous early married years and the gratitude we have for  our ability to survive and grow in love together to an age we never could have imagined back then.

On birthday morning, I sat around drinking coffee and chatting with Hub, a favorite pastime and one that happens too rarely as we go about our hustle, bustle lives.  Early afternoon I headed for the spa and treated myself to a 90 minute "Vitality" treatment:  foot soak and foot, ankle and calf massage, then a relaxing full body massage with hot stones, then an "anti-aging" eye treatment.  I don't know if I reversed aging at all, but at one point I flashed on that old query:  "On your deathbed what will you wish you'd done differently?"  My answer: I didn't get enough massages.  I'm gonna fix that in 2016.

Late in the afternoon we met friends of 32 years for Happy Hour at one of our favorite local places with a view of Puget Sound and the ferry landing. But the view was secondary.  What I know is no matter where we meet, I am always renewed by their company -- the history of old friends shared, the goofiness, the wit, the laughter.  It was a highlight.

From there we drove to Seattle (in a traffic snarl, reminding us why we so rarely make that trip anymore, sadly) to attend a Kirtan with the amazing Gina Sala.  I'm going to plug my other blog here so you can read about a Kirtan if you don't know what that is (and poke around in the blog for a minute.  I keep telling you it's not just for Yogis!)  : http://circlingthemat.blogspot.com/2015/12/make-joyful-noise-kirtan-coming-to-yoga.html  I was transported, as always, by the warm energy of those in attendance, the music, the mantra.  Ahhh...

On post-Birthday morning, my "kids" all showed up for brunch prepared by Hub.  I had lots of help from our 6 year-old Angel to open presents, the food was delicious and my gratitude for every single moment with them was beyond measure.  I don't know what I thought it would be like to have grown children, their partners, and grandchildren in my life -- I don't think I had a clear idea of it.  Or if I did, I might have assumed they would only show up out of obligation and avoid us when they could.  Imagine my delight that they actually seem to ENJOY family time and coming home to see Mom and Dad.  So blessed.

The afternoon found us in front of the TV, our Sunday ritual, cheering for the Seahawks.  They won!  Then off to a Holiday/Caroling Party which had nothing to do with my birthday, but I included it in my personal festivities nonetheless.  It is such fun to hang out with friends who are musicians.  We are not musical at all, something I regret, so maybe that's why I am drawn to those who are.  We had such fun singing and banging away on various percussion instruments while those who can played guitar and piano.  Plus, yep, I got another lively rendition of Happy Birthday and a Tiramisu cake!

So, now I'm 65 and I think the celebration was worthy of that milestone.  I appreciate those who endure and indulge my birthday every year.  I crammed a lot into that weekend, as well as a get-away BD/holiday weekend the week prior and a sweet and festive BD breakfast with my BFF a few days later.   Then Christmas came along, so it was a busy week.  I've always said December 26th is my favorite day of the year -- a day for relaxing and letting the craziness of December start to fade away; my goal this week is to do just that.

At least, that's the view from here...©

VALENTINE'S DAY LAMENT

Seems like I write about my mom a lot.  An armchair analyst wouldn't have to stretch far to intimate that I may be working through a few issues.  Nothing major, mind you.  I just have a few teeny tiny regrets about how impatient I was with her at times.  She didn't "get" me and my feminist ire, social justice protests, and committee meeting priorities -- and I thought I was oh so insightful about her.  Ah, youthful arrogance.

Well, anyway, the other night as I stood over the stove stirring curry for one (Hub was away on a snowboarding adventure), I felt pretty lonely and my mom popped into my head.  I could hear her say to me, as she often did on the phone after my dad died, "I get so lonely sometimes."  Here's a good example of my lack of compassion and understanding..."Well, why don't you get out and make some friends?  What about those ladies at the church?" (My parents moved 4 years earlier to a small town away from the city they'd lived most of their lives in order to be near my brother and his family; they never really made good friends there.)  I said it nicely, encouragingly, but still.

I've come to realize that even when one has tons of friends, and I am fortunate enough to have a goodly sum, there is still loneliness at times for the intimacy and comfort of a partner or housemate who is there for you, who brings you joy and companionship without it seeming like an occasion for chatter, laughter, a project to work on, or an event to share.

Then it hit me.  My mom and I could have been those friends.  We could have been roomies, comfortable together, if life had dealt that hand.  Not as we were back then.  But as I am now.  I figure the me in my 60s has a lot in common with my mom in her 70s.  I wish we could share stories of having grown children, being grandmas, go over old family photo albums, write, crochet, sew, clean out cabinets (I'd let her cook and bake...still don't have that in common), watch a little TV, go for a walk, practice some Yoga. (She did Sun Salutations every morning for 20 years or more...before I even cared a whit about Yoga, which is now my passion).  All the things I find myself doing now as an empty-nesting, retired woman heading toward elderhood (OK, fine, already there, I suppose) are things she enjoyed too.

I think I miss her so lately because we finally have so much in common.  Believe me, I never saw that coming!

I think it's too bad I've only come to appreciate my mother in her elder years now that I am an elder too.  I was so busy with kids, friends, volunteer work, a career, a big house, a husband.  I loved my mom and we got along, but so often I felt we had such differing values and views and goals.  Now it's all evened out -- and she is gone.  Sort of that Cat's in the Cradle song in reverse, I guess.  That one laments a father who missed his kids' growing up years.  I am a daughter who missed years of her mother's adult friendship.

Makes me sad on this day set aside for love.  ©

At least, that's the view from here....