QUIET MIND, GOOD FEELING, NO FISH

If you read my last post on June 1 https://myviewfromhere-donna.blogspot.com/2023/06/giving-up-on-hope.html, you know I had an epiphany and it led to acting upon my life in a new, less emotionally stressed and frantic way.  I'm here to report that it's still working!  Mostly. 

I have, however, felt a bit of a crisis of confidence lately about two things:  1.) my yoga teaching, now done mostly through a private Facebook group with hopefully inspiring posts and weekly or so Facebook Live videos, with little/no poses; mostly yoga/life philosophy, and,  2.) this blog.

It's often hard for me to believe anyone really cares what I have to say, which may be the most important insight I've had lately. LOL   So, I've been quiet.  No FB Live videos and no blog posts for over a month.  And yet, I feel an internal urge to say stuff out loud anyway hoping, but never knowing, if it might positively impact someone. And now I'm back sharing again.  So, I invite you to take what resonates and leave the rest.

The Three Principles teachings I've been studying (see previous post) talk about having a "quiet mind" and a "good feeling".  Hub and I are on a similar path lately and we've committed to meditating together for 30 minutes every morning.  Some days my mind is so, so quiet.  Other days it is not.  Both are fine -- the human condition is that we think.  It's what we do.  But when we can see that some thinking is often not serving our best interest (ruminating, future-ing, regretting, etc) we can breathe and come back to being in the here and now by focusing on the senses and getting quiet, or closer to it.  And when I am in that quieter state, I feel more at peace.  It's a good feeling.

I've become very aware that I/we "live in the feeling of our thoughts".  What we think, leads to how we feel.  Together this creates our personal reality.  We are only one thought away from a new reality! 

This is liberating for me, one who thinks herself into anxiety-producing worst case scenarios and self-loathing depressions on a cyclical basis.  Also I think I know what everyone else is thinking too and I add that to my list of thinking myself into believing things that may or may not be true, but are mostly not my business.  It's exhausting and unnecessary.  

My thinking mind needs to realize that I have infinite possibilities for thought and I don't have to return to those well worn grooves of worry.  The circumstances aren't doing me in -- it's my thoughts about circumstances that get me.  (It's why several people can experience the very same thing and have very different responses to it.  Our thoughts create our personal reality -- every time!)

Anyway...in my quieter absence from yakking at people in various places,  I've mostly spent the last few weeks staring at an empty aquarium.

I decided a little over a month ago to get my own tank.  Son One is a serious hobbiest and I've enjoyed his enthusiasm for his aquariums.  On a bit of an impulse, I decided to give it a try.  Something new to learn (chemistry!), a live thing to care for (fish!), and a pretty thing to look at (clear water, colorful movement, relaxing aesthetic!)  Son One took me shopping and we got my 10 gallon tank set up with live plants and a two Nerite snails.  But wait....no fish???  

My first learning was about "cycling" or "seasoning" the tank.  It's very science-y and I'm still learning and my head is spinning with conflicting information, but I'm loving this so far.  Get the plants established and water parameters stabilized, then add fish.  This can take several weeks unless you do it with chemicals, which I am not.  Mother Nature is my friend.

My water plants are growing like crazy. (Valestinaria, Red Tiger Lotus, and Crytocoryne Wendtii Green).  My Red Lotus has sent up three new shoots of leaves to float atop the water.  So pretty.  I have some other green floating plants that Son One gave me too -- not sure what they are.  One of my Nerites died, sadly.  The other is doing well.  I added two Mystery Snails which are growing and seem healthy and busy.  (Did you know they eat blanched green beans, cucumbers, spinach...??? So cool!)

I check my water chemistry daily and it's pretty stable.  After 4-1/2 weeks, I might be ready to add some fish soon, but part of me almost doesn't want to.  I am  learning patience and how to create a watery eco-system, not just something pretty to look at.  (Algae is a good thing in a new tank!)  Fish will just complicate things.  And be beautiful, of course.  So there's that.

Yet, if I think my aquarium MUST have fish, my feeling right now would be one of impatience and frustration.  But if I think my aquarium is an environment that is evolving and each day brings new change and new learning, the feeling I have is one of wonder and joy with what's right in front of me.  

Quiet mind, good feeling, no fish (yet).

At least, that's the view from here...©

GIVING UP ON HOPE

I quit. Mostly.  Not completely.  That wouldn't be me.  But I have given up on hope.  And expectation.  And searching, striving, longing, questing and wearing mostly blacks and grays.  

My emotional life, always a work in progress, has been like riding a rickety roller coaster over the past 7-ish years.  There have been highs.  But also, a ton of shit has come down.  (I feel compelled to offer the disclaimer that none of it is really life-threatening, although some was emotionally devastating; all of it is tinged in the privilege of introspection and questing for for aliveness and fulfillment beyond basic survival.  I know that.)  

I'd lost my naive trust in the institutions that I thought were solid and sustaining and lost my faith in people to do the right, true, compassionate thing; lost my connection to communities I believed to be above petty conflict and silent acquiescence; lost my ability to move freely in the world without fear of the breath of the person next to me; felt alienated from a group of friends I'd hoped would be a sustaining community of support; lost the consistent tether to my treasured family through forced separation, differing priorities, and just the way of things as people navigate different ages and stages; felt the shock of a betrayal of trust.  And that's just the big stuff.  The usual life challenges were also present, along with some humbling physical setbacks and the inexorable march of time, marked by ever increasing years with each birthday.  I found myself in therapy several times, struggling to keep going at all, or to simply stop the cycle of depression/anxiety.  

I have felt for awhile as if I was suffocating under the weight of so many therapeutic/psychological/self-help modalities that I could barely breathe or move or think or feel without seeking yet another theory, book, or expert to help me through the next crisis.  I just couldn't hear, or believe, my wonderful therapist telling me to trust myself.  To be on my own side.  I could not save myself.  (Only about three people knew any of this was going on, so don't feel bad if you had no idea; it's testament to my Academy Award winning performance, honed over a lifetime of acting "as if".)

Last week I had another long and hard conversation with Hub on a subject about which we see things differently and by which I felt threatened.  Down the rabbit hole I went with my anger, fear, confusion; crying, feeling hopeless and embarrassed, and realizing I'd gone from near euphoria earlier that day because I felt so confident and happy, to dejection and self-loathing for not being able to maintain equilibrium under perceived fire.  The rapidity of my decline was stunning.  I saw, again, that I "should" change -- be better -- be something, anything other than how I was.

But within the hour after our talk, I had an epiphany.  I wanted to quit.  I didn't want to "work" on myself, him, us, or anyone else anymore.  I wanted to just be in my life and let it unfold.  I decided to take my considerable library of psychology/self-help books off my shelves and store them out of sight so I wasn't tempted to turn to them.  I decided to delete all but two of my psychology/self-help podcasts (there are other reasons to keep those), avoid articles, stories, posts, etc that offered me "10 steps to a happier life"; unsubscribe to newsletters and updates about workshops and webinars that offer to once and for all help me understand myself, other people, and to "live the life I deserve".  I have cleaned house.  I am flying solo.

Almost.  Because when I started frantically packing away my books, I ran across one I swore I'd never seen before.  It was a slim paperback volume with an eye-catching red, white, and blue cover.  I don't recall buying it.  I had no idea where it came from.  But there it was, "The Inside Out Revolution" by Michael Neill.  I was curious about this thing that had shown up out of nowhere, a nudge from the Universe, sitting on a seldom used table under some other books.  I opened it, started reading, and didn't put it down until I was finished.  As I read I could feel waves of euphoria wash over me.  When I finished I smiled.

It told me to stop searching. It told me I was perfect as I am.  It told me that my thoughts were creating my emotions and my reality.  It told me I am part of a perfect Design. It told me I could make it all stop and all would be well.  All I had already learned was there to guide me.  It spoke to me.  As did the Michael Neill TED talks I've watched.

I'll write more about this, I'm sure.  For now this discovery feels like the melding of: my yoga practice and philosophy, my personal spirituality, a touch of Buddhist teachings, my wise therapist's words, guidance from my various meditation teachers, all the psychological work I've done in my adult lifetime, my life experience.  I feel affirmed and validated in this new-to-me Three Principles teaching:  Mind (the Universal Intelligence/the Larger Whole); Consciousness (Awareness/the "waking up" to all that is); Thought (creator and substance of our reality).

Does this all sound woo-woo ridiculous and like just another "theory" to latch onto?  Maybe.  But I know for me, right now, it's like a miracle of discovery.  In recent days I have gone from that low of self-loathing and desperation, to feeling a weight lifted, calmer, more enthusiastic about life than I have been in years.  I am more accepting, more curious, more loving, less desperate to try to change, fix, or save myself or anyone else.  Everything I think and do has meaning and a sense of wonder and fulfillment.  I don't regret my past.  I don't dread or even anticipate the future.  I can handle what comes.  I'm present with my life's unfolding.  I'm just in it, minute by minute.  

That's why I've given up on hope (helplessly projecting a future I want/desire) and expectation (grasping for a specific pre-determined outcome).  (BTW, these are my personal decisions, not anything advocated by Three Principles.)  And it's why I've decided to brighten my palette.  

A friend sent me an article about "Dopamine Dressing" -- that wearing bright colors you feel good in sparks production of dopamine and serotonin -- the happiness hormones.  I just ordered a pair of Marsala colored (orange-y) leggings and a butter-yellow shirt.  You'll see me coming.  And I'll be smiling.

At least that's the view from here...©