GIVING UP ON HOPE

I quit. Mostly.  Not completely.  That wouldn't be me.  But I have given up on hope.  And expectation.  And searching, striving, longing, questing and wearing mostly blacks and grays.  

My emotional life, always a work in progress, has been like riding a rickety roller coaster over the past 7-ish years.  There have been highs.  But also, a ton of shit has come down.  (I feel compelled to offer the disclaimer that none of it is really life-threatening, although some was emotionally devastating; all of it is tinged in the privilege of introspection and questing for for aliveness and fulfillment beyond basic survival.  I know that.)  

I'd lost my naive trust in the institutions that I thought were solid and sustaining and lost my faith in people to do the right, true, compassionate thing; lost my connection to communities I believed to be above petty conflict and silent acquiescence; lost my ability to move freely in the world without fear of the breath of the person next to me; felt alienated from a group of friends I'd hoped would be a sustaining community of support; lost the consistent tether to my treasured family through forced separation, differing priorities, and just the way of things as people navigate different ages and stages; felt the shock of a betrayal of trust.  And that's just the big stuff.  The usual life challenges were also present, along with some humbling physical setbacks and the inexorable march of time, marked by ever increasing years with each birthday.  I found myself in therapy several times, struggling to keep going at all, or to simply stop the cycle of depression/anxiety.  

I have felt for awhile as if I was suffocating under the weight of so many therapeutic/psychological/self-help modalities that I could barely breathe or move or think or feel without seeking yet another theory, book, or expert to help me through the next crisis.  I just couldn't hear, or believe, my wonderful therapist telling me to trust myself.  To be on my own side.  I could not save myself.  (Only about three people knew any of this was going on, so don't feel bad if you had no idea; it's testament to my Academy Award winning performance, honed over a lifetime of acting "as if".)

Last week I had another long and hard conversation with Hub on a subject about which we see things differently and by which I felt threatened.  Down the rabbit hole I went with my anger, fear, confusion; crying, feeling hopeless and embarrassed, and realizing I'd gone from near euphoria earlier that day because I felt so confident and happy, to dejection and self-loathing for not being able to maintain equilibrium under perceived fire.  The rapidity of my decline was stunning.  I saw, again, that I "should" change -- be better -- be something, anything other than how I was.

But within the hour after our talk, I had an epiphany.  I wanted to quit.  I didn't want to "work" on myself, him, us, or anyone else anymore.  I wanted to just be in my life and let it unfold.  I decided to take my considerable library of psychology/self-help books off my shelves and store them out of sight so I wasn't tempted to turn to them.  I decided to delete all but two of my psychology/self-help podcasts (there are other reasons to keep those), avoid articles, stories, posts, etc that offered me "10 steps to a happier life"; unsubscribe to newsletters and updates about workshops and webinars that offer to once and for all help me understand myself, other people, and to "live the life I deserve".  I have cleaned house.  I am flying solo.

Almost.  Because when I started frantically packing away my books, I ran across one I swore I'd never seen before.  It was a slim paperback volume with an eye-catching red, white, and blue cover.  I don't recall buying it.  I had no idea where it came from.  But there it was, "The Inside Out Revolution" by Michael Neill.  I was curious about this thing that had shown up out of nowhere, a nudge from the Universe, sitting on a seldom used table under some other books.  I opened it, started reading, and didn't put it down until I was finished.  As I read I could feel waves of euphoria wash over me.  When I finished I smiled.

It told me to stop searching. It told me I was perfect as I am.  It told me that my thoughts were creating my emotions and my reality.  It told me I am part of a perfect Design. It told me I could make it all stop and all would be well.  All I had already learned was there to guide me.  It spoke to me.  As did the Michael Neill TED talks I've watched.

I'll write more about this, I'm sure.  For now this discovery feels like the melding of: my yoga practice and philosophy, my personal spirituality, a touch of Buddhist teachings, my wise therapist's words, guidance from my various meditation teachers, all the psychological work I've done in my adult lifetime, my life experience.  I feel affirmed and validated in this new-to-me Three Principles teaching:  Mind (the Universal Intelligence/the Larger Whole); Consciousness (Awareness/the "waking up" to all that is); Thought (creator and substance of our reality).

Does this all sound woo-woo ridiculous and like just another "theory" to latch onto?  Maybe.  But I know for me, right now, it's like a miracle of discovery.  In recent days I have gone from that low of self-loathing and desperation, to feeling a weight lifted, calmer, more enthusiastic about life than I have been in years.  I am more accepting, more curious, more loving, less desperate to try to change, fix, or save myself or anyone else.  Everything I think and do has meaning and a sense of wonder and fulfillment.  I don't regret my past.  I don't dread or even anticipate the future.  I can handle what comes.  I'm present with my life's unfolding.  I'm just in it, minute by minute.  

That's why I've given up on hope (helplessly projecting a future I want/desire) and expectation (grasping for a specific pre-determined outcome).  (BTW, these are my personal decisions, not anything advocated by Three Principles.)  And it's why I've decided to brighten my palette.  

A friend sent me an article about "Dopamine Dressing" -- that wearing bright colors you feel good in sparks production of dopamine and serotonin -- the happiness hormones.  I just ordered a pair of Marsala colored (orange-y) leggings and a butter-yellow shirt.  You'll see me coming.  And I'll be smiling.

At least that's the view from here...©