PRE-MARCH TANTRUM

Well, the Shiny Sisters (two close friends and me) gathered in my living room today.  I thought it was going to be a two-hour coffee and catch-up since we've all been busy with the holidays and then travels since the first of the year.  But no.  It was a 5 hour gab-fest.

Gab-fest sounds like a bunch of giddy gals gossiping and eating bonbons.  We did NOT gossip.  (And we ate a winning combination of chocolate covered candied pecans, tangerines, and dried apple slices.  Fruits and nuts in other words. Healthy.)

We are all marching on Saturday in the Seattle version of the post-inaugural Women's March on Washington DC.  Seattle is projected to have the 2nd or 3rd largest march in the nation.  We'll see.  But the numbers 50,000-100,000 marchers has been bandied about.  I don't really like crowds, so I'm panicking ever such a little bit.   I hope to stick to the edges -- an aisle seat so to speak.

Thinking and planning around our participation in the march today, we three all agreed that the shock of November 8th has not really worn off.  Nothing is the same as it was before then in terms of emotional stability.  Anger, rage, disbelief, and dismay fight with the longing for peace, understanding, calm, and presence.  Overwhelm and the inability to discern what is most important among the multitudes of issues arising struggle with the desire to focus on that particular issue or two that speaks to our hearts most passionately, such that we can shut out the other calls for demands on time and attention and devote ourselves to that which we feel most drawn to protect, to promote, to ensure.  So much is at stake.  So much just feels crazy right now.

We three are a microcosm of the emotional upheaval that is causing, in my judgment, an entire nation to feel rather tense and unsure.  One of he Shinys started out stating that she is cynical that the system itself can be trusted; that nothing we do will really matter; nothing will change for either party.  We are doomed.  The other Shiny offered that the Republic may not survive; that Citizens United has us all in its clutches and the money flowing to candidates will win out over the cries of protesters, but still we must try.  Both felt a focus on "working locally" was likely the more strategic and productive way to go.   I sat there slouching in my chair pissed and deflated.  Why were we making all these calls to legislators on speed dial then?  Why was I sending emails and letters and reading about arcane Senate voting rules and memorizing names of Senate committee members?  Why were we even marching?

"Local?"  I sort of shouted.  "What the hell does that even mean?  Do I have to go sit at a School Board meeting and discuss next year's paper towel budget?  Go to a city council meeting and listen to ordinance issues?  Find out who the hell is on the county council cuz I'm ashamed to admit I don't even know?!?   How does "local" translate into pushing back on a president who is a crazy man and an agenda that will gut the progress we've made on so many human rights and environmental fronts?"

I sort of had a tantrum; I felt like "Fuck it; I'm wasting too much time on this.  Where's my coloring book?"  But of course, my vacillation between rage and inspired activism on every level is that of so many these days.  The tension between wanting to fix this brokenness somehow and just being so overwhelmed and angry at this predicament means the screaming and crying need to periodically be given voice in order to calm again and move forward with some modicum of intelligence and grace.  Emotions need to vent; then the mind can proceed to planning and doing.

So, off we will go.  You should see the multi-paged organizational document one Shiny has produced for the group of 20 of us who are meeting for dinner the night before, staying in Seattle at a downtown hotel, then getting ourselves to the starting point of the 4 mile march and home again from the end point.  It has taken so much time, skill, determination, and passion to create just this logistical plan.

But it feels good and we feel ready -- doubts, cynicism, anger, dismay, and all.  Because you show up.  Because this is time for not backing down, not accepting the unacceptable.  None of us want to be loud and rude and certainly not violent.  I will be marching in silence as is being encouraged by the march organizers (and rejected by those who want to shout out their chants and pains).   But putting bodies on the front lines, getting off the sofa, away from the computer, turning off the TV and making our own bit of history will make a statement and we will take a stand for our values, our vision, our ideals.  It's what must happen on Saturday because it's the right thing to do.

I hosted two movie nights at my house pre-election, one about the suffrage movements in England and one about the same in the US.  At the time it was a celebration of women and the power of the vote, on what we thought was the eve of electing our first woman president.  Now I think of those brave women and join them in what may well be mean streets, where our banners will wave, our signs will be hoisted, and our voices will rise loudly or be muted in silent witness to this country I love, to the Republic which must stand.

At least, that's the view from here....©