GIVING UP ON HOPE

I quit. Mostly.  Not completely.  That wouldn't be me.  But I have given up on hope.  And expectation.  And searching, striving, longing, questing and wearing mostly blacks and grays.  

My emotional life, always a work in progress, has been like riding a rickety roller coaster over the past 7-ish years.  There have been highs.  But also, a ton of shit has come down.  (I feel compelled to offer the disclaimer that none of it is really life-threatening, although some was emotionally devastating; all of it is tinged in the privilege of introspection and questing for for aliveness and fulfillment beyond basic survival.  I know that.)  

I'd lost my naive trust in the institutions that I thought were solid and sustaining and lost my faith in people to do the right, true, compassionate thing; lost my connection to communities I believed to be above petty conflict and silent acquiescence; lost my ability to move freely in the world without fear of the breath of the person next to me; felt alienated from a group of friends I'd hoped would be a sustaining community of support; lost the consistent tether to my treasured family through forced separation, differing priorities, and just the way of things as people navigate different ages and stages; felt the shock of a betrayal of trust.  And that's just the big stuff.  The usual life challenges were also present, along with some humbling physical setbacks and the inexorable march of time, marked by ever increasing years with each birthday.  I found myself in therapy several times, struggling to keep going at all, or to simply stop the cycle of depression/anxiety.  

I have felt for awhile as if I was suffocating under the weight of so many therapeutic/psychological/self-help modalities that I could barely breathe or move or think or feel without seeking yet another theory, book, or expert to help me through the next crisis.  I just couldn't hear, or believe, my wonderful therapist telling me to trust myself.  To be on my own side.  I could not save myself.  (Only about three people knew any of this was going on, so don't feel bad if you had no idea; it's testament to my Academy Award winning performance, honed over a lifetime of acting "as if".)

Last week I had another long and hard conversation with Hub on a subject about which we see things differently and by which I felt threatened.  Down the rabbit hole I went with my anger, fear, confusion; crying, feeling hopeless and embarrassed, and realizing I'd gone from near euphoria earlier that day because I felt so confident and happy, to dejection and self-loathing for not being able to maintain equilibrium under perceived fire.  The rapidity of my decline was stunning.  I saw, again, that I "should" change -- be better -- be something, anything other than how I was.

But within the hour after our talk, I had an epiphany.  I wanted to quit.  I didn't want to "work" on myself, him, us, or anyone else anymore.  I wanted to just be in my life and let it unfold.  I decided to take my considerable library of psychology/self-help books off my shelves and store them out of sight so I wasn't tempted to turn to them.  I decided to delete all but two of my psychology/self-help podcasts (there are other reasons to keep those), avoid articles, stories, posts, etc that offered me "10 steps to a happier life"; unsubscribe to newsletters and updates about workshops and webinars that offer to once and for all help me understand myself, other people, and to "live the life I deserve".  I have cleaned house.  I am flying solo.

Almost.  Because when I started frantically packing away my books, I ran across one I swore I'd never seen before.  It was a slim paperback volume with an eye-catching red, white, and blue cover.  I don't recall buying it.  I had no idea where it came from.  But there it was, "The Inside Out Revolution" by Michael Neill.  I was curious about this thing that had shown up out of nowhere, a nudge from the Universe, sitting on a seldom used table under some other books.  I opened it, started reading, and didn't put it down until I was finished.  As I read I could feel waves of euphoria wash over me.  When I finished I smiled.

It told me to stop searching. It told me I was perfect as I am.  It told me that my thoughts were creating my emotions and my reality.  It told me I am part of a perfect Design. It told me I could make it all stop and all would be well.  All I had already learned was there to guide me.  It spoke to me.  As did the Michael Neill TED talks I've watched.

I'll write more about this, I'm sure.  For now this discovery feels like the melding of: my yoga practice and philosophy, my personal spirituality, a touch of Buddhist teachings, my wise therapist's words, guidance from my various meditation teachers, all the psychological work I've done in my adult lifetime, my life experience.  I feel affirmed and validated in this new-to-me Three Principles teaching:  Mind (the Universal Intelligence/the Larger Whole); Consciousness (Awareness/the "waking up" to all that is); Thought (creator and substance of our reality).

Does this all sound woo-woo ridiculous and like just another "theory" to latch onto?  Maybe.  But I know for me, right now, it's like a miracle of discovery.  In recent days I have gone from that low of self-loathing and desperation, to feeling a weight lifted, calmer, more enthusiastic about life than I have been in years.  I am more accepting, more curious, more loving, less desperate to try to change, fix, or save myself or anyone else.  Everything I think and do has meaning and a sense of wonder and fulfillment.  I don't regret my past.  I don't dread or even anticipate the future.  I can handle what comes.  I'm present with my life's unfolding.  I'm just in it, minute by minute.  

That's why I've given up on hope (helplessly projecting a future I want/desire) and expectation (grasping for a specific pre-determined outcome).  (BTW, these are my personal decisions, not anything advocated by Three Principles.)  And it's why I've decided to brighten my palette.  

A friend sent me an article about "Dopamine Dressing" -- that wearing bright colors you feel good in sparks production of dopamine and serotonin -- the happiness hormones.  I just ordered a pair of Marsala colored (orange-y) leggings and a butter-yellow shirt.  You'll see me coming.  And I'll be smiling.

At least that's the view from here...©

HAPPIER UPDATE

I can't leave February with that last post.  I'll leave it up, since it's true fact of my life sometimes.  But to update -- The Twin Demons have retreated back into their dark hide-y hole.  It took awhile, but I feel pretty much completely "normal" today.  Relief.

I can tell I'm doing better because I just made my third trip to Costco in three days and I didn't even hate it.  Much.

I'm not the Costco shopper in my family -- Hub is.  He loves it there.  He goes every week.  You might wonder how two people can do the majority of our grocery shopping at Costco, but it works for us.  We go through a lot of vegetables and soups and cheese and eggs -- and he shops for long shelf life, frozen stuff,  and "staples" that we pretty much eat all the time.  I guess we are not adventurous cooks.  We have the handful of "regulars" we cook and we are content.  If we over buy or over cook, we share with our family.  And we have LOTS of storage space in our garage 'fridge and on garage pantry and storage shelves for those twin packs of this or that and enormous quantities of paper products that will eventually get used.

Anyway, it works for us to do most of our shopping there.  On the rare occasion I tag along with him, I stand by the cart scrolling my Facebook feed while he darts this way and that, getting what's on his list, what catches his eye, and stopping at every sample station in the store.  I find this frenetic and annoying.  When I go alone, I have a list from which I rarely deviate.  I grab and go.  I don't shop.

But on Saturday I had to buy some supplies for our new cleaning service people (YAY!  Housecleaners!).  Turns out I got the wrong "rags" -- how did I know there was a difference in "rags" but my cleaning guy is very particular, so I went back on Monday to exchange those for the preferred brand.  While there, just inside the door, was a large display of Lucky Brand T-shirts that were super cute and perfect for yoga.  Costco has no 'try on' area, so it's always a crap shoot buying clothing there, but I took a chance and came home with two size large shirts.  That usually works.

Nope.  They were too big.  Just slightly, but even after I tried to talk myself into them, I knew I wouldn't wear them.  They looked baggy and frumpy.  So today I went back to exchange them before they were all gone.  Those special displays disappear seemingly overnight, never to return.  I brought home two mediums, which of course are a bit snug.  So I made two trips to buy two sizes of shirt, neither of which fit.  Oh well....motivation to lose the ten pounds I've been wanting to shed.

On the way home, even on a cloudy, cool day, I was feeling pretty happy and carefree.  I marveled at this turn-around.  When the Demons retreat it all seems like a bad dream, but in the thick of it it feels like it will always be that way.  Mysteries of the troubled mind.

Anyway, I had such a great time car-dancing as I drove home with my weird purchases -- a jug of maple syrup, a two-pound container of cottage cheese, and two shirts that are too small.  My regular FM radio station (I'm so old school -- no Spotify or Pandora or Sirius) played some of my favorites in the 20 minutes it took to get from Costco to my garage:   Bruno Mars "That's What I Like", Ed Sheehan "Shape of You", Maroon 5 "Moves Like Jagger", Fritz and the Tantrums "Hand Clap", Elle King "X's  & O's".  There was another song I didn't recognize and my Shazam app was offline, so I didn't get it, but maybe next time.   Simple pleasures.

When I got home, I discovered my good friend and musician had emailed me.  He's been working on a new CD (or album? or what?  I don't even know what a collection of music is called in these download/streaming days) and a few of the songs on it are ones for which I've written the lyrics (and tweaked in collaboration with him).  He told me he's decided to name the CD for one of the songs that I wrote lyrics for -- Downhill Dancing.  I'm pretty delighted!

So all in all life is good.  Yep, I'm about 85% back...and that feels great!

At least, that's the view from here...©

Photo Credit:  Copyright: <a href='https://www.123rf.com/profile_adamgregor'>adamgregor / 123RF Stock Photo</a>

ALL IS CALM; ALL IS BRIGHT

 Just checking in with my usual Christmas season complaints.....NOT!!!!!

Amazingly I am not pissed, overwhelmed, depressed, or sad.  I feel happy, content, calm, and on top of things.  This is the first time in as long as I can recall that I've been a week into December and not dreading the rest of the month.  Well, last year wasn't too bad either, but this year feels decidedly better.






Tree is up, a few decorations dispersed about, advent candles in line on the mantel, new outdoor lights strung.  The family has drawn names and I've bought my gift for my recipient.  I'm enjoying shopping for our granddaughters.

I took a friend out for her birthday yesterday and she will return the favor for my birthday 11 days from now.  There will be other celebrations with friends and  family to honor my 67th as well.  I make sure my birthday doesn't get buried in Christmas!

We have plans to do an "Ugly Sweater
and Secret Santa" party with friends, will participate in the annual Luminary River Walk hosted by my yoga studio, will have our grand girls for a sleepover so their parents can enjoy a holiday get-away.  We'll do the traditional Christmas Eve buffet and Christmas day gifts and dinner but without Son Two and his girlfriend who will be in California with her family, then when they return, one more family gathering to celebrate with them.  There's a lot going on, but it feels manageable and fun and I'm looking forward to every event!

Is this how "normal" people go about the holiday season?  I had no idea I didn't have to be stressed and depressed!  To what do I attribute this change of mood?  No one thing; probably many.

I'm still delighted that my plunge into severe anxiety/depression two years ago resulted in what seemed to be a life-changing series of visits to a Wonder Woman therapist.  But really, she would be the first to encourage me to say... I am the Wonder Woman for doing the hard work, for upping my Mindfulness and mediation practices, for practicing radical self-acceptance and self-compassion...all of that has helped me live a more settled, grounded, authentic life in relationship to those around me, through all the joys and challenges that life metes out.

I feel healthier than ever with my yoga practice and treadmill walking routine.  I'm eating healthy and sleeping well.  I feel strong and flexible and balanced -- that fall down the stairs notwithstanding -- and even my super impressive bruises are fading.

Things are going well with my "kids", my friends are a refuge for laughter and tears, my husband is my rock and love, my home is cozy and warm....gratefulness seems to play into a rising of spirit as well.

So, let's just mark December 8th as a day when all is calm and all is bright...and everything is alright.

At least, that's the view from here...©