THE LAST DAY

 I've intended to write more often this month.  Well....good intentions and reality are different animals, right?  But here I am, on the last day of December, the last day of 2023, sitting down in a reflective mood.  

I have a well-documented love/hate relationship with the holidays.  This year is no exception.  I am so over it today.  But looking back on the season, which for me starts on Thanksgiving, I have much to feel grateful for; mostly, seeing so much of my family.  I have been sad that over the past few years (since the Covid Times) that we see each other less frequently than we used to. Covid kept us apart, and lives changed in other ways that I didn't predict. I've tried various strategies to reach out, keep in touch, encourage texts, etc between visits, but it's been met with somewhat less than enthusiastic response.  Adult children and growing grandchildren have other priorities.  I know.  I did too at their ages.  I just thought the "Magic Mom/Grandma" Seeds I planted would make it different for me.  Ha Ha  Nope.  

But when the holidays come 'round, so does everyone else.  Our family love grows in full flower over the holidays.  We gathered for Thanksgiving. A day later we all went to the Christmas Tree Farm together.  A week later most of us were able to attend  one of Granddaughter One's volleyball games (Hub and I went twice/weekly for several weeks -- so much fun to see her play) and out for pizza afterwards to celebrate Son Two's birthday.  Hub and I went to Granddaughter One's school choir Winter concert.  The next day, DIL Aunt and granddaughters met here to make Krumkaka -- passing on a Norwegian tradition from my family and Aunt's.  A little over a week after that all came over to celebrate my birthday (Hello #73!).  Then it was Christmas Eve together with Son One and his family (Son Two and DIL went to California for Christmas with her family.)  Christmas Day Son One and family were back here for more festivities.   Over Christmas break from school, Hub took 8-1/2 y/o Granddaughter Two snowboarding (a season pass and lessons was her big Christmas gift).  I got to spend a day with 14 y/o Granddaughter One going shopping -- and being fully immersed in the consumer life of an early teen. (She spent hours in Bath and Body Works and Old Navy!)  Son Two and DIL got home and we all gathered again for a second Christmas, the whole family together, yesterday.  Many hugs, much laughter, food, games -- sort of Hallmark-y, actually. I treasure all these together times and know that there will be a bit of a dry spell now when I won't see or hear from them so much.  But Granddaughter Two's BD is coming in late February...

So all in all, a good holiday season, amidst my angst about buying paltry gifts this year, barely decorating, letting others bring a lot of the food, getting tired of logistics at times, and lately just wanting all the red and green to go back in the attic.  

I realize that, like with so much else in 2023, I've let go. I've let go of what I used to do to create Christmas and I just let it unfold with lots of help, a quieter presence, a little less stress.  I've been doing this for a few years and even more this year.  It's different and fine, I think.

Tonight Son One and DIL are hosting a big New Year's Eve party.  Son Two and DIL are heading to good friends' house a ways away to celebrate and spend the night.  Hub and I are staying home, pup-sitting the nervous dog who will NOT be pleased with a houseful of revelers at his home.  I will make some zero-proof drinks for us.  Hub will likely pour a beer or a glass of wine for himself also.  We will eat leftovers from yesterday's family get together.  We might watch a movie.  I will try to stay awake until midnight.  If not, Hub will wake me to watch the official Seattle countdown from the Space Needle on TV.  We will head up to our upper floor covered porch, taking in the lights of the city and watching the informal fireworks going off around us.  We will toast the new year, share a kiss, marvel that this will be our 54th NYE together (including dating) and collapse into bed.  I don't feel I'm missing anything at all with this plan.  It is perfect, as it's been for several years now, to stay home and be quiet.  

At least, that's the view from here...© 

Photo Credit:  Daniel Kim/Seattle Times/2021 (New Years at the Space Needle)

CHRISTMAS WRAP

Well, it's over.  Christmas.  I guess it's still the holiday season so our tree is still up (until January 1) and I left a few "winter" decorations out, but yesterday I put away anything that was red, green, or Santa-related.  As I observe every year,  things that once looked so festive in early December become gaudy and cloying as soon as the last guests leave on Christmas night.  I'm finished.  

Still, my love/hate relationship with the holidays mellowed this year.  I had some sweet and happy times, some stressed and tired times, a couple of sad times, a migraine too much of the time, but mostly sort of neutral "this is fine, not awful, not great" times.  I scaled my activity, traditions, and expectations way back to the point where often nothing felt particularly magical.  

In thinking about that I realize part of the reason this year didn't feel very "Christmas-y" to me was how little effort I put into it.  I let so much of the work and stress go that I also let go of the very few things I love to do:  bring in greens from our big fir trees to decorate, bake and frost sugar cookies in shapes of Santa and trees and bells, play classic Christmas music (OK - I tried -- it annoyed me this year -- not sure why), put a holiday table cloth on the dining room table for our Christmas Eve finger-food buffet, get out and read my sons' old Christmas books from their little kid years, reading "The Night Before Christmas" aloud to my family on Christmas Eve (no one noticed we didn't do that this year, so there's that.)

I guess I'm still grateful for a feeling of "neutral" in some way though.  While the emotional roller coaster of my past Christmases was stimulating in a weird way, it was also exhausting.  And no, I'm not on any "even out the moods" meds.  I'm doing a new (to me) therapeutic modality that finally seems to be the answer to my woes (most of the time): Radical Acceptance. Maybe I'll write about that in the new year.  For now, with the exception of missing a few of my favorite things, I'm experiencing a strange low-level hum of....contentment, just being with what is.  Is this how other people live all of the time?  Weird!

I did send Christmas cards this year.  I always look forward to choosing family photos for the cards, sending them out for printing, getting them back, then spending time pouring over my old address book, remembering friends near and far, who I don't see often, but still care about, with a short note on each card before it goes in the envelop to be addressed and stamped.  Years ago I sent about 50-60 cards each year.  As fewer and fewer people reciprocated, I've scaled that number way back to about 25 in recent years.   I still get excited when the mail carrier comes.  I'm always hopeful for a card, even better if it has a Christmas letter inside -- it's widely ridiculed, but I love that people take the time to share their lives in this way.  Last year I got about a dozen cards in the mail.  This year I'm absolutely and finally giving up all hope and I'm ready to admit card sending is a dying (dead?) tradition.  I sent my 25.  I received 6, most with no personal note at all, let alone a letter.  Now I just feel embarrassed that I sent mine -- especially a card with photos and notes!  Sheesh.  Like, who cares, right?  LOL  But I'm pretty sure I'll do it again next year because I love doing it.  It's MY holiday tradition and it makes ME feel happy.  I'll just scale back again -- to 1, for my BFF who shares my love (and nostalgia) for Christmas cards.

I read the other day that the week between Christmas and New Year's is "liminal time" - a time of transition.  The article recommended we suspend all responsibilities, obligations, work, worry, and stress, and stay in our jammie clothes all day sipping tea, and reading one of the books we got for Christmas (that would be "The Light We Carry" by Michelle Obama for me).  I know many still in the outside-the-home work-world don't have this luxury, but some of us do and I love the notion of just letting ourselves settle and rest.  

I'm trying to do that, with some limited success.  My migraine "helped" as I gave myself (finally!) a full afternoon on 12/26 to just lie in bed, reading and napping, and it seems to have chased the several days in a row headache away, for now.  (Although I'm feeling very lethargic...)  Tomorrow I think I'll teach my Zoom yoga class to my merry band of yoginis.  No other plans for the week.  I'm going to try to guard that time against any incursion of a case of the "shoulds" and just flow with whatever I want to do -- getting well, being quiet, reflective, self-nurturing, and gentle with myself -- mindful of each precious moment of this time of transition, which is actually every moment, isn't it? 

At least, that's the view from here...©

STRANGE HOLIDAY VIBE

This is the weirdest holiday season in recent memory.  Except for the Covid year, which will forever be the pinnacle of "weird", and does not count. 

We had an unusual stretch of dry, sunny November days so Hub put up the outdoor lights earlier than ever.  We didn't turn them on right away and I swore we'd wait until at least the first week of December, but on Thanksgiving night, turkey leftovers barely cold in the 'fridge, the lights went on.  Then a couple days later the tree went up.   My birthday is December 19 and when I was a kid that was the day we put up the tree!  Can you imagine?  In this day and age, December 19 is so late as to feel we've completely missed the season!

But starting so early has meant my whole internal holiday clock is off.  I feel like the season is either stretching out for months...or it's flying by and I'm in a rush to be ready, as if Christmas is later today (!),  rather than still nearly two weeks off.

Our 13 year old granddaughter made the 7th grade girls volleyball team about which she was beyond thrilled.  We've been going to twice/weekly games. I love it!!!  It's a bit akin to watching my boys playing 2nd grade coach pitch baseball.  They've got the general idea, but are not too proficient at the finer points.  And just like those little boys, they couldn't be cuter or more enthusiastic or more into team commaradarie even if they were having a winning season.  She declares she loves it and loves hanging out with and playing volleyball with her friends, and that is what 7th grade is all about anyway.  But any grandkid Christmas outings we imagined are not happening (yet).  It's been all volleyball all the time.

I'm also thrown off by people traveling.  When did that become a thing?  Son Two and our dear DIL just got back from Italy where they traveled over Thanksgiving.  Friends are posting on FB from the tip of South America, half-way through a southern hemisphere monthlong cruise.  Other friends spent time recently in the Galapagos Islands.  I'm confused.  Isn't the holiday season (Halloween to New Year's, basically) time for family, home, and hearth?  I suppose that hearkens back to my Illinois childhood when two weeks was the grand total of time off all year for my dad working at the textile factory. Vacation meant going to Indiana to visit Grandma and Grandpa in, like, July.

Unfortunately, the Hallmark movies are annoying this year for the most part. We've spent our usual 20 minutes sampling one or another before taking a vote: watch or ditch. We've ditched more than we've watched.  The formula is predictable, the plots almost identical, and the writing and acting lazy, but this year there isn't even a sufficient dose of over the top Pinterest decor to help me feel the spirit!

We did have a weekend of our own Christmas movie magic early in the month.  There is a town 100 miles east over the mountain pass that has a hokey Bavarian theme which hosts "festivals" of various types year round with Christmas being the biggest.  So many lights!  So many shops!  So much snow!  Horse drawn carriages and live music in the park.  Hot chocolate, candy canes, spiced cider.  We stayed at a B&B 10 minutes out of town in the middle of the forest.  Star-studded nights, crisp sunny days, lots of snowshoeing to complement the towny Winter Carnival atmosphere.  That was nice. 

Yet, I notice I have no interest in receiving any gifts.  I DON'T WANT ANY MORE STUFF!!!  Which has had an unfortunate carryover into also not wanting to GIVE any gifts.  I can't think of one creative gift-giving idea and besides, WHO NEEDS MORE STUFF?!?  Consequently I've purchased only one gift for one grandchild.  Panic will set in shortly.

Also, I've scheduled a few visits with my therapist, so I'm distracted by working to become a new and improved version of my already awesome, but occasionally malfunctioning, self.  It takes some energy and is a bit disorienting to change familiar but unhelpful thought and emotional/behavioral patterns using new therapeutic modalities that take me off auto-pilot and ask me to forge a new route with both of my hands on the wheel.  Sheesh.  Who undertakes this at Christmas time?!?

So mostly the season feels like a mashup of life as usual, strange new things, and a dollop of Christmas.  Maybe my birthday really will kick off the season after all.  I'll let you know.

At least that's the view from here...©

HOLIDAY PEACE

Something strange is happening to me.  I am 11 days into December and I am still feeling the Christmas spirit.

Usually I peak too early; like around November 30 to about December 5 I'm full of anticipation and love the fa-la-la-la-la-ing of it all.  I get the tree up and house decorated in that time frame.  I listen to a few Christmas CDs.  Then as the holiday grows closer, my Grinch becomes activated and by the 25th I'm well and done with the whole thing.  I know, this is only the 11th, so I have a ways to go, but today I feel calm and bright.  I'm still looking forward to the activities and events and gatherings instead of dreading them with the wish it would all be over.

December is super jam-packed each year since I also have a birthday, as do my son and one of my best friends.  It makes for lots of extra celebrating.   The big group of our friends who gather monthly have a Christmas party.  Throw in the annual December trip to a nearby waterfront town Hub and I take to celebrate my BD and we are away for 3 days in the midst of everything else.  The family get-togethers increase due to those birthdays, as well as extra grandkid childcare so mom and dad can do Santa shopping, and our traditional family Christmas Eve and Christmas Day gathering.  It can feel like a whirlwind.  This year it feels like fun.  Is this how normal people have always done December?

I think being retired has helped calm the storm.  Not having to work, not having office parties, not buying extra gifts for co-workers, etc. is a relief.  Our family now exchanges names instead of buying gifts for each person (except the grandkids, of course) and that eases the shopping burden.  Hub and I never exchange gifts, feeling we have enough and those solar panels on the roof this year are gift enough.

And we are selective about what special holiday activities we do.  Last week we went to dinner and a musical performance "A Celtic Christmas" with friends.  Next week we will do the annual Luminary River Walk (lighted luminaries along the riverfront trail -- a festive community event).   Our trip will be restful and fun, as always.  That's about it this year, even though I've seen dozens more cool-sounding holiday performances and activities that we could do.  I've learned that piling one outing atop the other in an overabundance of "joy" just makes me tired and cranky.

Maybe the key to finding holiday peace is to scale it all way back and find that peace not in the doing but in the being.  This year has been a time of deep reflection, a lot of grief, a lot of joy, learning, growing, finding unexpected connection, and growing community among family and friends.  I'm grateful for all of that and that's what I'll focus on this season.  It's what I should have focused on all along.

At least, that's the view from here...©

CHRISTMAS HITS & MISSES

I have joked for years that my favorite day of the holiday season is December 26th.

I'm not a huge fan of the Christmas Season with it's ever-expanding to-do lists, forced socializing, and excesses of planning, decorating, buying, entertaining, cooking, baking, SUGAR eating....  Even though I've scaled all that back dramatically in recent years (except the sugar binges), it seems there are still moments when I'm  overwhelmed/over-stimulated and just want it all to STOP!  I hit a low point on Saturday 12/22, just prior to leaving for a Winter Solstice Party with friends, but about a quarter of the way into the evening, I rallied and enjoyed walking the traditional spiral path, singing holiday songs and carols, and spending time with my Tribe.

My second wind ended up with us adding to the family plans by buying lights to set up our own backyard spiral for walking on Christmas Eve, which we thought was very beautiful and meaningful, but which was met with what I'd say was tolerance at best by our sons and their people. The grand girls seemed to find it a fine and novel activity, but others were mute about their experience of it.  I guess it's too late to add another "tradition" to the already well-established Christmas Eve family festivities.

But I'm not giving up entirely.  I think I'll move it to my birthday, which is only a couple days before the Solstice.  Plus, I can demand anything on my birthday and get no complaints.  We'll add a bonfire with BD S'mores  and all will be happy.

Many of our friends report that they've passed the baton on holidays to their grown children who now host the big holiday gatherings in their homes instead of at Mom and Dad's.  We still host here because we have a big house, which neither of our sons do, and because it's the old family home that holds all the memories.  I actually love that they come here.  I just don't want to cook for them.

It's well known that cooking and baking are not my thing, and it's a big chore for me.  Over the past few years more and more I've been grateful for sharing this part of the holiday as the youngers bring dishes to share.  The feast they put together for our Christmas Eve buffet this year was a wonder to behold!  Son Two took on the majority of the Christmas Day dinner too.  I felt like a guest in my own home.  A lovely gift to me.

Speaking of gifts.  A few years ago we decided to exchange names amongst the six adults to have only one to buy for. All of us get things for the little girls.  We don't reveal who we have until Christmas Day gift exchange time and it's fun to find out who our Secret Santa was.  The odds of getting the same person, of course, are pretty great since there are so few of us.  I've gotten Son One three years in a row.

Something I appreciate about our family, even the little kids, is how much we love giving gifts -- even more than getting them.   Son One has a particular knack for paying attention all year to the likes and wants of family members and comes up with something that fits that person to a "T".  Since he's helping the girls buy things for the grown ups, his choices are on display in their gifts.  I just love seeing what he comes up with for everyone.

Christmas is renewed through the eyes of children and our grand girls of course are full of anticipation and excitement and thankfully, gratitude, for the whole enterprise from start to finish.  They are catching on to the family traditions around stockings, foods, candles, books, puzzles, games, gifts, etc. and it heartens me to see our holiday rituals taking root in a new generation.

So how am I doing this December 26th?  Less exhausted than usual.  More appreciative.  Not depressed.

 And almost obsessed with being so OVER Christmas that if Hub wasn't standing in my way, all the red and green and Santa-themed decorations would be put away by this afternoon.  I don't mind the "winter" decor with some snow and sparkle, but the obvious Christmas stuff is annoying me now.  As for the tree and outdoor garlands?   I will leave those aglow until New Years, but January 2nd will be a busy day of packing it all away.

The time seems to fly by so quickly that it will all barely be stowed in the attic than it will be time to drag it all out again.  And in spite of my December 26th vows to leave most of it in bins and boxes next year, I'll again get caught in the spirit and out it will come to brighten our home and welcome our family and friends back into the fold of Christmas Magic 2019.

At least, that's the view from here...©

Tired Santa Photo Credit:  www.pixabay.com

ALL IS CALM; ALL IS BRIGHT

 Just checking in with my usual Christmas season complaints.....NOT!!!!!

Amazingly I am not pissed, overwhelmed, depressed, or sad.  I feel happy, content, calm, and on top of things.  This is the first time in as long as I can recall that I've been a week into December and not dreading the rest of the month.  Well, last year wasn't too bad either, but this year feels decidedly better.






Tree is up, a few decorations dispersed about, advent candles in line on the mantel, new outdoor lights strung.  The family has drawn names and I've bought my gift for my recipient.  I'm enjoying shopping for our granddaughters.

I took a friend out for her birthday yesterday and she will return the favor for my birthday 11 days from now.  There will be other celebrations with friends and  family to honor my 67th as well.  I make sure my birthday doesn't get buried in Christmas!

We have plans to do an "Ugly Sweater
and Secret Santa" party with friends, will participate in the annual Luminary River Walk hosted by my yoga studio, will have our grand girls for a sleepover so their parents can enjoy a holiday get-away.  We'll do the traditional Christmas Eve buffet and Christmas day gifts and dinner but without Son Two and his girlfriend who will be in California with her family, then when they return, one more family gathering to celebrate with them.  There's a lot going on, but it feels manageable and fun and I'm looking forward to every event!

Is this how "normal" people go about the holiday season?  I had no idea I didn't have to be stressed and depressed!  To what do I attribute this change of mood?  No one thing; probably many.

I'm still delighted that my plunge into severe anxiety/depression two years ago resulted in what seemed to be a life-changing series of visits to a Wonder Woman therapist.  But really, she would be the first to encourage me to say... I am the Wonder Woman for doing the hard work, for upping my Mindfulness and mediation practices, for practicing radical self-acceptance and self-compassion...all of that has helped me live a more settled, grounded, authentic life in relationship to those around me, through all the joys and challenges that life metes out.

I feel healthier than ever with my yoga practice and treadmill walking routine.  I'm eating healthy and sleeping well.  I feel strong and flexible and balanced -- that fall down the stairs notwithstanding -- and even my super impressive bruises are fading.

Things are going well with my "kids", my friends are a refuge for laughter and tears, my husband is my rock and love, my home is cozy and warm....gratefulness seems to play into a rising of spirit as well.

So, let's just mark December 8th as a day when all is calm and all is bright...and everything is alright.

At least, that's the view from here...©