ELECTION NIGHT SHOCK

It wasn't supposed to turn out like this.  I believe my successful mindfulness therapeutic practice of the past few months has over-compensated for my old anxiety/depression worry-wart default system.  I never once considered Hillary Clinton would lose.  Even when I made myself imagine it, I'd almost laugh and say, "Are you kidding?  No.  He could never be the president."  Except she lost and he is.

As a result, I and those I love and respect are in mourning today.  Stunned, shocked, frightened, angry, and sad, sad, sad -- for us, for our country, for our future.

Everyone is deconstructing.  What went wrong?  How could every single poll have been so far off the mark?  Who voted for him?  Who didn't vote for her?  How in the God's great world does someone as vile and angry and hateful as him become the President of the United States of America in the 21st Century?

I can posit my own answers and quote the experts.  It doesn't really matter.  For me what matters is feeling this grief to the depths of my being for as long as I have to in order to cleanse myself of the deep wounding of this experience so I can move on.

I posted this on FB early this morning:

A lesson I haven't learned yet has come 'round again. Do not attach to outcome. Do not put faith in institutions, or people's ability to reach for the highest good. This is not the country I have loved. The depth of my anger and sadness is limitless in this moment. I cannot hear, see, say, or feel anything positive right now. It all sounds like another bullshit way to try to trick me into caring again. Not yet. Gonna see how small and insular I can make my life. My sphere of influence is minuscule anyway. Our country just made a dark, hateful choice. I am broken.  

Later I wrote a much abbreviated but similar comment on someone else's FB page.  This was a comment I got:  "Donna, if you no longer love our country then please move.  I'm sick and tired of all the negativity, hate, finger-pointing, etc.  It needs to stop....."

She goes on to tell me how much she hates President Obama but she "sucked it up" and supported him for 8 years and I/we should do the same with the new president....or else, I guess.  Of course I clicked on her profile -- lots of Christian stuff.  OK, no comment.  Wait. One comment -- Christian compassion anyone?  Also, no appreciation for irony:  sick of negativity, hate, and finger-pointing?  Hello Mr. President-Elect!

Her easy remedy for removing me from her sphere by shoving me out of my country actually amused and motivated me.  I got off the sofa, out from under my blanket, dried my tears and sought Hub out to share this exchange.  I actually laughed.  I've been told to leave before -- at a time when I was working on a local political issue with which many in the community disagreed.  I got hate calls.  Often telling me to move to Russia, but that was in the 80's.  I guess our new president is chummy with Russia these days.  Anyway, getting their adversaries to leave is their go-to diatribe.

So that's how my day has gone.  What feels broken to me is my faith in humanity and the notion that people will ultimately do good.  Also gone for now: My love of politics.  My sense of hope.  My joyful exuberance over the process itself.

Late this afternoon I posted this on FB:

I'm trying. I've talked, meditated, written, yelled, sobbed for hours. I watched Hillary's speech and then Barack's, with Kumbayah playing in the backgournd. I read a zillion articles about the hows and whys and what to do about its. 

One theme among my friends and others is that Love Wins. Love will prevail. We must all join together in love, open our hearts to love, be the love. Blah, blah, blah. Not there yet. Not feeling the love. 

Do I understand those who felt ignored and disenfranchised by the powerful and the elite? Do I understand the depth of their shame and pain and anger? Yes,because I grew up in a Midwestern rural blue collar manufacturing town surrounded by cornfields. 

And because I'm a woman. I have some experience with disenfranchisement, another example of it happening last night when a supremely horrific man defeated a supremely qualified woman for the presidency. 

I get that some wellspring of anger fueled the white vote; I don't get (and never will) the willful decision to ignore (or worse, embrace) his dangerous, disgusting behaviors and beliefs, his total vacancy of any policy that would address the complex needs of workers or the world, in order to inflict this man on all of us. Maybe once I can get a handle on that, love will find a way.

But for now, still broken-hearted.

At least, that's the view from here...©