MOON OVER KAUAI

Hoo Boy.  I've run into a buzzsaw of dissent to my opinion of the prevalence of backside baring partial thong swimsuits here on Kauai (and everywhere beaches and pools exist, apparently.)

I posted on FB yesterday that I thought a bit of modesty might be in order.  I see younger women and barely teen young girls' bare bottoms walk by and many men's heads turn to watch.  It sort of makes my skin crawl, this objectification, this obvious sexualization in 'his' eyes of these women.

But I'm in the minority, at least from the comments I got on FB from people I trust and like, as well as comments received in person.  "It's the fashion." " It's not women who are fault, it's men."  "Once this becomes commonplace, no one will even notice anymore."   All true, I guess.

I just can't get past those male gazes and those younger women (girls, really) being the object of that gaze.  It's a good thing I didn't have daughters, I guess.  But I do have granddaughters and I'd have to follow them around with a friggin' Lucille bat* to destroy any man who looked at them that way. (Of course their decisions will be none of my business; they have parents who will sort that out with them!)

I feel like a prude.  I feel like my mom when she wouldn't let me buy a two piece swimsuit when I was 13.  I feel out of step and old-fashioned when I have traditionally been anything but.  This is definitely not the "me" I think I am, this woman calling for more modest beachwear.

At various times in my life I still ate meat, drank, smoked, did drugs, flaunted and used my sexuality for attention and validation, and swore like a sailor (sorry sailors). All we have left on that list is the swearing, and even then, toned down.  I have shed vices like viruses.  I like to think this is growth, a moving into a mature life of integrity and responsibility for myself.  Others see it as a prudish, judgmental, buzzkill decision to not have fun anymore.

I am trying to practice radical self-acceptance and radical self-compassion these days.  I like myself. I like who I am becoming.  It feels authentic.  I feel contentment within.  But when I put myself "out there" in public and try to fit in I often feel like the outsider: the one who scans the menu for paltry vegetarian options, so I eat a lot of mediocre salad; who looks for Mocktails at the bottom of the drink menu (always too sickly sweet, so I drink club soda); who says no to the apparent delights in the pot stores on every corner, "It's legal! Let's get high!"  (At least most sensible people everywhere have ditched cigarettes.) But now I have to add my "modesty" campaign to the list of "she's no fun" attributes.

It makes me sad,  how I am feeling prudish when I compare to others.  I've been told to lighten up, to not take it all so seriously, to live and let live.  I do.  I don't go around picketing or finger-wagging.  I just remain silent and do my own thing.  But it's a lot hurt-y and a little hard to be the outlier, lost and ignored in the crowd of our culture.   What I'm learning is compassion, I guess, for me and for those like me.  I'm sure I've mocked them in the past (hello, mom).  I'm sorry.

As for the rest of you, fuck it.  I gotta be me.

At least, that's the view from here...©

Photo Credit:  Some ad I found online to buy these.  (There was also an article about an Instagram page called Total Frat Move that features photos of young women in these bikinis.  Point made.)

*Lucille  -- Walking Dead reference to prove my "still cool" bonafides.

BARE IT ALL

"A norm is a guideline or an expectation for behavior. Each society makes up its own rules for behavior and decides when those rules have been violated and what to do about it. Norms change constantly."

This is the definition I got when I Googled "social norms". I was curious because I'm spending a lot of time at the pool here in Kauai. I'm pondering the incongruity of all the time spent shopping for attractive outfits, looking this way and that in front of mirrors, making sure all the bulges are tamed and everything fits to maximum flattering effect, versus, well, baring it all in public just because there is a swimming pool in the vicinity.
In olden days, these were the beach fashions:

These days this is more the ideal:

Of course, not everyone wears a bikini, thankfully!  Some look great in one.  But some, well,  do not.  It's a rarity to find anyone who is without bulge, flaw, flab or sag and a bikini accentuates the less than positive.

Still, I'm all for embracing a positive body image and I love the freedom some folks have to let it all hang out (literally).  I just wonder exactly when we collectively decided that revealing so much skin, more than my doctor has asked to see for my last two physical exams, is socially acceptable.   

A modicum of modesty and good taste seems to prevail in our "normal" day-to-day interactions, but at the pool, anything goes!!!  Cellulite, varicose veins, scars, tattoos, butt cracks, woolly back hair, enormous beer bellies, scrotums nestled in their Speedo nests, breasts threatening to break free of the strip of cloth holding them hostage -- it's all OK!  It's all on display!  

I'm not a prude and I don't really care so much about how much people decide to reveal.  I really do think, since this is an agreed-upon social norm, that everyone should show up at the pool and feel comfortable regardless of body size or shape or condition.  I guess I'm just curious.  Is everyone really as comfortable as they appear?  I wear a pretty modest black one-piece suit and I still look in the mirror and think, "Hmmm, where are my leggings?"  

At least, that's the (sometimes startling) view from here...©