I posted on FB yesterday that I thought a bit of modesty might be in order. I see younger women and barely teen young girls' bare bottoms walk by and many men's heads turn to watch. It sort of makes my skin crawl, this objectification, this obvious sexualization in 'his' eyes of these women.
But I'm in the minority, at least from the comments I got on FB from people I trust and like, as well as comments received in person. "It's the fashion." " It's not women who are fault, it's men." "Once this becomes commonplace, no one will even notice anymore." All true, I guess.
I just can't get past those male gazes and those younger women (girls, really) being the object of that gaze. It's a good thing I didn't have daughters, I guess. But I do have granddaughters and I'd have to follow them around with a friggin' Lucille bat* to destroy any man who looked at them that way. (Of course their decisions will be none of my business; they have parents who will sort that out with them!)
I feel like a prude. I feel like my mom when she wouldn't let me buy a two piece swimsuit when I was 13. I feel out of step and old-fashioned when I have traditionally been anything but. This is definitely not the "me" I think I am, this woman calling for more modest beachwear.
At various times in my life I still ate meat, drank, smoked, did drugs, flaunted and used my sexuality for attention and validation, and swore like a sailor (sorry sailors). All we have left on that list is the swearing, and even then, toned down. I have shed vices like viruses. I like to think this is growth, a moving into a mature life of integrity and responsibility for myself. Others see it as a prudish, judgmental, buzzkill decision to not have fun anymore.
I am trying to practice radical self-acceptance and radical self-compassion these days. I like myself. I like who I am becoming. It feels authentic. I feel contentment within. But when I put myself "out there" in public and try to fit in I often feel like the outsider: the one who scans the menu for paltry vegetarian options, so I eat a lot of mediocre salad; who looks for Mocktails at the bottom of the drink menu (always too sickly sweet, so I drink club soda); who says no to the apparent delights in the pot stores on every corner, "It's legal! Let's get high!" (At least most sensible people everywhere have ditched cigarettes.) But now I have to add my "modesty" campaign to the list of "she's no fun" attributes.
It makes me sad, how I am feeling prudish when I compare to others. I've been told to lighten up, to not take it all so seriously, to live and let live. I do. I don't go around picketing or finger-wagging. I just remain silent and do my own thing. But it's a lot hurt-y and a little hard to be the outlier, lost and ignored in the crowd of our culture. What I'm learning is compassion, I guess, for me and for those like me. I'm sure I've mocked them in the past (hello, mom). I'm sorry.
As for the rest of you, fuck it. I gotta be me.
At least, that's the view from here...©
Photo Credit: Some ad I found online to buy these. (There was also an article about an Instagram page called Total Frat Move that features photos of young women in these bikinis. Point made.)
*Lucille -- Walking Dead reference to prove my "still cool" bonafides.
If you're a prude then so am I. I purposely didn't comment on your Facebook page because I didn't want to challenge any of your friends. But bare butt cheeks is the stuff of male wet dreams. And that fabric up the butt and around is a health issue just waiting to happen.
ReplyDeleteYes; I was surprised about the comments from friends. I'm glad you (one person) agrees with me that there is a place for modesty. I am adamantly opposed to "blaming the victim" on how men interpret whatever we choose to wear, but I was disgusted by the stares and gazes. Maybe I'm most mad at the men cuz I can feel the rage welling up in me when I think of it. On other hand, I also wonder what the purpose or intention is behind the decision to go "full exposure"? Life give us so much to contemplate, so many opportunities for self-reflection!
DeleteYour no prude...it’s called class and the world is sadly lacking today. You see it in everyday life...crudeness and rudeness rules...a pity
ReplyDeleteThanks for commenting. Yes, crudeness and rudeness are so hard to countenance. I guess we have to balance that with our own acts of decorum and compassion. The world is a challenging place sometimes!
DeleteSo many directions to take this...
ReplyDeleteThe more we are urged to cover up to avoid sun damage the more flesh is bared? The more we are urged to cut salt consumption we see whole stores dedicated to "gourmet salt" and extra salt added to dessert. Salted caramel anyone?
It may be all the rage, but we don't have to like it. Like you I think it's creepy, even without the leering glances. I can't fault women past the age of consent wearing whatever feels right for them. But damn! this ain't a perfect world and we all have become painfully aware how few men have any impulse control. Why pander to it?
I'm not seeing as much general sexualizing of little girls as a few years ago -- the beauty pageants, etc. That may be progress or maybe I'm just not looking. I have currently embraced my second childhood and have been playing with dolls. I bought an American Girl doll and have been sewing clothes for her. To me she looks about 9 years old and have chosen patterns accordingly. There are, however, ready mades and patterns with sexy grown-up clothes and even play clothes with shaped tops to look like there's more there. There may still be the line of giftware figurines with the naked little kids with grown-up sentiments attached that made my skin crawl. Fortunately no one has been foolish enough to give me one. That being said, there is an "Outlandish" AG pattern for the outfit Claire wore at Leoch that I may have to make. (And some of the steampunk costumes are very cute.)
So many paradoxes, as you point out! And cultural norms shift and change over time for sure. It was not so much about the "fashion", even if I disagree with it; it was about the leering and I just can't countenance that. That said, women are NEVER to be blamed for men's behavior: I'm not a "blame the victim" person at all. So it gets very complicated.
ReplyDeleteThis topic really struck a nerve. My FB post about this got rather heated and I myself was in a funk for a few days feeling so out of step and in the minority. Lessons abound.
I love that you are sewing clothes for your AG doll! I used to sew doll clothes as a kid and have so many memories of dressing up my dolls. And an Outlander outfit? Perfectly wonderful!
I remember when short-short skirts became the fashion...many negative comments but required for my office job. My grandmother remembered rolling her socks down and pulling up her bloomers so she could play girls basketball. The entire town of St. John was up in arms! Boys used to play basketball with shorts that showed the place where their butt-cheeks met their legs...now it's shorts down to the knees and even lower. I am mostly curious to see what new fashion comes into play...possibly modesty?
ReplyDeleteYou are so right! Styles and cultural norms change constantly!
Delete