I posted on FB yesterday that I thought a bit of modesty might be in order. I see younger women and barely teen young girls' bare bottoms walk by and many men's heads turn to watch. It sort of makes my skin crawl, this objectification, this obvious sexualization in 'his' eyes of these women.
But I'm in the minority, at least from the comments I got on FB from people I trust and like, as well as comments received in person. "It's the fashion." " It's not women who are fault, it's men." "Once this becomes commonplace, no one will even notice anymore." All true, I guess.
I just can't get past those male gazes and those younger women (girls, really) being the object of that gaze. It's a good thing I didn't have daughters, I guess. But I do have granddaughters and I'd have to follow them around with a friggin' Lucille bat* to destroy any man who looked at them that way. (Of course their decisions will be none of my business; they have parents who will sort that out with them!)
I feel like a prude. I feel like my mom when she wouldn't let me buy a two piece swimsuit when I was 13. I feel out of step and old-fashioned when I have traditionally been anything but. This is definitely not the "me" I think I am, this woman calling for more modest beachwear.
At various times in my life I still ate meat, drank, smoked, did drugs, flaunted and used my sexuality for attention and validation, and swore like a sailor (sorry sailors). All we have left on that list is the swearing, and even then, toned down. I have shed vices like viruses. I like to think this is growth, a moving into a mature life of integrity and responsibility for myself. Others see it as a prudish, judgmental, buzzkill decision to not have fun anymore.
I am trying to practice radical self-acceptance and radical self-compassion these days. I like myself. I like who I am becoming. It feels authentic. I feel contentment within. But when I put myself "out there" in public and try to fit in I often feel like the outsider: the one who scans the menu for paltry vegetarian options, so I eat a lot of mediocre salad; who looks for Mocktails at the bottom of the drink menu (always too sickly sweet, so I drink club soda); who says no to the apparent delights in the pot stores on every corner, "It's legal! Let's get high!" (At least most sensible people everywhere have ditched cigarettes.) But now I have to add my "modesty" campaign to the list of "she's no fun" attributes.
It makes me sad, how I am feeling prudish when I compare to others. I've been told to lighten up, to not take it all so seriously, to live and let live. I do. I don't go around picketing or finger-wagging. I just remain silent and do my own thing. But it's a lot hurt-y and a little hard to be the outlier, lost and ignored in the crowd of our culture. What I'm learning is compassion, I guess, for me and for those like me. I'm sure I've mocked them in the past (hello, mom). I'm sorry.
As for the rest of you, fuck it. I gotta be me.
At least, that's the view from here...©
Photo Credit: Some ad I found online to buy these. (There was also an article about an Instagram page called Total Frat Move that features photos of young women in these bikinis. Point made.)
*Lucille -- Walking Dead reference to prove my "still cool" bonafides.
