My View From Here...: THE KINDNESS STRUGGLE

I have two books now on the practice of Kindness. One I bought for myself a couple of years ago when I thought I should/could be more kind: "A Year of Living Kindly" by Donna Cameron. It's 285 pages chock-full of info on how kindness generates and manifests and has great suggestions for being/acting more kindly toward others. I got about 2/3 of the way through and somehow never got back to it. Thumbing through it just now I realize I don't recall a word of the part I read. So...Kindness Fail.

A friend recently gave me the book, "Human Kind" by Brad Aronson at a time when some kindness coming my way was much needed and appreciated especially since I barely knew this person then and she intuited my need for kindness. It's a lovely book of examples, large and small, of people showing kindness in various ways. Inspiring.

Still...I struggle. Here is the Webster's definition of kindness: 'the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate.' Well, I try. But I often think I missed the "kindness class" and putting those feel-good intentions into practice sometimes doesn't even occur to me. I really do think I'm friendly (mostly), generous (mostly), and considerate (to my own detriment at times). Yet, I'm self-taught when it comes to most social niceties. Maybe I wasn't, when growing up, paying attention to what one does to be kind -- like taking food to the bereaved, bringing a hostess gift to a party, visiting people in the hospital, offering rides, sharing cookies with the neighbors, inviting people over for a meal on the regular, and all that. I know people for whom kindness just happens, like it's in their nature. For me, I have to stop and think...hmmm...what can I do in this situation? What would be helpful? Would I just be in the way? By the time I've puzzled it all out and debated with myself, the moment has passed.

I think I'm good at thank yous to friends, family, and strangers. I'm known to shoot thank yous to newspaper columnists, TV commentators, legislators, medical staff, store staff -- it just is so easy to send a note of thanks in some way for something that I felt deserving of recognition. I'll bet they don't get too many. One of the very kindest things I've done was during the pandemic when I started "Letters of Love" and organized through my Facebook friends a weekly thank you letter "bomb" to hospitals, clinics, and essential workers. That felt so good! And I know it was appreciated. I got notes of gratitude back in several cases

And therein lies my "kindness" problem. My reaching out with words of "thinking of you", encouragement, or inspiration often seems to fall on deaf ears. I get that kindness is selfless and it's not about ME, but I often wonder if I'm just being a pain in the ass. When there is a void of reciprocity, the story I tell myself is that whatever I'm doing is not welcome. This is faulty thinking of course. I have no idea what people on the receiving end of my efforts are thinking. But I admit, it does get in the way of me feeling like I'm making any difference to anyone at all with my perhaps clumsy attempts at kindness.

Since I almost never get them-initiated "Hi Mom! How ya doing?" contacts from my sons or their wives, I took to sending frequent texts to them, just to stay in touch between family gatherings which are much more infrequent since the pandemic days and implementation of new work schedules, but I would get one or two word replies, or no reply at all. I even asked them to just send me an emoji or something. Nope. So, I decided they weren't so into hearing from mom so much. In consultation with my therapist, who advised less outreach since it seemed one-sided and kept me in disappointment, I decided to ask each what their fave day of the week was and I sent one text a week on that day letting them know I'm thinking of them, wishing them good days ahead. My sons always responded, one more "chatty" than the other, but my daughters-in-law and my teen granddaughter rarely responded. I was stumped about this. I know they like me! LOL So after doing this for 7 months, I've recently stopped. No one has noticed, or least they've not said anything. So, I'm learning to let go of expectations and just reach out very, very occasionally without feeling (too) sad if I don't hear any reply.

Even with friends, I've sent numerous cards, texts, and emails into a void. Not sure how they are received. I'm thrilled whenever someone acknowledges my attempt at kindness. (Hub says to pick up the phone and call. OK. I should. But I really dislike talking on the phone and every time I think about overcoming my phone phobia, I project that others likely dread that intrusion as much as I do. I'm a written word communicator; not everyone is. So there's that.)

So, you see the dilemma here. Kindness is being friendly, generous, and considerate with no strings attached. I have a few strings and a few "quirks" that perhaps make my kindness outreach less than great.

But I'll keep trying. Like when I used to do the 'pay if forward' thing at the Starbucks drive-through where you pay for the drink ordered by the person behind you so when they get to the window, their drink has been paid for! I loved doing that Random Act of Kindness -- until I read an article about how baristas HATE that practice and it makes their jobs so much harder to get orders right and payment sorted out and that anyone in a Starbucks line can certainly afford their own drink. Hmm. How does that saying go? "No good deed goes unpunished"?

Again, I'm stymied, but I'll read my Kindness books and get this sorted. In today's world Kindness is a worthy skill to learn.