THE KINDNESS STRUGGLE

I  have two books now on the practice of Kindness.  One I bought for myself a couple of years ago when I thought I should/could be more kind:  "A Year of Living Kindly" by Donna Cameron.   It's 285 pages chock-full of info on how kindness generates and manifests and has great suggestions for being/acting more kindly toward others.  I got about 2/3 of the way through and somehow never got back to it.  Thumbing through it just now I realize I don't recall a word of the part I read.  So...Kindness Fail.

A friend recently gave me the book, "Human Kind" by Brad Aronson at a time when some kindness coming my way was much needed and appreciated especially since I barely knew this person then and she intuited my need for kindness.  It's a lovely book of examples, large and small, of people showing kindness in various ways.  Inspiring.

Still...I struggle.  Here is the Webster's definition of kindness: 'the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate.'  Well, I try.  But I often think I missed the "kindness class" and putting those feel-good intentions into practice sometimes doesn't even occur to me.  I really do think I'm friendly (mostly), generous (mostly), and considerate (to my own detriment at times).  Yet, I'm self-taught when it comes to most social niceties.  Maybe I wasn't, when growing up, paying attention to what one does to be kind -- like taking food to the bereaved, bringing a hostess gift to a party, visiting people in the hospital, offering rides, sharing cookies with the neighbors, inviting people over for a meal on the regular, and all that.  I know people for whom kindness just happens, like it's in their nature.  For me, I have to stop and think...hmmm...what can I do in this situation?  What would be helpful?  Would I just be in the way?  By the time I've puzzled it all out and debated with myself, the moment has passed.

I think I'm good at thank yous to friends, family, and strangers.  I'm known to shoot thank yous to newspaper columnists, TV commentators, legislators, medical staff, store staff -- it just is so easy to send a note of thanks in some way for something that I felt deserving of recognition.  I'll bet they don't get too many.  One of the very kindest things I've done was during the pandemic when I started "Letters of Love" and organized through my Facebook friends a weekly thank you letter "bomb" to hospitals, clinics, and essential workers.  That felt so good!  And I know it was appreciated.  I got notes of gratitude back in several cases

And therein lies my "kindness" problem.  My reaching out with words of "thinking of you",  encouragement,  or inspiration often seems to fall on deaf ears.  I get that kindness is selfless and it's not about ME, but I often wonder if I'm just being a pain in the ass.  When there is a void of reciprocity, the story I tell myself is that whatever I'm doing is not welcome.  This is faulty thinking of course.  I have no idea what people on the receiving end of my efforts are thinking.  But I admit, it does get in the way of me feeling like I'm making any difference to anyone at all with my perhaps clumsy attempts at kindness.

Since I almost never get them-initiated "Hi Mom! How ya doing?" contacts from my sons or their wives, I took to sending frequent texts to them, just to stay in touch between family gatherings which are much more infrequent since the pandemic days and implementation of new work schedules, but I would get one or two word replies, or no reply at all.  I even asked them to just send me an emoji or something.  Nope. So, I decided they weren't so into hearing from mom so much.  In consultation with my therapist, who advised less outreach since it seemed one-sided and kept me in disappointment, I decided to ask each what their fave day of the week was and I sent one text a week on that day letting them know I'm thinking of them, wishing them good days ahead. My sons always responded, one more "chatty" than the other, but my daughters-in-law and my teen granddaughter rarely responded.  I was stumped about this.  I know they like me! LOL  So after doing this for 7 months, I've recently stopped.  No one has noticed, or least they've not said anything.  So, I'm learning to let go of expectations and just reach out very, very occasionally without feeling (too) sad if I don't hear any reply.  

Even with friends, I've sent numerous cards, texts, and emails into a void.  Not sure how they are received.  I'm thrilled whenever someone acknowledges my attempt at kindness.   (Hub says to pick up the phone and call.  OK.  I should.  But I really dislike talking on the phone and every time I think about overcoming my phone phobia,  I project that others likely dread that intrusion as much as I do.  I'm a written word communicator; not everyone is.  So there's that.)

So, you see the dilemma here.  Kindness is being friendly, generous, and considerate with no strings attached.  I have a few strings and a few "quirks" that perhaps make my kindness outreach less than great.  

But I'll keep trying.  Like when I used to do the 'pay if forward' thing at the Starbucks drive-through where you pay for the drink ordered by the person behind you so when they get to the window, their drink has been paid for!  I loved doing that Random Act of Kindness -- until I read an article about how baristas HATE that practice and it makes their jobs so much harder to get orders right and payment sorted out and that anyone in a Starbucks line can certainly afford their own drink.  Hmm.  How does that saying go?  "No good deed goes unpunished"?  

Again, I'm stymied, but I'll read my Kindness books and get this sorted.  In today's world Kindness is a worthy skill to learn.  

At least, that's the view from here...©

ABOUT HAPPINESS

I have a friend who told me he recently came to this blog and enjoyed reading, but said he was worried about me because I worry so much.  I asked him to elaborate, but he demurred.  So, I'm unsure what caused him to think I'm such a worrywart.  Perhaps it was a couple posts ago when I talked about being a wee bit depressed about this state of things:  But, it's not as if there isn't a life-threatening pandemic, democracy hanging by a thread, social unrest, and far, far too few instances of being able to see my grandkids.  I think I try to put lipstick on the pig most of the time, but hey, some days are just a little ugly.   

So, this post will be about the happiness this pandemic brings to my life!  

First, it's summer.  We've pandemic-ed through mid-late winter, all of spring, and now most of summer, with no end in sight.  But hey!  It's warm and sunny and 75 degrees and I am right now sitting under a tree in my garden hearing kids across the street playing and laughing, chickadees and hummingbirds chirping as they flit to the feeder and the birdbath, noticing my geraniums are still blooming bright red, the bubbler fountain singing a soothing song of cool waters.  It's a bit muggy, but the slight breeze is enough to cool my brow and I'm sipping my ubiquitous Lime LaCroix. (I'm addicted, but better this than my old friend Chardonnay -- this summer makes 9 years alcohol-free, which is another thing to be happy about!)  These summer days are already showing signs of packing their bags and heading to the dark zone -- sunrise is later, sunset earlier.  A few maples are going golden.  The garden harvest is 90% finished.  Nevertheless, I am savoring every single minute of these outdoor days, especially since outdoors is a relatively Covid-safe place to be.

Second, Hub and I are still sort of honeymooning our way through the year, approaching our first anniversary (after 48 years of marriage) of last September when we faced and worked hard to address the earthquake that rumbled through our marriage in 2019.   What a surprising gift to find us closer after all this time.  Marriage is hard and easy, sweet and sour, and totally unpredictable.  It's also demanding.  You can't ignore and push anger, resentment, disappointment, and weariness away and expect to be doing much better than going through the motions at times, even when you have a gift for and a desire to learn and grow together.  Even with that considerable boxful of personal growth tools, there are still challenges because marriage is still between two separate people with two separate ways of perceiving and coping.  But we've rediscovered our easy comaraderie, risked a no-holds-barred truly honest way of talking things out, created a flow of moving through our days together, pursuing our own interests while making ample time to be together, that is agreeable and loving.  Also, lots of sex. (Masks optional. HAHA)

Third, the internet.  I know, we demonize the online life.  It can be addicting to some, with its siren call of continuous stimulation and non-stop scrolling through social media for the next silly meme, outraged headline, cute cat pic, recipes, classes, and ads, ads, ads.  Still, I love signing on and posting about my life and absolutely love when my friends do the same.  I've deepened friendships with some during this physical distancing time and have kept in touch with others, hearing their pandemic-life tales from far away.  And then there's Zoom, which has been both a challenge and a joy, but either way I am grateful to see the faces of those I care about. 

Also, the internet has brought a few lovely antidotes to the sadness, loneliness, and claustrophobic fears we have all faced at times.  I am in a few FB groups, all formed in response to the Covid world, whose sole purpose is to cheer:  

"Garden Therapy" is a local group (gone beyond local as friends of friends have joined from afar) of mostly pictures of our gardens, with queries for advice and sharing of info.  People creating beauty from nature in their own backyards.  

"A World of Hearts" is an international group where people started decorating their doors and windows with "heart art" from kids' homemade cutouts to fancy decals to stained glass masterpieces.  Lately there are photos of "found hearts" -- rocks in heart shape, tree bark revealing hearts, stream waters creating eddying hearts.  It's a lovely sentiment....to send this heart love around the world.

Speaking of world, there is another group called "The View From My Window" where locked down people everywhere -- literally all over the world -- have posted what they can see from their windows, yards, porches, neighborhoods.  Some views are spectacular and some are of small patches of grass surrounded by chainlink fencing.  People comment with where they are viewing from and the world becomes smaller as those stuck at home find companionship across the globe. 

"Spreading Kindness" is a group which shares inspiration mostly in the form of uplifting memes.  I used one to illustrate this post.

On the micro-local level, I started a periodic "Neighbor Check-In" email outreach to those who live on my block.  Many of us are basically introverts. We don't often talk in person, each keeping to our own lives, homes, gardens -- but in the early days of the lock down, it was weird to never even see anyone outside: no walks, no deliveries, no cars coming/going.  I realized that even if we didn't socialize much, we knew the rhythms of each others lives in that silent way that neighbors do.  So I decided to do a "check in" and the emails were returned with delightful, revealing, heartfelt sharing about our experiences with life and the Covid shock, all appreciating the connection. 

Fourth, "random acts of kindness" bring me joy.  A friend of mine organized a pizza delivery to the local hospital for the frontline workers when things were particularly stressful in April.  She solicited donations from friends and family and managed to get $400 worth of pizza delivered, with late donations combined in a gift to the local food bank.

Inspired by her, I started a "Letters of Love" Campaign among my FB friends to send letters or postcards  of appreciation to local hospitals, clinics, and long-term care homes.  I collected all the addresses and announced the recipients to write to each week. We sent these, two or three letters every week , for two months, reaching out to four local hospitals, six local clinics, and ten long-term care facilities.  Amazingly I got three letters of thanks back and word from one clinic worker I know well who told me our outreach was highlighted in their multi-site, clinic-wide newsletter.  

I continue alone to do occasional appreciations to "essential workers".  I've left goodies and cool drinks for the letter carrier and garbage/recycling pick-up guy.  I've sent letters to my local groceries stores and words of encouragement to people I know who work in "essential" jobs that didn't allow them time off.  Note to self: Do more of this.  It's so easy to show ongoing appreciation.

So, see?  It's not all tears and disaster planning.  Life is a precious thing.  If nothing else, this pandemic time has softened me, made me appreciate small kindnesses.  My heart has opened to the simple things, to the love, friendship, and connections that will find a way, even when the usual way is barred.

Do I still worry?  Well, sometimes.  But no one need worry about my worry.  It has its place, but it doesn't consume the whole of me.

At least that's the view from here...©