ALL IN THE FAMILY

I don't write about my family all that much, as much as to protect their privacy as to not bore my readers.  But sometimes if feels there is a whole, important swath of my life I'm leaving out.  Lots of bloggers use their families for regular fodder, I just don't.   But, oops, here goes....

First, it's hard to write about them without getting sappy and maudlin, which reminds me of when I used to drink.  That was me after my third glass of chardonnay.  That or self-pitying.  Either way, not attractive, so I try to avoid sappy and maudlin.  Still....I do love my family members to the point of tears, which I try to keep private with moderate success.

I really am so lucky to be married to the same man for almost 47 years.  We met in high school; such a cliche to say "my high school sweetheart".  I don't know that we were ever "sweethearts", which has such an innocent ring to it.  Saying we were high school "mutual lust objects" might be closer to the truth.  That lasted awhile.  But by the time the initial "blush" wore off, we were basically unable or unwilling to disentangle our single selves from our coupledom, which had grown to include families, friends, common experiences, a few tragedies, and lots of fun times.  You know, relationship stuff.  There were stress points for sure and brief "time outs" but 4 years into it all we got married and on it went.  We had MANY stress points in our early married years and one big year-long time out when we lived separately, but then, well, we were still us and we decided to move to the East Coast together and take it one day at a time.  Then we moved to the West Coast and began our true "adult" lives and I guess we are still doing that. 

But sometimes things are still hard.  We haven't had the very best start to 2019.  It seems we've been drifting a bit, butting heads a bit, feeling our way into what I think is a new age and stage of life and marriage.  Neither of us is blameless just as neither of us is to blame either.  Life just gets messy and we've never been on this road before.  It's like when we travel and don't know where to turn, where to eat, where to find lodging; tempers flare for a time, then calm down, then we laugh, then it all starts again until we get familiar with the new territory.

We just returned from a vacation where one night, in the midst of another of our marathon 'processing' conversations,  I went into non-alcohol-fueled self-pity mode and decided he was a saint for putting up with me over all these decades.  I cried and told him I would understand if he was just finished with me.  I told him I'd understand if he wanted to just divorce, move on, and have the life he deserved.  I was obviously out of my mind, and he knew it.  He looked at me and with a weary sigh, said, "Now why would I want to do that?  I love you."  See?  Sainthood.  We are now past that storm; there will be others.  But we are still us.  Still here.  To the end, no doubt.

My sons.  I worry that I'm forgetting details of their childhoods that I thought I'd always remember.  I really need to get my old photos out of the box and remind myself of our lives back then.  I was a faithful journal-keeper too, but those journals likely make me sound like the most depressed, pissed off, overwhelmed woman on earth.  They were my place of catharsis when times were hard.  And times tended to be hard for a woman/wife/mother who was trying to be "supermom" and emotionally and physically exhausted from it all a lot of the time.  That said, those boys were my world, and seeing them now as adults, one with children of his own, is a little disorienting.  In their early 30's, successful, happy, independent, in loving relationships, eager to be part of family life with the rest of us, excited to gather for our weekly Family Dinners and holidays and birthdays...it really does bring me to tears of gratitude....

....which are different tears from those shed over childhood sibling battles (there are literal scars);  calls from frustrated teachers, teenaged broken hearts, alcohol and pot experimentation, college "antics" (that's not at all the right word and I'm sure I don't know the half of it), and times when the necessary separation from "mommy" made me feel kicked to the curb (and broken hearted) in spite of all my efforts to always be close to them.

There are no insurance policies against the bad stuff happening, so I'm glad those years were full of great and wonderful and fun times too: First girlfriends, school dances, football and crew, smart, funny friends hanging out at the house, long conversations, and many, many family trips and outings.  I'm grateful we moved through the hard stuff and came out OK, actually great, on the other side.  I'm thankful for every moment of the good stuff....and I still miss it some as the "boys" have moved their allegiances, experiences, and confidences to share with their women, as it should be, but still....

Grandkids.  I never really thought about having grandchildren.  I guess there is the whole 'circle of life' thing where on some level if you have kids you might assume one day there will be grandkids, but that's no guarantee, especially these days when any number of people forgo marriage and/or children.  It's all good.  So I just figured I'd sit back and see what happened.  What happened is Son One married a woman who had a baby girl from a previous marriage.  Instant Grandma.  Then they had another daughter together.  Son Two is getting married next year and ... well ... we will see.

For now the two granddaughters I do have have stolen my heart in a way I never would have thought.  And I also love that I can plainly see they are not perfect.  They are perfectly human with foibles and lovable aspects and so much to learn.  They delight and exhaust me and sometimes even make me mad.  I'm grateful they live nearby and I get to see them often, having them be part of our lives.  Selfishly, at their young ages I love how much they currently love me and want to be at our house all the time.  I know (having gone through this separation once with our sons) that one day they will not be so enamored of Grandma and Grandpa and might want to be anywhere but here.  But for now, I'm making it a priority to play pretend, do crafts, read books, volunteer in classrooms, host sleepovers, mend clothes, buy treats, go shopping, listen to problems and fears and joys, answer "life" questions, share family stories, act goofy, laugh at silly jokes, learn about kid music, dance together, sing loudly, and applaud their two-person plays put on for an audience of family adults.

So on this Easter Eve, I'm thinking of family....partly of the one I grew up in and realizing again that I am the only one left of my family of origin, my parents and brothers gone on to wherever we go when our bodies are finished.  That's a lonely feeling.  But also of the new "family of origin" I've created.  We are all still here; each in our own age and stage of life, each with our own joys and challenges, all gathering tomorrow for Family Brunch at our house, Easter Egg hunting in our yard, creating memories that may last for awhile before they fade.  Hopefully the feelings of sappy and maudlin love with remain.

At least, that's the view from here...©
Photo Credit:  www.pixabay.com