AWAKE

Well, I had a helluva weekend.

Sometimes you don't know if you've been asleep until you wake up.

I've been having this horrific nightmare that some misogynist, racist, self-serving, unqualified doofus named Donald Trump won the presidency.  Crazy, right?  In my dream he defeated probably the most qualified person ever to run for president, a woman no less, and then went on to choose a cabinet of deplorables who have proceeded to dismantle the very agencies they are overseeing!  Crazy, right?  He regularly lies to everyone, antagonizes allies, buddies up to dictators, and calls our free press the 'enemy of the people'.  Turned out the Russians actually helped him win by attacking our election system with disinformation and hacking into private email servers.  And he's under investigation for colluding with the enemy.  It's one of those nightmares that could be a movie!  Crazy, right?

In my dream I've been a Resistance fighter, nose to the grindstone doing all I can, with a small local group of compadres, and other Resisters nationwide, to stop our rapid descent into authoritarian rule.  People on the other side are outspoken, violent, and rude to say the least.  They believe everything this guy tells them and can't see what he does is at their expense.  I fight for them too.  I could go on and on about the daily horror show, but suffice to say, I've been immersed in disbelief, dismay, and acting upon an urgent call to action.  At times I feel like I'm drowning.  I flail around trying to keep my head above water.  Sometimes I float to the bottom into the darkness.

What I noticed in my dream was that while all of this was going on, I also tried to have a normal life. I socialized, I took trips, I paid bills, I exercised, I went on Weight Watchers, I loved my family, I read books, I crocheted, I cooked and cleaned and got the car washed, I grew some food in my garden and planted some flowers...you know....life.  But a pall was cast over it all.  I felt like every moment NOT dong activism was wasted time in some way.  Intellectually I know better, but that pall was there nonetheless.

Friday night Hub and I had tickets to see Jackson Browne, my all time favorite singer/songwriter/musician.  We've seen him probably 20 times since discovering his music in the 70's.  In many ways his music is the soundtrack of a big chunk of my life.  His lyrics are poetry; perfect whether ballad or rocker or call to action.  So Friday night at the concert I sang along to every word to every song and I was freaking AWAKE!  His music roused me and gave me joy and hope and peace.  I realized at the end of one song, guitars and drums and keyboards blasting with the crowd cheering that I had opened my mouth and screamed; literally screamed at the top of my lungs for about 30 seconds, my primal yell drowned in the wall of sound around me.  As I was doing it I became aware that it wasn't about the music anymore; it was about giving all of my pain and anger and angst and lonliness voice.  It was pure release.

On Saturday I attended a workshop with John Pavolovitz http://johnpavlovitz.com, a pastor, author, blogger, and Resistance hero.  He led us in an exploration of compassion burnout and how to avoid it.  He was kind, welcoming, affirming, articulate, and so funny!  I found myself in tears as he so astutely and eloquently acknowledged how very disorienting and difficult it has been to find our country in this place in time and how exhausting is the daily struggle to remain sane and engaged when all around us chaos swirls.  He "got" exactly how I've been feeling.  He gave voice to my sadness.  His acknowledgment was like a hug, a balm to my spirit.  I felt less alone.

Saturday night, however, was a different awakening.  I sat with a group of friends who meet monthly and we talked about the Pavlovitz workshop and that he gave the advice to be engaged in social media.  (And to also beware of its toxic nature if we get obsessed with it.)  Almost everyone in the circle talked about their aversion to Facebook and social media, finding little of interest there and/or succumbing to the black hole it can become.  Most said they were weaning themselves away, might look but never engage there,  and/or never enjoyed it anyway.

I was stunned.  I went from feeling affirmed by what Pavlovitz had said about finding community on social media, finding support and encouragement, and a source of information, to feeling downright embarrassed about my social media use.

I have spent considerable time using social media to share about my personal life, about political issues, sharing information and calls to action, and hoping to find support and yet here was a group of close friends saying they pretty much wanted to shut down their Facebook pages.  I realized in that moment, that AWAKE moment, that again, I'd been sleeping.  I had not seen that what I'd been doing was only appreciated by a relative handful of people.  Much of my support on social media, at least for political action, comes from strangers in the form of various groups who post there.   No wonder I've often felt I'm whistling into the wind, when my FB friends ignore me and only a few respond.

On Sunday, I went to a concert by the incomparable Jami Sieber www.jamisieber.com.  She played at my yoga teacher's beautiful home and art studio space.  Jami's electric cello is magical and her music transcendent.  It was the calm, meditative, centering finale I so needed after a weekend of turbulent awakening.

Something has shifted now.  I can feel it.  I have screamed in joy and release, cried with compassion for myself, cried again in embarrassment and realization of erroneous assumptions, and laid back in the healing melodies of beautiful song.  I am stronger and more balanced today.

I will never stop being outraged at what is happening to our country, but I can only do so much.  I will do all I can, but not to my own detriment, not to the point of darkness.  And I will stop trying to rally people around me who have little to no interest in being rallied.  I will find my allies and we will march forward with what must be done -- together, in community, with joy, laughter, and music as the soundtrack to Resistance.

At least, that's the view from here...©

Photo credit: www.pixabay.com