MARCH MADNESS & BALL SPORTS

Dateline Kauai:  When we arrived last week, we discovered "our" beach had been invaded by a huge number of very fit people -- very tall bikini-ed females and very 6-pack ab'ed males here for the 25th Annual Dino Beach Volleyball Tourney.  Dino, being short for dinosaur, because it's sort of a swan song event for "older" players who may have been pros, or at least very good players, at one point (Who knew?  Professional volleyball?), but who now play for fun with younger, currently pro and semi-pro stars of the sport.  Teams have to be a mix of ages, adding up to 80 years or over as I understand it.  I might have the math wrong, but you get the idea.  It's all in good fun.  There was a very mellow vibe of players, family, friends, and fans from across the U.S. gathered 'round each of the four "courts" cheering their favorite team on.  Tents with commercial logos were set up to sell stuff, vintage rock music was played, laughter and applause erupted on a regular schedule.  It was festive.

A couple days later we went on a hike along the water's edge at Shipwreck Beach and then up the cliffs towering above the water where one part of the trail skirts a championship golf course.  Another type of ball sport.  It got me thinking....

First, Disclaimer:  I am a sports fan.  I've spent most of my life cheering for a home team (Cubs, Sox, Bears, Bulls, Mariners, Sonics, Seahawks, Sounders) and for my athlete husband (even when still dating back in the day) and for my athletic sons.   So I am not here as an anti-sports prude.  I love sports.  I'm a great spectator and fan.

That said, most ball sports are rather silly when you get right down to it.  As I walked along the golf course the other day, I made a mental list of the ball-centric games I'm most familiar with, listing "silliness" from least to most:

10.  Croquet -- A sentimental choice for sure, but still a classic. My grandparents back yard; summer Sundays; all ages can play; colorful balls.  Wickets!!!  Slightly upper crust British origins that make one feel fancy.  No special clothing required -- suits to dresses to shorts to bikinis.  What's not to like?  Nothing silly about it!  Right?

9.  Baseball -- Ahhh....the Boys of Summer.  It is the most childlike of games.  You choose up teams, then put one of them in various positions in the "field" and give them a mitt to catch the ball so they don't hurt their hands.  The other team lines up and takes turns hitting a ball with a bat and then has to run to across 3 bases before reaching "home" back where they stood to bat in the first place.  The other team can stop this progress by catching  the hit ball and stepping on a base before the runner gets there and then the runner has to sit down and eat some sunflower seeds.  The big thrill is when a hitter hits the ball so far and so fast that no one can catch it and it's a "homer" and he gets to run all the way around while people go wild cheering and ordering more beer and eating another hotdog.  But there is also a lot of "down time" since it's actually very hard to hit that ball, so a lot of time the batter swings and misses or hits it a little bit, but it doesn't count, and during these times you can take a nap and not miss a thing.  Hub once pitched a no-hittter, which I am obligated to note here.  I have spent a lot of time at baseball games, from Little League to Mariner's season ticket holder, so while I admit to the silliness of it, I do love it.  Also, Ernie Banks. Also, Ken Griffey Jr.

8.  Football -- Legalized gladiators.  Big, handsome, athletic, charismatic players.  Game day is a party, state fair, march, rally, concert all rolled into one.  Rabid fans, perky cheerleaders, brats and beer.  One team has the ball and tries to get it past the goal line of the other team.  The other team tries to stop that from happening by knocking opponents to the ground.  War analogies are not off the mark.  It's rough and violent and players sometimes get seriously hurt.  Plus, the rules.  There are so many rules in this game that they have to stop after every play to sort out who broke a rule that time.  Sometimes many rules are broken at once and each team get a penalty.  It's a lot of go, stop, go, stop, stand around and wait, then go again before stopping again.  For some reason, it's the most popular sport in America, especially for those who drive big, rugged pick-up trucks.  Shamefully, I like it too.

7.  Basketball -- Hoop. Net. Ball.  Pretty easy concept. Back and forth, back and forth, trying to put the ball in the basket more times than the other team.  Rules are easy to understand though and it's played  indoors in winter, so it's cozy and warm.  The players are super tall people in great athletic condition, so sort of an exotic breed to me of the 5'3" don't-like-to-run persuasion.  Plus, two words:  Michael Jordan.  I was a super fan back in the day.  When he retired from basketball, so did I, so my fandom is dated, but I hear there are still good players in the game.  And every spring the college championship is determined with elimination tournaments called March Madness.  You pick a bracket of teams to bet on or something, which is a sport within a sport, so there's that silliness too.

6.  Soccer -- Son-Two, a huge fan, will hate me for this, but I still don't get it even after many tries.  I am obviously deficient in some appreciation gene, because I know "futball" is the most popular sport in the world.  Still, it's just lots of guys running up and down a field (in colorful outfits, granted) constantly kicking that ball around and occasional bouncing it off their heads but unable to touch it with their hands, which would make things oh so much easier!  During all this running, the time ticks away -- but not really because just when you think the game (OK, match) is blessedly over, you discover that "stoppage time" has been seemingly arbitrarily added on and they keep going!  Sometimes a player takes a dramatic dive to the ground and writhes in agony for awhile and you think they will need to be carted off the field of play, but no, suddenly they just jump up and keep going, which begs the question about acting classes being part of training.  Also, the game can end in a Nil-Nil (0-0) tie and you wonder why you were there.  For the singing I think.

5. Volleyball/Beach Volleyball -- PTSD for me on this one, since it was one of the Girls PE games we were forced to play in high school and at which I sucked (as I did at all of the games, but this one was particularly cruel).  There are servers and spikers and more than one person on a side has to touch the ball, either bouncing it up with their wrists or their fingertips (How many finger sprains?  Countless!) and then everyone switches sides and someone calls out the score so you actually have to keep track of that in your head and sometimes people are so into it they actually fall down trying to get to the ball, which, what?, who cares???  (Part of my sucking was not caring.)  Wearing a swimsuit is an advantage over the Girls PE outfit we had to wear that was something out of the 19th century, but I still see no point to the game, either indoors or out.

4.  Racketball/Squash -- Something to do at the Y.  After work.  With the guys.  Instead of civilized classes like Zumba or Yoga.

3.  Rugby -- Just an excuse for playing in the mud and getting in a scrum, which I believe has homoerotic overtones, but I could be wrong.  Still...all that pushing and shoving and touching! Plus, where's your helmet???

2. Ping Pong -- Are  you over 14 years old?  STOP PLAYING THIS GAME!  Come up out of your parents' Rec Room and get a life!

1.  Golf -- Seriously goofy game.  It's very expensive to buy all the equipment and "green fees" (admission to the course) can cost an arm and leg.  It takes half a day to play.  You grab a big club and whack a teensy ball that seems to fly off into the ether, never to be seen again until you hop in a little motorized cart to go off in search of it.  It could be anywhere -- in the weeds, the sand, the water, occasionally on the grass.  Then you whack it again and again trying to get it first near and then into a little hole in the ground.  Puhleeze.  You must have a lot of time to kill.  I understand there is drinking to be done when it's over.  (19th hole - cute.)  I say just admit to wanting to gulp an Arnold Palmer without actually having to play one of his courses.

At least, that's the view from here...©

GOLF PORN

I've been sick.  And I never get sick.  Last year, nary a sniffle.  But the bug got me a week ago.  Just a common cold, thankfully, and not the dreaded flu virus.  Still...the stuffy nose, sore throat, watery eyes, hacking cough all make for a less than stellar experience lately, and keep me mostly isolated in my attempts not to infect others, as well as often giving in to the overriding desire snuggle on the sofa in "jammie clothes" and a blankie.

I am getting a bit antsy, however.  Of note, I'm tiring of my usual reading materials and picked up a freshly delivered copy of Hub's Golf Digest magazine.  I don't golf.  Truth be told, it's sort of a silly sport, in my opinion.  (Oh...I hear you dear golfing friends, I hear you, and I love you anyway....).  It is very popular, however.  I get that.

Hub is an occasional golfer.  Being just a natural jock kind of guy though, he is passable to really good at most sports -- even those he rarely plays.  He used to golf about once a year, but has increased that frequency over the past couple of summers since "couple friends" of ours took it up.  I know it would be nice if I'd join in and make it foursome, but my lack of interest and bad attitude would outweigh any benefit -- as is so often the case.

Anyway, our friends sent Hub a gift subscription to Golf Digest and I admit I was surprised when he decided to re-up the subscription.  I note he shows moderate interest when it arrives, then it goes on the "to be read" pile, never to be opened again.  I understand this -- I have such a pile going most of the time as well.

Since the guy on the February issue cover (Billy Horschel -- never heard of him) had a passing resemblance to Adam Levine (Maroon 5), I was drawn to opening the magazine.  I spent some time thumbing through it and got the gist of the thing -- it's about how to be a better golfer, what equipment will help, where to play, and what to wear while playing....these socks! (Photo by Victor Prado)

As I was about to put the magazine down, something dawned on me.  Golf is for guys.  Golf is for "guy" guys.  Golf is for rich "guy" guys.  Here's how I know:

Ad content:  Golf club ads are sleek, modern, and mostly in stark sliver/black photography with primary color highlights -- red or blue preferred.  Same with the 2-page Rolex watch spread.  Same with the cars  -- Lincoln Navigator (starting at $61,480), Lexus ("prepare for the white knuckle treatment"), Porsche ("powerful drives are an obsession we share" -- I get it!).

Copy content:  Lots of guys giving golfing advice to other guys, all of an indeterminate age (35-50?), in great shape and wearing some really sporty and colorful slacks and collared, knit shirts that remind me of my dad. (The shirt that is, without the paunch.)

Feature story:  Osama bin Laden Special Forces assassin, turned golfer, talking in great and graphic detail about the day he shot our arch-enemy in the face.  Booyah!  Also, America's Top 100 Golf Courses.  #1 Augusta National.  Famous for the annual Masters Tournament.  Also famous for not allowing any African American members until 1990; mandating all caddies must be black (until 1959) and not admitting women until...wait for it...2012! (Condoleeza Rice was one of two women who were the first to be admitted.  Augusta defends their policies by citing "we are a private club".  Oh, OK then. )

This woman and people of color thing sort of had me going at this point, so I went back through and did a count.  With the exception of Tiger Woods (one photo, one ad) and another man who's ethnicity was indeterminate, all the guys were white.  There is a photo spread on page 98 of 108 total pages of a woman who's face we never see beneath her bent head and white cap, swinging a club.  There is a teeny, tiny photo of a woman who works in the 'golf fashion industry' standing for a photo with the ubiquitous Donald Trump. The only other photo of a woman in the whole magazine is a 2-page ad for Viagra, where that attractive brunette in all the commercials is seductively sprawled in a half-recline on soft bed, offering her sage and oh so understanding advice about "getting and keeping an erection".

I have some advice for the Viagra-inclined golfer too.  Just read this copy from David Leadbetter's article on putting and you may not need that little blue pill:

You'll have much more power for this shot if you hold the club with your normal full-swing grip.  You'll naturally put some wrist action into the strike, which will help you get the ball to the hole.  You're going to need more room for your hands and arms to make a bigger stroke than normal, so stand more upright.  If you're hunched over, you'll struggle to swing the putter freely.  The common mistake when putting from off the green is to try to hit the ball harder with a short, jabby stroke.  Swing back longer, and let the flow and acceleration of the putterhead feel natural.  Don't force it.  Let your hips and knees move a little toward the target, especially your back knee kicking in.  This helps generate more energy so you don't have to try to muscle the ball with your hands.

FORE!

At least that's the view from here....©