"NATURE RETREAT"

I woke up in the middle of the night a week ago Friday with a feeling of vertigo.  I ignored it, but the next day it hung in there with a headache attached.  Uh-oh.  Another migraine.  

I struggled through Saturday, then Sunday we left for a 4 day/3 night camping trip.  I felt icky.  I went anyway.  We'd already had to postpone it a couple of times for scheduling reasons.  Plus, I only go on one or two camper trips a season and this would be the  first for me.  (Fourth for Hub.)

It's well established that I don't love camping.  But I do love some natural settings and Mt. Rainier is one of them I love the most.  So I go there.  This time I decided to try something new.  I hung the moniker "Nature Retreat" on the trip, instead of "camping".  And I created an agenda of events that were not specifically tied to camping, but were tied to time in nature in some ways.  I decided this would make the whole trip more novel and creative.  I'm not sure I was entirely successful.  But it did have different elements and more intentionality.

Here is my Nature Retreat agenda.  We didn't stick to it religiously; some items were constant, some occasional, some didn't work at all.  But it helped set an intention and helped guide us in new ways.

Sunday:  Arrive, Read Nature Poem, Set Intention for Retreat, Snack/Explore, Create table centerpiece of natural objects, N/A drink, Finger Painting, Dinner, Fire, Sharing Gratitude

Monday: Qigong, Read Nature Poem, Set Intention for the Day, Senses Meditation, Hike (part in silence), Yoga stretch, N/A drink, Dinner, Fire, Sharing Gratitude

Tuesday: Qigong, Nature Poem, Set Intention for the Day, Senses Meditation, Choose animal/object name, Hike (keeping in mind the animal/object energy), Yoga stretch, N/A drink, Dinner, Sensory Exploration, Sharing Gratitude

Wednesday: Qigong, Lovingkindness Meditation, Depart

Lowlights for me:  

That damn headache that caused me to feel nauseated.  It lasted the entire week! I felt "off-balance" the whole time, like I was walking the deck of a ship that was rocking on swells.  I was grateful for my hiking poles which saved me from tipping over dozens of times.  I kept listing to the right like an errant grocery cart.  (Crossing a stream by balancing on half-submerged rocks and a log was particularly challenging.)  I want bonus points for being such a trooper.

The bear.  That morning we had drawn from a bowl of names of various animals to keep that animal's "energy" in mind as we hiked in silence for a bit. We also drew inanimate objects.  Hub drew "bear" and "stream".  I drew "eagle" and "log".  

He was a little disappointed in "bear", feeling he's never had much affinity or connection to hears.  But he decided to try to conjure up "bear energy" anyway. I know some people delight in the thrill of seeing wild animals in the forest.  I prefer foliage.  

About a mile from the end of our hike, Hub spied the black bear about 50 yards off the trail, hunting for berries.  He alerted me.  I caught a glimpse of it just as it raised its head to look directly at us.  We stood still, then slowly moved forward as it went back to its berry hunting.  I wanted to run.  I didn't.  But I recalled something about making noise so I started talking really loudly.  And walking with some determination away from it.  I was in a bit of a panic.  I realize I am more at risk for harm from gun violence in my own city on any given day, but all I could think of was the "Couple Mauled on Wonderland Trail" headline.  I was happy to get way past it and more happy to get out of the forest into the open and back to the campground.  I never saw my eagle, but Hub drawing bear energy to us was enough of a "thrill".  (Be careful what you ask for!)

Highlights for me:

Breathtaking views of the mountain.  Hikes that were moderate in difficulty and beautiful.  Hub being so incredibly kind, patient, and supportive of me and my impaired abilities due to dizziness and feeling crappy.  Hub taking care of all the cooking and logistics.  Our exploration of the senses:  I had packed a container of various "nature" items to "tickle" the senses.  I blindfolded Hub and ran various textures over his skin, offered him various things to smell, fed him various items to taste, to go with the sights and sounds we had already experienced earlier.  It was great fun and helped to create a mindfulness meditation on senses we so often take for granted.

At the end of our trip I was very ready to be home  I thought we'd pack and go.  But Hub suggested another hike, a snack at the river, a late lunch at a look-out perch to take in the mountain one last time.  (Read previous post for the difference in me -- "let's go home" and him -- "let's stay longer". )  In spite of my initial impatience I was glad we stayed.  The last hike was my favorite of the trip.  

We had reservations for one more camper outing this week, but it has been cancelled by the National Parks due to fire/smoke danger in the North Cascades.  I can't say that I am very disappointed.  I can call it a "Nature Retreat" all I want...it's still camping.  And once a year is enough for me.  Still, we live in a beautiful place where these "bucket list" destinations are within a couple hours' drive for us.  I am grateful for that.  I can easily go when I want to and Hub is happy to have me come along, even when I'm in less than stellar condition.

At least, that's the view from here...©

HEADACHE BE GONE!

GRRRR....  Seriously!  Nobody likes a whiner, but here I am.

February is almost over and for once I'm glad there is a month with fewer days.  I usually want to expand my life expectancy with a full complement of 30 or 31 days in a month, but I'm ready to bid this month a (not so) fond farewell.

Let's see, this month Hub and I had a huge "disagreement", resulting in many difficult conversations. Then he left town to go snowboarding and I swirled into the pit of depression, then got basically snowed in with the big Snowmaggedon dump coinciding with Yoga Training weekend, stressful in itself.  Then he came home with a bit of a cold, which I promptly caught, leaving me feeling stuffy, drained, and headachy.

Headachy is actually a bit of an understatement.  I've had 8 "headache days" this month so far, 6 of them in a row this week.  Today too.  I don't like to give in to feeling ill unless it is totally incapacitating, so I've forged ahead with regular life stuff all week, but yesterday I was so tired and and nauseated from my headache that I decided to finally take a sick day.

I don't like sick days.  Feels like big waste of time and that I'm a big wuss.  Can you tell I grew up in a household where illness was akin to weakness and sloth?  My dad did take some time off work when he had his massive coronary at age 57, which would have killed him, said his doctor, had he not already been in the hospital for observation due to troubling symptoms the day before.  My mom...hmmm...I don't recall even once seeing my mom sitting down in the middle of the day let alone lying down sick.   And Hub is the same.  He had surgery on his knee 25 years ago and took some time off then.  That was it, in his 30 year career.   We power through.

But yesterday I'd had it.  I posted on FB about my headache and asked my wise friends what to do.  Naturally I got lots of helpful advice!  I'd been going the traditional route of Tylenol and Ibuprofen.  I added an Epsom salts soak in the tub, a capsule of magnesium (but I understand the powdered version is better), and have leads on acupuncturists and auravedic practitioners to call in if needed. I'm scheduled for a massage and facial next week.   I also got a private message letting me know that CBD and THC help.  Well, it's all legal here with "pot stores" nearly as thick in some parts of the city as Starbucks.  I've tried the CBD tincture and ointment and find some relief for aches and pains, but not headache.  And I won't go the THC route.  I have a bad reaction (no, it's no fun for me to be "high") as well as a personal aversion to intoxicants on spiritual and personal growth grounds.  It's just not for me, but I appreciated the concern and the advice anyway.  By the end of the day, I felt a little better....I think it was the warm Epsom salt bath.

Today the headache is back and I'm back to trying to ignore the whole thing.  I'm acknowledging that it's been a very stressful month, my sleep schedule is totally screwed up, my head cold is lingering, and it's no wonder all of this is manifesting in a weeklong headache.  I'm working on my asana practice and pranayama homework for Yoga training, hoping the stretching poses and breath work will yield a relaxation response in my parasympathetic nervous system. (Listen to me!  Yoga teacher talk!)

I'm also looking for the bright spots -- Hub and I have made an attempt at peace and that feels better;  Son Two and future DIL brought home a Golden Retriever puppy and I dare anyone to feel shitty when a Golden puppy is in the vicinity; I've had lovely breakfast and coffee dates with friends; we've hosted our weekly family dinners; I went to a catering biz tasting with Son-Two and future DIL as they make wedding decisions and even got to go along when she made her final wedding gown decision.  Not having daughters, it thrills me to tears that my sons' women include me in these meaningful moments.

Next week we will celebrate our little granddaughter's 4th birthday with rainbows and unicorns.  I ask you, what better way is there to banish a headache and usher out a stressful month?!?

At least, that's the view from here...©

Photo Credit: www.pixabay.com

THE CRAZY

Hmmm.....hoping The Crazy isn't back.

I woke up with a killer headache again this morning.  Fairly regular occurrence lately.  Not daily, but enough to feel like, "Oh shit.  Not again."  I don't know what a migraine actually feels like, never having been formally diagnosed, but I imagine this to be a mild form.  I feel a little dizzy, nauseated, and my head hurts like a pressure vice is clamped 'round it.  I just want to close my eyes.

I tend to go with worst case scenarios, so it might be brain cancer.  Or maybe I need a new pillow again.  I am constantly (and I mean years and years now) searching for a comfortable pillow.  I wake up often with neck and shoulder soreness and the realization that I have been tensing my head, neck and facial muscles.  So that's maybe where the headache thing is coming from.  A new pillow, I tell myself, will remedy that.

Hub thinks I should do a sleep study and see if I have the sleep apnea, so en vogue these days.  I am resisting that, since I know for sure I'd be very non-compliant with the whole whooshing, white-noise, panic-inducing mask apparatus over my face at night.  Plus, he's the one who snores like a locomotive, not me.  And I might have to to move to the guest room even if HE were to don the Elephant Man nocturnal noise maker.

Maybe the headaches are from trying again to go off Estrogen replacement.  I've been on the lowest possible dose since my hysterectomy back in the day -- like nearly 15 years ago -- and at various times I've tried going off, but the docs always put me back on due to having outrageously persistent hot flashes that cause chills, nausea, interrupted sleep and supreme discomfort.  I have taken to tracking them again.  Hitting about 15 episodes per day.  Better than last time I tried to go off -- that was more like 24 (once/hour).  No one believes me about that but that's because they weren't living in my hot bod.  It was hellish.  So maybe this is hormonal headache territory.

I might also be struggling with Demon Depression again.  I wrote a poem last week, when my writer's group summer writing project had one prompt in the form of he word "Hope",  about an acquaintance's suicide 20 years ago   Yes, I got from "hope" to "suicide" in a few well placed lines of poetry.  And today is the seventh anniversary of my mother's death from a stroke after years of living with increasing dementia.  That can't possibly be a contributor to my state of mind, can it?

When I'm not feeling jolly, I get a little testy.  At midnight last night I went out on the porch off our bedroom, switched on the bright lights, and politely, but firmly told the neighborhood teen boys it was time to stop their oh-so-entertaining-and-guffaw-inducing game of "kick the can" under the streetlight in front of our house.  I'd already endured Round 1 of their World Cup run last Sunday night.  Round 2 on Thursday, which resumed at 11:00 p.m. was enough after an hour of trying to ignore them.  It's hot and closing my bedroom window in a bid to screen their voices ended up being very uncomfortable.  But, boy did I feel like "the grouchy old lady across the street", even though I acknowledged they were having fun and I was sorry to ask them to stop.  They mumbled, "sorry", and scuffled into the house of one of the boys across the street.  Six 16 year olds, just having some good clean fun.  No swearing, no drinking, no girls, no throwing stuff, or breaking things...just literally playing a child's game with great hilarity.  I'm sorry; now I feel badly.  But damn, I was I tired last night and really?  Midnight?  (I guess teen boys don't get sleepy by 10 p.m.).

On top of that we had a bit of a family emergency yesterday and while all is well, it moved us all off our emotional ground.  It was like when I had my car accident last September.  One minute everything is fine and the next, in a flash, it isn't, and no amount of "It's going to be OK-ness" seems to return my psyche to a place of equilibrium.  So this afternoon when I looked out the window and saw a white chicken walking down the middle of our city neighborhood street, I just stared at it, and thought, "Yep.  That's a chicken.  Wonder where it's going?"

Which is when I wondered if The Crazy was back.  The Crazy that makes me shut down, take to my sofa, my books, my TV, my self-help library, my inner landscape of rumination and dread of all things awful, where no amount of rainbows and unicorns can break through the existential aloneness that results in a despair that paints everything with a slate gray "what's the point?"brushstroke.

But not to worry.  This is familiar territory and in some ways a time of renewal for me.  And I'll publicly smile through it.  Because even in this state of mind -- headache, angst, and all -- I get that my life is one of incredible bounty and privilege and no one is more grateful than I for the grace of all my blessings.

Nope, not going anywhere except to switch on AmazonPrime and watch another episode of "Catastrophe".   Ironically, it's pretty funny.

At least, that's the view from here...©