I tend to go with worst case scenarios, so it might be brain cancer. Or maybe I need a new pillow again. I am constantly (and I mean years and years now) searching for a comfortable pillow. I wake up often with neck and shoulder soreness and the realization that I have been tensing my head, neck and facial muscles. So that's maybe where the headache thing is coming from. A new pillow, I tell myself, will remedy that.
Hub thinks I should do a sleep study and see if I have the sleep apnea, so en vogue these days. I am resisting that, since I know for sure I'd be very non-compliant with the whole whooshing, white-noise, panic-inducing mask apparatus over my face at night. Plus, he's the one who snores like a locomotive, not me. And I might have to to move to the guest room even if HE were to don the Elephant Man nocturnal noise maker.
Maybe the headaches are from trying again to go off Estrogen replacement. I've been on the lowest possible dose since my hysterectomy back in the day -- like nearly 15 years ago -- and at various times I've tried going off, but the docs always put me back on due to having outrageously persistent hot flashes that cause chills, nausea, interrupted sleep and supreme discomfort. I have taken to tracking them again. Hitting about 15 episodes per day. Better than last time I tried to go off -- that was more like 24 (once/hour). No one believes me about that but that's because they weren't living in my hot bod. It was hellish. So maybe this is hormonal headache territory.
I might also be struggling with Demon Depression again. I wrote a poem last week, when my writer's group summer writing project had one prompt in the form of he word "Hope", about an acquaintance's suicide 20 years ago Yes, I got from "hope" to "suicide" in a few well placed lines of poetry. And today is the seventh anniversary of my mother's death from a stroke after years of living with increasing dementia. That can't possibly be a contributor to my state of mind, can it?
When I'm not feeling jolly, I get a little testy. At midnight last night I went out on the porch off our bedroom, switched on the bright lights, and politely, but firmly told the neighborhood teen boys it was time to stop their oh-so-entertaining-and-guffaw-inducing game of "kick the can" under the streetlight in front of our house. I'd already endured Round 1 of their World Cup run last Sunday night. Round 2 on Thursday, which resumed at 11:00 p.m. was enough after an hour of trying to ignore them. It's hot and closing my bedroom window in a bid to screen their voices ended up being very uncomfortable. But, boy did I feel like "the grouchy old lady across the street", even though I acknowledged they were having fun and I was sorry to ask them to stop. They mumbled, "sorry", and scuffled into the house of one of the boys across the street. Six 16 year olds, just having some good clean fun. No swearing, no drinking, no girls, no throwing stuff, or breaking things...just literally playing a child's game with great hilarity. I'm sorry; now I feel badly. But damn, I was I tired last night and really? Midnight? (I guess teen boys don't get sleepy by 10 p.m.).
On top of that we had a bit of a family emergency yesterday and while all is well, it moved us all off our emotional ground. It was like when I had my car accident last September. One minute everything is fine and the next, in a flash, it isn't, and no amount of "It's going to be OK-ness" seems to return my psyche to a place of equilibrium. So this afternoon when I looked out the window and saw a white chicken walking down the middle of our city neighborhood street, I just stared at it, and thought, "Yep. That's a chicken. Wonder where it's going?"
Which is when I wondered if The Crazy was back. The Crazy that makes me shut down, take to my sofa, my books, my TV, my self-help library, my inner landscape of rumination and dread of all things awful, where no amount of rainbows and unicorns can break through the existential aloneness that results in a despair that paints everything with a slate gray "what's the point?"brushstroke.
But not to worry. This is familiar territory and in some ways a time of renewal for me. And I'll publicly smile through it. Because even in this state of mind -- headache, angst, and all -- I get that my life is one of incredible bounty and privilege and no one is more grateful than I for the grace of all my blessings.
Nope, not going anywhere except to switch on AmazonPrime and watch another episode of "Catastrophe". Ironically, it's pretty funny.
At least, that's the view from here...©
Wow, from one bad thing to another, I wish I could give your a hug and tell you everything is going to be alright in a day or two.
ReplyDeleteFor the life of me I don't understand why you don't talk to your doctor/s about your headaches and the tension you wake up with in the morning. A session or two with an occupational therapist might help you figure out what kinds of pillows and positions would help. I don't see where a sleep study would do much good because that won't diagnose the source of your stress. But your husband needs one. Snoring is a classic symptom of sleep apnea. By the way, if you tell them you get panic-inducing with a mask over your face, they have different styles that don't do that. Because my husband was paralyzed and couldn't flip over on his side if he were to vomit, his sleep apnea specialist could not prescribe him a traditional mask because he'd "drown" should be get sick in the night.
Take care of yourself and do your turtle imitation, withdrawing from the world, Sometimes it's the simplest self protection moves like that that helps the most.
I love that you scolded me a little about not talking to my doctor. Makes me feel like we are really friends. :) And you are right. I "mentioned" it o my new primary care doc (my old one left her practice and I'm not sure I like this new one). She seemed pretty disinterested, but maybe I wasn't forceful enough in demanding an answer. I never thought of an OT for help with pillows! And yes to my husband's snoring. It's not constant, but I have thought he might be the one with apnea. (Seems everyone has it.) And I didn't know there were remedies other than the dreaded mask. You are a wealth of good info, Jean. Thanks. (And I feel a bit better today, having taken yesterday afternoon to be home alone reading and napping. Headache went away!)
DeleteYou are so brave and honest with the sharing of your "inner self" and I hope you are compelled to seek possible solutions for, at least, the muscle tension/headache. Hard to say "thank you" for this posting but truly, that is what I mean when I say, relax in the single moments of quiet.
ReplyDeleteMy honesty about life is just me being me. And hoping to model for others that nothing and no one is without flaw, angst, inner turmoil at times. Had a quiet afternoon yesterday and actually napped -- a rareity. So nice.
DeleteHow are you doing?
ReplyDeleteMuch better, Jean. Thanks for checking back in on that last post. :) I am traveling for a few days -- fodder for more writing. :)
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