SELF-THERAPY: WHAT I DO

 

So, this is Week 2 of therapizing myself.  I probably should just try to get an appointment with my real therapist, but I haven't seen her in 2 1/2 years and I don't feel that desperate. Besides, by the time I begged and cried and assumed my best "I'm a mess" voice to get the attention of the gal in the cubicle who schedules appointments, the first possible opening would still likely be 6 weeks out. I know a lot about therapy, psychology, personal growth and I have a GREAT stranger therapist I've never met, but who I follow by reading his books, listening to his podcast, and signing into his weekly meditation series.  I can do this.

It's snowboard season at my house.  Hub is gone a lot, "on tour".  He has a season pass this year that allows him access to like seven different resorts, and he's periodically traveling to most of them for multiple day stays. Last year he was away about 4 weeks, cumulatively, during snow season; almost as long this year.  Anyway, with him gone, I'm taking my own alone time to fix myself.

I've just come out of about a month-long depression.  I'm pissed about that.  I have not had serious depression in about, well,  2-1/2 years (per therapist reference above).  But the monster grabbed me after a couple of  unrelated to each other "trigger events" right around the holidays (not holiday related) and it sucked.  I was in a full-on self-loathing downward spiral that finally culminated in a week in mid-January with me declaring a "solo silent retreat" to hunker down alone, which I wrote about in a previous post (Connection Addict).  In the end, I felt rested and renewed and ready to move into Phase II: changing some ways of being that no longer serve me.

So this week, starting today, I'm on a quest to put to rest some old stories that are keeping me stuck.  You know what they say about modern day stress -- that our bodies respond to emotional threats in just the same way we responded to Saber Tooth Tiger threats back in the distant day.  We are hardwired for survival, constantly scanning for danger.  Often there really is no tiger, and it's all in our worrying minds. But sometimes, when you are just peacefully grazing on the savannah, a tiger does come sneaking out of the jungle and might even take a swipe at you, draw a little blood.  Yeah, so that happened about 3-1/2 years ago. 

Since then I've been scanning for danger and threat almost constantly, doing all I can think of to do to learn the tiger's ways to avoid any sneak attacks, to mitigate any surprises, to stay safe.  It's exhausting.  And unnecessary.  The origin event is now in the ever-increasingly distant past. The wound is no longer raw; even the scar is fading.  But, well, as a highly sensitive person (HSP, yes, it's a real thing) and a person for whom safety is Job One, the whole tiger thing is a scary "what if ?"every time I see something that even resembles a tiger.  But it's time....truly time to let go and get on with admitting these tiger attacks are rare and there is no reason to stay in fight or flight mode.

So my wonderful "he doesn't know me but I know him" therapist, Rick Hansen, PhD, has written a book called "Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness" and  this week I am working my way through it. He's teaching me to rewire my brain from negative thoughts to positive ones -- from fear to strength and resilience.  It's not about "the power of positive thinking" where one denies what is real.  

It is about mindfully "letting be" -- fully accepting what is real and observing the attendant emotions dispassionately.  I wrote pages of sentences beginning with "this is real and how I feel..." Then moving into a time of "letting go" -- doing what must be done to express and purge the negative and troubling thoughts and emotions. This may involve talking to someone,  but also may mean screaming, yelling, crying, smashing things...safely of course.  Cathartic.  Finally there is "letting in" -- realizing that even when negative experiences come to us there are also positive ones we just gloss over and barely notice due to our brain's "negativity bias" of focusing instead on the threatening event (evolutionarily useful to keep us scanning for danger in order to survive, but not so great for long-term well being).  Yesterday I did "let be"  and "let go".  Today I did "let in".  All of this is in service to our most basic needs:  for safety, satisfaction, and connection.  I'll be focusing on those, and more, in coming days.

But today I went for a walk.  On the waterfront. In the sunshine. I focused as completely as I could on the experience -- the blue sky, the warm sunshine, the tide receding, the cool breeze, the gulls calling overhead, the boats sailing on the bay, the people and their dogs on the path with me, the construction work on new restaurants, the buds forming on spring azaleas. I took it all in, using my senses to really ground in the experience, stopping to gaze and breathe. I acknowledged that yes, life is hard, it can hurt.  And it's also beautiful. The tiger stood in the shadows as the sunshine flooded the clearing. The sunshine persisted long after the tiger slunk away.  

I can't trust that he won't return, but I can trust, with time and practice, that I can teach my mind to rest in the good until, if, and when... secure in the knowledge that I've stored the energy it will take to fight back if I need to.  But it's also likely I won't.  I'm robbing myself of joy while remaining on high alert for a battle I may have already waged.

Does any of this make sense? This is me. This is what I do. I am proud of my ability to face hard things, to fall apart and put myself back together again, to seek and find resources and wisdom teachings, to keep going with hope and persistence, to learn and to grow. This is me. This is what I do.

At least, that's the view from here...©

HEADACHE BE GONE!

GRRRR....  Seriously!  Nobody likes a whiner, but here I am.

February is almost over and for once I'm glad there is a month with fewer days.  I usually want to expand my life expectancy with a full complement of 30 or 31 days in a month, but I'm ready to bid this month a (not so) fond farewell.

Let's see, this month Hub and I had a huge "disagreement", resulting in many difficult conversations. Then he left town to go snowboarding and I swirled into the pit of depression, then got basically snowed in with the big Snowmaggedon dump coinciding with Yoga Training weekend, stressful in itself.  Then he came home with a bit of a cold, which I promptly caught, leaving me feeling stuffy, drained, and headachy.

Headachy is actually a bit of an understatement.  I've had 8 "headache days" this month so far, 6 of them in a row this week.  Today too.  I don't like to give in to feeling ill unless it is totally incapacitating, so I've forged ahead with regular life stuff all week, but yesterday I was so tired and and nauseated from my headache that I decided to finally take a sick day.

I don't like sick days.  Feels like big waste of time and that I'm a big wuss.  Can you tell I grew up in a household where illness was akin to weakness and sloth?  My dad did take some time off work when he had his massive coronary at age 57, which would have killed him, said his doctor, had he not already been in the hospital for observation due to troubling symptoms the day before.  My mom...hmmm...I don't recall even once seeing my mom sitting down in the middle of the day let alone lying down sick.   And Hub is the same.  He had surgery on his knee 25 years ago and took some time off then.  That was it, in his 30 year career.   We power through.

But yesterday I'd had it.  I posted on FB about my headache and asked my wise friends what to do.  Naturally I got lots of helpful advice!  I'd been going the traditional route of Tylenol and Ibuprofen.  I added an Epsom salts soak in the tub, a capsule of magnesium (but I understand the powdered version is better), and have leads on acupuncturists and auravedic practitioners to call in if needed. I'm scheduled for a massage and facial next week.   I also got a private message letting me know that CBD and THC help.  Well, it's all legal here with "pot stores" nearly as thick in some parts of the city as Starbucks.  I've tried the CBD tincture and ointment and find some relief for aches and pains, but not headache.  And I won't go the THC route.  I have a bad reaction (no, it's no fun for me to be "high") as well as a personal aversion to intoxicants on spiritual and personal growth grounds.  It's just not for me, but I appreciated the concern and the advice anyway.  By the end of the day, I felt a little better....I think it was the warm Epsom salt bath.

Today the headache is back and I'm back to trying to ignore the whole thing.  I'm acknowledging that it's been a very stressful month, my sleep schedule is totally screwed up, my head cold is lingering, and it's no wonder all of this is manifesting in a weeklong headache.  I'm working on my asana practice and pranayama homework for Yoga training, hoping the stretching poses and breath work will yield a relaxation response in my parasympathetic nervous system. (Listen to me!  Yoga teacher talk!)

I'm also looking for the bright spots -- Hub and I have made an attempt at peace and that feels better;  Son Two and future DIL brought home a Golden Retriever puppy and I dare anyone to feel shitty when a Golden puppy is in the vicinity; I've had lovely breakfast and coffee dates with friends; we've hosted our weekly family dinners; I went to a catering biz tasting with Son-Two and future DIL as they make wedding decisions and even got to go along when she made her final wedding gown decision.  Not having daughters, it thrills me to tears that my sons' women include me in these meaningful moments.

Next week we will celebrate our little granddaughter's 4th birthday with rainbows and unicorns.  I ask you, what better way is there to banish a headache and usher out a stressful month?!?

At least, that's the view from here...©

Photo Credit: www.pixabay.com

LET'S COLOR!

Here's a link to an article I saw online this morning about how doing art is a stress-reliever.
http://mentalfloss.com/article/81929/making-art-can-relieve-stress-any-skill-level

That explains it.

I have become addicted to adult coloring books.  (Hmmm....sounds rather racy; maybe I should say coloring books for adults?)

Here is my latest book, among the half-dozen I've already completed.  Hub gave it to me for Christmas and I made myself hold off on starting it until I finished the others.  I realize this is a bit OCD.  We will not go there; I'm already in a fragile state due to the political undoing of our country.

I've never considered myself to be a creative visual artist.  I've taken some photographs I like and feel they are artfully composed, but I can't draw, paint, or sculpt "freehand" with any degree of confidence or artistry. I like simple collage because I feel it is a forgiving medium -- until I see those collage artists who do it so masterfully and I realize my attempts are elementary and amateurish.

And then along came the adult coloring book phenomenon.  (Yes, I said it again, but you know what I mean.)  Someone else came up with the designs and all I gotta do is find the type of coloring utensil I like best and go to it!  I've settled on brush tip watercolor pens.  Oh, how the color glides over the paper!  So satisfying!  I have no patience for the fine tips, so my colors often overlap the lines, but who cares?  I also often do it in the low light conditions of a small lamp while watching TV and the next morning I'm amazed at the amount of white still showing through some areas of my painting, but again, who cares?

I fully and completely realize I am NOT doing this coloring so much to create art as to relax and de-stress.  The minute I haul out my book and dump out my pens, my heart rate slows, my breathing is deeper, and I can watch the nightly talking heads on MSNBC and CNN without quaking (too much).

I don't plan anything ahead of time, choosing the colors as I go, making intuitive choices about what color goes where and never really knowing what the final result will be.  I find I am mostly satisfied and wonder what sub-conscious part of my brain is thinking for me.  It's definitely a totally "right brain" endeavor and I'm liking making friends with that part of me.  I'm learning to trust her choices.

So, here's a little gallery of my work.  Don't look too closely...oh, hell, who cares?  No apologies!  I'm having fun and de-stressing.  We all gotta do something to stay sane as the daily craziness from Washington DC engulfs our "left brain" which mostly has taken to repeating,  "WTF is going on here?  I can't believe what I'm seeing and hearing.  I don't get it.  It makes no sense."  Poor little left brain, always trying to make sense of things.  Just grab a marker and let it flow...

At least, that's the view from here...©