Because I need both of those right now....
I finally found a therapist willing to work with me in the way I needed. I think the others over the years were good and one was pretty great, but all were hampered by needing to fit their approach into an insurance-approved mold. Depression and anxiety are convenient diagnostic labels that can be handled in 4-6 visits I guess. Less is even better. "Do you feel better now? Call me if you need me." I always felt like maybe we addressed the acute issue, but never the the ultimate "why" of it all.
Last spring and summer a couple of "last straw" events happened that showed me I needed something different, something deeper. I was determined to change my situation and determined NOT to keep trying to deny my own values and identity to get what I wanted. What I finally realized I wanted more than anything was ME. I sought out a trauma-focused therapist; I was eager to get started. But at exactly the same time in early spring, Hub was diagnosed with prostate cancer and his treatment became our priority, as I wanted it to be. The week after he finished his last treatment at the end of August, I started therapy. Finally!
It has been a journey. We met weekly and I paid out of pocket. No insurance limitations. I decided I was worth what it would cost to take this journey (so far, less than more frivolous expenses we don't think twice about, like streaming services and vacations). We started at the beginning with family of origin explorations, attachment bonding styles, identified childhood events and resultant "wounds" that we carry into adulthood, sorted out how we default to "trauma-brain" thinking and behaviors when our psychological safety is threatened. On and on.... I actually LOVE this stuff and find it endlessly fascinating, which explains my lifelong quest for personal growth. But I had reached the limits of my ability to self-therapize and I was frustrated with the acute therapy approach. I needed this desperately and appreciated (even though it was HARD) the deep dive and new learning that emerged.
I was well into the (non-linear, but sorta accurate) therapeutic journey of "crisis, processing, visioning" when I got the word. My therapist had decided to leave her private practice. I had three more sessions before she left. Immediately I was able to work my childhood wound program: Abandonment (check); Non-prioritization (check); Worthiness (check); Trust (check); Safety (check). It was funny, really, that all we'd been working on was right there in my response to the announcement. AND I quickly was able to shut down "trauma brain" and bring some rational responsiveness and compassionate understanding for her (and me) to the forefront.
She has worked with a very tough clientele of individuals and couples for a long time and realized it was taking a toll on her own psychological and physical health. She said she came home more and more often and just wanted to tune out her family and veg in front of the TV. She started having nightmares about what she'd dealt with in her day job (a parade of lies and infidelities, a HUGE epidemic of pornography compulsions and addictions destroying relationships and individuals, suicidal depressions, debilitating anxieties). I was probably the highlight of her day, being highly motivated, articulate about my issues, experienced with therapy, and basically functional! LOL Oh, and she's pregnant. Yes, I had a therapist young enough to still be in that age group. She needed a break for many reasons. I understand.
In this futuristic 2025, when I'll be 3/4 of a century old, I'm still learning, growing, persisting, and today feeling deep gratitude and joyful enthusiasm for life.
That said, our country is about to be challenged in ways unfathomable. Maybe I had to get healthier just to deal with that....
At least, that's the view from here...©
Photo Credit: Graphic from Pixabay.com Others from the internet; not sure who to credit.
Isn't it interesting how what seems 'old' changes when the 'view from here' changes? I'll hear someone referring to a person who is quite a bit younger than me as 'old' and, I'm like..... that's not old. Weird.
ReplyDeleteYes, I can relate!
DeleteSo sorry you lost a therapist you liked. At least this time around you'll know there are a LOT of people going though the fears and depression generated by 45/47.
ReplyDeleteWe only spoke once in therapy about how the deep negative impact our political and cultural life can echo personal trauma issues. It's real. And makes me so sad for those who are triggered over and over and may not have insight into why. It's bad enough on the surface of what is happening but some feel it ever more deeply and personally, even if not directly impacted by his policies and pronouncements.
DeleteFrom email: OMG, to find the right therapist and then…. I’m so sorry this was interrupted for you.
ReplyDeleteI too found that exploring these things from the trauma perspective was very helpful. But I have to say, the psychologist trained in EMDR was the most helpful to me of all. She had the skills for the talking part, taking me through the learnings after the EMDR pieces of the sessions, and used the EMDR technique as a way to get me into the experience of the places that needed work. Anyway… .
I treasure your blogs, and your willingness to share.
I've heard of EMDR being used with PTSD therapy. It intrigues me.
DeleteAnother: "Awesome blog. I appreciate your willingness and courage to be vulnerable."
ReplyDelete🙏🏽
Deletealways enjoy your writing and reflections. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI am deeply grateful for those who read and take time to reach out. My blog is virtually "private" and shared mostly to friends and word of mouth. So I don't expect, but always appreciate, knowing people are reading and enjoying it. Thank you!
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