A ROOM OF ONE'S OWN

When I read A Room of One's Own, by Virginia Woolf way back in the first college course I ever took (Women in Literature, taught by the woman who first introduced me to feminism in the early 1970s) I was captivated.  A woman could have her own space?  To create whatever she wanted?  To think, write, "be" without intrusion, interruption, or obligation elsewhere?

It seemed like a dream, or a fiction.  Nothing in my life had prepared me to even consider this as "real" in any woman's life.  Certainly not mine.  

The influence of this teacher and my many new college friends, as well as the progressive urban culture where I lived in the early 1970s, helped me know I was a feminist and likely always had been.  It was the explanation for my inner rebellion against patriarchal social, political, and economic systems.  But it didn't transfer completely to my own inter-personal relationships.  

My role model was my mom, of course, who I've come to appreciate as one of the most creative, independent, strongest woman I have ever known.  But all of that had to be observed through the filter of a woman of her times who used those talents to toil tirelessly for her  home and family, who served her husband's needs first and always, only later in life finally pursuing a long-delayed career, but not the one she'd dreamed of as a teenager -- so far out of reach as to be a fantasy.  She described herself as "timid"-- her word -- when she was younger and that her career helped her be more confident. Now I know that "timid" meant she was an introvert and highly sensitive because that's me too, via both nature and nurture.  She took her skills and talents for granted and never touted them in any way.  And she certainly never, ever had a room of her own -- literally or figuratively.  In my early feminist years (and too far beyond) I judged her as hopelessly traditional and "lost" to "the patriarchal system".  Oh my! The ignorance of youthful arrogance!  Now I see that in some ways my own life has mirrored hers, feminist or not.  (Another blog post, perhaps?)

Anyway, lately I've been intentional about exploring  the idea of inhabiting separate space.  In my  marriage there has been a value of assumed "togetherness" and that has created a pattern that is both a source of pride and a source of conflict.  

Like my mother before me, I am most happy when I am close to home, family, and friends in familiar, safe surroundings.  I'm not an intrepid explorer of the outside world; I don't long to be on the move; I don't seek the thrill of danger and adventure; I don't crave large swaths of time alone in the world (although once in a while it's nice).  So, my life could be described by some as small, boring, dependent upon others, even timid. 

 (Contact me for chapter and verse for all the ways that judgement couldn't be further from the truth, even if most of my courage has manifested on the inside, not evidenced on the outside in traditional ways.  I'll go toe-to-toe on "challenge, courage, and confidence" with anyone!)

Hub, on the other hand, absolutely shares my love of family and connection and loves our home.  But he also needs/wants time alone -- unstructured amounts of time to de-stress and relax, but also to flex his physical, adventure, and problem-solving muscles.  He sometimes likes feeling totally alone and independent, not needing to take others into consideration in plans and decisions.

We have been talking lately about how in the past decade (approximately since he semi-, then completely retired, but before that too) it seems he has been away frequently on various adventures -- mostly snowboarding trips and camping/hiking/kayaking trips, but also two 3-week trips traveling to India and Nepal, as well as a number of weekend retreats with his men's groups.  When I added it up (because I keep all my old paper calendars) he has been away an average of 4 weeks a year for the past 10 years.  (Not counting those two 3 week trips, because they were not typical).  I added up my away time for the same timeframe: 1/2 week per year on average (not counting my own  9-day Maui trip with friends while he was in Nepal, because that too was not typical).   There is a discrepancy, yes?  

It seems that for him to get his alone time, he has to leave home...because I never do. LOL  I wondered why.  I questioned my "stay at home" nature and wondered if it was because I was afraid to challenge my "comfort zone".  I decided to take a solo trip almost every month this year, to experiment with greater aloneness in the world and also to give Hub some alone time at home, which he says he has enjoyed.

But I'm not sure it's working for me.  I've discovered that being alone in a city, a town, in nature, in a hotel room, at a B&B, navigating the route, deciding what to see, where to go, what to eat, how to spend my time can be stressful and actually not that enjoyable.  I much prefer to share a novel travel experience with a compatible travel companion, whether it be Hub or someone else I want to hang with, as we explore together, creating a shared experience and having stories to tell for years afterwards.  Sure there are places I want to go and plan to go alone (next weekend for example), but for the most part that would not be my choice. 

Consequently, Hub and I have a "predicament" -- we have an unsolvable problem.  Hub should be able to have some time at home alone and I need to not feel I have to leave, wandering alone in the wilderness (haha), to give him space for this.  He has NOT asked this of me (for me to go away), but for years I have felt resentful of his trips and also realize that since I'm always here, he can't find his alone time at home.  I have felt like an obstacle to an important part of his life.  My solo trips have been a recent  attempt to solve this problem.  However...

I've learned (I'm a slow learner) that some problems can't be solved.  He won't change and neither will I on this issue.  We are who we are.  We need to be resilient.  We need to find an adaptation. This has all been an issue for far too long.  I need to stop feeling sad and pissed and he judged and frustrated.  That's no fun for anyone. 

So, last week I proposed that we establish a "personal retreat" when we are at home together.  One night a week we will spend an evening/night apart in our own home.  After an early dinner, we will go our separate ways.  I know some couples have done this for years; not us.  We have always planned our evenings together and have rarely slept apart -- except for after a couple of bad arguments. LOL

Fortunately we have not downsized and still have a big house which allows plenty of personal space once we agree on who's going to stay where on our weekly "retreat" nights.  For now, Hub will have our upstairs bedroom/bathroom/porch and main floor office.  I will have the downstairs TV room, my yoga room, and the main floor bathroom/guest room.  We might accidentally pass in the kitchen getting a snack, but we will try not to.  Apart is apart.  My plan is that we not see, talk to, or interact in any way for the evening and overnight until the next morning. (No texting either!)

Which brings me to getting my own room.  I feel like a teenager who has had to share a bedroom and now gets her own!  I'm taking over the guest room.  It's a comfortable enough space, but it feels impersonal to me.  It just sits there at the end of the hall, slightly musty-smelling because it has no life.  There are weeks when no one even goes in there except for our cleaners who dust and vacuum an unused room.  

I am pouring over Pintrest and Wayfair sites for decorating ideas.  I think I'm going BoHo!  Why not?  It's not the whole house and I find the whole BoHo thing fun and uplifting.  I've been to Home Depot twice grabbing paint samples.  We had planned to remove the wall-to-wall carpeting in there soon anyway; might as well paint over the deep dark forest green that's been on the walls forever and lighten things up.  I wish the bed and dresser were not dark wood, but I can live with that since I'm not willing to spend big bucks on new furniture.  Otherwise, I'm on the hunt for furnishings and decor that will enliven the space and reflect a part of me in my own room !

I'm moving some clothing and toiletries downstairs from our shared bedroom space and taking up new space for me that has not been inhabited since the kids left home.  My room will evolve over time, but the "retreat" plan starts next week.  This might not feel like a big deal to some, but it is a real challenge to our 51-year marriage pattern of cohabitation.  I think we are both curious/excited/hopeful.  

It also might be a disaster.  I'll keep you posted.

At least, that's the view from here...©

Photo Credit: Wayfair ad. (Just an idea... 😁)