I don't think I'm depressed. I know that condition intimately. This doesn't really feel like that. This feels different, but has some of the same characteristics, primarily not being very interested in things that used to consume me, like near-obsessive personal and relationship-related personal growth work, political outrage, pining after connections and relationships that just don't work anymore in the way they used to or that I had hoped. I'm also almost desperate to get rid of things. I look around and poke through storage areas and mostly I just don't care. Let it go. Let it all go.
This has all come up before, but I've struggled with it. Now it doesn't feel like a struggle. It just is. I do wonder if this might mean I'm dying. They say the task of my age and stage is to let go and welcome the final journey with equanimity and curiosity. I'm not quite that far along! I just want to do a deep clean of the attic! And stop whining because my kids don't call me. And stop wishing Hub and I were more alike in some major areas. None of that will change. Letting it go.
Here's an example of that last thing: Hub likes to go away on solo trips -- mostly camping and doing challenging long hikes and kayak paddles or his passion, snowboarding. I like to stay home, but often feel lonely. I finally figured it out. His family of origin story was needing, at a very young age, to prove to himself that he could take care of himself and didn't need anyone. Independence and competence were primary to him and made him feel safe. Our "core wounds" play out in many ways throughout our lives. One way for him is that he goes off alone on physically demanding trips to remind him of that sense of safety. As for me, my family of origin story was one of never feeling "seen" or understood, not being able to trust people to be there for me in important ways. So I am on a lifelong quest for connection, reveling in meaningful relationships with people I can trust, creating spaces (my home, facilitating groups) that are welcoming and nurturing. That is my safe place. I strive for this, driving myself crazy with trying so damn hard to find my safety with other people (who so often don't/can't ever meet that core need in me.) You can see where Hub and I could be at odds, right?
Where I get into trouble is creating a reality that is mine and assuming it is everyone's. I caught myself today and was able to let it go. This is a HUGE thing!
Hub is away camping, Day 4. I am home doing grandkid childcare. I assumed he would get up at his usual leisurely pace, pack up, and drive the hour home, arriving early afternoon, having had a great time the past 3 days/nights, ready to be back at home, to see me, and for sure to see our granddaughter for awhile. That was a "reality" that would work for me. Not him. He texted me at 11:30 and said he was packed and ready but planned to go on another hike, maybe another kayak outing, and would be home at "dinnertime" (a vague ETA). His priority was squeezing a few more hours of adventure and alone time out of his last day away. In the not distant past (last week --- haha) I would have been sad, resentful, even angry. Today I was momentarily taken aback, then just chuckled at myself. Of course I was seeing his priorities of away/alone/adventure through mine of home/connection/relationships. We are different. Not gonna change.
What does any of this have to do with feeling like I might be dying? Because in letting go of my old stories, my old preoccupations, my old possessions, my old determinations to change the unchangeable, it feels like I am making space for something new. I have no idea what that is. I have no visions, fantasies, dreams, or desires other than to get super quiet, live in each moment as best I can, seek ways to find meaningful connections that have no assumptions or strings attached, become my own priority, and see what happens.
Maybe that's some definition of Heaven...we'll see.
At least, that's the view from here...©
Photo Credit: www.pixabay.com
LOVE it!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks!
DeleteMy observation: You spend so much time thinking about and analyzing your life that you don't have as much time to actually live life...in the moment or otherwise. I tend to do the same thing but not as deeply as you seem to do.
ReplyDeleteI don't think wanting to get rid of stuff means you're dying. (Maybe your old way of thinking is dying to make room for a new butterfly to emerge?) We all go thought stages when we've been there, done that and are ready for changes in everything from our decor to our thinking to our hobbies or crafts and friends. We out grow them because they no longer having anything to teach us, or we teach them. You might not challenge yourself against nature the way your husband likes to do but you are still challenging yourself against the forces that govern your set-points in life. It's all good.
I guess decades ago I took to heart Socrates' admonition that "the unexamined life is not worth living". I feel I'm living fully into my life, every moment, and that my introspection has helped me understand my self, motivations, missteps, my relationships, and helped me forge a path in every age and stage that feels authentic for me. It has been HARD and worth the effort. It has made me aware that dying to old ways of perceiving, interacting, and "being" is truly a portal to another place to live and explore. Thanks for noticing that my journey of "inner" challenge is every bit as courageous as that of those who get their challenge from the physical world.
DeleteComment outside the blog: "fantastic read, and growth, and ability to shift “realities” between yours and his. I think this quiet that is settling in might be very fruitful indeed. Look forward to more reflections. "
ReplyDeleteI just reread what I wrote and realized I came off more "judgy" that I meant to in the first paragraph. I'm sorry! I've always admired how well you know yourself and are constantly striving to dig even deeper.
ReplyDeleteSocrate was one smart dude. One of my favorite classes in college was a semester that included a study of the Socratic Method. And later on in life I realized that the comedy of Jerry Steinfeld often used the Socratic Method to bring us great humor.
I understand...words in print sound differently than words in person. I have done the same. And I AM a digger! I have a friend, who is similar to me, and we joke that when someone asks how we are doing they better be prepared for a lengthy deep dive and to be invited to share deeply in return. I told her that's the reason no one likes us. LOL
DeleteComment from email: "I wonder if being Norwegian has something to do with the fact you often write about me?"
ReplyDeleteKaren here … I don’t want to mess with settings to show my google acct
ReplyDeleteAnyway, my first thought was you are finding peace in your life, making room for your space and how to fill it with what you want. I don’t think you are dying any time soon. I love you, Donna ❤️