One in ten Americans experience depression at any given time. 10% of the population. That's one statistic anyway. I guess one's experience with depression will color whether you think that's a large number or a small one. As one of those 10% it seems really small to me; I sort of can't believe it. Really?!?
I think part of my depression comes from my "highly sensitive/responsive" character traits which make me experience and feel things more deeply than most. The "highly sensitive trait" is found in about 30% of the population. (Previous blog post about this: https://myviewfromhere-donna.blogspot.com/2022/09/highly-sensitive-people.html
Here's what I'd like: to be highly sensitive (there are actually some really GOOD things about this!) but NOT depressive! I'd be OK with being in that 20% of the population. But alas...
Anyway, I know people who say they get "blue" for a few days, or feel "emotional" occasionally. That's to be expected; life sucks sometimes. But wow...it also feels so foreign, so impossible to attain that nearly constant state of okay-ness. Their lives must be so easy, so mostly contented and happy! What must that possibly feel like??? Do they feel anything? LOL
I follow a professional blogger/writer who writes with great honesty, insight, and humor about her ongoing struggles with anxiety and depression. I wish I could do that. I write now with some trepidation and outdated shame. I still feel the stigma -- the pity, judgement, fear, and rejection that lives in my past experiences and in my head around how others have, or may, respond to my revelation.
Calling depression a "mental illness" doesn't help, but I guess it actually is. Depression and its twin, Anxiety, are big fat liars who scream in our heads that we are worthless and hopeless and that we should stay inside and under the covers for, like, forever so we don't inflict ourselves on "normal, happy" people. It makes our minds a little weird and "ill", mentally. We often take to our beds. Except that I had a family vacation to do in the middle of it this time. I wasn't moping around the whole time and mostly it was fine, but I did have to close the door to my room sometimes and I did smile through the dead-inside feelings sometimes. I'm very good at that; a lifetime of practice.
This time it's been about a month since I mostly checked out. I got triggered by an old wound, a reminder of past events, and the PTSD of it all came roaring back in like one second. I saw it coming. I thought I'd handled it. But I couldn't, not really. I wish I could explain how this feels to those 90% who just think we can wish or will it away. Nope. But, I'm coming out of it or I wouldn't be able to even write about it. I knew this was a bad bout when I couldn't cry. So about a week ago, when the tears came, I was relieved. I knew that meant I was feeling something again.
This week, I've started to return to my life, thinking about another upcoming trip, planning my garden season, thinking about getting involved in my community in some way, writing again, recording my weekly FB Live video for my yoga group, talking to a couple of friends, putting down my (non-violent, basically lovely) Laurie R. King historical-mystery-series, which I've been reading obsessively as an obvious escape from my own mysterious brain, and checking back in once/day with the actual news of the world. (More mass shootings...which doesn't help, so I'm actively seeking out inspirational stories.)
I'm just going to hit "publish" on this now so it goes out to all who may feel less alone with your own struggles as you read about mine. In a day or so I'll write about other things. I just thought I'd let you know why I've been "absent". If you are in the 10% Club, you get it. If not, lucky you. And I'll be back to your world soon and will cherish each moment of it until the Monster returns, as I've learned it will. Damn it.
At least, that's the view from here...©
Photo Credit: www.pixabay.com
Spot on post. I've been living like a hermit recently and have been hoping that the spring weather will help me break through it and get back to normal life.
ReplyDeleteThe weather is a factor for sure! It is so hard to tease out all the factors that go into triggering an episode, but I know that eventually I'll emerge again. Sometimes I know I just have to force myself to "act as if" -- to get outside, to go run an errand, to put on a little make-up. I used to call it, "one brave and courageous thing a day" and it could be as simple as walking around the block. I'm glad to be feeling better -- I wish for your return to the "sunny side" soon too.
DeleteThanks for sharing your struggles and yes, it helps to know I'm not alone. I'm not in the lucky 10% group either. I can relate to the feelings of numbness when with a group of people and forcing the smile, and not being able to cry - perhaps from trying to hide it and push it away.
ReplyDeleteThe 10% is us...those who suffer depression. I said the 90% was "lucky" and maybe that's true. I also think depression has a lesson to teach -- it gets us in touch with our hearts and what is important to us. That hurting place is begging to be seen and tended to. And it's SO hard! I'm sorry you too have the feelings of numbness; I think that is a huge clue to the fact that something big is seeking our attention. Sometimes I have to wait through that part to start to be able to "see" what my depression is telling/teaching me. I'm with you.
DeleteI'm currently struggling with anxiety. This is the first time I've read your blog, I linked over from another blog. Thanks for sharing. I needed to read this today.
ReplyDeleteHi! Glad you stopped by my blog. I understand the struggle with anxiety. It's so hard. I've come to rely on a few skills around staying mindful, in the present moment, since anxiety is always future oriented. At least for me, it's full of "what ifs". When I ground myself in the present moment I realize that generally everything is OK at least "right now". I also do "belly breathing" that I learned in yoga training. Deep breath in, belly expands, slow breath out, belly contracts, making the exhale longer than the inhale. Over and over until the nervous system starts to calm. You probably know all this. Anxiety can be so debiliitating and so often misunderstood by others. I understand.
DeleteMy first thought is the 10% is flawed by the scale when you go to a doctor and they ask you the 8 or so questions about how you're doing on that particular day at that time, which does not reflect when you go to a dr for a different reason. By the time I have gone to doctors regarding depression, a week has gone by and I'm in a better space. Plus when i go to my psychiatrist for a med check, does that count in the equation?
ReplyDeleteI never thought of that in terms of the percentage. It is true that at any given time we are either in a depression or not. I've filled out the forms both ways. I have to think the percentage must be much higher. ?
DeleteNow... On to my experience of depression and anxiety, which started in my 20s... that I'm aware of. Maybe I had these as a child and didn't know it or recognize because people might not consider a 6 yr old as having depression and/or anxiety.
ReplyDeleteMental health issues, diagnosed or not,, runs in my family which has explained so many of the events, behaviors and coping skills that I now see in family interactions as a child and teen.
Donna has introduced me to the idea of being a highly sensitive person which I while heartedly resonate with. My Enneagram number is another way that I resonate with. With the things my sister, 7 yrs older, has told me about my upbringing resonates woth me to my soul.
All basically points to emotional neglect. Now I experience traumatic responses that shatter me on the inside so much that I cannot function. Even the act of walking outside for one minute seems impossible and out of my comfort zone .
Now that I have names for these experiences, I am doing personal growth work l, but can't keep up.
How to be "happy " isn't even an option at this point. How to function is where I've been for years.
The info on "highly sensitive people" was a game-changer for me. I'm glad it was also helpful to you. It explained so much. And of course the Enneagram helps us understand how we developed a constellation of traits to cope with our challenges as a child that can become solidified into a personality "type", but we don't have to stay stuck there. I work hard at growing past those limiting traits, but some are also helpful! It can all get so confusing. LOL And yes, I had my first diagnoses experience with anxiety in 3rd grade, but undiagnosed anxiety goes back much further. I can think of instances that I would now call anxiety as young as 4-5. I hold you in my heart as you continue your personal growth journey. It's not easy. Some people climb ever higher mountains and are praised for their sense of adventure and accomplishment...we climb our own mountains, invisible to most, but the effort is similar. Be well.
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