What now?
Let's establish that like many others I don't do well with change, especially chaotic, unwelcome, "didn't see that coming" change. So the Covid Times were a wee bit disconcerting for me. I've written a lot about the early days and beyond here in this blog. And now...well into my post-vaccine full immunity, I'm facing change again.
I'd settled into a Covid Times routine. I had mostly made my peace with how we were -- physically distanced, isolated, masked, at home 95% of the time, Zoom-connected. But now...
It feels like the "in-between time". I don't know how to be with this exactly. I don't want to forget what we just experienced individually and collectively. It was huge. But I'm glad the sense of doom is abating. I'm glad we can begin to breathe a sigh of relief that science and good sense (well, some never got the good sense part) have seemed to prevail and we are truly on the road to returning to a life more recognizable, that we once so took for granted. But we are not there yet. And it's hard to believe all is well. Especially for a skeptic like me. Can I trust this to be true? I'm working on it.
I still grab my mask for my daily walks; I'm still hesitant to hug; I still won't go to restaurants; I still keep my hands sanitized; I'm still not eager for gatherings with more than my family or maybe 2-3 vaccinated friends at a time. I still read all the updates and listen for Drs. Fauci and Walensky to guide my decisions.
I've been thinking, too, about what I want to keep from the Covid Times.
*I'm not eager to return to the calendar full of socializing and obligations. I want to be radically discerning about what I do and do not commit to. And I might have to have difficult conversations with friends to explain why I don't feel like seeing them as often, perhaps.
*I've learned that family outreach and gatherings were primarily initiated by me -- maybe fewer is better for all concerned, but I'll have a conversation about that with the family rather than assuming one way or the other. It's a conversation we haven't really had. Do they want Mom to back off (as I have dramatically over the past year, with seemingly little impact) or do they rely on Mom to keep everyone connected and appreciate the effort?
*Hub and I have gone through some "stuff" and have come out with a deeper, more honest, more intimate relationship. That has been the biggest blessing of this time: time and attention. But he will want to return to away-from-home activities and socializing that I don't. We will need to negotiate and accept each other's individual decisions without assuming every social and activist commitment is an "us" thing. And I don't want "busyness" and outside obligations to intrude on our tender, playful, deep sharing time together.
*And, had the hug become the new norm in your circles, replacing the handshakes of olden days? It was in mine, pre-Covid. So many are saying they just want to hug again. I'm not so sure. I've had lots of thoughts about this lately and I think it's worth another blog post. But maybe hugging everyone I meet/see/like/love every time we are together is not a thing I want. Maybe it's just become a thing I do to be "polite". (Decision about this is to be determined...)
My introvert self has in many ways loved a year-long excuse to avoid social obligations, to stay home, to have a blank calendar, to meet up via Zoom for a limited time frame, to spend unhurried and undistracted time working through deep-seated, long-unrecognized "wounds" of the past that had made me be a certain way in my life. I see clearly that old me is gone, or at least walking away and fading into the distance. I feel the change: quieter, more confident, more grounded, more steady, more self-assured, better boundaries, stronger, more accepting, more joyful.
Hopefully those changes will serve me well as I take baby steps into the post-Covid-Terror future. I don't want to go back to "normal", as in everything returning to how it was.
I've done hard work: feeling the grief of distancing from people I love; embracing the fear of illness and death; understanding the realization that trust is hard for me and abandonment is a dreaded experience I've built my life around avoiding; knowing, really knowing that I am, we are all are, existentially alone and finding the courage to rely only upon myself -- and finding strength and peace there.
I'm different now. I need to forge a new normal for me. I'm not getting any younger and anything at anytime can hit us out of the blue, as we've just seen.
Living on the precipice of change is lonely and scary. But living an honest and authentic life is more urgent than ever.
At least, that's the view from here...©
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