What now?
Let's establish that like many others I don't do well with change, especially chaotic, unwelcome, "didn't see that coming" change. So the Covid Times were a wee bit disconcerting for me. I've written a lot about the early days and beyond here in this blog. And now...well into my post-vaccine full immunity, I'm facing change again.
I'd settled into a Covid Times routine. I had mostly made my peace with how we were -- physically distanced, isolated, masked, at home 95% of the time, Zoom-connected. But now...
It feels like the "in-between time". I don't know how to be with this exactly. I don't want to forget what we just experienced individually and collectively. It was huge. But I'm glad the sense of doom is abating. I'm glad we can begin to breathe a sigh of relief that science and good sense (well, some never got the good sense part) have seemed to prevail and we are truly on the road to returning to a life more recognizable, that we once so took for granted. But we are not there yet. And it's hard to believe all is well. Especially for a skeptic like me. Can I trust this to be true? I'm working on it.
I still grab my mask for my daily walks; I'm still hesitant to hug; I still won't go to restaurants; I still keep my hands sanitized; I'm still not eager for gatherings with more than my family or maybe 2-3 vaccinated friends at a time. I still read all the updates and listen for Drs. Fauci and Walensky to guide my decisions.
I've been thinking, too, about what I want to keep from the Covid Times.
*I'm not eager to return to the calendar full of socializing and obligations. I want to be radically discerning about what I do and do not commit to. And I might have to have difficult conversations with friends to explain why I don't feel like seeing them as often, perhaps.
*I've learned that family outreach and gatherings were primarily initiated by me -- maybe fewer is better for all concerned, but I'll have a conversation about that with the family rather than assuming one way or the other. It's a conversation we haven't really had. Do they want Mom to back off (as I have dramatically over the past year, with seemingly little impact) or do they rely on Mom to keep everyone connected and appreciate the effort?
*Hub and I have gone through some "stuff" and have come out with a deeper, more honest, more intimate relationship. That has been the biggest blessing of this time: time and attention. But he will want to return to away-from-home activities and socializing that I don't. We will need to negotiate and accept each other's individual decisions without assuming every social and activist commitment is an "us" thing. And I don't want "busyness" and outside obligations to intrude on our tender, playful, deep sharing time together.
*And, had the hug become the new norm in your circles, replacing the handshakes of olden days? It was in mine, pre-Covid. So many are saying they just want to hug again. I'm not so sure. I've had lots of thoughts about this lately and I think it's worth another blog post. But maybe hugging everyone I meet/see/like/love every time we are together is not a thing I want. Maybe it's just become a thing I do to be "polite". (Decision about this is to be determined...)
My introvert self has in many ways loved a year-long excuse to avoid social obligations, to stay home, to have a blank calendar, to meet up via Zoom for a limited time frame, to spend unhurried and undistracted time working through deep-seated, long-unrecognized "wounds" of the past that had made me be a certain way in my life. I see clearly that old me is gone, or at least walking away and fading into the distance. I feel the change: quieter, more confident, more grounded, more steady, more self-assured, better boundaries, stronger, more accepting, more joyful.
Hopefully those changes will serve me well as I take baby steps into the post-Covid-Terror future. I don't want to go back to "normal", as in everything returning to how it was.
I've done hard work: feeling the grief of distancing from people I love; embracing the fear of illness and death; understanding the realization that trust is hard for me and abandonment is a dreaded experience I've built my life around avoiding; knowing, really knowing that I am, we are all are, existentially alone and finding the courage to rely only upon myself -- and finding strength and peace there.
I'm different now. I need to forge a new normal for me. I'm not getting any younger and anything at anytime can hit us out of the blue, as we've just seen.
Living on the precipice of change is lonely and scary. But living an honest and authentic life is more urgent than ever.
At least, that's the view from here...©
Photo Credit: www.pixabay.com
Our Covid numbers are going up again here in my state. The ups and downs of living in a pandemic are so stressful. And it's getting OLD. We've all got to hang in there, Donna. If nothing else we're really learning a lot about ourselves now that we all have our feet held to the fire.
ReplyDeleteYes, I've been thinking of you when I see the Michigan numbers...scary! Keep taking precautions!!! It is so stressful, isn't it? But we WILL hang in there and we WILL come out strong. 💪🏻
DeleteI hear you, Donna. Much the same for me.
ReplyDeleteI always feel we have so many similarities, Karen! More food for thought and topic for conversation.
DeleteI would imagine you are not the only one doing some thinking of how you want to get on with your life and what your new normal might look like. I thought about how life must have been like after the 1918 Spanish flu pandemic and how people eventually returned to normal and then when polio was prevalent. I remember my mom talking about the fear parents had with their kids being out playing with other kids, etc., during that time. My mom was born in 1921; the last of 10 kids, and she didn't talk about the Spanish flu so I'm thinking it didn't hit anyone in her family or hit them hard if that makes sense because she did tell lots of stories of her growing up days and her family before and after her birth.
ReplyDeleteFor hubby and me, we pretty much did the same things we did pre pandemic through the pandemic. I know we are awful, but we took precautions of washing hands, sanitizing this and that, wearing masks, etc. We went out to eat when restaurants reopened, we went back to church when in person services started again, etc. Only things we haven't done are going to a movie (no interest) or going to a mall (don't want to spend money). We stayed away from son/family for 6 weeks at the beginning of Covid and then I said enough is enough for me and we started seeing them again, hugs and all. But that's just us. It worked for us and by the grace of God no one got sick with Covid or pretty much anything this past year. I work outside the home where I get temperature checked before my workday and have to wear a mask unless I'm sitting at my work station. So for us we don't have too much to adapt to with a new normal since we kind of kept our normal.
I like your blog. I like that you don't name anyone on your blog. I do the same thing; don't even have pictures of any family or myself or hubby.
betty
Hi Betty! Welcome! I'm so glad you are here and I love your long comment. It's nice to hear how others have navigated the Covid Times. I'm hoping everyone will be able to be healthy and strong (physically and emotionally) at the end of this historic moment in time.
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