DON'T LOOK IN THE MIRROR: HOW OLD ARE YOU?

Try this. Close your eyes.  Do a little scan of mind and body.  What are you thinking?  How are you feeling?  Do you dwell in the past or project into the future?  What if all that exists is right now?  What if there was no real sense of time, of aging, of even the concept of chronological time?

It's a bit hard to suspend what we already know...we actually do have a concept of time and age.  But just for the purposes of this meditation, pretend you just showed up with a body and only a rudimentary sense of age (you know, for example, that you are not a child).  Someone asks, "How old are you?"  What would you answer?  If you didn't know your chronological age, how old would you say you are?  

Too often we age ourselves mentally by using external criteria and cultural overlay to determine our age, or least how we feel about it.  We look in the mirror and see wrinkles, sags, splotches, crepe-y underarms, cellulite infused thighs, breasts more sagging that pert.  We think, "OMG!  I'm OLD!  I'm UGLY!" And too often our feelings of self-worth take a nosedive.  And that's mostly because we live in a youth-obsessed culture where the "gold standard" of adult beauty is an unrealistically flawless template of perfection achieved somewhere in our late teens/early 20s. 

What if looking older was the gold standard for beauty?  What if wrinkles meant we'd laughed a lot and displayed this evidence of a happy life with pride?  What if the frown lines meant we'd been serious and studious and devoted ourselves to a life of determination and accomplishment and we wore the evidence of that with pride?  What if our soft bodies, with sagging breasts, wide thighs, and soft bellies were prized for finally being a comfortable place to hold a child, cuddle with a lover, celebrate a life of childbearing, work, and then ease?  What if every change we judge negatively was a change to be celebrated instead?  Self-worth would have a totally different definition.

I know a woman who recently had a not-quite-milestone birthday, but close enough.  She laments the changes her body has gone through, noticing a bit of sag and a few deepening lines on her face.  She feels "old" and unattractive.  She is fit; having recently taken up doing challenging hikes and backpacking.  She works full time at a stressful career and is great at it.  She has kids and a husband and a home and all that goes with that.  She's actually in the most productive, stressful, interesting, challenging time of her life.  I am sad for her that a few lines on her face are causing her to feel insecure.  I hate that our culture does this to women.  I am at a loss as to how to mentor her through this, except to try to give her some perspective from a woman who has been where she is.  I don't know if she can hear me.

I've hated my looks most of my life: too skinny, too fat, too white, too blotchy, too many freckles, too short, too wrinkled, too saggy, too unfashionable, too weak; too uncoordinated; too awful and just, well, too ugly.  This constant state of physical ill-ease has led me to outrageously ridiculous and even self-harming behaviors at various times in my life.  Trying to tan when I was young has left me with skin cancer issues ongoing.  Weight Watchers took a chunk of my paycheck while I yo-yo'd through their various programs with weight battles that left me for a time with outrageous binges and if not purges, at least hungry-all-the-time episodes of self-denial.  I've spent untold amounts of money on lotions and potions and every kind of make up in the cosmetics aisle. Some combination of"sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll" was my go-to for far too long in my youth, younger adult years, and even middle adulthood in an attempt to be fun and attractive, or at least an attempt at trying to forget I was not -- in my own mind at least. 

Nothing "worked" because nothing could.  The issue wasn't external.  It was me believing the lie that our bodies define us.  It was me believing the lie that to keep my man I had to look or act a certain way or he'd find his ideal elsewhere.  It was me believing the lie that doing everything to avoid looking/acting "old" was worth doing.  "Old" is the ultimate ugly; the ultimate defeat.

But one of the amazingly great things about growing in age is seeing through the lie.  I'm not sure this can be taught.  I think it has to just unfold and hopefully be embraced.  These bodies will change.  We will grow older, if we are lucky enough to be long-lived. We will solidify a value system that is unshakable and which supports and grounds us. How do we accept and respond to this reality?

We may decide to change unhealthy habits based on a desire to be fit and healthy as we grow older, not because skinny is in style.  We may decide to find a hairstyle that suits us, clothing that is comfortable and well-fitted.  We may decide to wear a little make-up and jewelry if it seems fun to do so -- not because without it we feel we can't leave the house.  We may decide that certain choices and behaviors no longer serve us, or reflect who we have become.  

We will understand that if our partner wanders it's not because of any deficit in us; they are acting from a place of deficit within themselves.  Maybe they crave attention, more appreciation, less stress, more feelings of their own self-worth, which is not going to come from outside themselves.  But their choices for how to deal with their inner struggles are not our responsibility and cannot be warded off by a diet or an injection or a going along with something that we don't want to -- there is no insurance policy against what another person chooses to do.  Just look at the some of the world's most beautiful women, by cultural standards, who have been cheated on and kicked aside.  It's not about the looks.  (P.S. He's getting older too...but so often men don't spend a lot of time lamenting their inevitable physical changes; they haven't been taught their worth depends upon how they look.)

I know many women of my age and older who are relieved to have seen through the lie and have found peace and acceptance with the face/body in the mirror; with who they are.  It is a relief.  It's a perspective I wish my younger friend could have now and not waste time on lamenting the passage of time and how that may impact her appearance.  She will always be beautiful -- great genetics.  She will always be fit and healthy -- a core value.  She will always be responsible and industrious -- to achieve her goals. She will always be kind and loving -- a gentle spirit.  She will always be funny -- a natural wit.  Those things matter and those things don't change.

I think we need to spend more time getting acquainted with our inner spirit, our sense of humor, our intellect, our curiosity, our abilities, our relationships, our accomplishments, our dreams, our goals, our loving hearts.  If you focused on those things, and didn't know your chronological age....how old would you be?  You might be surprised.

At least, that's the view from here...©

Photo Credit: www.pixabay.com

BOOK CLUB

Women are flocking to "Book Club", a movie starring legends Jane Fonda (81), Diane Keaton (72), Candace Bergen (72), and Mary Steenburgen (65) who in the show play friends who have been in a book club together for 40 years.   They are all financially secure, professional women who have made peace with their lives, settled, but not excited about where they find themselves.  To enliven their lives and their book club selection, the Fonda character shows up one night with copies of "50 Shades of Grey".  And on it goes....

I really wanted to see this movie because the ads on TV made me laugh out loud and I love every one of those actresses.  Plus, what a great girlfriend movie!  I went with one of my dearest, oldest friends and we had a blast.

My expectations were for a funny, light-hearted rom-com and that's pretty much what it was.  Could the topic have been explored with more depth and seriousness?  Yes.  I would like to see a movie do that.  But that wasn't what this one was setting out to do, so I was fine with it being silly at times, unrealistic in some ways, and totally predictable.

One of the things I was dreading about the movie was what I assumed would be a constant barrage of age-related (ageist) humor.  There was a bit of it, but it didn't offend me the way I can often be offended by ageism stereotypes.  At the very beginning I was put off by the "at our age!" jokes that took aim at sexuality in older people as an absurd notion, but the movie quickly moved on from there.  There was also a scene where the Keaton character is left in a mall sitting area with a group of older people who are variously vacant, mobility-challenged, or mouth-agape asleep....and she obviously laments being lumped in with "the old people", fighting her daughters' attempts to pigeonhole her into senility.  Seeing older folks portrayed such was an offensive shortcut way of differentiating her from them as in "I ain't old yet!"  But my friend and I agreed that the ageism trope was thankfully mostly left out of this.

I wrote about the 50 Shades book back when it came out too and wondered how it would be incorporated into this movie.  I was disgusted at how coercing a young virgin into S&M sexual exploration, and the way Grey "dominates" Ana outside the Red Room as well, was seen as a "love story" and there is a line in Book Club where Steenburgen says that "even Christian Grey" needed love.  No.  There's really no love in those books.  But most offensive was the writing in that book.  I wanted to shout out a Safe Word every time the overuse of cliches and the mangling of writing conventions was flouted.  I digress.

Book Club ended with each of the women getting a new perspective on their lives by reading a racy book that challenged them to think beyond what they had settled for and at one point challenging each other to get out of their comfort zone and DO SOMETHING!  Old flames (Don Johnson), new acquaintances (Andy Garcia), dating site risks (Richard Dryfuss), and a reawakened husband (Craig T. Nelson) led to what we presume to be a happy ending for all.

I just know that I enjoyed a couple of hours watching great actors, owning their ages,  playing characters with fabulous houses and witty dialog, each being her own woman, willing to learn, take risks, and keep living, loving, and laughing with life -- a hopeful, funny, human movie full of adults.

Good enough for me at a Tuesday matinee.

At least, that's the view from here...©

AGEISM ALERT -- ACHES AND PAINS FOR ALL AGES

Thinking again today of what it means to grow older.   Our group of friends who meet monthly had some discussion and poignant sharing about this last weekend.  The youngest of the group are two people in their early 50's; the rest are in our 60's and 70's.  We are not without our (stereotypical for our ages) aches and pains, especially those of us who are older than those 50-something kids.

Amongst us all have been multiple joint replacements, heart issues, aching backs, bursitis in various joints, shoulder surgeries, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, GI distresses, eyesight issues, depression, anxiety, and general malaise.  I'm sure there are other things also going on that haven't come up yet, but will.

I know at times I sound like I am denying the realities of growing older when I rail against the ageism that dictates that advancing age means ill health and mobility limitations.  I don't think those necessarily go hand-in-hand, but I do understand that bodies change and systems don't work as efficiently as they once did.  This is part of the "ages and stages" changes we experience in life.

I also still believe that people of any age can be slowed by injuries and life circumstances and this has nothing to do with age.  Take accidents for example.  I know a guy a bit older than I who was hit by a car while riding  his bicycle and suffered a serious leg injury that kept him sidelined for many months.  This could happen to anyone.

Also, younger people who fall down a flight of stairs, for instance, might also have a "glitch" in their knee four months later and find the pain some days is worse, not better.  (OK.  I might actually have to get an MRI or something to see what's going on in there.)  Also, a person of any age might buy some new boots that seem super comfy in the store, but aren't the best for walking for three days on city sidewalk cement and end up with plantar faciitis that seems to have settled in for the long haul.  (OK.  I might have to do more stretching and icing more consistently.)

Are these age-related or judgement related consequences?  Not sure.   I just know that when I stand up to walk after sitting for awhile I look like I might keel over and I feel, well, old.  Old in the way I've been taught old people are.  But mostly I feel some pain, pain that anyone of any age can feel if they hurt themselves.  Then I don't feel old, just alive to what my body is experiencing.

So, I'm back to thinking that whatever ails us, whether age-related or not, we don't have to cave in to the "I'm getting old" excuse for everything that nags at us.  What does seem to be age-related, though, is the pervasiveness and relentlessness of all those little things adding up.  That gets annoying.  One thing after another....

Hub had his annual physical earlier this month and instead of sailing through with nary a flicker of ill-health, came away instead with referrals to three specialists and an admonishment to keep a close eye on his blood pressure.  There is nothing life-threatening going on -- we call all of the recommendations for further follow-up, "deferred maintenance" -- an old football injury causing a knee problem; old repetitive stress from baseball pitching days causing a shoulder issue.  Both will likely need surgery and will require significant healing time, putting him out of commission for awhile.   He will also join me for more careful attention to his fair skin, starting with a visit to the dermatologist, as well as possibly his first ever prescription medication for him -- to treat that blood pressure.  While none of it was terrible news, it was sobering to him to realize the excellent health he's always had was a gift he took for granted.  He's still more fit than most men his age, but he realizes he may no longer be invincible.  He gets tired.  He gets sore.  He only got to snowboard 30-some days this season instead of the 40+ he'd hoped for.

So, yes, I concede that growing older means all the decisions we made about how we used and treated our bodies when we were younger come back to haunt us.  The extra weight, the sedentary desk job, the wear and tear on joints, the things we ingested, the French Fries and pizza and ice cream, the loud rock concerts, the questionable partners (sex, drugs, and rock n' roll!), the quest for a tan, the shoes with no arch supports, the "forgetting" to floss...it all adds up and comes 'round in surprising ways to remind us of our mortality.

Maybe the gift of growing older is to realize we are not going to live forever and to appreciate every single moment of good health and vitality; appreciate our strength, agility, and balance; appreciate all of our senses working adequately, if not perfectly, and appreciate that no matter what is hurting, we ain't dead yet, so don't count us out.  Don't push us aside.  Don't make fun of us.  Don't assume a weaker body equals a weaker mind.

More damaging than a body betraying us is the idea of being seen as irrelevant.  During our sharing, that seemed to be the thing that brought most grief -- the idea that culture sees older people as stupid, slow, and objects of ridicule or pity.   And that, my friends, is blatant ageism at work.  Don't fall for it.  Resist!

At least, that's the view from here....©

Photo Credit:  www.pixaby.com

AGEISM ALERT -- UNABLE TO CHANGE

I regularly listen to the "talking heads" on TV to get some analysis of the daily news as it pertains to the debacle we call the current presidency.  I wish I'd counted the number of times, and kept track of the sources, when I've heard what I heard yet again on a cable show last night --- this time about the current president's abysmal treatment of women, but often to explain a lot of what he does:  "Well, he's 71 years old; he's not going to change now."

FURY rises up in me.  Why is it that this type of ageism is still an acceptable norm?  Would anyone in this day in age (at least on national TV) explain away behavior by saying, "Well, she's a woman, so what else can you expect?"  Or, "Well, he's black, so I guess we shouldn't have expected any different."  But it's perfectly OK to use age as an excuse for vile behavior?!?

Listen to me.  This president's thoughts, actions, and intentions have nothing to do with age and everything to do with the character of the man.  It's not that he's "too old" to change; it's that he doesn't want to!

This idea of older people being "stuck in their ways" sticks in my craw.  The world is changing at a rapid clip, granted.  It's hard to shift gears and keep up, especially in the realm of technology and information sharing and overload.  But being older doesn't mean we have no capability of embracing change and learning new skills.  (As an aside here, I read an article the other day that posited that the rapidity of technological advances has made "30 the new 50"  -- even 30 year olds are feeling left behind when they look at those only 5-10 years their junior and see those "tech kids" out-inventing and out-performing them in that arena. )

As for formulating ideas, ideologies, and policies; as for seeking introspection and self-knowledge; as as for leaning into loving compassion, more skilled interpersonal communication, and deepening relationships -- what's age got to do with it???

I just about blow a gasket when age is used as an excuse for not changing, for not growing into a more aware human being, for making growing older an easy excuse to explain behaviors.  I especially want to rage when older people ourselves perpetuate this myth of aging by engaging in the self-injurious denigration of older people by saying things like, "I'm too old to learn how to use Facebook" (or Twitter or whatever else).  "I don't go to concerts anymore; that's for young people."  "I've got so many aches and pains...guess I'm getting old."  "It's all downhill from here."  Etc. Etc.

Becoming an older person (which begins at birth, by the way) is not easy.  Every step of the way we are changing and adapting.  At some point we get to make conscious choices about who we want to become and how.  This doesn't end at 50 or 60 or 70 or 80... or ever.

Don't let anyone (most importantly yourself) tell you your age alone defines who you are, what you think, and how you behave.  It's a self-limiting lie.

At least, that's the view from here...©

Photo Credit:  Totem on Facebook -- A local restaurant that gave me the perfect example of ageism in the public sphere.  It's a little hard to read.  In reference to switching to daylight savings time, it says:  "I must be getting old.  When I spring forward I land on my face."

Getting older inevitably means falling down?  This sign is on a busy commercial district thoroughfare; it will be seen and absorbed and likely laughed at by thousands of people and the message will become "truth".